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lapaloma

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  1. Yeah I'm talking about the green shrub haha. Both of my long term anxiety and depression periods were both started by getting too high on the green shrub. I don't know if that's merely coincidence or if it had something to do with the episode. Hopefully my psychiatrist can find a good mix of meds to get be back on my level state
  2. I posted on here about a week or so ago when I was feeling a little lost. A week has passed and my anxiety and depression are still present. I feel like I'm running my life according to them. Before I proceed, let's go back a little first. I initially had a panic attack which lead to a anxiety disorder and a major depressive episode in November of 2014. The panic attack was induced by getting too high on illegal drug. I felt as if I would never get better and felt like I had lost myself forever during the attack. I then sought out help both from a psychiatrist and a therapist and after a handful of months off trying to recover I was feeling better and ready to restart my life by returning back to school. I had some hiccups but was able to finish a full year of school while Effexor, Celexa and Risperidone seemed to keep me at a pretty level state. In May of this year while celebrating with my friends who had just graduated from college, I got far too high again (I had used illegal drug three or four times since my initial panic attack). I felt like I lost control and reverted back to my original feelings after my first panic attack. It seemed like the meds weren't able to keep me at a level state anymore and I plummeted back into the bad times. At this point, I realized that the initial panic attack and ensuing anxiety and depression were exacerbated by the illegal drug. I truly regret getting high again after I had progressed so far and have sworn to give up illegal drug. This leads me to the present, I fear that the damage of getting too high the second time has caused me to be stuck in an anxiety and depression filled stupor. I fear deep down that I won't be able to get healthy this time and that I had my chance which I then blew by getting too high that second time. I'm just really afraid that I'm not progressing as much or as fast as I would like. I just want to be able to take control of my life once again and be able to focus on my hopes and dreams and not have to deal with such bad mental illness. I'm trying to stay hopeful and focusing on the progression I've made thus far but it's really hard. I don't know what I want by posting this, other than just not feeling so alone. If you have gone through any of this I would love to hear from you. I just hope that my best days are in front of me and not behind me. Thank you for reading my post :)
  3. I don't really know where to start. Well I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for the past 18 months. In the past month and a half all the progress I had made through the initial 18 months was washed away. I was able to live a somewhat normal life but that has changed drastically. Now each day is an absolute struggle to get through. I wake up every morning feeling disoriented and it takes awhile for me to get my bearings. I then take my meds (Effexor and Celexa) and am able to conduct a somewhat normal life. I interact with friends, think about the future and am a very manageable mood (there are moments of feeling lost if I'm focusing too hard on something or feeling like sky and mountains are flat but these are fleeting and easy to deal with. Everything changes as soon as the sun goes down. My mood plummets with the loss of sunlight. I feel lost immediately. Have feelings of coming-to where the moments before were like me on auto-pilot. I also feel like I see darkness, like I am looking through the dark which makes everything seem dark even when I have bright lights on. I lose all sense of time and place. The past month and a half feel like its been far longer. It feels like the day never happened and I feel totally alone. I feel as if I cannot relate to another human being. I feel like there is no use reaching out because as soon as I stop talking to someone I revert to going back into my head and it feels like the conversation never happened. I apologize if that wasn't clear, it took all my effort to get myself to sign up and write this post. I don't really know what I'm looking for with this post.... maybe a little hope. Best
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