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SWK739

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  1. He's a year younger than me, and in my honest opinion? He's already proven that he's worth waiting for. He has seen every last tidbit of how bad my mind can get, he's done a lot of things that he wouldn't for other people, and he can and will continue to provide these things in real life as he does every day already. He's broken many personal barriers to become comfortable with me, people that have gotten upset because he chooses to spend time with me over them have been tossed aside, he has been willing and continues to be willing to do things that make him uncomfortable at times. There are a lot of details behind things he's done for me so far as it is, so yes, he's proven his worth and he's not taking advantage of me whatsoever. You're actually backwards; he is very much an 'I can and I will' kind of person, he has never backed down on his words to do something when he says he's gong to do it. I myself am not exactly motivated and ambitious, I am loving and caring however, but I have my issues of being an 'I can and I will' kind of person. I can't just push him into doing something that was caused by trauma, that's plain disrespectful. This is a man who, were I to curl up on the floor and sob my eyes out for no reason whatseover besides my mental distortions, will be there right with me throughout it all. He's already proven that he will be because he already has.
  2. Nah yeah he has some severely legitimate reasons; traumatic ones, as in a situation where he followed through a relationship with it and it turned out to be incredibly abusive towards him to the point of almost dying, kind of thing. But yeah I know about those kinds of things, I suffer from a lot of shet as well haha. That said! He did say that he will establish the more personal connections of voice and video and such in time; I mean I can't blame him after what's happened, and friends of his (in real life that I have chatted with) have confirmed everything. We would use Skype though yeah, we use that to message when I'm out and about via my phone as it is. We established a timescale proper - It might take 2-3 years for him to graduate, and 5 years was considered a very feasible point. If I can get a stable job after 2017 and work up the money, it is entirely possible that I can get him to visit me, the only issue is that his family is incredibly protective of him and him leaving for the states again before finishing college is something extremely uncomfortable for them. At the moment he does live with his family while he's in college, and his mother has actually confiscated all of his papers and stuff. As for technology at his home! He has a computer, but he doesn't have a microphone or a webcam or anything. That's how we communicate most of the time. He does have time he gets home alone, but the lack of a mic and stuff doesn't help. For stuff at his school - unfortunately, the internet at his college is absolute poop. Major major poop, half the time he tries to get in contact with me via some methods and he just can't. He doesn't have a smartphone or anything like that (too expensive at the moment) so we can't really use that, he did get a very basic phone that we use to text each other when he's out and about on his own, but texting is all it's capable of. It's one of those 'put money on it for minutes' types of phones. There is a cafe he used to go to sometimes in the past, it cost some money, but it had reliable internet and such. he can't really afford to go to that anymore though; when he did, he had a job with his family before he started going back to school full time, so his income is limited to whatever his family will let him have for the moment. They do help him though, it's not like they leave him to dry.
  3. I'm in a dual degree for Information Technology, for Network Specialist and Technical Support Specialist. The idea is to graduate december of 2017, after that, hopefully finding a stable job. Edit: When I do graduate, I'll have two Associates and at least one or two Certificates all at once. As for how long do I know it will take? I honestly can't say. It's hazy because of all of the factors at play, but we definitely do want to meet, that much is certain. Like really badly. Your questions though do make me think on this, and I'm talking with him as well on his side of these questions, a first step to actually planning, at least a little bit. Edit 2: As we've discussed, at the very least we can see tt happening within the next couple years at max. Realistically, I have to finish college and find a job, and he wants to finish college and find a stable income, and then we can go from there. So we're getting a timeline set now. I know as the other poster said that most shouldn't take that long, but not every long distance relationship allows for quick meets, especially when financial things are at play and all of that.
  4. I don't have a wage, no; I survive off of SSI at the moment, in college trying to set up a future for myself and hopefully, for the two of us. My only family proper is my sister and my mother, and they don't have the time or resources to be able to afford taking me down there or bring him up here. I'm not that young either, though, and I know that I don't have all the time in the world. He himself is in a similar situation; finances aren't that great, family couldn't help at all. I get a sense of condescension from you however.
  5. Things aren't exactly the most stable, yeah. If I were to answer your question, I would say that he is someone I met online who might possibly become my life partner in real life. I want to make arrangements with him and do plan to do so, and I say this without hesitation, even after reading everything you've said. Both of us want to do this, and have wanted to for awhile; it'll just take some time to be able to do so.
  6. I forgot to mention that I really do believe that if I can get these little questions and needs for validation and proof via physical sensation and shet out of my head, that things will be absolutely perfect and we can go back to being normal and living our life together as it was meant to be. I'm just not sure how to get through that. I do plan to call my therapist tomorrow and see if I can move my appointment up earlier. This guy has been the most amazing thing in my life, he's inspired me to improve on so many levels personal and otherwise, he's done so much for me, and even when I tell him that I questioned my love for him he's right here with me. There is no love more pure and true than that, and I never want to have my dumb head make me let that go.
  7. Before reading, I want to put into perspective some of the things that go on in my head. I have chronic, severe depression, bipolar, anxiety disorders, and ADHD. I have a multitude of cognitive disorders: Filtering, Polarized Thinking, Overgeneralization, Jumping to Conclusions, Catastrophizing, Personalization, Blaming (of self), Shoulds (of self; for example, I should have [x] reaction with [y] emotion to [z] stimuli and if I don't something is horribly wrong.) and Emotional Reasoning ('I'm anxious, something is wrong.' 'I'm worrying, it must have some truth to it.') I am always overthinking everything, overanalyzing every little detail about my life. I have been consulting friends – including my lover – about what’s been going on in my head lately. One friend is a ‘no BS’ practical and realistic type of person who won’t tell you what you want to hear unless it’s true. One is a logical but supportive type. My sister and my other friend are the full supportive type. My lover is practical, but loving. They all have come to the conclusion that I’ve just been getting wrapped up in my own head with worrying myself to death. So many perspectives can’t be wrong, right? That and a lot of what was happening was lining up with my distortions, or so it seemed at least. I’ve been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years now. He lives in Mexico, I live in Wisconsin. We’ve had our ups and downs, and we’ve even had some painful stuff to work through, but no matter what happened, we always worked through it together. Our communication is amazing; we don’t really hold back when things are bothering us and such. We’re compatible to the same level: Our hobbies are the same, our methods of gameplay match in video games, heck without voice chat and just playing we’ve been capable of some seriously great stuff regardless in co-op games. Our compatibility has been so high that we and others call us ‘soul twins.’ The only real “downside” is that we haven’t been able to really voice or video chat – traumatic experiences make his family EXTREMELY uncomfortable with hearing him speak English, and he himself finds it incredibly uncomfortable to voice or video chat with anyone, so the past two and a half years have been mostly text. We have shared voice clips and pictures however, he even bought a teddy bear for valentine’s day to give me when we finally meet proper (and writing this tidbit makes me feel a little warm and smile). He and I are both in college, and not exactly the greatest on financial status, so visiting is a little tough still. He has been with me through everything though, he knows exactly what’s going on with this and still wants to be with me regardless. The past couple weeks though, I started getting weird questions in my head. Thinking about him face to face made me smile, but I didn’t feel anything intense as a result. It did calm me down in times of anxiety during this, however. I got the questions of ‘Am I in love?’ ‘Am I happy?’ ‘Do we have a future?’ normal things I’m sure, and I ended up getting very positive responses and results out of myself from them. But I still kept having these weird feelings of anxiety, though we still had our fun together, our mutual desires of intimacy and enjoyment of hobbies, etc. Whenever I’d have a moment of discomfort, or a thought related to it, it’d come swarming back to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. There were days here and there where it was almost like I had an epiphany, and I felt really really happy and I felt all the warmth I could have wanted in response to these questions, heck I even felt true peace which I haven’t in a long time. But then they all came back again. And then it all crashed one day when the question came about ‘Do I want this?’ and because of my weird state of things, I could not give a proper answer. The last two or three days I became so wracked with stress that I couldn’t function properly. No eating, no sleeping, no bathing, no cleaning, nothing. I was shaking so bad with tremors that it was more like very mild convulsions. I hurt so, so bad, and I could not answer any of my questions anymore. Thinking about our memories together, the games we share together, the hobbies, etc. actually hurt. I really thought I was going to have to let him go. The morning after the very first episode of this, I actually managed to pull myself into positive thinking: I was happy again, I enjoyed talking with him, planning hobbies, I was smiling and laughing, I was confident, everything was okay again. But then it all crashed again when I thought of how I wasn’t actively seeking to do any of our hobbies with him at the time. It wsa the most horrifyingly painful experience I’d ever have, but my friends all continued to tell me I’m simply worrying myself to death. I know better than to make decisions related to such heavy and important things during an emotional state, so I wasn’t about to. I felt hopeless though, almost. Yesterday, the day after, my friends repeatedly assured me that it’s all just in my head, so I decided, all right. I’ll just try to take it easy. I felt like I was someone who just underwent some massive medical procedure and was just in recovery. I was afraid to think or do anything for fear of triggering myself into another frenzied state of worry. But I started getting better, little by little. My head was swirling with the questions still, but I wasn’t going to address them just yet, and give myself time to heal a wound I’d given myself. There was a time where he said ‘I do love you so much, it’s all going to be all right’ and I got a little upset, and I didn’t know how to respond. All I said was ‘I hope so.’ He knows exactly what’s going on with this. I continued to start feeling better though, and I noticed there were little things here and there, subtle, that my mind was trying to do: I’d get the unprovoked thought ‘I love you’ without any real stimuli, for example. I’d started talking with him regularly without being distressed. I kept wondering ‘if I am really feeling better why am I not seeking his affection and love and comfort actively and fully again?’ but that’s an unrealistic expectation considering things. So I worked with that. As the day kept going, I found myself enjoying talking with him again, we shared affections willingly and I didn’t feel I was forcing myself to do so. I still had those questions though, and I couldn’t really answer them properly. I did end up starting to seek things though, little by little, and I found myself WANTING to tell her I love her, even if I didn’t have an intense physical sensation behind it to drive it. I started wanting to call him ‘babe’ again, and our pet names, and stuff. All of my support circle told me that it’s okay to not have physical sensations behind things, so I’ve just been rolling with it. But, the questions were still haunting me, so I did a little research online, and I ended up finding a post here on this very site that spoke of how people have experienced this same exact thing. A lot of people did in that one thread alone. On a more face to face basis of course, but I feel like that it could still apply even in my situation. I started feeling calmer, things started making more sense, though I was still a little uncertain. He ended up making me smile with some things here and there before we went to bed, and I’d felt more comfortable and comforted.I was able to go to bed and sleep properly. This morning, I look back on this all and while I still feel a tiny bit anxious and wary, it all does seem kind’ve silly. I can let thoughts like ‘I love you’ ‘Things will be okay’ ‘I will be okay’ ‘We will be okay’ ‘We have a future’ ‘I am in love’ flow with no real resistance otherwise, and I tell myself that it’s okay that I don’t have a very specific physical sensation to roll with it. I found myself thinking of enjoying our hobbies together again even though I am not specifically seeking it right now; I look forward to catching E3 with him, and thinking of our history and our hobbies and all of that doesn’t hurt anymore. I get the ‘what if’ of ‘What if I don’t seek them and him actively?’ but that’s silly of course. He just came online amidst typing this very moment, and I immediately wanted to greet him, and we’re already talking of E3 and a little bit of how I’m feeling and I’m doing so with no hesitation whatsoever. I feel some tremors still regardless, mostly because of those questions, faded as they are, floating about in the back of my head. I want to say ‘yes’ to all of them, along with reiterating that depression really can make this kind of thing happen, especially in a long distance relationship. Even so, though, I feel like rambling about it… and perhaps see unbiased opinions on the matter.
  8. This may have been posted several years ago, but I still want to show some appreciation for it and those who answered. I have a long distance relationship for almost three years now, and we've been mega happy until the last couple weeks, when I started doing these same things. Everything everyone's mentioned has lined up to a T. I have chronic severe depression and bipolar, with a mix of other things and I am a person who is constantly overthinking and overanalyzing and such. The last two days it has stressed me out to the point that I could not eat, sleep, drink, bathe, anything, I wasb eing absolutely devestated because I had gone from being completely okay to having absolutely no idea what I wanted anymore. My partner, though, is someone who has been there with me through everything; we've worked through a lot of pain, and they want to be here with me even though they know that this is going on, they don't want to leave my side at all. So to learn that these factors in my head can lead to this, gives me hope, and makes me feel a little better. Still wary and all that, my head still seeks validation and proof of everything, because that's what depression does, but still. Thank you all.
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