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Everything posted by Hermitic

  1. No, I don't mean that I seek validation through her or that I believe only she could make me happy. Rather, in my mind she became a representation of my failure and inadequacy, as we once were very similar people in very similar situations. She has done far more with her life than I have with mine. Thus her success shows what an incapable fool I am. Yes, I have unreciprocated feelings for her, and that certainly makes things worse, but that is not the primary focus of my present emotional anguish. I have always thought of relationships as resulting from pragmatism. However, I don't meet or interact with people, and depression hinders my ability to connect and communicate. I spent months going to many social events and being very active, filling my time with work and activities. I spent a lot of time with people, yet from that I developed no relationships, platonic or otherwise. I was frustrated and exhausted constantly, as I disliked being around people and interacting with people. I am certainly an introvert, and I would much rather have a small group of extremely close friends that a large group of shallow friendships. But I don't have any friendships. You're probably right about me needing to be in a different state of mind, as my myriad attempts in the past year resulted in nothing. However, I don't know how to do that. Moreover, I don't want to interact with just anyone. I am extremely picky about the people I will accept, and I think this is preferable to having lots of "friends" I don't actually like. If I will closely interact with someone, I want that someone and myself to be compatible. But I can't seem to meet people, and people have consistently rejected me and left me for my entire life. Clearly I am simply repulsive. Conversely, that woman has close relationships and people to talk to. I don't, thus my coming here and whining to strangers. I never had the emotional support necessary to develop a sense of self or experience a life that seemed meaningful. Many people vie for her attention, as she has responsibilities. I must whine for anyone to notice me, and I am always the inferior in social interactions.
  2. It's not just the relationship; it's what she represents. She is what I could have been. She shows me how poorly I have led my life. Would I be perfectly happy if she had ever accepted me? No. Would I be happier? Yes. I would have finally had someone to share my life with and care about me. I would have finally felt accepted and loved, I could have matured. I didn't and don't love her, and I don't seek validation through her specifically. Rather, I want to be loved by someone, and I have never met a better candidate than her. I am at least mostly to blame for her rejection of me, and that is one more regret to add to the enormous list of them which burdens me always. I don't look for information about her because it gives me some kind of high or makes me feel good; it actually makes me feel horribly about myself and massively worsens my depression. I also do not necessarily mean romantic love. I want someone I care about who cares about me, and these feelings must be intrinsic. I have never felt intrinsically motivated to make anyone happy, except her. She inspires emotion in me that no one else has been able to replicate. I crave human interaction, but I am extremely picky about who I want to interact with. She met and meets every requirement, so he permanent distance is yet further pain. I feel worthless and incompetent, idiotic and wasted.
  3. Since I was last here, I have done a lot. I moved to another country and have had internships and projects. I have tried to do meaningful things with my time, but I can't escape thoughts of my worthlessness... or her. Who is she? A girl/woman I have been obsessed with since 2011. I have had strong feelings for her that no one else in my entire life has even come close to invoking. She rejected me, and I ruined my only chances of interacting with her. We think very similarly, we have similar opinions, we have similar interests; we could have been good friends. I have had no meaningful friendships in my life. People have always left me, as I am repulsive. My depression has polluted my life and experiences since elementary school. Shortly before writing this I looked for information and pictures of her. I shouldn't have done that, but is trying to suppress my feelings really better? I can't tell her or anyone else how I feel. I have tried, but no one understands. I can't even explain it to myself, really. I wanted and want to love her, and I wanted and want to be loved. She is unreachable. Even if I found an email or postal address, it wouldn't help. She wouldn't respond, or her response would just add to the emotional pain I have lived with for many years. She was done a lot with her life. She has had friends and experiences. She is tremendously intelligent, and I am unworthy to waste her time. Conversely, I have done almost nothing with my life. I wasted time and money, and I'll never be able to retrieve the youth I have wasted. I am only 21, so I still have youth remaining, but it will be gone soon, and she will never want anything to do with me. We could have been great friends. We could have understood each other. I am so empty, hollow, numb. Thoughts of her make me feel. Unfortunately, that feeling is pain. I have only been able to do what I have done recently because I have money, not because I am capable or intelligent. I paid enough people and was able to secure unfair positions. I am a wretched fool, and she was right to reject me. I have attempted suicide many times, but I always fail or give up. I don't want to live with this pain any more. I have had bulimia for years as well, and I have badly and irreversible damaged my body through that. My pain will only increase with time. Her life will become more meaningful and she will have great memories. My life remains hollow, and I can hardly remember much, and what I remember is mostly shameful and regrettable. No one cares. So I whine anonymously on some website. What a loser. None of you know me. No one else knows me either. I don't know me. Those I have tried to explain myself to have left, or I have discovered them to be not suited for me. I cannot relate to people. I cannot make friendships or relationships of any kind. All I can do to escape endless crying is suppress my feelings, and I don't want to do that. I want to feel! I want to love! Why must it hurt? I am a fool for wasting my life and opportunities. I'll never have love, and I'll never be able to express myself to anyone, including myself. I have to die anyway. I'm already dead, really. This thread will be buried like all the rest. You will forget me like everyone else has. No one can see me cry. I have no one. Why bother?
  4. I'm on Zoloft, and I have not experienced anything like what you are describing. Of course, I am not the same person as your wife, but blaming the drug for her behavior might be too simple an explanation. Or maybe it is correct. I suggest talking to a psychiatrist about it.
  5. @YohY I seem to find solace in people loving me for who I am now. I am important to a few people, and they like me regardless of my past. I'll never have my opportunities again, and I'll never be what I could have been. I don't think that will ever stop hurting, but sharing the pain with someone helps immensely. Of course, finding people to love you is a monumental task. Somehow I changed from requesting advice to giving it. I suppose I feel a bit better.
  6. He doesn't seem like such a great friend. That doesn't make you worthless. During my difficulties with my current relationship, I have found that relying on a partner to fill the hollowness of your life cannot work forever. I don't think we need romantic partners; I think we need people to care about us (whether they be partners or just friends). For me, life feels meaningless if I can't share it with someone. If you can't find romantic love, that's ok. So long as there is platonic love, so long as someone cares about you, things aren't so bad.
  7. @rainingviolets Good points. But regardless of the troubles my peers had, they still succeeded more than I. Maybe success does not equal happiness, but I tried to be complacent, and now I only feel more miserably. As you said, your daughters and I seem to have been tricked by society. But changing fundamental beliefs is difficult if not impossible. I learned long ago to not try to be the best, and I don't want to be. I'm not sad because I am inferior to my peers; I am sad because I am inferior to what I could have been, and my peers make this apparent. I failed my potential and led a hollow life of pain, and I wish I hadn't done that. But I don't think I have to be better than everyone or receive all the awards etc. I just want to have received what I think I was capable of.
  8. @gandolfication Not anymore. I made a separate thread about this, but my first girlfriend told me yesterday she doesn't want to be emotionally close. She doesn't want to be in a relationship, and now I'm alone again. I can't hold on to hope. I have felt pain for so long. I don't want to hurt any more. What you say makes sense; I just don't agree. I don't feel like depression is a liar. I feel like depression is the result of the truth. @zzzsheepyzzz Talking in circles is what I usually do regarding depression. People offer support, I say no, people offer support, I say no... Maybe success doesn't equal happiness, but failure certainly doesn't. I never thought about comparing myself to an elderly person. No matter how much I post here, I still don't feel better. @bigmike092 I'm not sure what kind of therapy it is. CBT, I think. I don't want to keep going. I'm tired of the pain. I have found no way of coping with my feelings of inferiority and regret, and now that I'm alone again, I have additional pain to intensify everything.
  9. I entered my first relationship a few months ago. We had a huge amount of commonalities, and I always enjoyed spending time with her. But yesterday she told me she doesn't want to become emotionally close, and now I'm alone again. She was the only physical contact with a human, and now she's gone. I am so tired of the pain. I never felt very strongly for her, but I still liked her. Now that she's gone, I realize how much meaning she gave to my life. I'm alone, and my life is as empty and hollow as before. Finding someone to love is so difficult, especially with depression. I needed her. She stayed with me when I was suicidal. She talked with me for hours when I couldn't stop crying. Now she's gone. Now I can't stop crying. I have work to do, but the pain is too much. Why can't I ever feel joy? I spent years looking for someone, and now she's gone. I was already suicidal, but now I don't see the point. The future looks so bleak. I know there is a lot of stress and pain coming in my life, and I don't want to face it. I could barely face life when it was carefree. I am too weak. I want to die.
  10. I feel similarly, except I have not tried to keep people away. I have craved love and tried to open myself to people, but I am still alone. Life is so hollow without someone to share it with. I want to give up too. I have tried. My life is a mess too, but I don't think that matters. Sharing the mess is better than sitting in it alone.
  11. I know exactly how you feel. I don't know how other people survive, and I have difficulty believing I have been alive for so long with this much pain. Nothing I have tried has made the pain stop. I feel like there is no answer.
  12. @zzzsheepyzzz There are many things I want that they have, but I missed my opportunities to get them. Prestigious scholarships, for example. Your view seems somewhat fatalistic to me; I believe in free will and I believe I could have lived a far superior life. A lack of desire to excel is absolutely a part of depression, and it ruined my opportunities. I think only in retrospect can someone say that depression is beneficial. My life has been shallow and hollow, not others'. @idkusername465 Not a problem. I don't use Facebook/Twitter/etc. anyway. @gandolfication Amazing? I don't think so. People being trapped in despair and continuing to suffer pointlessly is very sad, I think. Resilience is exhausting, and I can't find a reason to continue trying. I would never say that there is something burning in me. I do not have hope, because I know my position is irredeemable. I don't think depression forced me to believe that things cannot become better; depression merely made tht fact easier to accept. I don't want to hang on any more. Maybe I am moving forward, but I can never fix my past, and I will always be behind. @bigmike092 I know it's a mental issue, and I would have made many different decisions if I weren't depressed. But I was. I can learn to cope? I can't believe that anymore. After trying so much for so long, I still keenly feel my failure. Despite medication, therapy, and everything else, I still hurt. I disagree with you; failure is permanent. The people who want nothing to do with me will continue to feel that way. The opportunities I wasted will remain wasted. Permanently etched into my record is my late graduation and lack of scholarships. Since realizing I had depression I have tried being social, being active, therapy, antidepressants, trying unfamiliar things, and various psychological exercises, but nothing has helped. I am tired of the pain, and I am tired of living as if I can bear to face each day. I receive much support from you, my psychologist, and both of my friends, but I still feel awfully. People are busy, and they only care when I cry for help like an infant. I have work to do, yet I am here instead. I post here, and people offer support, and I don't or can't accept it. Everything feels pointless.
  13. Yes. This exactly. I lie in bed, dreading the thought of experiencing another miserable day. I am ashamed to open my eyes, as I see I am not where I should be, and, due to my wasted opportunities, I can never reach it. I think I don't agree with your "step one". I would have died by now if I weren't so weak and scared. I have tried to die many times, and I have found no better solution to my pain. I want to die. I have already wasted my life, so what is the point of continuing? @gandolfication I know life is painful, and I have experienced much pain. I know that depression exaggerates things, but I have depression due to my actions. I think my depression is a symptom, not a cause. And I can do nothing against that cause, so I am doomed to depression until I die. Thus my attempts at death. Too bad that your life was going so well, then suddenly went poorly. I suppose my life was going relatively well, but in retrospect I was never happy. Regardless, I don't think I'm the most miserable person in the world. I'm just miserable. Maybe starving village children have a worse life than I, but my pain hurts enough to make me want to die, so it seems legitimate to me. I don't see any point in being the best I can be; the best I can be isn't good enough. I must work very intensely just to reach what my peers did years ago. So long as I am alive, I will still try to work, but I don't want to. Like Zig Ziglar's story implies: doing nothing will result in a worse life than doing something, even if both lives are terrible. I suppose I could try to live a slightly-less-terrible existence, but why bother? @WhyMe9 So far as I can tell, there are no answers. We just suffer forever.
  14. @gandolfication I know we all have painful regrets, but I feel ashamed to open my eyes every morning. My regrets overwhelm me, and I feel that my current life is invalid and illegitimate, like a chess game after an illegal move. Since I realized I had depression I have tried to make changes, and now I am taking steps toward goals. But everything seems pointless. I must strive and undergo much stress to reach what my peers did years ago. But this is permanent. I have thrown away too much time, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. My peers have awards, certifications, internships, scholarships, and various other impressive things on their resumes, while mine is more or less blank. For the rest of their lives they will have those things to be proud of; they will always be marked by success, and I failure. Maybe you appreciate my contributions here, but does that matter? This doesn't help me professionally and this won't fix the relationships I've ruined, The people I lost will remain lost, and nothing I type here will change anything. The people I tried to love will never read this; my opportunities for communication are long past. @bigmike092 It's not that everyone from my high school is doing well; I know of particular people. The problem is that I was capable of doing what they did. I could have experienced their happiness and success and lived a fulfilling life. Instead I hid. Yes, I have suffered from depression, and that is not entirely my fault. However, I let my depression control me and threw away opportunities. I refused the help that was offered to me and did not know I had depression until years after I doomed myself to failure. Blaming the depression is too easy; I am responsible for my failure. My medication has apparently done nothing, as suicidal thoughts remain prevalent in my mind. I cannot escape my inferiority. I cannot be anything but a failure. I have never been happy; at best I was complacent or distracted. Now I must live the rest of my life knowing I wasted what should have been the best years of my life. I don't want to cope with decades of pain. If nothing can change who I am, I would much rather end my pain now than suffer under it for years.
  15. I cannot help but feel worthless. Many people I knew from high school have done so much more with their lives. Due to my depression, I hid and ignored opportunities, and now I am permanently behind those people. I know I am inferior, but I don't know how to cope with that. Everywhere, everytime, everyday I feel a burden of shame, guilt, and regret. I could have utilized those opportunities and had the success they did, but instead I doomed myself to permanent inadequacy. How can I cope with inferiority, and knowing that I am responsible for it?
  16. I agree. Thank you for reading my story, and I will look into your suggestions. I am very glad this website exists, as the support I have received here has been helpful. The burden of shame, regret, guilt and despair only becomes worse with time, and I have needed much support recently. You are right that my life is ahead of me, but I do not look forward to it. I have had depression for as long as I can remember, and the future has always been more painful that the past. I feel as though the future already came and went, and now I am stuck in some needless epilogue. For years everything has seemed pointless and hollow. I have not felt excitement or drive. I don't want anything. I am overburdened by undergraduate work that I should have moved past by now. I should be writing a research paper, but my depression makes focusing very difficult.
  17. Another update. I went to my university's psychologists and psychiatrists, and I am now in therapy after being diagnosed with dysthymia, major depressive disorder, and possibly panic disorder. I have a prescription of Zoloft and weekly appointments. I feel extremely uncomfortable with all this, but I'm tired of feeling horribly every day. I think of all my wasted years and feel ashamed. I could have been so much more. I could have been proud of myself. Instead I am ashamed to open my eyes every morning, and I hate myself for making my situation so poor.
  18. The feelings have not abated. I still feel basically the same as I did when I wrote this post. I was mentally capable of so much more, but I was too ignorant and lacked perspective necessary to utilize my opportunities. I wanted to do more, but I didn't know how, and I didn't look. Now I know what I could have done, and the wasted years are a horrible, painful burden of regret. Every moment of every day I feel this. I can't enjoy anything. I never feel pleasure and am under constant, debilitating stress. I feel that I am pathetic, that I am in the wrong place. I will forever be lesser than people who had the same opportunities as I did because they didn't hide and suffer like I did. If only I could have seen. If only I would have realized what was happening five years ago. I have intensely disappointed myself and betrayed my values. Now I occupy myself with needless, unbefitting work while I wait for an opportunity to begin the studies my peers finished years ago. I know my situation is far better than many others', but I find no solace in that. Partially this is my fault, and partially it is my society's and parents' faults. Regardless, I don't know where to go or what to do. In November I must take some difficult tests to be admitted into graduate school. If I fail, I'm sure I will **** myself.
  19. My depression is much worse. Suicidal thoughts have returned and I am constantly crushed by despair. Regret, shame, guilt, and inadequacy plague me.
  20. I can relate; the severe emotional burden of my depression seems to discourage all interaction with me (when combined with my ineptitude). I have nothing different to recommend. Try to find some comfort here and continue trying to find people to support you in "real life". I wish I knew a way to no longer need a lot of support. Maybe therapy?
  21. Thanks for the support. I suppose I feel so poorly about my education because I had opportunities to do much more, but I wasted them. @clemons22 I feel like I should be thankful that I have a relationship, as I know there are many people like you. I will try to appreciate her more; not long ago I felt horribly lonely, and I don't want to feel that way again. Not comparing myself to others is extemely difficult. I have known it is a bad idea, but I can't seem to change my mental processes.
  22. Me again. I didn't post this with my story because I worry readers might be deterred by that post's length. I was gone for a while because I thought I would feel better. I have returned to the university, I have applied for many jobs, I have a girlfriend, and I feel terribly. I should be writing an essay now, but I am plagued by emotional duress. I am still an undergraduate, and being in class with people much younger than me, doing work similar to what I did in high school, has made me feel keenly how behind I am. Some of my high school peers are earning PhDs, as they have used their time much more wisely and advanced their lives. I cannot catch up, as I have wasted too much time. I plan to begin a master's degree in April (I hope to be in Germany), but that has been such a nightmare of planning and paperwork that failure seems likely. I am ignorant of emotions and how to deal with them. I don't know what I want, and I don't know how to connect with people. Surrounded by adults, I feel alienated despite being an adult. I have been rejected from many jobs. The only money I have received is from Uber, but that pay was terrible and I was fired. My depression has not abated, and leaving bed is still difficult. I have many things to do, yet somehow days pass without anything being accomplished. Everything I do feels like a waste of time. I feel I shouldn't be here. I should have more education, more qualifications. I have my first girlfriend, and she is... ok. I don't feel an overwhelming desire to spend every moment with her. I don't think she's amazing. Spending time with her can usually moderately hold my interest, but I am much more concerned with my work (or lack of it) and other worries. When I hug my girlfriend, I hardly feel anything unless I imagine she is the girl I am still obsessed with. I feel like a tween living in a much older body. We haven't kissed, and I feel no desire to. I can't imagine us ever having sex. I don't find our interactions exciting or satisfying. Sharing my life with her has not been enlightening or emotional. She can only offer condolences, not analysis, as she is extremely similar to me (i.e. ignorant, imperceptive, and unimaginative). If you're curious, here is my story:
  23. Being a young university student is tremendously stressful. I can relate to not feeling motivated. I spent a semester doing almost nothing. I highly recommend persevering in your studies; they are a great chance to escape your unfortunate situation. Try to remake your schedule to fit you. Working is short-term financial relief, and school is long-term. Your long-term rewards could be much greater than your current short-term ones, and surely having a better life situation would help alleviate your depression. Just because you can't do it with the same enthusiasm as your sister doesn't mean you can't do it. You are a valuable and worthwhile human, and you deserve to feel better.
  24. A tricky question. I don't think talking to anyone but her would help. However, approaching her about it may be negative also. If you are truly concerned, perhaps you could ask her if she's ok while somehow implying that you know about her vomiting. Silence is another option, but should she be left to her self-destructive behavior?
  25. Exactly. I can identify many of my life's poor decisions, and I know I have wasted time too. The important thing is to not waste any more time. I spent months pouting and doing nothing, hating myself for wasting time. That solved nothing, and I realized that I cannot change the past and must try to make my future better. Try not to chastise yourself, @Marie241. You didn't choose to have depression, and your past mistakes need not define who you are today.
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