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Everything posted by perfectcircle77

  1. Popping out of not posting for months to say that I'm really happy to read this, Opal. I hope this new relationship works out.
  2. I find fanfic fascinating and horrific in equal measure. When it's done well, it's good but there are a lot of bad ones. As a pedant, if it's riddled with spelling mistakes and wRiTteN LikE ThIs, I am instantly turned off (but that is my inner editor coming out and judging). There are a lot of stories written that cover various combinations of my CO and his 3 (male friends), either in pairs or all together. I really don't mind the gay fanfic at all - most of it is more focussed on extending the clearly strong friendship between them into a romantic one rather than being hardcore porn in any way. I write fanfic about my CO - I have a selection of super short stories and then a longer chapter story which is a slightly alternate version to the one that involves me and him that I live in in my head. Part of it was just about writing something, anything and part of it was accepting that I was going to be writing about him even if I changed the names and pretended it wasn't. Both are posted online and enjoyed by other fans of my CO and the show. @Audrey822 - congrats to your son and your new daughter in law @OpalP25 - So sorry the job didn't work out for you. I hope your next visit to the country is more successful.
  3. So I've not been around for a while. I'm OK. It's been just over a year since this all started for me and it's been, really, an amazing year in a lot of ways which is not something I expected to ever say when I found this forum. My CO has been good for me. I've started running, writing, trying to understand myself a lot better. I think on the whole my mental health has improved. There have been bad days, of course there have, but I have been eternally grateful that I have this place to come to, that I have people who really understand how I feel. So thank you to all of you. I have decreased the contact I have with other fans to a minimum - only following/speaking to people who are fans of the show as a whole or don't spend every second trying to be noticed by him. This largely helps but does give me a fear of missing out on something as well. I'm still writing - I have my own 'alternate reality' that I write but I also write fan fiction online. It's really sparked the writer in me again so who knows, maybe I'll one day write that book I've been turning over in my head for 20 years. Ultimately what I've managed is the illusion of sanity. No-one in my day to day life has any clue what is inside my head and I work hard to keep that up. But in my head, I still talk to him all the time, imagine what my day would be like if I was with him, things like that. Most days, I just miss him in a never-had-a-life-together-but-I-wish-we-did way. Some days, that's overwhelming.
  4. @Orangep - welcome to the thread and I'm sorry to hear your CO is causing such distress. I can't offer more than the advice already given, everyone deals with it in a different way. But this app you mentioned, I hadn't heard of this before, and can see that it would definitely be a good thing to try and break the cycle. Good luck.
  5. Welcome to the forum, @I wanna be me I'm in the UK too and a similar age to you, also married with kids. In the early days of my CO, it did affect my life - I just wanted to spend all my time either looking at pics of him, watching his TV programme (not a problem as my kids are big fans of the programme too so would happily watch it with me) and spending time with the fantasy life in my head. It's lessened over the months as I've learned to incorporate it into my life in a manageable way. Good luck with getting a counsellor - I don't think you'd have to explain anything to the GP for the referral but it might be a wait for an appointment.
  6. I had a lot of different COs (and some not at all celebrities) before finding this one so I don't think there's anything wrong with having different ones. Sometimes I wonder if that was healthier for me than the near constant anxiety I feel about my CO now and the fear of seeing the wrong bit of news/gossip/picture, etc. It's what works for you, and as long as it does work for you, it's fine, imo.
  7. Could not agree more with this about fandoms. It's the other fans I need to stay away from more than anything. I am a member of a couple of fan groups on Facebook but the mods there are v strict on no talking about their personal life so it's mainly just discussing going to shows and sharing pictures of the 4 of them. I tend to not get too involved in them and should they worsen, I know I can cut them out without problem. I haven't been on for a while because things are just fine with me. I'm just going along in love with my CO and getting on with my life - no drama regarding him right now so it's all good. I hope everyone else is too and that those of you in pain can find some help or relief from it. This morning they released tickets for their shows over here later this year and I am very happy to say we got tickets again. Definitely won't be meeting him again, sadly they are no longer doing that, but I will be there, seeing him in the flesh and that will do for now.
  8. Hi Najaa - there is a thread where a group of us talk about this: https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/40244-unhealthy-obsession-with-a-celebrity-please-help/?page=384 and can offer ideas to help you. Come and say hi, we're a friendly bunch here to support you with this.
  9. @museumgirl - what an amazing experience for you. Right place, right time in terms of seeing that Instagram post. Look forward to the concert update when you are feeling better.
  10. @NCC - sorry for the loss of your mother and am glad you are finding some comfort in Reina.
  11. You're exactly right. What you've said is what I'd say to other people, always easier to be logical when you're not there in the moment, right? I love that you have kept the pen attached to you since that night.
  12. Little update on me. So I spent the weekend busy and trying to forget about what I saw in those comments and it mostly worked. It still popped into my head from time to time but I'm doing ok in pushing it away. The whole thing still upsets me if I think about too long, not necessarily that he is with someone now, more that he ever would be. I agree with what some of you said about fans wanting them to be happy and settled and I know some of those fans would be a lot less calm if it was their favourite so I think there's definitely some projecting. Me? I kind of want him to be happy but single, tbh. That's all I can deal with right now. In other not-at-all-traumatic-but-upsetting-to-me-in-a-silly-way news: the wristband I got when I met my CO, which has been on my wrist for 9 and a bit weeks has come off. I have been mocked by just about everyone I know for keeping it on as if I'm some teenager at her first festival. But it became my reminder of that amazing night, an odd comfort when I felt upset or lonely. There's probably something symbolic in the timing but in reality, it's been 9 weeks of wearing a paper wristband, it's more miraculous that it didn't fall off already.
  13. So remember when I posted just hours ago about how fine I was with everything? Yeah, not so much now. Funny how it turns on the flip of a coin or the click of a button. I was flicking through my Instagram feed. In amongst my friends, & crafty people I also follow a small number of fan accounts related to my CO and his show. They are just photos and mostly seem to be run by teens and slightly older so are safe. One always posts a question a day and so I clicked on today's just to see what it was - it was about who would be next to have a kid between my CO and two others on the show. Of the 9 comments, 6 different people mentioned my CO and how he is getting serious with the woman he's dating. What?! How do they know this? If it was just one, I'd dismiss it but it's not. And I am fighting the urge to google for more info although as he has said nothing I don't have any clue where these people get their info? I want to ask how they know but really, I don't want to know where they find this stuff out because it'll be like an itch I need to scratch. I feel sick, like crying. And also a bit ridiculous because it's not like I'm single. Here was I, planning to get another meet and greet ticket for their next tour here later this and then this. I know what I need to do - not search for anything, not let it into my carefully constructed alternate reality. But really, I just feel sick and a little heartbroken.
  14. I'm in a much better place than when I joined here last summer. Then I was just spiraling between so many different feelings and struggling every day. Nowadays, I've learnt to cope with my CO a lot better, have just about managed to keep the compulsive need to know everything under control and just enjoy him. People here have helped me work through feelings and deal with things that have lead me to being in a good place. I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment. We are a friendly bunch and if you want to talk here, we are here to listen and try and help you.
  15. Hi @CoolCat7 - welcome to the thread. I am 40 and married with children. I've had various crushes on celebs, and some not at all celebs but people I see every day, since I was 11/12. My husband knows about some of them but not this one. Like you, I would say depression and loneliness has played a part in all of these obsessions over the years and I think compared to where I was 9 months ago, I'm in a much better place and don't really see my CO as a bad thing. I would still never say anything to my friends or even my husband, it would be just too mortifying. But mentally, I'm in a much better place. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more.
  16. Welcome @museumgirl I'm with Audrey, I don't think you sound delusional at all. My CO takes up a lot of space in my mind and I talk to him. Like Audrey, I also engage in maladaptive daydreaming - a life built around the idea of meeting and marrying my CO back when I was younger. As for meeting him, it's not impossible. Are you going to the festival at the end of the month? Fans of my CO and his friends often post artwork online and send it to them, so I don't think it sounds weird or creepy to want to do that for him.
  17. It is super hard to make changes but you need to start small and do one thing at a time. Pick something - washing your face every day, for example, or taking your meds consistently and just focus on doing that. Trying to change everything at once is too much for anyone. I agree with Audrey, we are all rooting for you on this thread, definitely come back and talk to us.
  18. I never considered myself to have OCD before I found this thread in this part of the forum. I don't think my CO is a manifestation of my OCD, rather everything that surrounds it is. Someone mentioned earlier in the thread (I'm sorry, I can't think who it was) about being obsessed with particular events and I am similar - I have quite an obsession with the Titanic story and the JFK assassination. For me, the OCD is the obsessive need to know everything about my CO, see the latest pics of him and know the latest info. This is what causes the depression and anxiety I already have to worsen. But it is a compulsion to have that info and I work hard most days to keep it in check. Like Audrey, I believe I'm in love with my CO. When I joined this board, I said I'd had COs in the past (and some not so celebrity obsessions) but with hindsight, I can say they were never like this. I never claimed to love any of them, I never had the need to know everything about them. I didn't care if they were married/dating because I never envisaged myself with them. With him, I do. And that, to anyone outside of this thread, would make me a ridiculous middle-aged fantasist which is why I work very hard to hide it in my every day life. @Audrey822 - I had a similar problem with yarn. I took up knitting again in 2006 and have spent a lot of money on yarn. There were definitely times when I bought yarn for fear of missing out on it. These days the buying is very much under control (lack of money will do that) but I do still knit a lot and I have enough to keep me busy for a few years.
  19. I am a firm believer in soulmates on different levels. My best friend is my soulmate in a completely different way to the feeling my CO gives me. I love her, I get her and she gets me. She is the only person in real life I could actually consider talking to about this because of our connection, she is someone who can restore my soul just by being in her presence.
  20. I discovered an Australian poet called Beau Taplin late last year. He writes about love in many forms, loss and finding yourself. He is responsible for the quote in my signature. I bought two of his books which I love and I normally am not a poetry fan. You can find him on Facebook where he usually posts something every day. I'm sorry you're not in a good place at the moment. That rabbit hole is quite hard to get out of and we are here to help if you need it.
  21. Finding this thread helped me to realise that obsession was very much a part of my life. It's almost ridiculous to think that I never really considered it before. And it's the obsession part of all of this that causes the pain, that I've worked and continue to work really hard on fighting against. I am happy in my love for this man, I have accepted it as part of my life and learned that it doesn't diminish my life any. If anything, I have learnt more about myself and improved my own mental wellbeing dramatically in the last 9 months. But the obsession has been hard to deal with. I still have days where I crack and look on sites I know I shouldn't - Reddit threads, Facebook groups, Twitter threads from fans. But those days are less often than they were so I think I'm winning. Even then, these searches are mostly harmless, the vast majority of fans steer clear of his personal life as a topic of conversation and the ones that don't, I don't know and thankfully don't know how to find them. Things still smack me in the face once in a while, mostly throwaway comments on his show but I'm learning how to deal with those. I still have the dread hanging over my head - he's a 40 year old good looking man who is on TV (I am loathe to use the word celebrity because so few people who would know who he was), can he really stay single forever? He said last week he had a personal announcement to make in the next couple of weeks which knots my stomach every time but then 2 sentences later made jokes about not finding love so I'm hoping it's a career related thing. But it's things like that, that most people wouldn't even notice that bring me to a panic. I would happily remove the word Unhealthy from this title. I don't think what I'm doing now is unhealthy, if anything, like I've said above, my mental health has improved considerably since finding this thread. But I know that every person on this thread is different and for some, what I consider healthy, they would consider otherwise.
  22. I haven't posted in a while because I don't have much to say these days but @posie_riot what you've written here is just so spot on. I've fallen for guys in my every day life, when I've been single and in a relationship, and I never questioned my own sanity then, why is the fact that he's a celebrity that different? I love the change of quote as well, Posie, in your signature.
  23. Hi @random alice - This broke my heart when I read it first yesterday because it is just everything I wish I could say to my CO. I hope that you feel stronger to join in with us, I know how hard it can be sometimes. The video was interesting, the advice in particular. I did wonder if she was coming from a slightly different place to some of us here, but nevertheless it was an interesting watch. I don't know what real love is. I found these words from @CrazyinLove rang so true. I love my husband but I've never had butterflies around him, not even in the early days. I know him, I care for him, I miss him when he goes away, he's attractive. I'm still here because of my kids/habit/financial dependency (and that last one is hard for me to admit to as a feminist). I don't know if people in long term relationships feel the same way, I can't talk to anyone about how I feel because I don't want it getting back to my husband and I don't need their judgement on me. But my CO, I feel the same butterflies now that I did the first time I saw him. He doesn't really know I exist - I've met him but in his head I'm nothing more than a fan. But I feel such a strong connection. It goes back to what Random Alice said earlier - if it takes 30 years and I have a short time with him, that would better than nothing. If someone could just tell me now that's what will happen, I'll take it. I'll sit here and wait.
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