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depressedamber

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Everything posted by depressedamber

  1. I am a college student, I work so hard, every day I hit complete exhaustion. I come from a very low income background, I’ve had to fund my education on my own and it has been so hard. A lot of times I had to send money back home to help take care of my younger brother. I dont have a car, and its embarrassing to tell people Im parking outside at 22 years old. I always walk, I can barely even afford public transit sometimes it rains so hard, sometimes its so cold. I’ve went so many winters without a proper coat or ironing patches onto my clothes. I’ve been sick and unable to afford medicine and to see a doctor, but through it all I always smile at others. I’m a honors student, I’m involved in organizations and even the president of some organizations. I haven’t bought bras in so long, the wire is cutting my chest, my clothes are worn and frayed, and I don’t have dental or vision insurance. I’m stuck with aching teeth and a 3 year old eye prescription I can only have filled overseas because America stores will not fill it. Its embarrassing always going back to school without everything I need despite working so hard. My dream is to become a psychiatrist and mental health advocate. I want to work in underserved areas and help people find their happiness. I don’t want to lose my shelter, and I feel just minutes away from an eviction notice. I have started a new job and will not get paid until July. If anyone can help me it would mean the world to me, if you leave your email in the note section I can PDF your donation being used towards my rent and a handwritten THANK YOU note…I am behind a total of $544.90. Donate here: https://www.paypal.me/brokecollegekid I know a lot of people out here aren’t genuine, but I’m pleading and crying for help. Please don’t feel obligated if you feel like it would take too much from your family or kids.
  2. To start off this is a lesbian relationship. My girlfriend was assaulted twice while she was in the military, she is now separated from the military. When she was let out of the military, she was assaulted twice more, and cheated. Her friends are horrible influences, they are all using drugs or not moving forward with their lives. She cheated on me in January with a guy she was in the mental hospital with, she was suicidal the entire week leading up to it, she was drinking and not drunk. She cried for weeks after because she hated it and hated what she'd done. She was abusing alcohol for over six months to cope with the trauma in the military. In addition, there was an occasion she was blacked out drunk at a party over the summer and another instance her best friend let a bunch of horrible guys in her apartment and she was assaulted again. I can't seem to understand why all this has happened, she swears up and down she's fully gay and the choices she made is because of what happened in the military and childhood. She has been clean from alcohol for six months, she's now enrolled in college, she receives military compensation because she's disabled physically and has PTSD, she's involved in the school choir, dance team and goes on wounded warrior trips to help her. So far, she has made a three sixty in her recovery, she still apologizes every single day and I feel like a majority of her depressed days are because of the guilt she feels. Now she has a therapy animal and takes her pet everywhere and literally will not be alone with a guy ever, she is very cautious now, and even has GPS on when she's going places so I can see her or have me on the phone. She seems very paranoid at times. In addition, she has cut ties with all her old friends. It feels like shes talking to be sober like she's looking back on everything. I feel like sometimes I have flash backs of the stories she's told me of how things could've happened. And it just messes me with mentally and brings me down. I feel bad like I should be strong for her but I always put it behind her and try not to let her know. I feel low sometimes thinking about how she was assaulted and how its went down hill since then, sometimes. Honestly sometimes seeing members in uniform cause me to feel extreme emotions..I know all men in the military are not bad, but when I see someone in uniform the thoughts just begin to race.
  3. I am so tired of constantly being stressed my age, I feel like everyone else is having fun and enjoying there lives. I am a college student on the pre-medical track, I plan on taking the MCAT exam this week. I have not had a summer this year, I've spent my entire summer studying for this exam, 6 days a week for 50-60 hours per week. My mother was in a car accident my freshman year that left her in a bankruptcy and only bringing home about $400 per month and my dad lost his job of 20 years. I am in the process of applying to medical school, so far I've already invested $1000+ in primary applications and my exam. I have an old hospital bill I just found out went to collections for $109 that will ruin my credit if I don't pay, I just don't have it. My dad said he was going to take care of it, but never did.My clothes are worn and are developing holes, I have no money to replace my clothes. I am down to one bra and the wires are already coming loose and cutting me each day. Secondary applications will cost close to $700 and I don't know how I will do it, I don't even have money for books this year. I'm worried the stress of money will effect my exam and my grades, I am just exhausted with constant stress. I am a couponer, I get a lot of things like paper towels, toilet paper, lotion, soap, shampoo, detergent etc for my family and myself to take back to campus, that is the only positive I can think of.
  4. Need $400 to apply to medical school i got a fee waiver because of my parents income but it still doesn't cover enough... about to sell my bed and bedroom set id rather sleep on the wood floor than to not pursue my dream...
  5. I am tired of being broke, I'm sick of coming home from college to a complete struggle. I'm 21 and I don't even have a car (I live in a rural area in the middle of nowhere), I feel like a complete loser but I gave up so much to pursue my career in medicine, it has always been a full time job to me. My mom makes $200 every two weeks after bankruptcy takes her entire check, and my dad lost his job of 20 years. I can barely see walking through the house at night I'm tripping and falling over things because my mom keeps the lights off to save electricity. I am studying for the MCAT this summer as well as applying to medical school and its already going to be hard enough with the environmental stressors and trying to study on an empty stomach most days. My family did qualify for fee waiver on my application which I'm grateful for but Im still about $500 short and I have to pay my school $400 in advanced tuition by the end of the month, which is completely stressing me out considering I have to study for the MCAT full time if I want to take it in the next 3 months. I know people love to say sell your phone well it just broke recently and it probably won't ever get replaced, all I have is my laptop which all of my prep material is on which I may have to print out in case the power gets cut one day. I don't know what to do accept just accept these horrible conditions..
  6. EVERY SEMESTER IT IS TIME TO RETURN TO COLLEGE AND I GET AN OVERWHELMINGLY SICK FEELING THAT TAKES OVER MY ENTIRE BEING. All I AM IS AN HONORS STUDENT, ALL I AM IS THE GOLDEN CHILD, ALL I AM IS AN ASPIRING DOCTOR, ALL I AM IS YOUR FAVORITE DAUGHTER, FAVORITE SISTER, FAVORITE COUSIN, YOUR ROLE MODEL, ALL I AM IS DEPENDABLE, YOUR SHOULDER TO CRY ON AND ALWAYS THE ONE WHO MAKES TIME TO LISTEN, ALL I AM IS EVERYONE'S THERAPIST. BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS TO ME BECAUSE I AM HORRIBLY DEPRESSED, AND I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, AND I WOULD TRADE IT ALL FOR HAPPINESS. I HAVE FEW LIFE STORIES TO TELL BECAUSE I’VE LIVED EVERY YEAR OF MY LIFE UNDER A CLOUD, I’VE NEVER LIVED. ALL I AM IS MY GRADES, ALL I AM IS HOW HARD I STUDY, ALL I AM IS EATING ALONE IN THE DINING HALL, ALL I AM IS THAT GIRL SITTING ALONE THAT EVERYONE WALKS PAST AND I PRAY SOMEONE NOTICES ME AND JUST ASKS IF THEY CAN BORROW MY SALT. THESE FOUR WALLS TO MY BEDROOM AT HOME, THESE FOUR WALLS TO MY DORM ARE THE ONLY EYES OF MY YEARS OF PAIN.
  7. I'm so tired I have so much to worry about with these exams and final exams right around the corner and I have no money and I lost my ID card so I can't eat. I haven't eaten in 3 days, I have low blood sugar... I'm literally shaking, my hands are tingling . I don't know what to do anymore. My biggest concern is my grades taking a toll because of my hunger.. I really have no one to turn to for help. Im so weak. I'd be so embarrassed if I passed out in class or something.
  8. I don't have any friends in college.. I was considering buying protein shakes for my room to replace meals and having to go to the cafeteria by myself. I feel like everyone is judging me..no matter what anyone tells me. I just want to get my degree and get out..Im terribly depressed. If my mother knew how depressed I was college she would cry.
  9. Since my girlfriend left for basic training I haven't been happy (I'm a female as well), she graduates next week and I've been crying almost every day she's been gone. People have been telling me that my reaction to this separation isn't normal. The day she left I had such a horrible episode I don't know if it was an anxiety attack but I was hyperventilating so bad I could barely breathe, I was just sobbing and rocking back and forth in the corner of my room. This hyperventilating lasted almost 3 weeks. Then it turned into nightly chest pains. The first 2 weeks of her being gone I felt like a dead person walking... I couldn't even open my mouth to talk because I'd been crying so much I lost my voice. Now it's WEEK 7, I've tried to keep busy, but I can't keep busy every hour of the day. I feel so hopeless. I wake up every morning and mornings have become my worst enemy. In my mind I think here I go again. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm ruining my relationship with my family because I've been isolating myself so much, deleted Facebook, I almost lost my job because I'm visibly not well. I can't blame it entirely on the separation it's just every aspect of my life is not going well right now--family, financially, my girlfriend in basic training, worrying about the future. It's like if my family tells me something just slightly stressful I start shaking, it's like I physically can't take anymore. I've had episodes were I've thrown and damaged things in my house and ended up in the corner sobbing for 4 hours... I just can't take it anymore. And no one cares!! I could cry as loud as I could it's like no one will ever hear me. I don't know who I am anymore. It's like I have no reaction to good news anymore. I can't sleep, I constantly wake up in the middle of the night. I have dreams of my girlfriend almost every night; I wake up and it's back to reality. I wish I could control these feelings, if there was a switch to be happy I would've flipped in 2 months ago... I feel like I'm the only one to blame. "You put all your eggs in one basket," people abuse drugs, alcohol, people abuse sex. I confided in her for happiness and she is my drug. It's not the distance it's having absolutely no communication that's hard. I've been miles away from her for months at a time. But if it's hard not being able to pick up the phone and call. She was the only positive thing in my life and this entire time I've been writing like crazy sharing nothing but positivity she has no clue of anything that's going on with me. I don't want to stress her. She is what I looked forward to at the end of the night. I don't know what to do.. I've read books, listening to audio books about it. I've been so depressed for 8 weeks straight.
  10. My life is falling a part. My parents have little money to even buy food anymore and this unpaid internship I have is just making matters worse. Sometimes I pray that they offer me free food or a snack..Sometimes I get so weak I can barely stand. I've been applying for a second job for weeks, have gotten interviews, but no calls back. The only money I make is from online tutoring and I have to save every penny for school in the fall which is not much. I lay in bed at night and have such bad anxiety attacks, my mind is always racing. I wish I could have a break just for once. Have relief just for once..
  11. I am so tired of everyone belittling how I feel. I am so tired of no one being able to understand me. I am so tired of my feelings being kicked under the mat so I look like a happy and functional person.
  12. You will not be alone. :) Its rare for someone to go there entire life alone.
  13. I am so depressed. I am college student, I will be a junior in the fall studying Pre-Med. I don't have a car, and I feel like I'll never be able to afford one. Last semester, I ran out of money it was such a struggle, I had no food in my dorm, I was filtering water just to have something to drink, and at one point I had to do laundry in a bucket in my room. On top of that I had a double eye infection, and problems with my kidneys... and a constant rash that I usually get when I have anxiety. It was one of the greatest challenges ever. All my clothes are dingy or damaged, I bought patches for $2 to patch the holes in my jeans but they were horrible. The only thing that kept me going was my relationship, at the end of the day I had someone to talk to, everything was OK. Well, my partner is in Air Force basic training with 42 days left.. I'm falling a part. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to smile about until they return. I was depressed before this relationship, but never depressed during and now it's back. I'm home for the summer. I lost all confidence in myself (of course my partner doesn't know anything of this because they need to focus) because all my clothes are damaged, I don't even want to leave the house anymore because I barely have anything to wear. I did get an internship yesterday at the hospital, that little joy only lasted for 10 seconds when I found out it was unpaid. I don't have a car or license so I have to rely on other people to take me. It's just hard. I do tutor online and get about $500 a month but it's just not enough.. I feel like all I'll have money for is books, none of my clothes will ever get replaced. I don't know what I'll do when my last pair of jeans rip.. It's hard because my family struggles and it's hard to even keep gas in the one car we do have to go anywhere.. I'm just fed up. There is nothing in life to smile about.
  14. Things are going to be rough right now but you are turning over a new leaf. You are back in the dating world, once you get over the "mourning" stage things will be much better. Always remember your feelings are temporary they never have to be forever. :)
  15. I'm sick of people telling me to get a grip. (I'm a female as well by the way) And my girlfriend just left for Air Force basic training, I've been crying at night to the point I can't stop hyperventilating nearly the entire month of May, I've cried over a month before her departure. We do have a long distance relationship. I'm use to talking to her and only her a majority of the day and now that she's gone I feel like my depression is being triggered all over again. Yesterday, I laid in bed numb I couldn't even move and today I feel like I can't breathe. This is my first serious relationship, not only is she my girlfriend but she is my best friend and I feel like I'm taking it a lot harder than most people. I don't know if they are panic attacks but I can hyperventilate and have tears falling for up to three hours at a time. I'm starting to withdraw from family more. I feel like Im mourning the death of myself. I cant put into words how horrible I feel..I am in a horrible dark, dark place I cant see myself getting out of. Part of me believes I'll be like this until she returns. I started working out again but that doesn't seem to help, I find myself crying after my workouts but I'm still going to continue because I'm trying to lose weight. I'm a college student home for the summer and I have an interview for an internship this week at the hospital and finishing up my application for volunteering at the ER in the VA Medical Center hopefully I get it and it can make this a lot easier but I'm afraid I will be so overwhelmed with depression that I won't be able to function. I feel like I can't breathe I keep rocking back and forth saying she'll be back but I end up hyperventilating and bursting into tears all over again. I feel like I have absolutely no one! I have friends but none of them live here they are back home for the summer as well and I don't have what you call "close friends," just distant people who message me from time to time. I know I need help but I don't know how I would explain this to my parents and the last thing I want is to be put on medication that is going to make me gain weight when I need to lose because I've been struggling with it a lot . I just wish this all was a joke. I wish this wasn't reality. Just a note partner doesn't know any of this and I do not plan on saying anything about it. Basic training is stressful and I would not want to add a burden.
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