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About SociallyUNfit

  • Birthday November 5

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    Ontario, Canada
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  1. I feel the same way in many respects. I only come on here on my worst days when I need an outlet but have none. My brother is in the hospital so I contacted some family and asked them to pray. What do I get but my mom yelling at me saying it was her job to let people know and that I am a blabbermouth and can't keep my mouth shut. No matter what I do nothing right despite trying over and over again and the ones who get the respect are the ones too busy for family because hey they are successful and I have nothing but my disability and no future and when ever I open my mouth I just make things worse. I often feel it is better to just "go away" so my family does not have to be around me anymore. My niece feels that and went out over seas. It is probably smart of her to do as she is distancing herself from the negativity of our family that has only brought her down her whole life and maybe she can find happiness there. Who knows. But I am realizing that a lot of how I feel is from how I was raised and the issues my parents have that has effected how they were to us in word, deed and reaction. Just today I started realizing, perhaps I am not so bad but it is my family's inability to love those around them because they hate themselves so much. Our family is very angry and hates everything it seems yet my mom can turn on the light switch and be as charming and sweet as can be to total strangers. I wish I could be a stranger.....
  2. Today my youngest brother is in the hospital for who knows what that has effected his heart and breathing capacity. He is in a lot of pain. As soon as my mom told me heart I guess I did not hear anything else. I did not hear how she said she will tell whoever needs to know and that she would visit the hospital the next day. All I heard was Heart and she was going to visit him at the hospital. I am normally rational (I think) but I am protective of my youngest brother as him and I were always the misfits of our family while our middle brother was always the charming popular funny handsome sibling. Even our parents were charmed by him despite anything he ever did. He was a whiny toddler but got his way. My youngest brother and I were always the quiet, keep to ourselves type. As my dad showed my youngest brother time and time again that he was not the favourite one, he grew up to be an angry teenager who would get in trouble with the law despite trying to fix his life as he got older. Even now he struggles but admits he has bad depression (without any help for it) while the favoured brother is so smug and sure of himself and pats himself on the back as the "only successful family member" and if anyone in our family is in need he is the only one in position to help anyone out as he plans ahead and strategizes (my spell correct can not find the right word... how do I spell that??) and always has a back up plan while we all fail. He spreads false info sometimes she is believes in conspiracy theories and even when I research and fact check and make sure of my sources and any medical documents are peer reviewed she will listen to him over me always. My dad, well he just complain about everyone and feels sorry for himself. He has had "undiagnosed depression" for as long as I have known my dad (and of course that is my whole life). Enough of that background story. My brother is in the hospital. He was in a lot of pain and had trouble breathing. My mom opted to drive him but he wanted to drive himself so that he would have a way back home as well when he gets out. They told my mom it is his heart. My mom was going to call my dad (they don't talk but in emergencies they will) and he appreciated that and text me later. After that I was under the impression she was going to the hospital to see my brother since he lives with my mom and was told she is the only one who could visit. Now the hospitals in my city are not the best and there can be a lot of miscommunication or wrong info given even from the hospital info desk even about visitor regulations. But more on that later. So while I thought my mom was on her way to see my youngest brother I thought I can't just do nothing .. I need to talk to someone. So I called my middle brother and told him about our brother and that we have no info yet but they said heart. He, like many, said well he is a heavy smoker and has smoked since he was 14 and that isn't all he smokes anymore. Yes, yes we know but we don't know what is going on with his heart yet. Just keep him in your prayers. I talked to my sister-in-law as he was at work so she would not yet know. She was nice and said she was there for me if I wanted to talk more later. I know she is busy with the 4 kids though so don't want to bug her too much. I have become too aware that people say things just to be polite at times or mean it at the time but not later and I tend to not read people well enough to take the subtle hints. Still, I was only contacting a few .. my middle brother and sister-in-law, my youngest brother's daughter but let her know we don't know anything yet but just so she is aware, and my God-father as I just wanted to talk to him and pray for my youngest brother. I also had contacted my cousin who just had a quadruple heart bypass as I don't know much about heart. Only about kidneys due to my own health issues. Well this is where the explanation comes of what brought me here today. My mom did not go today to see my brother but supposedly said she would go tomorrow even though earlier when we first talked she was crying and I thought she would go today. Of course she is experienced in dealing with a sick child as I was always sick since the day I was born even though not diagnosed until years later. I never had anyone close to me in the hospital so perhaps I did not pay attention to half the things she had said as after the mention of Heart after my cousin just had his heart surgery, everything in my head went fuzzy. Supposedly after she called my father then she would call everyone else but instead everyone she called, one by one, I had already called. She got so frustrated by this that by the time she called me she was yelling at me calling me a blabbermouth (literally her words) and saying she should have told me last because I just went crazy and told everyone! She was yelling and putting me down that I just had enough and actually hung up on her. I did not need this right now. I thought she was calling with info about my brother who I was very worried about. I did not understand what I did wrong. She felt I had stepped on her toes, took power away from her, and crossed the line and took control of everything and she was like "why am I calling these people if you went ahead and called everyone when I am the one who talked to him and know the details?" .... But I thought she was going to the hospital and I told them I didn't know much but to just keep him in their prayers. She would have the details later. Well she did get more details as she had also called the hospital and found out more and even got a call back since she is his mother. His heart will be fine. Turns out his heart was effected as well as his lungs by undiagnosed Covid but will recover. It might take him all week but they are treating him. But this post isn't about illness. No. It is about depression. And all her insults at me just brought up everything about my whole life and as I talked to the only friend who seems to understand and deal with and feel similar to me and have similar family issues, yet never met in person but through my old medical forums I used to have for kidney, a few things came to light. A revelation of sorts. I realized this is not about my failures as much as it is about my mom. I did nothing wrong. I reacted to a close family member being in hospital for something effecting his heart as many might and I did nothing wrong in taking the actions I did simply asking for prayers from loved ones. I realize that this is not all on me even though when she finally called again she still puts it all on me saying I have to stop taking all this action without thinking. All I did was ask for prayers from those closest to me! People do that all the time! Why is it so bad when I do!? Then I think about other things in my life and realize .. in my family dynamics things are not like other families. Raising awareness for Kidney Disease, I see huge families being supportive where as I had to literally guilt trip my mom to even attend in the first place. Getting family to donate to the cause is like pulling teeth and because of this I have a deep fear of asking people for help. I feel like I am asking people to cross sharp glass floating in lava, on their stomachs, to get to me. I literally feel sick to my stomach having to ask for anything. I feel around for how to say it or if it is the right time, but absolutely dread having to ask for help from family. I am better at asking from strangers finally but family.... I don't even tell them if someone has helped me as the guilt is overwhelming as my mom especially is against accepting any help from anyone! And there is a hierarchy in our family and us "kids" will never be accepted as adults until they are dead and we take over as that role. Even with my brother's having kids, my mom knows best and they should listen. They don't always as they raise their kids as they see fit but at the same time they do feel that they have never been accepted fully from our parents just like I. I use raising Kidney Awareness a few times as that is when I started to first notice that my family is not like others. Others would wear green for the colour of Organ Donation or depending on which country, the colour of their local kidney foundation (in Canada it is Blue and White -- so they focus on Blue mainly -- where as in the USA it is Orange and Red -- so they focus mainly on Orange). My mom made fun of me when I had all these pins and tried to stand out like others I have seen who people take pics of raising awareness. I downplay it due to my mom putting me down as being childish but then at the events see others with full banners and balloons and even personally designed shirts for the whole family to wear with their support and even theme music. I started to realize that it was just my family. This is NOT how the rest of the world is after all. What I have grown up knowing and thinking about how to present yourself to the world has all been a lie from my childhood upbringing. Today when she started calling me all those names it hurt because even my brothers have said many times during my life that they did not want to hear my "who life story" or just did not care. Even my niece and other family members have said my texts are too long and I say too much before getting to the point. I am the type to thinks as I type .. who types like I talk .. if people actually listen. I become engrossed in my thoughts and am not aware if they are bored and don't care until they get fidgety like my dad and start to look at their watch or to other people for what to do to get away from me. I have always been awkward. I know this. So is my dad but it doesn't matter. He doesn't relate to me. He has never been a family man. It was more of how my mom raised us and what was right and wrong and we just did as our parents said with no talking back or questioning why. Not even how. You just figured it out. That was how things were done in my family. But when she called my Blabbermouth and said I can't keep my mouth shut (while I am thinking in my head when did my brother being in the hospital suddenly become a secret?) it brought back all the memories of my brothers basically saying I talk to much and how they did not want to listen to what I had to say and people telling others how they were annoyed at how much I had to say in text or emails. I came to this conclusion while talking to my friend online about all this: "My mom was always so very very very judgmental and critical that it made us grow up in an environment where we learned we HAD to be good enough or else we would NOT be good enough to HER." .. That is EXACTLY it! THIS is why even the favoured son wishes so much for his mom's approval and not just us black sheep. We all have been effected by our upbringing and even my dad felt so judged and ridiculed that he (I do not excuse his behaviour one bit but in a way do understand it) went to other women and cheated often. My youngest brother feels hated and unloved and just does his own thing and stopped trying to please others long ago yet lives by a certain set of standards that he will always acknowledge someone's birthday even when my mom says "You are not kids anymore. You don't need anything special for birthdays" and Christmas time. And I am started to realize more and more than even though my mom might get so very very angry with me and insult me and judge me and make me feel like ultimate CRAP, it really has more to do with HER than with me. Realizing this has sort of set me free. It took me a long while to get here and my post is riddled with emotional baggage and trauma seeping in every crack of every paragraph preventing it from being short and concise but at least I am finally finding my way. Thank you for reading this mental maze of text. I appreciate it. Thank you.
  3. Turns out my niece ... who went back to the United Kingdom just recently ... mentioned to my sister-in-law .. that she does not want to come back and feels more accepted there than with us. So it was not my insecurity-induced imagination after all. I don't know what I did or if it was just mainly her dad and situations and I get grouped in by trying too hard when it is out of my element to try to bring the family together when we are not that good together ... but at least I know now .. She is doing what she needs to do for her own mental stability. I have to stop taking it so personally as it really has to be with my mom and brothers more than my brother's kids at all.
  4. Thank you for sharing. I can feel you in what you typed. I feel for you. I am still learning that a lot of how I am and my depression has to do with how I have been shaped by those around me. It is amazing how others can either encourage us or break us.
  5. Four years later. I am now 48. I have had my 3rd kidney transplant as my 2nd transplant stopped working after I ended up in the hospital with my ninth case of Pneumonia but this time had turned into Septic Shock. My blood pressure dropped too low and the kidney stopped working so back on Hemo Dialysis. But close to Christmas 2020 I got the call and had a successful transplant that was hard to find. In Canada they search your own Province first and only hard to match cases they will look across the whole country. This kidney came from a Western Province but I am not sure which. This kidney I got the least information about of all the ones I have gotten previously. A few medication change attempts to see what I can handle as I was allergic to one and found out I could tolerate one that doesn't have a sharp peak at the start so I don't get the bad reactions. Stable but was in the hospital 3 times in 2021. Got out of my 3rd time in hospital (severe dehydration and very low electrolytes) on January 9th, 2022 and have been well since then. But recently with family division and fighting and non-communicative resentment I am really feeling my anxiety and depression again. I find myself asking, "Does my niece hate me? She came back home yet hasn't called or text or emailed me in 2 weeks or her own father. At least she has emailed her Grandma once. She is stressed and has high anxiety herself and has been isolating at my "popular brother's" for 10 days due to getting Covid while over seas. She is free to go out when it was my mom's 70th birthday and I thought for sure she would have come over or called her. I sent her a text reminding her what the day was as birthdays have always been a way to show we still care in this family. She did not text me back but she did call her but got the answering machine and sounded awkward. I find myself wondering what I did wrong. I find myself wanting to know but afraid to reach out. Afraid to ask. I know I am awkward but did I do something or say something wrong without knowing it? I can't help doubting myself especially with the lack of communication in my family, no feed back, no reassurances, nothing. They make me feel ignored and not cared about. Just like growing up with my parents they were not strong on encouragement or compliments. Only pointing out what we did wrong with many insults thrown in. So this current situation makes me afraid to reach out worried that the only response will be what I did wrong and insults. I can't shake it but for some reason my family is not close to me and I feel awkward around them and uncomfortable depending on their mood around me. Recently my mom told me that the popular brother invited my mom and my niece over to the old house we grew up in off my dad but when I asked about seeing it he said it was only half one done and not ready yet for me to see. It did not occur to me until later talking to my best friend that the key was my niece who just came back from over seas who does not want to see her father seems to also not want to see me, her aunt and God Mother. That just brought me down more so. It is hard facing the reality but even harder being given the silent treatment where you don't even have a chance to defend or explain yourself.
  6. Also I wanted to add that for me it is my family that is not the best and I had no need to tell them. They did not support me on the depression front. They just pretended they never were told. They ignored the problem. If I wanted help I had to get it myself. I always knew that though. I just was tired of hiding it was all....
  7. Thank you. Sorry it has been 2 years. My depression was stable until my birthday today (yesterday... Monday). When family gets together it seems like my meds stop working. Youngest brother mad at middle brother for not doing more for my birthday and father and mother siding with the brother who did less as "we are adults now not kids .. you don't need presents". In fact mother says we should stop buying gifts and should just get together. My niece's birthday is one month away and she got me a gift and now my mom is saying no gifts. I told her that is not fair to decide that now and we should at least wait til the new year for no more birthday gifts for adults (just the kids .. meaning anyone under the age of 18 or 20 .. forget what age she stipulated). Our family is NOT good at communicating. It is all through cell phones as the middle brother is too busy to talk to us and the little brother is impatient when his older (there are only 2 brothers and then me the only girl) does not get back to him. My mom is opinionated and lonely and my dad is the one who lives with his girlfriend after selling the house to the older of the 2 brothers and rents it to strangers while my youngest brother is homeless and living in my mom's one bedroom apartment til he gets back on his feet. My mom and youngest brother are at odds (mom is religious and opinionated and brother is angry and impatient and opinionated and doesn't believe in God). So dealing with my family is very hard if it is for more than just a few hours. My mom wants me always to stay over. I did Sunday night and went home Monday afternoon. She wanted me to stay again Monday night but no way. She tried to say I said I would but I never did. Her memory seems to be going but no it could never be her that was wrong. Anyway 2 years later and this is how life is going for me. However, I, myself, am stronger than 2 years ago and don't hate myself as much. Today when I was crying all the way home while I drove realized I did not hate myself but it was a deep bitter sadness at how broken my family was. I just realized something after typing a few posts in a few threads and then coming to this old one ... I am getting better at my depression. That is something to hold onto right? That is a good thing too because my Shrink left my city to work up north (4 hours away) without telling me. I found out when I saw it in the paper and after my drug store said they could not refill my depression meds without the shrink and they could not get ahold of him... Ya I still am without one but at least my family doc is refilling it for now..
  8. I hadn't told them for years. And I mean like over a decade I never told them. This was because my mom is European and all about handling things on your own and not needing help and my dad felt the pills or counseling would be only for the weak. I told my mom only a few years ago but not to her face but to her friend who had depression in front of my mom. This made her not judge her friend so much but also learn that I had depression without giving her the chance to belittle me. I finally told my brother last year who was shocked. My dad was no problem telling him as I felt he had depression too. I told him about maybe 6 years ago. My youngest brother knows but we don't talk about it. He has a bad temper from abuse via my dad growing up as my dad never wanted him born because he already had a son already. My dad is also a manipulator and stingy but has worked on his temper finally in his old age. My mom tends to sometimes be nice but other times be pushy with how things are to be and also since she turned to God (nothing wrong with that on its own but ..) when she watched EWTN on TV and the prayers come on everyone else must drop what they are doing and pray too or she makes them feel guilty. I don't mind praying but not when I am forced and pushed into it or guilted. I feel prayer for the wrong reasons isn't right and my mom should not be doing that. My mom believes if I prayed more I would not have depression. Ya .. tell my shrink that. My meds are working for the most part but like today for my birthday (well yesterday now) being around them too long drives me insane and I can't keep my emotional composure any longer and must leave before I cry. It is so hard. Even though I did tell the ones I mentioned about my depression they do not understand it or perhaps completely forget. Sharing that I have depression has NOT helped one bit in my case. I am still all alone in this.
  9. When I celebrate my birthday with family I end up going home crying. They are just emotionally draining for me. I mean, my whole family is emotionally broken. All of the members of my family are so different and broken and conflict with each other and fight and get frustrated, angry, stubborn, pushy, dominant or insecure and quiet and stepped on. My birthday was great yesterday as my brother got me a used car to replace my crap one. My brother was angry because my other brother never texted him back even after sending him so many texts. He was hoping my brother or dad would jump in with cost for the car. Both my other brother and dad won't because they feel that if they give my youngest brother money that he would spend it on pot or the mother of his youngest child. The youngest brother screwed up his life with a life of crime but changed his ways years ago but they still don't give him any credit for changing his life around. The other brother would not return the youngest brother's texts. At least my father would but still won't have him with money. It is always up to me to fix the family yet I was always the sick child (still am. I am currently on kidney dialysis machine). I don't know where along the line it became me fixing the family when it used to be the middle brother til he got a family. Now the middle brother has no time for us. This hurts the youngest brother as there are only the 2 brothers and me as siblings. Dealing with my family becomes too much. My youngest brother got beat up a lot by my dad who never wanted another boy but wanted only 2 kids max. My youngest brother because of that has a huge temper problem. So much distrust and anger in the family and lack of communication and me with depression as the only one able to see all sides and try to be a go between for them all .. I just can't take it for long. One day is enough but 2? No way. Yet because my mom has 3 days off work this week she expects me to be over every day. She even forgot that today (Monday) I was to spend with my dad and not both days just with my mom and youngest brother. We are all a bunch of broken people. I was happy that my youngest brother was so caring that he got me a car and wanted to do everything to make sure I would not have to do much but our family is so broken. My youngest brother wanted the rest of my family to help. My mom did but my dad didn't and my other brother didn't. Then my mom turns around and says that she wants no more present buying for birthdays. She had said the previous years for Christmas no presents except for the kids .. but now birthdays too? That leaves me 21 year old niece with no gifts when she gave me a gift and her birthday is just a month later. That will cause more emotional chaos in my family. Why is my family so ... difficult? Why can't we just be a happy normal family? I have been crying for hours now. My mom wanted me to stay longer but I said I have dialysis and she said well you just sleep on it ... that made me mad as hemo dialysis is real hard and draining and tiring to go through as they clean all your blood and dry you out of excess fluid in such a short time (3.5 hours only and only 3 times a week where as real kidneys work ALL the time). She makes it sound like no big deal. I got upset. I am tired of people thinking this is no big deal and that is no big deal. I almost died a few times because of my health and they never understand. They care while I am sick in the hospital unable to survive without machinery keeping me alive but once out just a couple months later it is like it is easy for me ... it is like they just forget. I am just tired of it all. It makes me wish I lived far away from them. The ironic thing is my mom said about my youngest brother's temper that how come I am so easy to get along with. She doesn't seem to realize or see me on the inside. She understands my brothers but only my youngest brother understands me. No one else does. I could never live with my mom for more than 2 days. I just could NOT stand it if I did. It is too hard emotionally. I say I need to go home to take my pills and she keeps me at her place for a few hours longer. I can't do that with my health. She should know better. I was sick since I was a baby. Not like she didn't used to have to manage my medications and times. She decides she wants to online shop but wants me to do all the searching on the computer because I get results faster. I finally got upset and said I want to go home. I brought up the searches. SHE can go through the results one at a time. I don't have time for this. But that was when she threw at me about dialysis that I can just sleep on it so I don't need to go to bed. Are you kidding me? My whole family is messed up! I mean how can I family be so crazy without having any addictions? My family is so hard to get along with. Yet on the outside everyone thinks my family is perfect .. well except for my youngest brother who has such a bad temper it is not hid and his 2nd child's mother is bringing him to support court just to get more money out of him that he doesn't have which will screw up his plans to finish paying for his mistakes and finally be able to get good credit. So much for that. I just needed to rant as I was crying for hours. Going to take double my depression meds tonight (my shrink said I could) and hopefully I will feel better in the morning. Night all. Thank you for listening.
  10. I think it is because I was always the sick one. I remember at one time years ago when I was still a teen hearing my dad say right in front of me to my younger brother (not the youngest but the eldest boy which is still younger than me since I am the eldest) that he must take the role as the eldest because I was not able to be the eldest. It was always like that .. I never was expected to get far in life or accomplish much. I don't think this was intentional by my parents but it was the case never the less. I didn't realize how much it had impacted my life til way farther down the line in life. The older I get and the more I talk to people the more I realize things. I used to have friends who said don't blame the past, don't look at the past, only focus on the future. But for me to understand myself I needed to figure out the past first. I spent the first good portion of my life quite sick til I got a transplant. Then I had a "normal" life for awhile til it failed but during that time my family didn't know how to handle this "new teen" I had become. It was hard on everyone. I have been on my own since I hit 18 and for awhile I did not talk to my parents. Eventually when I was back in the hospital my brother got my parents involved because it was thought that I was not going to make it. They are in my life again but it is hard sometimes dealing with them. I know they are not perfect (no one is) but I feel like I must be perfect and am never good enough. I never was able to measure up. My family tends to complain a lot and I notice I am the same. They tell me they don't want to hear my "whole life story" and that they feel I have nothing important to say. My mom says I sound immature a lot. I don't know how to be any different than how I am. I have tried over the years but it has just gotten to the point where I can only take them for short periods of time and then have to retreat to the safety of my own home where I live all alone and enjoy it. I called my shrink but because he said 2 years ago that I was doing well that I didn't need to see him anymore, this time when I called the secretary said that I needed to get a new referral from my family doctor. This frustrated me as I did not want to stop seeing him in the first place. Now I need a referral? My family doctor is a moron. I miss my old family doctor but he died. :( I can get an appointment but by then I will feel better. As it is I already feel better. I wanted to see the shrink while I was feeling my worst! After all, with my other medical problems I have learned how important that is for them to properly decide on the proper "method of treatment".
  11. THanks. 2 hours ago and I am still crying. I don't know why today I couldn't handle family. They actually were not as bad as sometimes. I just .. couldn't handle it today. I .. I wish I was normal. My mom is on vacation next week and I don't want to see her. I am trying to think of excuses on what I could be too busy with to see her. Father's day is this Sunday and I alrady made plans. If I get help I don't know what kind I can on a weekend that won't interfere with family and not let my family think I am feeling sorry for myself (I would rather they just never ever ever know because they would never ever ever understand ever). I am 42 and I realize now that I will have depression all of my life. I really hoped I had it under control by now. I started the meds because I would cry for no reason when with family. I am a lot better on the meds but today .. .. I guess I have been slowly coming to the realization that my family does not understand me and are irritated and impatient with me. They take me the wrong way and get angry at me. I can't talk to them and as an adult it is not like teenaged years. I was able to talk to my mom again when I started this medication and things were great. Maybe it is time for me to call my shrink again. Perhaps I need a dose adjustment. I definitely need something... I just ... I think to myself how can I improve myself and make me into someone who others would love to be around. I know my family worries about me but .. they think I am selfish, stupid, immature, feel sorry for myself, and full of excuses and super lazy and unreliable. I know this .. but they don't understand why. Man my eyes are going to be so puffy tomorrow when I wake up. I came home at about 10pm maybe 10:30pm and now it is 10 to 1 am and I am still crying. I have noticed that I stopped socializing awhile back .. like 6 months ago .. and I have no desire to go out anywhere or hang out with any friends. I don't want to see family. I just want to stay home. I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to socialize. Sure I never liked crowds but I have never been afraid of them. I just .. feel like people are judging me lately. Disappointment ... That is what it is .. I feel every single person is disappointed in me. My sister-in-law used to ask if one day I can babysit for them. They never asked. My brother made the excuse of my health (not depression) makes me unreliable. They got married and didn't ask me to be part of the bridal party for that reason as well along with that I am too poor to afford the dress anyway. I texted my niece who is my Goddaughter and she never texts me back. A few times when family is together I used to try to talk to her but I always noticed she was distinctly distanced from me. I do not have any clue what I have done to deserve this but I thought perhaps I am just imagining things. After all she has claustrophobia (not clinically diagnosed but it is very apparent from a young age that she does). But today I noticed that when I stood near her (not too close mind you) she looked at me (not in the face but just like where I was standing kinda sizing me up in a way type of look but not) and I realized I am NOT imagining this. She does NOT like to be near me. And I think that may have been the trigger today. I hate being hated. All my life I have never been good enough but my own family? I just can't take this! I don't know what to do to make myself likeable!
  12. It has been a long time since I was on here and I couldn't even remember what name I used so I re-registered. I find being around my family very hard emotionally and mentally. Not that they are bad people but I always come home feeling hated and not good enough. Doesn't help my family is broken (parents split years ago .. dad through mom out and she had to spend that Christmas in a home for abused women) and my brothers have tempers and I have always been a drain on my family because of major health issues and lack of understanding about it and feeling like I am just complaining. I have felt along all my life even in the middle of a crowd. At school growing up I would try so often to be outside of the school yard for recess so I would not have to be around people. I always got in trouble when kids tattled on me and made a scene and then I started trying to stay in for recess to clean the chalk board and other small tasks. I used to get beat up every day after school. My parents didn't know I had a hard time focusing because of medically issues that were not diagnosed for 9 years. I am on disability now (not for depression even though I take Paroxetine for it and I live on my own but when I am with family I just feel like complete crap. I try to get a word in and I am always talked over. My youngest brother gets frustrated with me, his daughter doesn't want to be too close to me and my mother says I am immature. I am obese when I was always very skinny growing up and I know a lot of that is health related (on Prednisone and lost stomach muscles when I had a few abdominal abscesses as well as a previous Peritoneal infection) and I hate my looks and my life. I am so far in debt, no job and living in a "geared-to-income" apartment. I can sense when people are not happy with me but I don't know how to make it better. I get to the point where I just need to get away .. just need to leave .. or else I will cry and they cannot figure out why. I am only happy when I play online games and play as someone I am not. I hate my life so damn much. I hate my looks so damn much. I hate my personality so damn much. I can't think of one thing I like about myself anymore. I hate myself and cannot stop crying. I took double of my meds today hoping just to feel better but I know it doesn't work that way. I even though of just going out and buying some of those quick weight loss medication over the counter but with my other health issues I can't play games like that. I really want help but don't know where to get it. I am in Canada and I know there is a mental health place in my city but I just feel like they won't really help me. I have seen a shrink before who put me on these meds and then stopped seeing me saying I am stable and I used to see a counsellor which really was of no help to me. I just wish I could live my life all over again or just simply not be at all.
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