coldestheart

The fall from the cliff I am looking over looks so inviting. I

Today i didn't have any classes at all and i decided to take the day for myself. I went to Sarasota and to the Ringling Museum of Art. It was so beautiful there. I didn't want to leave. I spent most of the time in the the Art Gallery's. No famous art works but they were all so beautiful and it wasn't like the Louvre were you just walk past them as fast as you can. You got to sit down and you could get so close to them you could see the brush strokes. A couple of times i just wanted to touch them but i didn't. And the art gallery is a huge building with two wings it was like as long as a football field and in the middle of the two wings was a beautiful garden you could walk in and a life sized replica of Da Vinci's David. I went to the house they lived in called the Ca d'Zan. It was beautiful to, i wish i could live their, only the people working in it were really rude. I didn't go into any of the circus museums because i spent to much time in the art gallery. I also spent some time sketching a rose from the rose garden. I think it said that every rose there was is there, can't remember correctly. All in all it was a great day. I really needed a day away from everything. And it was the perfect place to go for a day. I didn't have to deal with any annoying rude people other than the ones in the house and i didn't have to think about school, work, any of my problems. It was so nice. I highly recommend the experiance to anyone in Sarasota not only that but i highly recommend taking a day to yourself and not to just sit about the house. Get up get out and do something. Good advise if only i could do it myself more.

This writing class is kicking my butt. If i had known that my teacher would want me to dig up all these things about my parents and things that had happened to me in my life, write about them, and have the whole class read them i wouldn't have taken the class. And she can pick it our right away when you 'lie' or make things sound better than they really are. We had to write about our parents this week. Thats really all i have to say isn't it. Whoever is reading this is probably shuddering. Who wants to write about their parents and have a whole classroom full of people hear it critique it and, then feel sorry for you. She said when she was readign mine she could tell where i got to a part where i felt pain because the words that i used were different and the way that i used pronouns was different, something like that. I didn't write anything about the depression or how i really felt just that he was never home stuff like that. The one about my mom was even worse. I thought the class would just be writing short stories things like that but it's not. I'm supposed to get my cast all the way off next week, for good hopefully. I can't wait for that.

I am so happy that i have a couple days off of school. I don't have to go back until wed. But there's a downside. My chronic bronchitis is back. I started getting it when i was 15 and i get bronchitis just about every month. It usually isn't that bad and I've skipped out on it the last couple months but it's back full swing apparently. Oh well, I'm glad i got it while i had days off from classes. According to my doctor it is stress related. When I'm to stressed out i get sick. I've spent the last two days working on a research paper for Environmental Sciences. The topic is 'a certain environment (haven't picked which one yet), how it developed, and the effects of pollution on it. Sounds simple i know, thats why i picked it, but it isn't. I also have to read one of the most boring books that i have ever read. It's called "take back your time." by john de graff. I get extra credit in two of my classes if i read it. It is kind of ironic to me that it would be in a book form. I mean if you have to read a book about taking back your time cause your so busy how are you going to have time to read it? I guess irony is the word. Or maybe not, maybe i just think that because every time i read a sentence in the book i have to reread it five times to get it stuck in my head. I'd just give it up only it's worth way to much extra credit for two classes to do that. Since I'm not Dependant anymore i signed up for student aid from the state and just about all of my costs for school are covered. They are even paying for some housing. The only thing they don't pay for are lab fees which can get expensive. But at least i can cut off some hours at work. My hospital bills are just about payed for and I'm saving up some money so that I can go back to my psychiatrist. I've been in one of my blah moods lately. I'm not overly depressed but I'm not happy either. Sometimes i wonder if i ever was happy and if i was how would i know? I guess thats stupid. I know when i'm sad so i should know if i was happy, but i never had been happy then how would i know? Uh, thats philosophy or something right, it boggles my mind. Depression reminds me of wallpaper. Yah know those wallpapers that have patterns on them and when your bored you just sit there and try to find where the pattern repeats itself but when you finally do there is always this one part that doesn't fit and throws your whole theory out the window. You cna never figure out what the pattern of your depression is and when you think you have found out what 'triggers' it something else does and your back where you started. Philosophy again! Or maybe just paranoia. Eh, whatever. I think my arithromison is getting to me.

First week back to college came and went. I like most of my classes but the creative writing should be my favorite. Even the math and sciences are easier than i thought they would be. One thing about that class though is it will make me bring out a lot of memories and experiences that i don't really want to let everyone know about. And it's not like i can avoid them unless i lie and i really don't want to do that. We have the option of when she reads them out loud not saying it's yours. I'll probably never say if it is mine. The professor gave us an assignment that i have no way of starting. We are supposed to draw a map of our home. Or the place where we feel most comfortable. I just can't do that. I'll have to think on it.

I slept in until noon today and i loved it. I didn't have to get up or worry about anything. I could just sleep until i wanted to. When i woke up though i had a raging headache. Still do. Still want to go back to sleep. Might take a nap.

I am so tired. This schedule is going to **** me. And next week Monday i start work again. I just want to fall into my bed and sleep until i can't sleep anymore. It is hard for me to fall asleep before midnight anyway no matter when i woke up that morning and i have to get up at 6 each morning. I have a class at 9 in the morning on thursdays and another at 5pm that doesn't get out until 7:30 and i live an hour away! I just love to complain, or maybe it is ranting. My arm is ******* me. I got it put into a cast yesterday. When they pulled the stitches out from the surgery it was so gross. Usually that stuff doesn't bother me, blood, stitches, needles, I'm fine with them. But this felt so weird. I could feel the guy slowly pulling it from my skin and i was looking at it, weird. Anyway, now i have a cast from my hand to my elbow. Did you know those things come in Camo? A camo cast? Thats ridiculous, i just got a blue one, for a moment i was considering a hot pink one but quickly decided against it when i saw that it came with a package of glitter, ON A CAST!!!! Guess you can still look glamorous even with broken limbs. Or maybe it's for the kids. Who knows. Wow i really have got to stop ranting like this. It's not good to complain so much.

Ok, so, i went to the class that i was talking about in my last post and did the 'getting to know each other' thing. We had to go around the room get everybody's name and find out an interesting fact about them. While i couldn't believe the depravity of my generation before now after listening to what they had to say I'm even more astounded. Tell me how getting three tickets in a year is an interesting fact? If your meeting someone for the first time why wouldn't you want to tell them something good? Some of the things that the people said were ridiculous. I couldn't believe what they were telling me and how proud of it they were. Maybe i should just lighten up. I mean i would like one of the really old people. Soon I'll be saying things like "Kids these days have it so easy." and things like that. I know there are people in my generation who think that they are standing up for things and making the world a better place but our culture is just pulling us down. I can't stand watching the Today Show. I get that it is entertaining but it's a news show, why is their major story ten rules to loosing weight or the new fall fashion? Drives me crazy. Not to mention the fact that their was just about 24 hours news coverage when Paris Hilton went to jail. Sometimes i wish that i was born during another time. At least the other generations (most of them) stood for something. All my generation is known for is being the first generation to not be expected to outlive their parents. Whew.. Did that make sense? Just ranting really, sorry about that.

I am kind of nervous about one of my classes today and thinking about not going. The prof said that we were going to do a 'getting to know each other' thing. He said we would know everyone in the room before the class was over and there are about 30 people in the room. I hate it when they do that. I mean it's college not high school. I hate it when they baby you at college and it drives me crazy that so many profs do this. Isn't one of the main ideas of college to help people grow up and become independent? It is a class full of juniors and sophomores i would understand maybe if it were freshman but my gosh it just drives me crazy. Maybe I'm just cranky because i have to meet 30+ people today. I'm seriously considering skipping the class but the prof seems like the kind of guy who would make me go around and meet all of the people the next class. Doesn't he realize there are people who get sick when they have to meet new people? Really I know I will end up going. I'm just wishing really hard that i didn't have to. I remember one time in high school i skipped a class for like five days so i wouldn't have to give a ten minute speech. My worst nightmare was when i had to take Public Speaking last year. That was torture. The prof kept yelling at me because i wouldn't make eye contact with anyone and would just look down and read off the notes. I was so glad when that class was over. It is taking a lot of motivation to get going today. I'm putting it off as long as i can. Urgggggggggg.

I started my new classes today and they are going to be hard. I have 17 hours mondays through fridays. Two classes on Mon, Wed, thurs, fri. This schedual is going to be a killer. I have one class that is three hours long. Really I'm glad for the distraction it really helps with... everything. I have two science classes a math class and a creative writing class. I hate science and math so i am kicking myself that i took on this course load.