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Third Eye Seeker

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Everything posted by Third Eye Seeker

  1. @Hermitic - Understood. I've hardly been called any derogatory term, directly that is. Even so, I'd consider their reasoning, for one... I am a sensitive person though I try not to be. - Tongue-in-cheek, nothing serious. - Perhaps, won't argue, probably true. What opportunities were you given? and I'm an anarchist, actually. - Understood. I was by no means trying to be philosophical with that analogy, I knew it was rough, but there was no other way at the time for me to explain it. By 'finish line' I don't mean eternal happiness... I mean actually finding someone you connect with. Running symbolizes actively looking for love or a soul mate, maybe even a friend. It is not a race in the sense that you are competing with others, it is a race in the sense that everybody is on the same platform and trying to reach a similar goal. But again, not trying to be philosophical with the analogy. It's just how I personally view it, it's merely a metaphor based on my life experiences. So, keep in mind what we've experienced may differ, ergo our point of views may differ. - You seem to imply that I think it would, the quantity of people is not the end-all, be-all factor. Depends on the actual people themselves, if they're kind people, then no. If we get along, then no. If they're the opposite, then yes. It can be two people. If they offset my well-being, I'll slowly break down inside the longer I stay around them. But before doing things like that [meeting people in private libraries], I need therapy, and possibly even a psychiatrist. Forcing myself out there will likely send me into a panic and make things worse. I need someone to work with one-on-one who can help me come to terms with everything and gradually build my self-esteem/confidence back. I'm not the equivalent to the average shy individual who just needs someone to open them up. I have issues that need professional help. Back in high school, one day over half of my physics class was out at an event. It was only about 13 of us in there. The room was more spacious and I was able to mentally breathe and work more efficiently. The lights were also off, I don't like bright lights, they make my anxiety rise. I usually liked my physics class, most of the people in there I was okay around. But when the class was half empty, I felt liberated. My social phobia problems never stayed idle, they continued to grow and manifest into something stronger with time. - Not really, granted I am comfortable with the person whom I'm conversing with. I don't like verbal speech. One thing that comes with anthropophobia is that depending on how severe the condition, you explicitly prefer written based communication over verbal communication. I don't mind speaking verbally if I trust the individual, however. Otherwise, I hate verbal communication. Whether or not I can articulate myself well now is unknown. I probably have a speech impediment because It's difficult to speak in real-time, my mind traces my thoughts faster than I am able to speak. Writing allows me to trace my thoughts precisely. It's also more intimate for me. I write how I speak, yes. I do not like speaking, though. - I'm surprised you asked. I'd imagine that sounds like an annoying thing to do, hence why I never do that. Personally, I feel like I shouldn't need to ask if they're just not going to ever talk to me again. That just (for me) shows they weren't interested enough. Even if someone died, for example. Now, depending on if we've actually been talking for a while and have established a connection, I would check in if she was absent. But if we never even established a connection (and I was the last to respond), I'm not going to bother them. If they intend to get back in touch with me, they will. Most girls that I tried talking to, they were usually online plenty of times after not contacting me again. Facebook "read" messages would show that they read my response, and they're still online... posting statuses. I don't like confrontations to be honest unless they're truly necessary -- such as if we've gotten well aquainted and they're unusually absent all of a sudden. Neither do I [think that they're all liars]. Has anyone ever sent you a message first?
  2. - I've been called s*upidfor thinking that there is nothing wrong with a specific music artist on youtube. So... ehm. - Well... for one, statistics. Two, my complete experience with going through the public school system. Three, my younger sister who is in elementary school, they are not properly teaching them what they're supposed to be taught. By the 5th grade, they're supposed to understand how to write essays, but her 4th-grade teacher never went over essay writing. Four, the public school system is hardly about teaching kids the tools they need for success, putting them on paths to success, giving them skills. In all honesty, by the time you graduate high school, you should be trained in a certain skill and have entry level experience for a specific job. When I say I learned absolutely nothing from most classes, I mean exactly that, in high school I mean. We were not properly educated, we were not given the tools for knowledge, it was just day care for teenagers. The most I got out of high school as I said was literature and computing/web design and working with Microsoft office (I'm certified). Everything else? waste. But I'm sure I'm the only individual who thinks that, so pay that opinion no mind. Doesn't really matter anyway. I still can't see how that correlates to arrogance, though. I'm not displaying a sense of superiority when I say that the public school system is a failure. I'm just saying that it isn't what it should be, it can be better in many aspects. I'm not telling ghost stories here, I've talked with others who fee the same exact way. - I thought (emphasis on "thought") you said you haven't met anyone. If you got someone to play games with you, seems like a success to me. Yeah, but let's look at it as if it were running in a race. How many of these people are running for an endless amount of time, still seeing no finish line? Maybe some people have the stamina to keep running, maybe others don't. Maybe others do not want to continue running because it's burning them out, it's no longer fun, it's no longer interesting. They want to sit down and stop, and they can. I want to stop before I pass out and fall unconscious. Not everyone has to run for 10 hours and still see no finish line... there is no reason a person has to keep running if they're too tired to go on. I'm quite content with this now, doesn't bother me much now that I've stopped running. Maybe if I just focus on myself and rest instead of running continuously, there will be another way to reach the finish line in due time. Plus, it isn't for everyone. And I'm also fine with that if that's the case for me. - Do you realize I have anthropophobia? - How so? - Not interested in chatting on a dating website signs up on a dating website where the selling point is to chat how ironic, classy. Tell me, Hermitic... what is the ratio of people you've messaged and haven't responded back? how many of them had the above excuses? For all the ones who had these reasons. Are they still communicating with you? because y'all did engage in greetings. That's not really a reason to not communicate with someone once you're feeling better. Put it this way... if they want to talk with you- like truly want to talk with you... whatever is going on, once that is blown over, they should talk with you no? See how I left for a week and came back? like that. Do they do that? just curious.
  3. @Hermitic Hey, I took a week off, I was feeling mentally burnt out. Then we experience the same thing. If I still have messages in my facebook, I'll reactivate it and show you some examples. I just have to remember the password for it. I had a secondary one and a primary one. Depends on what you define as 'arrogant'. I could be a lot of things, at this point, I'm quite defenseless. If someone called me a ******, I'd probably just believe it. It's not like I can counter that with anything other than 'no I'm not'. The best thing I can do is just try to be a decent person where I can as if that means much nowadays. Yes, yes I do. You'd be surprised how many people are only interested in the check, even if it isn't 6 figures a year. I've seen the difference between a teacher who is there because they love to educate and a teacher who is there because they're getting a check. You also have to keep in mind that individuals pay wages may differ depending on the degrees they have as well. Bottomline is I know a compassionate teacher when I see one. I have seen the opposite as well, they hate kids, they hate teaching, but they're getting some kind of money. Not every teacher is invested in making a child successful and truly educated in the future. The school system itself is an utter failure. I wasted 4 years of my life, learning absolutely nothing in most aspects besides literature and computing. When is the last time you were on OKCupid? what did your last conversation look like? And it doesn't work huh? To me, the whole dating site thing can lead to an addiction of sorts. That's the big reason I opted out of it. Women don't pursue men the way men pursue women. And even when you're a decent guy, it seems to be a worthless effort. I didn't want to be that person who was constantly trying to get something from it, it'll only make you more miserable in my opinion at least. Look at this video: If you're asking me personally, no, walls of text are not bad. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the act of talking, having a deep conversation. That's just who we are. It's just 'bad' when we end up trying to talk with someone who is incompatible with us on that specific level. The problem is that those 'types' far outweigh those who are similar to us. Writing/talking is a very stimulative thing for me, I like to soak in what a person is saying dissect it, and give a thoughtful response back. For example, if the average female (based on experience) asked me what I'm doing, I tell her "I'm brainstorming for a novel I'm writing, and you?" (I used to want to be an author). She wouldn't try to progress the conversation by talking about that, she'd just say "Just chilling" or something of that nature. If it were me and a female told me she was brainstorming idea for a novel, the lightbulb in my brain would turn on. I'd ask what her story is about. I'd offer my help/opinions as well. I'd show interest, not because I find it to be the right thing to do... but because I'm legit interested. I like to engage and share ideas, share thoughts, bouncing off what each other is saying like ping pong... a very beautiful thing. People who admire true conversation (as I call it) in my opinion are an endangered species. Four sentences? I've barely even gotten that! Four sentences seem like a nice way to start off, that seems like an engaging person. Here is the impression you should get: "Hmm. wow, he's very passionate" she'll read carefully what you say *writes a few paragraphs back in response*. There have only been two girls I've known of this breed to exist... both stopped talking to me shortly after. The old middle school friend that moved back to Oregon and a girl I met on youtube. I'm not outgoing or confident haha. I may wish to be and try to be, but I'm not. No one has ever made me feel that I am, I don't know. The only ability I'm confident in is breathing. I'm not entirlely sure what others expect of me, do you? To be fair, I never really felt I met anyone's expectations besides my teachers. I always felt way too old (mentally) to relate to anyone my age. It was always the older adults (excluding my parents) who seemed to understand me perfectly. I was just being myself, that worked with adults, but it did not work with those around my own age. Therefore I began to feel alone, and different from everyone else. I used to try to look for 'cougar' dating sites (ultimate fail) so I can befriend an older woman, mid 30s to late 40s-ish. Didn't find any site that seemed legit. I'm just down on my luck No one else has even told me about myself. So, I truthfully don't know what to change. What is there to change? become a 'badass' who smokes and lives above the law? I wish the females who rejected me actually gave me a logical reason as to why they did so. Same for you. We can't really know if it truly is us unless the same exact people who don't want to talk to us tell us why... and see if what they say means that it's us or not. Just because they have a reason doesn't mean that it's us or that something is actually wrong. So... nobody knows currently.
  4. @Hermitic I'm sort of tired, so this response won't be long, it'll just be more straightforward/shorter. I decided to go in depth. Perhaps, in those cases. I'll say fantasizing, then. It can be healthy in the right light, but I don't see it as healthy in this particular situation. It's like just like porn... it's nice while in the moment until you realize it's not real and you're alone. Nothing beneficial comes from it. What happened during those attempts? was it your doing? theirs? I feel the ultimatum would be that we have to do it ourselves. Sitting around, waiting for that special someone who we might not find, won't be worth waiting for a year and another year for them to show up. Who knows. And oh, well, I don't care in the sense that it was just my first time, I was simply curious to try it. I didn't form any special bond there or anything to really be mad about it, so I don't really care. Plus, chats make me feel weird because I don't know how to have small talk, it's weird to me. Yeah, I'm weird. That's kind of odd, seeing as counselors are helpful. My counselor was the one to give me a therapy card that my mom likely trashed because addictions weren't her specialty, but she cared about me and saw something in me. Did you dislike your counselor? Our counselor was pretty cool, so, meh, I can't really analyze that like I do other things, that segment of my past doesn't matter to me. There isn't anything to take from it. What did the people say you contacted? I'm fine with looking at it that way, but it wasn't that way. I'm not saying they didn't have lives or anything... but we saw each other every day unless they were too busy breathing to just for one moment show some compassion. It's all gravy, though, It's behind me. I can't just trust anyone, now, so finding people will not be a walk in the park. I'm pretty at ease actually, currently speaking. Well, how would I sound if called myself selfish? the definition of selfless is being concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own. Can I not realize that this term and its definition align with how I am?; and describe myself using this term which defines how I am? I am an introvert, the definition is a shy, reticent person. If I am indeed that, wouldn't I, in essence, be an introvert? Maybe I shouldn't have used "everyone", so excuse that, again, I'm imperfect. I don't think every single person was this way, heaven's no... but the majority was, or at least they pretended to be... I don't see why. I didn't go to some pretentious school, it was daycare/playpen/limbo. And well, according to various teachers and my own experience growing up through school... I was different from my peers and acted older than my age, my interests were of things not common of a kid my age -- theology, science, philosophy -- I was not some average kid who played video games all day and was obsessed with sports. Now you're making me thin think I was suffering some kind of illusion or something, that my past and former self, was not what I thought it to be. Maybe I committed a crime and am repressing it with false a past of myself too. I must really be psych ward bound... so much for progress I suppose... I must be a sociopath. Now I don't even trust my own mind. Well, assuming 97% of all of my classes consisted of depressives (which is surreal)... I believe there needs to be a call to action and some CPS needs to get involved. I'd imagine that out of every 30 students, at least 2 are depressed or going through some sort of mental problem. 10 may have a not-so-perfect life outside of school, but it's not getting in the way of their mental stability severely. The rest are arguably doing okay mentally speaking. There is a difference between a depressed child, someone who is having mental instability and someone who has boyfriend issues and other stupid teenage drama. The ratio in that regard would look like 2:28. The other 28 can work it out by themselves as it isn't anything severe. In my school, we had 7 periods. So, out of my 7 periods, maybe 14 or less of my students could have some form of depression, social anxiety and so forth. I teach over 100 a day, only about 14 really need special attention. They all will get that, and if I am busy, I will get someone else involve so they can get the help they need. But I would not just brush them off like that, they can write me a note. If I'm unable to do much at the moment, I'll talk with someone who can assist them. No one should be a teacher if their #1 priority isn't their students... instead of money. A lot of teachers are just there for the checks and that reflects on the academic and behavioral output of students, I have seen this first hand. I'm just talkative, I can't really help that, it's me, it's how I am, I think a lot (or not), I'm very thoughtful (or not), I like to show someone that they have my undivided attention (or not). I'm desperate for someone whose the same (again, or not). Using your hypothetical scenario, I'd have to know how in the world we began talking. Who made the first move? I make the first move based on the profile, our match percentage, how much you say, etc. If your profile makes you highly inviting. My OKCupid profile (IRL) is highly detailed and thought out. I did something unique, I wrote poetry to explain myself and why I was on there, my flaws, etc. (A guy really liked that too, my profile, he loved my poetry). I explained the music I like, movies, one book -- 1984 by George Orwell, my favorite book of all time -- etc. So, if you made the first move, you should have been able to see that I sound like a vibrant person, someone who is talkative. Plus, I also deliberately state this. If you're implying I made the first move (I assume you are)... nope, nooo way Jose, unless your profile was highly deceiving in which you made it seem like you were a very outgoing/inviting/interesting person that had a match of at least 80%. You had to sound quite bubbly and/or cool for me to message you. Your profile would have to say to me: "Come to me! talk to me! If you liked what you read, talk! If you're not a perv, you're welcome!". If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. But I'd wonder... seeing as most females mostly get random messages of guys who just want to hook up, have sex, talk about sex, and have no interest in them or talking about anything worth talking about (this is true) ... I find it odd that you wouldn't want to talk to me. I apologize that I want to know how you're doing and what your passions are and so forth. I understand that must be horrible to want to talk about such... meaningless mess. I'll leave you alone. My point with the sarcasm: I never bombard women with walls of text or try to seep into their 'soul'. The first thing I'd usually ask is how are they doing, and just try to get to know them... honestly, I'm guessing that's too much. I try to be as easy-going as I naturally can. If they ask me a question, I give them a thought-out answer. It's not my problem if they don't want to engage in an actual conversation. Why should I be put to blame for what they do not want? I mean, once I realize they don't have much to talk about, I just leave them be. But that's highly illogical to not want to talk with me, assuming that she's looking for a decent conversation, someone who can give her discussion. Even if she was shy or something, I'm okay with that and would work with her. I'm friendly ... or not. You really have me thinking I'm not what I think I am (>_<). I have no idea how to talk about myself, my feelings and etc., if I can't trust my own thoughts/memories/feelings. (I seemingly trust your judgment, so I listened to you) You'd say I was self-centered. I'm not asking you your boob size or if you want to hook up. I'm not harassing you, I'm proposing an informal conversation with you. At least I'm not some perverted jerk. But on that note outside of the scenario. I'm perplexed as to why you called me that. I took the Egoism test at Psychology Today and I scored 80 out of 100. It says: " Your score on the Helpfulness scale was quite high. You tend to bend over backwards and really go out of your way to help others, and in many cases, will do so without even being asked. As you probably know, offering your support and being there when needed doesn't just benefit the people around you but yourself as well. Chances are that when you're in need of a shoulder to lean on, you'll have someone to turn to. The best part about helping others isn't only that warm, fuzzy feeling it provokes, but its potentially "infectious" nature as well. That one person you help may do the same for someone else, and so on! " Do I really sound that bad? if so, please point these things out so I may work on them, please. I don't want to be self-centered or come off as self-centered :/. More book suggestions, how fruitful of you, thank you. You better not reject me Hermitic, I stayed up till 1:55 to write this and really soak in everything. The last thing I need is someone else leaving me in the dust after I've opened up to them. Then again, I wonder if I'm used to it now or not. I rather not have to end up saying I'm used to it.
  5. @Hermitic Perhaps, but you're not giving bad advice so you're okay in my book. You just can't see what others see, something is preventing/blocking that. I was into Theravada Buddhism I believe. Hinduism has also been of interest. The daydreaming to me is a waste of time, only aids the misery. You should, no worrying about ex-boyfriends, no worrying about arguments, cheating, and all of that baggage, you're free of that at least. I take it you haven't met any good folks at college? You should not look for a relationship until you are completely fine and rid of this disease. Right now, I may sound grumpy and hateful -- reasonably -- but if I were to get better with everything you bet your a** I'll get out there and try again. But now? it's the stupidest idea one could make, or maybe it isn't... I don't know. Whoever finds someone who is perfectly fine with their life, not knowing them beforehand, getting into a relationship knowing all of the baggage they have and helping them get better? They must really like you and see beneath all of the darkness, most would not put up with all of this. I won't tell you not to try, though. If your rationale says to try, by all means, try... just be careful. I've played portal before, cool game. I like RPG games, Skyrim is my favorite, I deleted al of my mods though because my Linux OS went full-blown ******, I had to transfer my music library to my Windows OS, my mods took up over 100 GB, so I had to delete them (music is more important, plus I have a list of all of my mods so I'm good). Skyrim also kept crashing all of a sudden, I think because of my CPU usage spiking. I haven't tried playing vanilla (without mods) to see if it works. I'm getting off topic. Yes, you never know, that is true. Can't really argue that. "If you don't care, then why did you go in the first place?" - What are you referencing to? I have to go to school for any of that, a paralegal is two years of paralegal studies at a community college, to be a police officer I need 2 years of peace officer training at a community college. What charisma? I'm not charming ._. My depression and suicidal thoughts began in late November-early December. I was this close to offing myself, luckily, my ex-best friend/girlfriend was there for me to confine in, she knew everything about me... and still is the only person to have known every single thing about me. I had a porn addiction, one day while eating, she told me that I'll always be a porn addict and compared me to her drug addicted brother. That severely crushed me and made me feel like crap, especially later. I always heard that voice "once a porn addict, always a porn addict" and just indulged because I believed her, that I was worthless and not able to change. I was mad because I went from being okay to borderline deranged and mentally unstable... when she could have been the one to help me. Notice in my last message I began saying that my moods were changing, my trust level decreased, those were the tell-tell signs of my 'mental transformation'... it could have been prevented. My messages foreshadowed the coming future, I literally reached out. She was the only adult I trusted talking to... now I'm better off in the psych ward. If I had offed myself, no one could say "Well, he never told anyone", I told over a dozen people my problems I sure wasn't quiet about it. But I'm not going out like that... I hope. Also, she never checked on me, asked how I was doing, not even my girlfriend did, none of my friends, they all just acted like I never had jack wrong with me! (not "yelling" at you, just... emotional) It's because of that constant neglect I began to neglect myself in the future and no longer care for myself. You can tell I cared about myself then, but after enough people treating me like a transparent object... I saw no reason to care... hope that clears it up for you, as to why I was mad at her (as well as everyone else who were supposed to be there for me) Please do keep in mind I was 18 at the time of those writings. I've grown since then. But even then, perhaps I sounded arrogant... but I never felt important [over anyone], ever... honestly, I felt unimportant. The reason I barely had any friends was literally because everyone around was arrogant, judgemental and materialistic. I had no source for motivation my senior year like the years before then. I was a pretty selfless individual who put everyone before myself. If you could see the people I went to school with... you'd see a stark difference. Hell, I wish I had an inflated ego, I wouldn't be in this mess now probably. It took everyone else higher than me it seems (I don't really wish to have an inflated ego). Well, we were pretty close, I said the things I said because #1 she opened up to me (in person, face-to-face) about her problems she was dealing with (obviously she trusted me) and #2 I saw her as a friend, I treat my friends like I would want to be treated, with respect and care. But, that's too much to give nowadays. Being a cold-hearted jacka** seems to suffice in modern society. Everyone's doing it, I can do it better... but I wish not to for the sake of my mental health, it's not who I am. People are so scared to embrace their fellow brethren/sisters, it disgusts me. You never know when you find someone who actually cares about you as you are (which is so rare!), we just dust them off, though... and wonder why there aren't so many people in the world who are caring as she stated. Like, my gosh... you should have heard the guys in different classes (especially lower classmen), what they'd say to her "hey sexy" and say sexual innuendos all of the time. I never spoke like that toward her, I never saw her as some sexual object. Did I like her? yeah, I was mentally mature and was attracted to older women, nothing I could do about that. But I never made that the focus or tried to be slick or whatever. I guess I was just too much of a caring person. Well, those days are long gone. I'm not [going to send her more messages], I don't want to, I have no reason to. I do not exist to her. She would have made a great friend, though. She once drove me home (missed the bus) and we had such a great, natural conversation that I could never have with girls my age. I don't hate her anymore, hope she's doing well, most likely is.. compared to me anyway. Hm. If I was a teacher (I wanted to be a history teacher once) and my student told me about problems they were having, I'd work with them. Why? they're my student, I want them to succeed in school and in life, they are my responsibility and if something were to happen to them especially if they came to me and I did nothing... I am to blame. If my student was depressed/sad, I'd find time time to talk with them and see what's up, if it can be talked out or not over a period of time -- seeing as some things just need talking to cure it. If it can't be simply talked out and is way deeper than that (actual depression, mental problems), I'll either contact their parents and/or get in touch with an administrator/counselor and let them know that my student is in dire need of help ASAP. I won't let them sit there like that. Because let's just say I didn't pay attention to this student, see the signs, grades slipping, going through addiction... I just brush them off. They off themselves.... I will feel the guilt for their fate. It was in my hands, they relied on me when they had no one else... and I let them down. There is no excuse there, they'll just have to fire me then if I can't help a student in need... I'm not having sex with them, I'm trying to make sure they get on the right path. It's BS because I had a friend (that rejected me) who was diagnosed with depression and was a cutter, had blackouts, etc. One of the history teachers always had sessions with her after school and with our AP teacher in his anime club after school. If a teacher tells a student they can't help them... it's not because of policy, it's because they don't want to. Even if they don't have time, the humane thing to do would be to get someone else involved. Or maybe I'm the inhumane one. That's true, we don't accept the compliments because we feel worthless, we have no confidence to see these things the way others do... because our minds are clouded, tangled and wrapped around so much crap. You should note that down, I'm glad it helped, that's good! How do you feel now with that revelation? and don't bother, I'm not offended, I understand what you say and am fine with criticism, it's life, we aren't perfect. You're the only person I've opened up to this much since my ex-best friend/girlfriend. I like talking with you, you're cool. I hope so too. I know one thing, it feels good to actually talk.
  6. @Hermitic I want to show you the e-mails between me and my former physics teacher before my depression kicked in. I had some feelings for her inside, but I thought I could count on her, she let me down. I haven't read these in a long time. I had pondered messaging her a few months ago.. but felt like why would she care. On Thu, Sep 4, 2014 at 12:00 AM Me: Hey Ms. T******, I wanted to know if I could talk to you about something, it's important and really "bugging" me, and I just need someone to talk to about it. Its dealing with what I told you last week about those symptoms I felt I was having. It's more to it that'll further allow you to understand me and how I may be. I just felt that you're someone I could talk to, hopefully I'm right and we can talk. Date: Thu, 18 Sep 2014 11:51:03 -0400 Her: Richard feel free to talk to me anytime. Sorry I didn't get your email sooner! On Thu, Sep 18, 2014 at 8:18 PM Me: It happens, It happens. I would've been replied but I'm beginning my training for the marines once I graduate and that extends to some hours. But I don't even know how to start it off, I think I'll rather get the basis of it out in person during lunch tomorrow if possible? It's not like I enjoy eating that crap anyway so If you're not actually busy during lunch that'll be nice. Date: Thu, 18 Sep 2014 21:18:00 -0400 Her: Yes that is fine, we can talk during lunch. I'm not usually busy because 20 minutes is barely enough time for me to even eat. And just a reminder the lab write up is due tomorrow. I posted a document on Edmodo that should help with creating the graphs. Me: Alright, and 20 minutes? what do you be trying to eat, a cow? And I know, doing all that now, I know how to do the graphs, the 1st level of my pathway dealt with using all of Microsoft Office so I'm pretty keen with that. But for some reason my Windows 8 didn't come with Office pre-installed fully so I'm just going to use Open Office instead. You should tell your other science students about it if they don't have a full version of MS Office, because it's free, open source, and practically identical to MS Office. Me: I forgot to say thank you for giving me your time today and all. If it's not too much to ask, could we do that more often? you're good company. On Oct 10, 2014, at 12:16 PM Her: Dear Richard, I realize addiction is a struggle for you. But you cannot let it affect your entire life. You are very smart and capable of doing your work and graduating and getting out of here! There is so much that I wish I could help you with but as your teacher I am legally not allowed nor would it be professional. I know you have sought help and I encourage you to continue to seek help. You are not alone unless you seclude yourself. Speak up and be heard, talk to your family I am sure they are willing to help you. I strongly encourage you to try everyday when you come to school. Think about your school work and allow that to help you keep your mind off of the things that bother you! It is what I do everyday when I am stressing about something, I go occupy my time elsewhere that way I am not wasting valuable time stressing over things I cannot fix or change! I am here to help you graduate! I do not want to see you fail because you are not stupid by any means! You are very bright and you are educated; I can see that in the way you speak and the way you write. It is not too late to start trying to fix your grades. Yes report cards are coming out but we are only a quarter of the way through the year, you still have time to turn your grades around! Some messages got lost because I deleted her messages out of madness, but not my replies which kept most of what she said in 2014. This following message was in a reply to her having a lot of stress and etc. She opened up to me while we were eating one day. Me: Okay, so I have an idea or two for the time being: Try to look at all of this crap as something to help you be stronger, that going through all this could very well pay off, sometimes you have to start of in a crappy position in order to reach a higher point. That's how it Is with me and music, I don't have any music connections, I don't know artists to reach out to whenever I please, but if I stay consistent and continue make music, one day it'll come and I'll be in a better position. And talk to someone that you know will be there, that'll listen to you when just wanna blow off some steam, like me for example. And maybe I could stay after school with you and help you with your tasks, take some of the load off for you. Date: Mon, 13 Oct 2014 18:22:26 -0400 Her: Well Richard thank you for the support! And it is nice of you to offer to help... but I cannot accept it. If you would like to stay one day and help me file some papers that would help. But filing papers is the last thing I am worried about at the moment! And I do have a lot of support from the other science teachers and my family and my friends and I appreciate it greatly! Me: It's nothing, I'll say these last things and be out your way. I'm a humanatarian, I happen to care about people and I don't know...I just used to always think there was something special about my mind. The way I think, it felt as if my one purpose was to inspire others, help, because I just know things that many others don't as If I've lived a thousand years and seen it all, but I'm just In a young body sort of like a vampire. As far back as I can remember, that's what distinguished me from the rest, teachers would notice and mention it, It's like I was enlightened for no reason, and with no effort invovled, it was just natural. Ever since I've recorded theories, ideas about how we people are, what we need, want, cherish, etc. I did those things so I can learn to understand the mind of the average human, it took years of observing, studying and just piecing things together because that's what our minds are...puzzles. And I taught myself to recognize the pieces accurately. Madness, stress...I declared those as diseases, because it alters how we think and behave, it distorts our reality so to speak. And if a disease can be developed or given, a disease can be taken away, cured. That can have an obvious argument, take HIV for example;but just because a solution has yet to be discovered does not not mean one does not exist. Call me optimisitic if you will but I cease to believe a problem can not be solved, it just requires the right solver. I saw that disease, stress, inside of you and it can eat an individual alive like acid. I simply didn't want to see that happen, not to you or anybody else. I can't walk by a person bleeding out on the road, nor could I ignore the fact that someone is not in the best state of mind;I don't get a shiny medal for this, a dear reward of any sort, but it does give me a piece of mind. I broke break my own rule, which was offering help. My idea is that It's rude to assume someone want's you in their business, that one should be asked for input, not just willingly do as so pleases. If you are truly in need of havinga helping hand with filing papers, I'll gladly volunteer. I apologize, it was wrong of me to go forth in attempting to help without your actual consent. I'm positive you will have have a greater future, you are a prominant member of society, and you are recognized as so, do not forget that, because that's all you need to remember. When you remember that? all of these things will be put behind you, the least you could accept though, is what I just said. Because that is not me helping you, that's me giving you a simple truth. Take it with a grain of salt if you will, I encourage it, that's all. Tuesday, October 21, 2014, 7:23 PM -0400 Her: I agree with you in that stress is a disease and it causes lots of health issues. And your advice is useful and you are very wise and intelligent, you remind me of myself when I was your age, other than I was incredibly strong willed and didn't take others advice too well back then. My recommendations for you though are to follow a path in life that will allow you to help others since it comes so naturally to you and that you pride yourself in your ability to read people. Psychology would be a great field for you to follow. The problem with the world now is that too many people are selfish and do not care about others. People that honestly and truly care about others are few and far between and that is only getting more rare of a quality to find in people. So I encourage you to follow that instinct. If you follow what you are passionate about you will find a career and a life you are truly happy with. I wish all the time how I could go back to your age and do things so differently. But God has put me on this path and I will continue to follow it and see where it leads me. I constantly have to remind myself why certain things did not work out and if those things had worked out I wouldn't be where I am today and I wouldn't know the people I know! I also wouldn't have gotten to meet all of ya'll (my students) had I ended up on another path. I may not see it now, but I know I am making a difference in ya'lls lives and I hope it is for the better. On Thu, Oct 30, 2014 at 12:07 PM Me: Wow, I don't know what to say, so much has been going on in reality and in my mind lately to the point it's hard for me to formulate thoughts. I'm just becoming a match ready to be lit, a ticking time bomb. My trust level has decreased, my mood to work even musically has decreased. I'm seclusion myself far more than I want to. How come you see all of these good things in me within 3 months? You're not the first to assure me that I'm somewhat different intellectually, but now I hardly see myself that way anymore. Right now nothing's coming natural to me, I don't "have it", I wanted to be a psychologist, so it's ironic you picked that career. Usually I would be able to go off the top of my head talking, but I just can't, thank you for that though, you're the only person making a lick of sense to me. I wish I could go back to a younger age and do things differently, everyday I wish I could've, but I know that defies the laws of physics. I mean, time travel is technically possible through something like a very high powered train through an underground tunnel that can travel at least 99% of the speed of light or maybe take a full orbit around a black hole...but that's not the ideal way so to speak and that's traveling to the future not the past. Time warping is just out of the question, but anyways. You are doing good on this path you've been out on, it's a rowdy path, but a good path. And of course, you're a And of course, you're a teacher, it's what you do, make differences, as for as me, I don't know what it is that I "do". I don't know what to say, so much has been going on in reality and in my mind lately to the point it's hard for me to formulate thoughts. I'm just becoming a match ready to be lit, a ticking time bomb. My trust level has decreased, my mood to work even musically has decreased. I'm seclusion myself far more than I want to. That's all that was recovered. I haven't read it. Wow, you just replied, was hoping to send this before you did -- well, read this. I'm about to eat so I'll reply to your response sometime later tonight. Oh and there are many errors, trying to type messages on a a tiny touch screen is not easy, plus autocorrect is a pain. You'll understand it, though.
  7. @Hermitic I'm severely p*****. Did you hear about what happened in Miami? Oh, I wasn't saying you're a sociopath, I meant your apathy, it reminded me of her, but she... well she had more views past that. I've been apathetic before, I definitely had my "I don't care" moments. But if you were to read what she said, it scared me, the way she regarded people. I looked past that (partly because I liked her since 8th grade), even she stopped talking to me. She also moved back to Oregon in march, just when I thought I could hang out with her once I got better. Hmph, it's comical to think about now, everyone hates me. Maybe I should start seeing the humor in everything instead of seeing things as sad. Yes, you have empathy. The ability to have empathy is behind our innate sense of morality. I connect empathy with emotion, that's why I said that. Only emotionless people lack empathy, it's not the other way around. That's normal! My parents watch stupid shows and laugh like crazy when I can't understand what's so funny. Not understanding a person doesn't equate to lacking empathy. For example, I can't understand why people are bigots. Meh, in my past perhaps, they all forget about me or dislike me, or I dislike them. I doubt it highly, I may live my life as a monk, get back into practicing Buddhism. I don't think I could do a relationship, I'm paranoid of being cheated on. There is this woman I follow on instagram though (a YouTuber), she's so beautiful. I sometimes just daydream and pretend I'm with her, having dinner, or at home reading a novel together, or outside walking our cat, eating ice cream, or lying down just talking, joking, being sarcastic. So weird, I know, I guess those fantasies represent what I would like to have in real life some day... but don't see happening. I try not to fantasize as I feel it makes me feel like crap. And I've given marital advice before, logic always wins. You don't have to experience certain things in order to give advice. I think we should learn to embrace being single (so I've heard), cherish the single life. Yeah, you're right, My "alter" has said the same thing before: 'Those who do not talk to you aren't meant to share a conversation with you. It's their loss, not yours, don't fret about it.' The last thing I remember talking about was paganism with someone, and before that everyone was talking about mayonnaise. As a matter of fact, the last thing I said was that Jurassic World's premise was stupid (in which it was). It would be nice if I was told why I was kicked. So I'm just not going back to it, I don't really care anyway. Same here, that's half the reason I decided not to post more besides the whole focus thing. I no longer really feel like talking about my depression and everything revolving around it. Pretty much everything. The remaining 3 paragraphs did it in, but virtually the whole story was something that I felt. If and when I get out of the house, perhaps. I've been thinking about joining law enforcement or paralegal work whenever/if ever I get better. My main interests were always Psychology/Anthropology, Law (anything dealing with it) and IT. I either want to be a paralegal or a police officer (something I dreamed of since I was about 15 after an interesting experience with the authority and an angry old violent lady). This depression, social phobia, etc, it holds all of that back. I don't even feel intelligent enough anymore to go to school. My depression did a number on me senior year, my grades dropped like crazy. I almost didn't graduate, but I found the courage to pull my grades up. I'm pretty sure I butchered my AP test as well, I never knew my score as I couldn't find the card with my code. I don't know how to recover from that.
  8. @Hermitic Yes. I could talk about my relationships started/ended if you wanted, but I don't think that'd be appropriate, I don't want to trigger any bad feelings for you. Ooops :3 I meant apathetic. I had a friend like you, but she was more so... a sociopath, she doesn't experience empathy and sees humans as lower than worms. I think you can experience emotion, though, deep down. Test question: would you steal from someone? if so/not, why? Well, to me, nothing of course, to them, a lot I suppose. Ha! I agree with that sentiment, the girls here however.. yeah... nope. I really should continue my story, I just don't feel up to it -- I like excessive speech, or used to. I liked intelligence, quirkiness. <<< I've never met girls of this type, well, I have, but she rejected me because her mom is racist (yet she is mixed), and she went off to marry some guy. Looks are secondary to me. Attraction, for me, is something out of my hands, it's a magnet, I don't choose who I like. However, it seems like the select/rare few of girls I had the "kahoots" for... were all crap. I've never met a genuine girl of my type who was interested in me (whether romantically or just friendly). I was picky enough as is, girls I like are already rare. I can't find a girl who even likes to talk. Even on here, someone reached out to me, I responded, I wanted to be there for them, but yet again... read, but no reply. It's like gosh, what is it that I say? do people smell garlic through my text? do my words have sundae breath? (reference to Spongebob) what the heck is wrong with me? And then last night, I was kicked from chat, I was literally having a nice time talking to someone and all of a sudden I'm booted. It's crazy because, in school, people always said "why don't you talk?" or mentioned that I'm quiet. If they got to know me (they didn't it, ironically), they'd see I am a bundle of words, thoughts, and expression. No one would pay attention to you more than I could/would. BUT when I do decide to talk, people want me to shut up, don't respond, criticize me for saying more than "wyd", "ok", "yeah lol". I swear... my self-hatred is caused by others. The only thing I still like is music, I have so many books. Plus, it's really hot in the south, I hate the heat and it's difficult to sit and focus. Even now, I have a hard time gathering my thoughts because I get so uncomfortable in the heat... I miss winter (the only one in the world). Yes. It made me cry. Surprised huh? half way through I wanted to stop because I felt the tears building up but decided to continue on. Near the end, I just let it roll down. It really touched me. I actually felt alive during that moment as well, I hold my emotions in, but reading that broke through my defense system.
  9. I'm with you there, I rarely feel like talking to people now. Talking alone is a miserable task for me now, people just pi** me off. When will you be able to get your own place?
  10. @Hermitic I'm just talking from anger. Deep down I'm a hopeless romantic who craves having someone to love. Let's say I'm an animal, I liked going outside. But eventually something bad always happened when I went outside, I was in danger. So I developed a shell for protection (distancing myself from relationships/talking to females less), even then... I suffered damage, my shell began to have dents and cracks. So now, I'm just reasonably afraid to go outside because it seems unfit for me. Do I wish to have the ability to go outside? yes, but do I want to? no -- don't know how -- the outside doesn't seem to want me there. I have no idea what love looks like, every time I interacted with "love" it was a masked veil. Every single time I see it's a fake, it makes things worse, I grow more tired, the last thing I want to do is purposely chase love. I never chased it, all of my relationships, all of the girls I had mass feelings for... it all just happened naturally without human interference. Now I only could imagine the outcomes if I purposely go looking for love myself... like searching for hay in a needlestack (yes, I switched it on purpose). And HWV is humans with vaginas, c'mon you gotta keep up! Do you still have empathetic tendencies? And no, most women have higher expectations of men than do men of women. I can't relate to them at all and it just feels weird. I don't want to ruin someone else's day with me being depressed when they can be talking to some hot guy who has everything but a brain. I have nothing to offer, I thought I did, turns out most don't even like talking (I have seriously been ridiculed for liking to talk... and being quiet in school... seriously) I've been shown this plenty of times. Thanks for the recommendation. I haven't read any books in a while, I don't know why. I used to like reading.
  11. Hello Jennifer, I'm in a crappy mood but I don't feel like being quiet, so I won't have much to say/add, but it'll be something... I hope. I'm 20 and am pretty much in the same boat... paddle glued to the floor -- I know the feeling. Instead of agoraphobia, I have anthropophobia (fear of people... yikes I know, sucks). So in a way, I can relate to you there, though I don't know the details of agoraphobia. Would you mind sharing in detail what it is? I can't give much advice there seeing as I'm not your age to have the experience. I used to be pretty wise (old soul), I think I've grown too old (mentally) to even be wise now, I'm just too tired to think. I'd say your life wasn't a waste, though. You have a son who is chasing his dreams in college. I'd say you did something right, wouldn't you? You deserve a medal in all honesty. The past... it's never a good idea to stay too long in the past or it will consume you. I've experienced regret, but you have to learn to be at peace with the fact that what happened, happened and you can't change the past. The only thing you can change with the right effort and help is the future. I think the problem we all face is finding the physical outlet for growth. Compared to you, I'm a kid (are you sure you're 42? you look 24 ) so I feel I can't say much to help your situation (I also don't really know how to talk to women/ladies whichever you prefer -- ugh I sound stupid -- I never know the right things to say and it gets awkward as you can see). It sounds like to me you already have the passion for moving forward, you've applied for a college as well (online or campus?), so that alone is something to look forward to if you're serious which I strongly feel that you are. But in the meantime, I think getting to know you more beyond all of the depression and so forth would help get things into perspective. Do you have any hobbies or talents? You mentioned that you want to be productive, what interests you? what do you think about? excluding anything that has nothing to do with interests specifically.
  12. It isn't all that. I'll provide a little story. I lost mines (surprisingly) earlier than 18 (with a girlfriend). This girlfriend of mines, I loved her a lot. That experience defined what sex was supposed to be but isn't anymore (I'll go into that further below). We broke up in the summer because I suspected her of cheating (You know exactly who I'm talking about, the girl that Jacob hooked me up with). The following year, I confronted her about her having sex with him after we broke up, in which she claimed was "the past" and that she was thinking about me while doing it... Me.... like a typical hopeless romantic, I decided to take her back... after all, I did love her before. Guess what? all she wanted to do was have sex, we never did anything else, and it got to the point I was sick of it. I felt like a toy, like I was being used so I left her. Ever since then, I have a very ill feeling towards sex in general. That also happened again with my last girlfriend after graduating school... I was always trying to please her, but she never did the same in return, I did my best to make that relationship work. On the sexual side, I was the only person showing any affection, I felt used again and that brought back somewhat of a trauma for me. I noticed how unhappy I was while showing the ultimate affection for another person who seemed to not have that same affection. I don't like sex or care for it. I plan to be celibate as if I'd ever find someone interested in having sex in the first place. Sex to me used to be an act of love... now I see it as an act of pure nothingness, manipulation. You aren't missing out on anything, you're better off without that baggage. I've become asexual in that aspect. It could change one day maybe, I'm not anticipating it, though, or care if it does. Please don't go out having sex for no reason, you're a smart guy, you know that isn't such a bright plan. Seeing as we're in the same boat, I have no experienced advice to give. What's your type? I was picky as well, I liked intellectuals, quirky types, open minded. On OKCupid, are there females in your area with a high match? And I think society has made sex a dull, unemotional, dark phenomenon. We live in the age of pornography, everyone is obsessed with sex, it's a trophy. In all media, I see sex sex sex and I am so sick of it. I didn't want to date a non-virgin because I felt she'd expect too much from me. Because in society, men have to be this and that in order to be right, but females ... as long as they're pretty. My sexual trauma actually led to me having a prolonged porn addiction because I had nothing. I've quit, finally and luckily. but sex... it's just disgusting to me. I see nothing positive about it. Society has been ruined what sex used to be. And now, everyone is influenced by society. It's a lose/lose situation. F*** sex. Sorry for the rant.
  13. Please, don't do that, for your own good... you'd only get worse, trust me on that. You don't want to have anthropophobia like I do..... it is the worst. I want to be around people but am afraid of people. Try walking, going to a library? those seem like nice subtle ways to be 'within the world' without being bothered still.
  14. This just made me cry... I can relate so much to this.
  15. Hey @Hermitic, My apologies for the late reply. I've been taking time to myself, listening to a lot of music and being on Disqus lately. "No, not one person (male or female) ever earnestly complimented me ... You are accepting the arbitrary gender roles of society (specifically, you seem to think that men should often successfully woo women)." -:/ I never realized that until you pointed that out. I think I have.. or had a great personality. I can talk about anything, I'm talkative, I'm understanding, I'm "deep", light-hearted, truthful, laid back.. or maybe I'm not. Being myself never seemed to get me anywhere, especially in the women's department. I never really tried being someone I'm not. I did value my appearance, but not to a superficial level. Most of my high school life I had insecurity, but I always did my best to look past that. Do I like being told I'm handsome, yeah, when I was younger I got it all the time from girls to grown women. But when I got older, I felt like the ugliest person in the world, nothing convinced me differently. My personality virtually didn't matter to anyone else. The people who knew me would tell you how cool I am most likely. But the minute I try to put myself out there... it never goes right. Now, I guess I don't care about that anymore. I think I'm MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) now. I see wanting to be in and having a relationship with women to be a stressful and stupid thing that just is not worth it. So, my parents are just going to have to wish for my sister to give them grandkids. I d*mn sure am not interested in finding anyone anymore. 99% chance I'll be heartbroken or tricked again and again. "I found this mental exercise interesting. Don't imagine yourself as male or female. Think of all the ways males and females are the same ... If you only find a female's love legitimate, you are restricting yourself to half of the people who might have affection for you. Not every relationship needs to be sexual. Asexual people have no sex drives, yet they feel love like anyone else." - That's kind of long to say lol, is there no shortened version? XD I see what you're saying, though. I'm realizing how much I started to dislike HWV's because of my unfortunate experiences. I don't like feeling this way, but I also don't like feeling the way that made me feel this way. It sort of feels like it's a prime factor in my depression, thinking about how badly it has affected me and my feelings. I guess I should ask Jay-Z how to handle it, he had 99 problems but... an HWV wasn't one (lame attempt at a joke, hurr hurr, I know). I can recall hearing this theory, I never really looked into it. A fun fact I guess is that in technical terms, I'm pansexual but with a preference for HWV's. I have liked guys before, not that often, but I've had some crushes, nothing serious, except one. On OKCupid, there was this guy in California, I was massively attracted to him (as I would be to a female I was attracted to... which is in itself rare and strong) and our compatibility was in the 90s I believe or mid 80s. It took me a few days to message him... but when I did, I had 'butterflies'. I was a nervous wreck because I didn't want to end up going through the same thing with talking to some boring guy. But he assured me that I had nothing to worry about, he had finals to prepare for so we couldn't talk at the moment. Some time later I was having a suicidal episode and I logged out of OKCupid, I never logged back in. Apart from the whole thing about guys having more interest in me, I also felt like I would have been a burdern. I've never been in a relationship with a guy before, I also backed out because I wasn't sure if this was what I wanted or if it was a result of all of my female problems. The one thing I didn't want to do is pretend and hurt someone else. I can be attracted to some guys, but I sort of feel like I can't have that same... 'energy', that same 'connection' with a male as I can with a female. Their nature, their bodies, their scent, being with a female for me is like... having a spiritual connection. I just don't know. I never considered guys seriously until after all of this other crap. I began questioning my sexuality in summer 2014 when I saw a guy on tumblr who I thought was a girl and was really cute. Once I realized he was a guy, I lost it for a bit. After months of figuring things out, I was okay... and I daydreamed about him all the time. I was showing him to my ex-bestfriend/girlfriend (that will be an interesting story). He was pretty much the first guy who I had a major crush on -- I had bisexual tendencies when I was younger though, just for note -- and well, that went to crap when I actually tried talking to him on twitter. I even wanted to write a [gay] romance novel where he was the inspiration for the love interest. Why am I talking about this... this is embarrassing to talk about. I asked him if he still did photography and he said "here and there". I noticed that he made music (woopty doo ) so I asked him about it... and again, never got a reply. FFS if I had 100 dollars for every time that happened! This has to be boring you, I'm going to stop it there. I'd end up writing a 10-page essay. Summary: I have liked guys, but I don't know if it' something I would actually like in real life. Seeing as me strongly considering guys and just forgetting about females seems to be a result of all of my girl problems. All of this relationship stuff is just too much for me. I rather be aromantic. "I imagine I started talking to myself so early due to the bullies and my parents. I'm no psychologist, but I don't think you can have a split personality ... I have yet to achieve this, but I recognize that I should love me for me. If I don't love me, how could anyone else?" - You were bullied? :-\ and yeah, I hardly know what love is. It's become some fictional phenomenon that I believe, obviously does not exist. If it does... I don't know where to find it. Love itself, I imagine dislikes me. "There could be a huge number of reasons as to why they stopped responding. It might be that they had a sudden realization that they were leaving their comfort zones and were too scared to continue ... If you stop trying, you cannot succeed. I've spent too long wallowing in depression." - I saw plenty of women on OKCupid who seemed like my type, but now I became way too scared to message them in fear of being downright rejected or finding a boring person. That's when I just shut off showing women and tried exploring my other lesser acknowledge attraction. It didn't really make anything better. Compared to how I was when I was younger, I'm just not that confident in talking to others anymore. On here, sure. But on those dating sites? ... I just feel so uncomfortable. Why would anyone want to talk to a depressed, unemployed, not in college-guy? That's an automatic turn off, the cards don't even seem to be in my favor... at all. "I don't recommend popping your wrists. My childhood doctor told me that increases the likelihood of arthritis." - I've stopped doing it. I guess music will have to suffice.
  16. Tired of being selfless now. What good is it anyway?hasn't seemed to work out in my favor yet. I think I'm better off adopting a selfish lifestyle. 

  17. Yes, I can say that you are speaking the words I feel right now. A discussion I'm having on my journal post really has me enraged and full backed up tears. I just want to cry but it won't come out. I've been popping myself now, but I can't get it out of my head, it's too strong, I need to cry, but I can't. The truth, which I face every other day when I become triggered, is there is only 2 choices one can make: Kiss Death/Flirt with Destruction (which can lead to kissing Death or something else unwanted) or cope with the hope that things get better. I'm too much of a coward to Kiss Death, but I am so tired... so tired, I just want to be released, I feel like ropes are tied around my heart and squeezing it. I imagine this is how you feel. I'm 20, graduated high school last year. Almost went to the military, but due to my telephone phobia, I didn't even want to call my reruiter tell him everything was in the clear. I almost filled out an application for community college (psychology), but something came over me and this dark spirit seeped back into my soul and took over me. All of my fake friends are off in college, living their lives, and I am at home, feeling dead inside my mind, trapped, screaming. I am also alone, even though I share this home with 3 people, I feel like a ghost that can only be seen by my little sister... who sadly cannot understand or help me, though I have told her how I felt. I suffer from social phobia, social anxiety, anthropophobia, telephone phobia and possibly a split personality disorder. My parents, they care about what everyone else thinks like my nosy neighbor who knows I haven't left home... instead of caring about their son, when they're half the reason I am the way I am due to neglecting me. I understand you. I want you to do something. It may sound silly, but, that hardly matters at this point where we're at. Hold my hand, yes, hold it, mentally. You see my words, therefore, you should be able to feel me through the words in which you read (You may not see text the way I do. I see text as a very intimate way of communication and can feel the person through the words. I may be describing linguistics perhaps). Feel me, feel my words. Hold my hand (stick with me), I'm going to make a promise/tenant that I want us to follow, repeat after me: I promise to stick by your side, no matter what you may feel, no matter what you may hide. The only thing that matters is that we cherish the life we have because we'd achieve nothing if we die. There will be hard times, there will be a lot of pain. But as long as you are alive, I have a reason to remain sane. We will check on each other every day or every week. So we can be each other's strength when one of us is weak. We will fight our pain side by side. So that we may eventually heal... and everything... will be alright. Do not let me down. I will not let you down. Let's battle this, together.
  18. Okay, I'll make sure to read it. Thank you, I re-read it, I thought it was way worst for some reason. I was writing in an emotional manner -- so I thought that it wasn't formatted too good. Writing is my fortay, I've also been rigorously trained in it from my AP teacher, so it pays off *chuckles*. I'm going to use my "debate style" response method. I tend to get sort of lost when responding to a lot of what has been said. So I like quoting. It's more... neater for me. " That repulsiveness in 12th grade came from depression. I call it the stench of depression. It seems everyone but depressives can smell it, and it is an extremely effective repellant. " - That's an interesting theory. I don't think I wrote about it yet in my 1st draft, but people [adults mainly, teachers, staff, etc] could definitely sense something wrong with me. My facial expressions were tell-tell signs, but I'd always act like I was fine. I'm definitely going to touch on that in the coming chapters. I still have a few fresh memories to pull from. But back to the topic, I would have thought my depression was fairly mild in those situations. I really can't remember specifically how I felt at those moments. I for sure know how I felt afterward. " No girl ever even implied that I was attractive (except for one, but she was in a poor mental state at the time and rescinded the comment later). " - Ouch, ever? (seeing as not counting her makes sense) in any grade level? What's interesting is, even though I received compliments before high school and had perfect confidence... high school overshadowed everything else. So, that story about April for instance, that practically defined me from top to bottom, it didn't matter about how I was perceived in the past. Have you ever got compliments on your clothing/style? I got compliments on that [twice] more than my looks (which was never), that seriously p***ed me off. It was like, okay, I look nice today... great, whatever, but what about me, do I look handsome? Every friggin' morning, I made sure my face was glowing, that my hair was groomed PERFECTLY (I spent more time in the mirror than a girl), that my facial hair was in tip top shape and that I looked like a true gentleman. And what did I get? nothing... just nothing. They say "oh, just talk to them, they like confidence, they won't come to you" and I tried that too! more than 3 times! -- I'm getting heated thinking about it, I'll move on from this before I explode. " I was an introvert throughout childhood, and I also talk to myself like you did, although mine began in elementary school. " - That's pretty early, any idea why? I still talk to myself, by the way. Every single minute, it's funny how I used to think that I was crazy (I might be, who knows), but this figurative entity in my head pretty much helped me through everything, was my company, my listener. And I know to the average joe will think I sound like a coo-coo person, but, they'll never get it. I was wondering, though, would that be DID (dissociative identity disorder) or SPD (split personality disorder)? If my knowledge is correct, DID is only possible when you create a separate entity and you fully act as that entity, making the normal you unaware of the switch. So it can't be that. We co-exist in the same mind and I am completely aware and am not taken over by them. But what about split personality disorder? is that actually what that is? Because I can't just stop doing it, that's why. It's a literal separate personality in my head. " I was always perplexed as to why people insisted on meeting in person. Writing was so much more effective. " - I am so with you on that. Usually, before the origin period even occurred, I was virtually fine with in-person talking or writing, still hated phones, I always hated phones for at least half of my life (I have telephone phobia... I am so screwed, all of these phobias I have). " I'm afraid I can't relate to your former love of being around people, but I would guess that your social group was not suitable for you. You can't choose who goes to your school or where you're born, and the society in which you find yourself might not be populated by people who suit you. " - I wouldn't necessarily say "love". I more or less didn't mind or wasn't bothered with being around people when I was younger, that's how I'd put it. The only time I probably would have disliked it is if no one was talking about anything and it'd just be completely awkward. But very true, I feel like the very high school I went to made things worst. I didn't talk about it in my rough draft (I'm not sure if it matters... well, it probably does) but my school sucked. Most of the teachers sucked, there was really no feeling of true educational, enlightening environment. This further made me depressed. Not being around like minded people (nerds, philosophical people, thinkers, etc) really did it in. The only people I could relate to ironically were my teachers. " I recommend trying to find friends via the internet (OKCupid.com is especially good; you can filter by responses to thousands of questions to find people who think and feel like you). " - Been there, done that, hate it. I am totally sick and tired of these kinds of sites. I'll explain OKCupid shortly. I started using it to (as always as I have been for some time now) find a girl that I like, who I can talk to. That never happened. So, I did something different and decided to just use it for anyone. You wanna know who sent me a message saying that I have nice eyes? a guy. Wanna know who sent me a message explaining that they loved my profile? a guy. Who actually had things to talk about, showed interest in me? (2) guys, not girls. This.... this really made things just .... *sighs* I didn't mind talking to them because they were cool, but every time, it struck me that that guys seem to have the qualities I want in a girl and that made me even more sad. I couldn't talk to them, because it just made everything worst. I could talk about a woman (22) who I started talking to in may that I met through youtube on a debate. We messaged each other through hangouts. She was so cool, she was everything, she liked cats, owls, bats (all things that I like), an overall animal lover, she was passionate about many things and talkative. A former coworker she knew died (********) and I was there to show support. I even checked the news site in her city frequently to see if there were any updates. And she was gorgeous (I told her eventually, which I feel was the wrong idea). One night, I was showing her the last set of drawings that I did before I stopped and we were also talking about music. She told me that she was picking out clothes for some rock fest for the weekend. She was only going because the band ... um -- Disturbed! yeah, Disturbed -- they were performing some well known cover song that was off their latest album. I never heard of them ironically and told her I'd listen to them because she said she didn't really like them, just that song. Guess what happened... no reply. A day passed, no reply, I messaged her saying "Hope you're okay" because I know that she was still mourning over the death of her former coworker. Another day went by, then a week, another week, and now 4 weeks. She hasn't read my messages or been in hangouts (it actually shows the last time you're active). But she was still on youtube liking videos... but not talking to me. When you take things like guys on OKCupid seeming to actually have an interest in talking to me... then look all of the other things I wrote about... then look at this.... I really began hating myself. I used Plenty of Fish as well, one girl sent me a message saying "Hi". She didn't really talk about anything... she was a young teacher. I really tried keeping the conversation going even though she was boring, because I figured maybe it'll take time. I asked her one day about the curriculum for 4th graders because my sister's teacher didn't teach them how to write essay's when they're supposed to. Know what happened? bingo... no reply. I find myself now asking why don't girls like me? I try to be myself, I am myself, I'm chaming, I'm different, I show interest past their looks and actually care about who they are, I am all these things... yet none of them like me. I can tell a girl she's gogeous, and within days she vanishes... But a ******* guy can tell me I have beautful eyes. I hate myself... I hate people... (I don't mean that, I'm letting my emotions pour, that's all)... I hate everything. I need to pop my wrist now.
  19. :( I feel your pain, my fellow kin. At the moment, I'm in my silent mood and no longer feel too talkative (mentally tired). But you are not alone in this dark world, I assure you of this. I know how it feels to seem invisible to everyone around you. To feel that no one loves you. To feel that your physical body is holding you captive, that you just want to be peacefully removed from the material world and rest your 'soul'. Do not let death or destruction speak to you, I know they are tempting. Death speaks to your heart and knows how you feel and what you want, what you need. Destruction too knows this. But what they both don't know is that embracing them is never the best plan, because the future is not fixed, time is without restriction or control. Kissing Death or taking Destructions hand will only end the possibility of change in your life. You are a beautiful spectacle in this world that has a purpose and only one... to live. To die, is not to live, in order to die... one must first be able to live in order to experience the true fruits of the process we call life. I want to give you a song that has really touched me and kept my sanity at a solid ground level. There is a double meaning behind it, I'll leave it up to you to read on it's meaning. I may or may not do anything, but it's worth a shot. Find a silent place, turn it on, close your eyes, meditate to what is being said. Let it speak to your inner core. I listen to it everyday, all day. I've had an addiction (I haven't talked about that yet here) for the past 2 years that was ignited by my loneliness and lack of love in my life. This song changed everything, this song made me stop and never turn back, look ahead and see myself as better than that, as worthy of happiness. I just need to find that door now is all. It may take a while, but I know one thing... Death and Destruction can't and will not have me. You take care, please. Vibrate higher.
  20. Hermitic, Have you spoken about your story on here yet? I agree, me being an introvert, I do appreciate alone time. But that doesn't mean I like being lonely, it's two different things. Isolation forces you into this behavior to the point you feel like this is just... how you are, in a way. I can PM you a rough copy of my first written account of things (which covers more, but not as thorough and precise as I now choose to write) so you can get an understanding of the other things that took place after the origin period. Just today, I actually figured out the name of a disorder that I have, a form of social phobia... the only part that I haven't been able to pinpoint where it came from what triggered it. It was the final nail in the coffin... I think. I won't spoil that, though. Well, you'll know in the rough copy I show you. The others will have to wait for that chapter.
  21. PSA & Heads Up about what you're about to read If you're reading this and there is something special about you that you once were able to do, please share it/write about it in my talent showcase thread. Carrying on with this post. This will be my official journal. I have been working figuring how I'm going to write about my feelings and things because I've talked about it (not what's in this first chapter or most of the future chapters, but some of my feelings) so much with past friends and tried bringing it up so many times. No one cared, so in a way, I sort of became tired of actually talking about it ya know? I can think about it clearly, but talking... I just no longer know how to open up and talk about myself and my feelings. But I will try, I need to. I'll be using my actual "voice" in my text, to bring life to it, which is how I usually write. So, be warned, it's a little unorthodox. I'll be speaking in 2nd person as well as 1st. So it can feel as if I'm speaking directly to you, instead of feeling like you're observing my thoughts. Journal Entry #1 Date: 07/06/16, Time: 16:18 (4:18), Title: The Origins of My Dark Descent Pre-Chapter Commentary So... my official journal. The origins of my depression are something that I actually know. I understand what happened and how it happened. So, I believe that's a great way to start things off, don't you? It may help others start looking into their past to understand how they ended up the way they are. If I just told you what started the whole... catastrophe if you will, you'd probably think it sounds silly. Do you wanna know? my disbandment with a group of best friends I had while in 10th grade. Really... you're depressed because you lost a couple of friends? That's what I imagine most people would say if I said that and only that. It's one of the reasons I wish not to talk about it with people. But I'll explain exactly how it does make sense and hopefully, it works. I wrote a previous paper about this on my birthday, but it was too... rough (due to it being a personal paper), this is more serious and thought out since I'm publicly putting this out there. Just follow along. Things will be broken down into chapters for this important entry. I: Real Friends Never Turn Their Backs On You I had two friends since I was in 8th grade who were like brothers to me, Jacob (who I will refer to as Jake) and Antonio. My whole teenage life revolved around being with them. They were like family to me. Even Jakes sister (who I will refer to as Bree) was like the older sibling that I never had. We did so many things together. I went to my first party with them, we watched stupid horror movies [paranormal activity] together. There were even sad, serious or even frightening times together such as when Bree was pregnant with her boyfriend's child, we were there at the hospital for support. Or when Jake's foster mom would abuse him and treat him like crap. One time, I was in his room and I can't for the life of me remember what happened -- but she began beating on the door *boom boom* "Open this door!" *boom boom* "I know you're in there!" *boom boom* "Open this f****** door!". I hid in the closet (she didn't know I was in there, I'll get to that later). Moments later, in between the sudden silence, she bashed through the door. The ground beneath my feet was shaking as if it were an earthquake. She started beating him severely and I could almost feel the blows... they were so loud and heavy. The only thing you could hear was him whimpering, her heavy breathing, extensive use of profanity and strikes. I was afraid that if I made one sound, she'd open that door and beat me to a pulp. Yes, I was more still than a statue -- that's how still I was. There were all kinds of experiences that were had. I can't count the number of how many there were because there was just that many. These experiences made us closer, it created a tight bond between us. But eventually, Jake changed and he began to dislike for no reason -- which was odd seeing as according to Bree, he always looked up to me since we first met. His mom didn't like me simply because I was older (by 2 years), yet I was the greatest influence he had. But something changed that was out of my hands and he sort of put me in exile. One example I can give is one of my girlfriends who (was a highlight during that time, she was special) I met through him with the intentions [his intentions] of hooking us up. However, he soon resented that, I guess and even told me once "You should let me take her off your hands". One thing led to another and we broke up in the summer before 10th grade. That following year, Antonio had told me that Jake ended up getting involved with her (makes me wonder how he was still friends with him), which enraged me. I skipped ahead a little, but before all of that, Jake and I pretty much stopped talking. While I was still friends with Antonio, we [jake and I] pretended we didn't exist. We could be in the same room and we'd only talk to Antonio as if only he was in the room. When it was just me and Antonio, he'd tell me about what Jake was saying behind my back. I ponder if he was reporting back to him and further creating tension by putting words in my mouth. Even then, I never spoke ill of him. As the 10th-grade year began, we pretty much stopped hanging out. I no longer was friends with either of them, they left me in the dust. Yet I would have never done them the same, or treated them the same. I let them in my house, they ate my food -- we watched some B-movie horror flicks while eating burgers, quite memorable it was -- they were practically my family, including Bree. The following lines are the most important part of this chapter and entry which explains the origins of my depression. Growing up, I was great at making friends. The downside was that those friends always moved away, but there was always someone else that came along for me to hang out with. Jake and Antonio were the last. After disbanding with them, I no longer went outside. I used to be outside/away from home from 12:00 to 19:00 (9:00) at night. Sometimes I didn't hang with them, sometimes I'd take some time to myself to be in nature. I'd write poetry, listen to music or just gather my thought while walking on a dirt road or wandering around in a forest. When we disbanded, all of that stopped. If you haven't guessed it already, I became isolated. I was stuck in the house with no friends and nothing to do. I wasn't used to being in the house 24/7. I no longer wanted to go outside, there was nothing for me. I void of a social life outside of school. I call this the "Origin Period" which is what put everything in motion. To sum this chapter up: My disbandment with my best friends caused me to experience permanent social/environmental isolation. Those were my true friends, my peers at school were just associates, I actually had a life outside of school. But when disbanded, I no longer had a life, I no longer had anyone... but myself. End Chapter Commentary: I will continue to chapter 2 either later tonight or sometime later this week. This isn't easy as it looks to talk about, trust me. I have to gather my thoughts and figure when and how to write about these things; as well as process the past correctly after pretty much wanting to forget about it. There is a lot to cover, there will be (I believe) 5 chapters in total, each covering the different phases of what I collectively call the "Development Period" before the final chapter titled "And Then She Spoke... Death Spoke" which will be about the final formation of my depression at the hand of my other mental disorders coming full circle. Hopefully, this was not too much of a complex/drag read and that it gave you some insight into my own origins of this disease -- and that maybe, you, reader, assuming you don't yet know your own depression origin, will look into your past to figure it out. Um, yeah, I pretty much played my own therapist which will play a large role in everything in the grand scheme of things as you'll see in later chapters. A year ago from now I didn't know any of this, I was just a lost person trying to run away from this dark cloud. It took days and months of trained thought to really awaken myself to what caused it all. Finally, I am sharing it with you. Tes signing out (not literally) , feel free to leave your comments if you wish [please do].
  22. Searchingforasoul, Yeah, that was literally the first time that ever happened, so it scared me a bit. I haven't found a need to do it as much recently. There has been a song I've been listening to that really affected me deeply (check my last.fm scrobble to see what it is) especially after I learned the double meaning behind it which is also something that hits home for me. Popping myself will be a last resort kind of thing. Thank you. I wanted something unique, it fits me perfectly (I'm very picky), I'm the one and only :) I'm quite fond of the old way of naming people such as how the Native Americans named one another, it wasn't generic names like "Bill", "Joe" and "Sally", they were very personal and unique names of substance that were only for that individual. Or maybe I'm just weird, who knows.
  23. I'm glad you think that. I'm on another tab writing post and was just mentioning how I thought this would have been good opportunity to share each other's talents and cool things we can do and have done before our depression -- but unfortunately garnering no submitters. I can't read sheet music, I haven't made it that far, I just played by ear, with what I felt inside. But thanks, I wish I had more to show for, but I was always deleting tracks. I'd love to make something now because I'm having an episode, and need to express myself badly; which is why I'm taking the opportunity to let it out in a future post, though I could do it much better with music. I'm debating if it'll be the post I show my mom. Sometimes, as like now, listening to my music, I can't believe I made it. That I created something that was my own. Yet, I always felt like I wasn't good enough for anything, and it got the best of me. I think my art is crap, to be honest, lol (I'm modest). Art, unlike music, was mainly a hobby, so I never really wanted to take it anywhere seriously... or maybe I did, I truthfully don't know now. I think I hate the past so much (because it's all I can hold on to) that I actually begin to forget a lot of things about myself. I'm far too impatient to draw unless I have a clear motivation, such as the drawing I made for the girl I liked. Drawing went from being a hobby to being something that was used as a distraction or something that just overcame me (in that case, the Rihanna drawing just happened). In my senior year, I used drawing to help cope with my ever growing social phobia which is what a few of the drawings I posted came from... me being in class, about to lose my mind, drawing to keep my composure. I'm not sure if my heart lies with those activities anymore. I've seriously never wanted to draw again anymore. One could definitely say it's the depression that is causing that, of course. I pretty much lost all of my passions and lost all of my aspirations, the depression literally stripped everything from me. I barely know or remember who I am and used to be. You should definitely record your pieces when you could. And actually, I'm quite fine with reading philosophy essays lol as I like philosophy, deep down. I could tell solely by your avatar, I'm the same, the main thing I like doing now is participating in the Religion thread on Disqus, having debates and so forth, it keeps my mind stimulated. You remind me of my middle school friend Miciah, he was the only friend I had that was relatable on that level. Due to him going off to Univ, I stopped talking to him because it further made me feel like a piece of crap. He was there living out his dream while I was stuck, depressed and falling down the rabbit hole. There's more? sheesh! what else is there? You sound like the old me to be honest lol.
  24. Good morning/afternoon/evening my sisters and brethren. I came up with an idea as I woke up this beautiful morning: a talent showcase! PURPOSE: I'm sure there are many of us here who had a talent or more that was sadly overtaken by this disease of the mind we have; something we had a passion for and just loved doing. Many of us probably feel worthless and that we can't do anything. This is to be a positive reminder that you aren't worthless and that you can do something and have done it, you are somebody. So dig in those crates or wherever your talents have been put away and showcase them. RULES: Whatever your talents were, be it poetry, art, music, writing, dance, etc. if you have copies to show (even if you don't, tallk about it descriptively), show them and tell your story behind it. Explain how it began, why was it your passion, what were your plans if any and why did it come to an end. This is your time to shine even in the dark. I'll start it off, of course. Use mines as a template of how you should set yours up. I hope to see others submissions and I'm not the only one. Music My main talent was music. I grew up around music. My dad was a DJ in his time and has a lot of vinyls. I mainly heard old school music soul and stuff, but nonetheless I was hearing different music from another time period. Even though my parents never encouraged me to expand on what I listened to, I naturally got into other genres with time. It could be Curtis Mayfield to Frank Sinatra, Led Zeppelin to Dr. Dre, Bob Dylan to Daft Punk, Beethoven to Metallica and so forth. Music became the center of my life. I started caring about music history in middle school, 8th grade, the peak in my overall confidence and state of happiness (debatable, but I usually regard that era as the best era of my life; 2005-2012 roughly with 2008/09 being the peak of my self confidence). My music teacher would teach us about all different genres of music and the history, classical stood out to me. Years later in 2013, a middle school friend and I somehow decided to start making instrumentals. I sucked lol, I mainly sampled old music and used basic loops to make a beat. As time went on, I became better. I started studying music theory, leaning about structure, chords, keys, sound design, the concept of sound, etc. There was a point where all of that payed off and around late 2014 I started getting better, better than my friend at the time who didn't seem to be as passionate. In between this period, I even hooked up with an amateur rapper across the country on soundcloud and made a tape together. Around 2015 (my senior year in high school) I broke new ground and my skill skyrocketed. By this point I went through over a dozen names and soundcloud pages as well as deleting songs. I had a vision, I wanted to be like Tyler The Creator and have my own collective full of musicians (of all genres and backgrounds), artists, designers, directors, etc. and take the world by storm, be the voice of the youth. Before this I had got a guitar but stopped trying after my family pretty much made me feel like crap when I was practicing. My dad didn't even support my music direction, I bought a beat machine and everything, thinking he'd be happy to see the route I was going. I relied on my friends for support in which they did do very well at, the only thing they did well at. I composed everything myself, day in and day out I'd be making music, letting my feelings guide the process, mixing and mastering, trying to figure out how the tracks should sound, which sounds should be high or low. Where should the instruments be heard from. I was a work horse and cared about my craft. My style was mainly triphop/boom-bap with a soulful touch here and there or at least those were my influences. It took me a while before I found my style. Toward the end, my goal was to make a trademark style of having an eerie/ethereal sound, mysterious, sensual. Something that had an atmosphere of it's own kind. Making music was the one thing that allowed me to express myself for these last few years. But as my depression began, I became bored of it all. The support dropped, I was still a no name, I lost the motivation, I couldn't even compose anything... I no longer cared. I deleted my music program, and deleted all of my projects and music files. The only tracks left over are the last ones I did about a year ago on the last soundcloud I made and another one before it as well as a couple I made from previous years I found that I've uploaded today. So if you would like to hear what is left of my musical past, listen to all the songs in this order from each link below, bottom to top track wise. All of the tracks were completely composed by me from scratch except for the newly found track I titled "unknownorigin". It was 2013, I didn't know how to compose music, so that was a sample that I layered a drum beat over and did some effects to. Oddly, the three newly found tracks resemble my current mental-state which is why I named them accordingly : Feel free to critique me if you want. I surely do miss it. It started out as a hobby just for fun... but turned out be something I fell in love with, everything I made came from the heart. Art This is already long as is, so I won't make a long story about this since it was secondary. I liked drawing since I was a child, every year I got better at my skill. I'd show my parents and they'd say "oooooh we have an artist in the house!" and compliment me, my mom would critique me and I'd go back and try doing better. My classmates always liked my drawings, as I got in high school, though, they were the only ones who seemed to like them. My parents no longer really cared that much about it. I would end up giving my drawings away all the time because people wanted them. But in 2015, like with music, I reached a new height when I met a certain girl named Ashanti that I wish not to talk about yet. I liked her a lot, and because in one conversation I learned we both liked the movie Insidious. So, I went home and looked up a picture of Parker Crane's mom and I drew her. The difference? I drew the hair so realistically like never before and the face. I guess It's because I liked her so much that I really wanted to make that drawing special and do my best on it. It marked a new level for me in art. The last drawing I did was of Rihanna in late 2015. I no longer cared about it anymore because it was so much hard work with nothing coming from it at the end. It's the best drawing I ever did ironically, the last one I ever did. I don't have much to show for, but this is what's left: The first is Parker Cranes' mom. The 5th picture is portrait of one of my teachers that year I had a crush on; and said I'll always be this way and dint help
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