My life as a whole is just too much burden to carry anymore. Just the past 21 years have been too much.
I know its all in the past, but it's impacting my present and future. My life has left me with anxiety and depression and no one can really tolerate it anymore.
For everyone to understand I'd like to explain a little bit.
When I was really young my mom was a good mom. She worked, went to school, and all that. But she left us at home with her abusive boyfriend. He was abusive in more than one way. By the end of that, I was terrified of men for a long time. Still am for the most part.
My mother met someone else and he got her hooked on drugs. Bad. She did everything. And on the weekends we'd go to my aunt and uncles to get away. It was like a safe haven.
After years of emotional abuse from my mother, she finally gave up custody of us and my aunt and uncle adopted us. Except they got hooked on drugs bad too. And in turn became very emotionally or mentally abusive as well. They all never failed to remind my brother and I how selfish and ungrateful and just how hard to love we were.
My dad was never in the picture, but he got I'm touch with us right before my 17th birthday. We ended up arguing (he had bi-polar disorder) and he told me I was ungrateful and that he gas awful kids. And the last thing I said to him was "I hate you".
And the following February, he died.
I finally moved from my aunts house and in with a friend. Her family has been amazing. I met a guy, and we were together awhile. And I got pregnant. He acted more excited than me, but I came around. He picked out names and everything. He was excited. By the end of it, I had so much anxiety from the hormones that we argued a lot. And finally he said he didn't want to be together anymore and suggested an abortion. And that hurt. a lot. Because he acted so happy and excited and I just finally felt comfortable and safe. And I shouldnt have. We didn't talk for awhile. And I was working a lot. 12 hour shifts as a nurse aide in a nursing home. Very strenuous. I would go home and be so depressed that I'd lay in bed and have to remember to breathe. And after one long shift. And having to pick a 250 Ib women off the ground, I went home and started bleeding and cramping. I went to the ER and eventually had to get a D&C.
They say its safe to tell people that you're expecting after 12 weeks.
Well I lost Carter at 12 weeks and 6 days. The last day. It was really devastating. And really hurt me. I never hurt so much in my life.
And now I'm with someone new. And my anxiety and depression and fear that I might lose someone else is ruining it. It's really pushing him away. When really I just need him to be there through it all. But he just doesn't know how you handle it and I don't know how to make it easier.
And it's all just making me more depressed. I just don't want to deal with it anymore...