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About wheelman82

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  • Birthday 10/16/1997

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    The Netherlands
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    Gaming, History, Alternative History, Psychology. Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Science, Religions and a whole lot more!

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  1. So, in this jolly time of year, nothing has really changed, I'm still as dysthymic as I have been the last seven years ( it's been seven years...). Oh, how my life has changed in the last year, and it has such little effect. I've lost at least 10kg (20lbs), down from 160kg (350 lbs), probably more, I don't actually weigh myself, this is purely based on the observation of others, and the fact that I can wear some old clothes again. I've started to walk regularly, at least 2 times a week between 3 & 5km (2, 3 miles), I enjoy it, but that's completely due to the people I walk with, not the actual walking, it's dull and often painful, the environment can make it worth it though. Reduced the amount of snacking by about 50%, replaced some of it with simple things like puffed rice cakes, it doesn't help with hunger, but the fact that I'm chewing on something with such a pleasant texture reliefs some of the anhedonia Started going back to school, and stopped when it didn't work out. This basically started because I found new help, he has studied Mediated Learning, It's a very different approach from the typical help you get, I can't really explain it, I can add a link if people are interested (I'm not sure about the rules with links), he was already helping one of my friends who is also autistic (me and all my friends are) and he got recommended to us, I see him about 5-6 hours a week split over 2 days, we mostly talk, lunch and walk, discussing basically anything that comes up, it's funny how often seemingly mundane problems can actually tell you a lot about yourself if you know how to look (believe me if I say that finding out how can be quite difficult), I've learned a lot about myself, started trying new things, started to get more comfortable with people I don't know. These two afternoons are often the highlight of my week, fun, productive and interesting. I now know much better than before why I am who I am, why I'm so messed up, why I got depressed, in how bad a shape I really am, and how to change for the better. But... even though I'm wiser than I ever was... healthier than I've been for years... It doesn't help! My dysthymia hasn't gotten lighter, every night I think about how useless I am, how much I drain my family, how much I want to die! I can't find any enjoyment outside of a few times a day, I just sit in front of the screen, watching videos I don't enjoy, getting angry, drain my mother, just waiting 'till I can eat again, eating and social interactions are the two things that aren't (yet) affected by the anhedonia, the days last too long for me, even if I spent 12 hours a day lying in bed, I can't feel anything but the desire to end it, there are moments I actually enjoy playing video games, but I often go days without it. in fact, you might say it's getting worse. There used to be the five of us friends would always be doing something, there was always someone to talk to on skype, someone to play games with, to rant with, to make stupidly dumb jokes that somehow made us all laugh, but that time is over now, Five smart autistic kids, sure, there were times when one of us had a bad time in school, or at home, sometimes you wouldn't speak to them for a week, but they always came back, and we had fun, when my depression started to become more severe I became completely dependant on them being online, maybe addicted to it, but now, two have gone to university, one of them I haven't spoken to in six months, the other comes online half of the days, one just started an extended education so that he will be able to go to uni next year (he had some set backs a few years ago), he also come online half the days, the last one just finished an extended education thingy six months ago, haven't spoken to him since, and before that I also didn't speak to him for a few months, I now fear that contact with the remaining two will dwindle further, and then, there will be no one left, it will just be me, I couldn't finish school, I was declared incapable of work, so I don't need to worry about money, I won't have much, but I can keep on living with my parents, I just can't maintain any new friendships, I mean everyone always like me, it's funny really, the kid that is always liked by everyone, the teacher's favourite, who is interested in almost any subject you can think of, will be lonely, cruel irony. I've already given up on the idea to maintain a romantic relationship, I'll probably die a virgin, but that's not important, but the idea of living without friends, I fear I will not last long,.. Alright, well, that's that, I guess. Merry Christmas or whatever, I've got a family dinner to look forward to on the 26th, at least, that'll probably be fun...
  2. This seems like a good idea, now I don´t have to feel guilty for ranting, I will though, I feel guilty about everything, I even feel guilty if someone next to me burns their mouth on their food, it´s not my ****ing fault they did something stupid, why do I feel guilty!? It's not my responsibility to make sure that others don't make mistakes! I'm not a babysitter! I truly am my own greatest enemy! well, at least the most successful one... So, here you go, I claim the first rant! (I actually came here just to say that I thought it was a good idea, the rant kinda happened, sometimes, I even amaze myself...)
  3. If your experiences are nothing more than a chemical reaction, then the things that happen, that you experience are also chemical reactions, so, yes, depression can most certainly be triggered by nurture, as it is just an extremely complicated chemical reaction triggered by other chemical reactions. If you want I could try to explain it more in depth, but it's 3 am while I'm typing this, so I'm not gonna do it right now. Could be possible, but I can't say, the chemical reactions defining depression are not yet fully understood, I don't know how much biology you had in your life, but there comes a point where you realise that many things we like to know, are just not available to us right now, especially regarding neurological biochemistry. "How do you guys deal with it?" Honestly, I don't, I have been officially declared labour incapable (don't know if it's a thing in other countries, but here in the Netherlands it is) by the government because of my dysthymia and stress-related episodes of depression, therefore entitled to get disability benefits, I live with my parents, who are, thankfully, happy to help me in any way they can, but, still most days, it's trying to control my depressions, limiting exposure to stress triggers, as I like to call them (From now on :P), trying to not stuff myself with food, eating helps me a lot, it's an almost guaranteed good feeling for a very short time, the better it tastes the more effect it has, of course, this isn't good for my physical health, but neither is being suicidal, so better to have a few good moments every day, than 10 more years of life, it's not that bad BTW, I weigh about 150kg/~300 pounds while being 1.97m/~6 feet 7 inches. Exercising helps most people, or at least they claim it does, I can't confirm (nor deny), as my physical handicaps deter me from intensive exercise. For me talking about interesting subjects like history, politics (Double edged sword, that one.), science, art (to a limited extent), games and music (dependent on the game/music discussed), fiction and literature (I wanted to be a writer, but I've given up on the dream,), movies, tv-series and anime that I'm interested in, (I mean, if you value literature and fiction, it's a given), psychology and sociology also have my interest, sometimes even sports :). When it comes down to it, social interaction works really well for me. But when you are actually facing a depressive episode, nothing works, you just gotta eat, sleep and wait out the storm, avoid alcohol (my aunt became an alcoholic due to her depression), try listening to music, it can soften the suffering but it won't take it away (depressing music has my preference...), cry if you want to, maybe find comfort in your partner if you have one, but if your current mental state is annoying/triggering them it's best to avoid them, I couldn't say if this works, I've been dysthymic since my thirteenth (turned 20 last Monday), I never had the chance to fall in love with someone. Well, that's it for what I have to say, if you the desire to talk about, well, practically anything, feel free to send a PM, but I warn, I digress, A LOT, not that that wasn't obvious from the way I construct my reply :D. EDIT: Really, another Dutchman beat me to responding to this topic, what are the chances, lol.
  4. Yes, the world is meaningless, there is no point to life, but while we here, let's just try to have fun, and be good people and help others. Optimistic nihilism, this is how I see the world. I try to avoid the news and all that and just survive by being cynical about everything, just living day to day is the only way to stay alive for me.
  5. In your situations, I'd definitely advise seeking help, some meds might be able to be put to some good use. This is the first time I heard about misophonia, but I've got either that or something similar with the sound cardboard boxes make when opened and close, when the pieces of cardboard touch it each other, as soon as I hear the sound I physically twitch, and if exposure is prolonged I can get into a rage, even thinking about it makes me twitch. I don't want to be too negative but, I suspect it's going to get worse, be prepared for this, it will be bad, but the world will not end, you can get through it, don't be afraid to talk about what you're experiencing with your family and others close to you. I'm not sure whether or not I should have told you that. Good luck. BTW, I do not know of any specific form of depression that will cause the symptoms you experience, but depression, especially in an early stage, can manifest in many different ways, anhedonia (the loss of pleasure) is most definitely a symptom associated with depression and dysthymia (chronic mild depression)
  6. It's a funny thing those anti-depressants, the side effects can be really nasty, I personally experienced increased anxieties and severe near bipolar level mood swings, one moment you feel like you can take on the world, and five minutes later you fall to your knees, not being able to get up for a few minutes from purely depressed mood, it went away in time, like most side effects do, eventually I went over to a different set of meds (I was also taking Abilify at that point), due to lowered responsiveness, everything from the time on those meds is kinda hazy, come to think of it, yeah, just as you described.
  7. This is gonna be a bit random but: "Why would a meteor hit a beach near my house if I live in a town 150km from the nearest coast?" Dreams, they'll never disappoint.
  8. Turning 20 today (Monday that is), what a coincidence that I found this right now. Anyway, I found that age generally doesn't really matter here, I mean, it's not like depression and such is really bound by age, well, I guess I never heard of any 2-year-olds being depressed, but hey. I've long felt disconnected from my own age group, I was better at talking to adults than I was talking to my own age group, but then, I got some friends who're also autistic and of a similar mindset, sadly, they're busy with university now, and I'm just spending my days... well... being depressed mostly. Hope you don't mind me rambling off... .... updated my signature to something a little more appropriate...
  9. People judging others without knowing the full extent of a person's situation, and me being anxious about the way others see me.
  10. I've taken some time to overthink this, and I don't really think so, but it might be, sadly there is no real way to test it. On the other hand, I usually try to balance my decisions between, the light and dark, my voting, for example, I don't vote either side of my duality, I vote on who I think will preserve the good things in my country, and try to limit the bad things, but wouldn't take the risk of great changes, and who respects the plurality of our society, which sadly, many parties have abandoned for a more conformist policy, what sad a day do we live in... I personally am not nationalistic or patriotic, but I love my country, not because it is my country, but because it takes care of me, and is traditionally a country of many views and faiths. Now that I think about it, my duality might be a bit of a cultural thing as well, I've been raised with the traditional norms of the region I grew up in, one of those norms is to never do anything that will trouble others, another one is to keep your eccentricities to a private environment, and there is also one about not showing intimacies in public, yet I believe everyone should be free to do what they like, so it's a bit of conflict between the two, my beliefs versus my upbringing.
  11. I'm a near complete atheist, the only ways in my mind a god could exist, are: A: He doesn't care for the world and we're only here to entertain him/them. B: He doesn't intervene in this world, maybe we are a scientific study of an advanced race in another universe. C: He has given up hope for our world. But anyway, the only thing I believe in is the balance between the will to do good and the selfishness of mankind.
  12. Just some good old Dutch fries, they're known as steak fries in the US, I think, with a good XL sized Frikandel (A typical Dutch snack to go with the fries, a simple piece of fried meat, mostly chicken), haven't had them for weeks, ah, how good they taste, I'm a simple man (man... I'm only 19), I enjoy simple food (I'm oversensitive to the textures and taste of food). I'll get back to eating healthy tomorrow, it's not like I'm actually putting any effort into losing weight, I just try to avoid snacking.
  13. Within me, there's a struggle., The light against the dark! The calm against the rage! The wings of freedom against the iron fist of authority! Acceptance against judgement! The flower of peace against the sword of war! Forgiveness against revenge! Plurality against conformity! Hope against desperation! Love against Hatred! So, after this introduction, you might have guessed that my person is divided into two states, on one side, the cynical anarchist and on the other side, the Machiavellian Emperor. My life is split in between good times and bad times, when I feel good I´m the kindest, openest and most forgiving soul you can imagine, still a bit cynical though (keep in mind that this is a hyperbole), but when I feel bad, there's a rage that cannot be stopped, caring little for the petty sorrows of any individual, willing to sacrifice the few for the goof of the collective of my own state, Emperor Wouter (Wouter is my first name, just try to pronounce it :P). (Again, hyperbole) But even when I'm actually feeling good, my inner Emperor influences my opinions, even though I want people to be free to live their own lives and make their own choices, I don't trust them to do the right thing, in my experiences, humans always find a way to screw themselves over. I want people to be able to choose their own faith, but at the same time, I want to destroy all religions for the sake of peace. I am against all forms of war, valuing peace over anything, yet I'm willing to send soldiers to sacrifice their lives for the greater good if I had the power. I believe that "the greater good" is just a means for the strong to justify their crimes against the weak, but I would be willing to sacrifice the few to save the many. This duality often makes me unable to accurately form clear opinions, but when I do, they're often extremely radical and harsh, this, along with my cynicism, leads to me feeling depressed after watching the news, as I often can't decide my own opinion, I start discussing things with myself, only leading me to conclude that there is no point in doing so as I won't progress by doing so, yet I repeat the process again and again, I hate myself, I've always hated myself, I hate my body, I hate my thinking, I hate my intelligence, I hate my luck, I hate my decisions. Sorry about this, I had to get this out of my system. Now, have a nice day :)
  14. Hello there, Welcome to this forum, we're a jolly bunch and we appreciate the company... yeah, that was unnecessary, (I like being sarcastic), but you are very welcome here. But on a more serious note, it sounds to me like you're going through a burnout, I personally haven't really experienced a burnout, but I know a lot of people who have, I would humbly advise seeking help, it may sound cliché but that's how it is, everyone I know that went through a burnout got through them by taking a step back from their work or studying and seeking help, I will let others advise you on how to seek help as I don't really know how you would find it. It also sounds like you're eating out of stress and not out of a normal desire to eat, I have the same problem but there is, as far as I know, no really good way to stop this, avoiding stress has helped me a lot but it's not always possible, attempting to control oneself can work if you plan ahead, in other words, don't buy too much food, if there is no food you can't eat it, this, although sounding simple, is really hard to do. If you can manage this you will need to try to find another way to relieve stress, exercising has helped many people deal with stress, personally, I prefer long walks, but due to physical handicaps I don't really manage but that's beside the point. And try, if at all possible, to set short term goals for yourself that you know you'll be able to achieve but still requires some effort, this again has helped many, try not to clean the entire house/apartment but just one room, if this is accomplished set another goal, and so on and so forth, and if you can't accomplish a goal, just try again later or set another goal, failure is part of life, and to fail is not bad in any way. I feel like I'm starting to preach, but this is pretty much the standard talk you will get at first when seeking help. Keep in mind that any problem you have, no matter how small it may seem in comparison to others, is significant to you, comparing your problems to people who have different problems is not only completely useless, it's also depressing, don't be ashamed of your problems, everyone is a victim to their own situation. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, I know your pain, everybody here understands what you're going through (Saying this to someone that is older than me really feels strange), and many of us are willing to talk about it, I mean that's literally the reason many of us visit this forum, so if you want to talk about something, just do. DISCLAIMER: I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist, I'm just a 19-year-old kid who wants to help in any way I can.
  15. I just now had a quite enlightening conversation with my friends about ethics and stuff, and I think I said things that need clearing up. Firstly, he would never say anything knowing that it would upset me, it's my own mind that keeps beating me down. Secondly, he has dealt with burnouts, he's autistic and he has known a lot of people who're handicapped. Thirdly, he isn't exceptionally rich, selfish or anything like that, the reason he believes what he believes is purely ethical, nothing else, he actually dislikes many of the people who share his views, because they're often selfish and/or paranoid. Fourthly, he doesn't believe his opinion is any better than mine for any other reason than that he's worked it out better, he actually hates it when people are just dismissed for being different in any way, he's perfectly fine with my belief that capitalism is just as bad as the government, he just doesn't share it. He's actually trying to help me get better, trying to motivate me to follow my aspirations to become a writer (I'm not making it easy for him), trying to get me to exercise more and regularly, trying to get me to read, and all of those things, he's a great guy and it's my own twisted and sick mind that keeps knocking me down, the reason he's so anti-governmental is because he just thinks it's wrong that they force you to do things, under the threat of violence.
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