Hello, my name is Jennifer and I'm new here. I'm 42 years old and I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12. I also have a whole host of other medical and mental health issues: Tuberous Sclerosis, LAM Disease, Stage 3 Kidney Failure, a heart arrhythmia, a seizure disorder, severe anxiety with agoraphobia, OCD, and I was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (which for some reason my doctors and therapist can't agree on. One doc will say I have Borderline, another says no, then another says yes, and another no.) I have a lot of doctors.
Anyway, I am on Social Security Disability. One one hand I am very appreciative because it relieves a lot of stress and holding down a job is impossible for me, medically and mentally. BUT I cannot get over the crushing regret that I have over doing NOTHING with my life. NOTHING. I'd say predominately from 2000-2016 I have done nothing to advance my life. So from 26-42 is a complete waste - 15 years of my life that I will never get back. I want so bad to do something with my life. Work ... go back to school ... travel. Also, I have been grouchy, anxious and depressed because my life has been such a waste. How my son has grown up and still talks to me, I don't know. He's 19 now and in college. He lives with me. It's just the two of us. I have tried to be a good mom to him, but with my medical/mental issues, I know he has struggled. Another regret of mine.
Please ... any advice would be great. I feel like I'm drowning here with nothing to do but dwell in my thoughts. I do try to read positive books (I just got finished reading the whole bible - from Genesis to Revelation). And I've read self help books. I watch TV. Pray. But with anxiety and depression my creeping thoughts ALWAYS come back. Meds don't help me ... I've been on so many through the years. (Another reason they think I may be Borderline ... truly, Depression meds have NEVER worked for me). I think if I could let go of the regret of all the lost years that would help a lot. I feel like that holds me back. I did apply to go back to college this fall - so I look forward to that. BUT I just pray that I can handle it with the anxiety. I don't know if I can but I really, really want to at least try. I have to do SOMETHING with myself. I just sit at home all day, every day. I feel like I'm rotting away with nothing to look forward to but even more wasted years. I want to get my degree that I never finished. I want to work. And I want to be productive!!!!! And happy.
For me and for my son. I want him to have something to be proud of me for
Thanks for all advice, Jennifer