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About fenderbg

  • Birthday 10/03/1997

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  • Gender
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    Eastern Europe
  • Interests
    Music, military history, video games, movies, anime, books, I play the guitar.

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  1. What I'm going to write about is a bit of a sensitive subject, and I want to assure you all that I'm not trying to offend you by delving into it. So... despite knowing I am not right, and that this is not how the world works, I've become (or always have been) extremely suspicious, paranoid and hateful towards other people, probably because I dont understand them. This is valid, perhaps even more, so for people of other nations and cultures.... which is totally ********, but while now I already think like a sane person, my feelings wont let up. Ill usually approach foreigners with extreme suspicion and sometimes with rudeness. What I am asking is, how can I overcome this, if any of you has even the vaguest of ideas.
  2. So, here I am, after almost a year of hiding in the closet, I come out to you as a male bisexual person. This is... pretty disgusting for me, but let me begin from where it all started. So, I've been watching a lot of porn for like a long time... who hasn't. But maybe a year, a year and a half ago, I started imagining MYSELF in the receiveing role whenever watching porn. I started looking for porn videos depending on the man involved, not so much the woman. I found that disturbing. Then it switched back to me preferring females. And again, and again. Some time later I realize I like both men and women. This is huge problem - not because Im religious or anything, but because I dont feel that a man should derive pleasure from fantasizing about being dominated by another man.... which I totally felt. At some point I started feeling extremely jealous of straight men. I just want to be like them, and thats a thing I absolutely cannot achieve as a bisexual person. How to cope with this? Im sure a lot have asked the same question, but I really want to know.
  3. So, A week ago I had another of my acid dumps in my stomach, which hurt like hell and are a direct result of nervousness and worry. My mom noticed that and offered me to see a psychiatrist she knows from her work with medicine. I agreeed, because I've been thinking about that a lot, but I've always been afraid to share. So, I went up to him, cleared out some things for about an hour, then went to work. The day was pretty good, I felt a bit refreshed, and then I found msyelf in mom's car, as she was going back from work and decided to give me a ride. So its all well till I see a crash. One car is Bulgarian (native) the other is german, with turkish people coming out of it. My deeply rooted rage, misanthropy and racism sparks up and I shoot a few line sof foul things I dont even want ot mention. She drives silently for a few more minutes, then she says, with watered eyes, how I've not been like this beofre, that Ive turned into something horrible, that Im full of anger,and it eats me from the inside. The mere sight of her being so worried and sad shocked me and snapped me back to my senses, for the first time in I dont know how long. How to get rid of hatred for people, fear of them, and general rage? Seems not quite on topic... but it brings me depression.
  4. Well, I had my first, very brief relationship... or maybe a prelude to one, I don't know. I started a new job, met a colleague on the first day and we started dating. Very simpe, very unexpected for me. Maybe a week in I noticed I'm lacking. In maturity, strenght. After all, I'm 19, she is 25. A few weeks in, I knew I won't be able to make the cut. I was about to tell her, when her father died. She wanted too much of me, or maybe I could give too little. Either way, I haven't felt too dramatic since then. No crying, no desperate texting. I just moved on. But. Since we broke up, I've noticed I get into hatred sprees once in every 2-3 days, which, oddly enough, somehow turns off my shy self, and I behave like a total ass with people, without being able to stop myself. And I'm talking about serious hatred against everything and everyone, myself, my family, all the people around me. Been catching myself dreaming about chickening this or that person. That's concering.
  5. Thank you for your replies. All I can do is hope, wait, and encourage her in every possible way. I will share this with her to the best of my ability, because there is nothing else we can do.
  6. Update: He rmom is becoming homicidla and the police are dismissing it. Someone, please tell me what to do!
  7. I'm desperate. This is going to end badly and I can't do about it. Around two months ago I got into a relationship with an american girl. I myself am from Bulgaria, so it's the kind of internet relationship. Anyway. Her parents are divorced. I think even before she was born, during her mom's pregnancy. Basically she spent most of her life with her mom, who is abusive, neglecting and frankly bats*** crazy. A few years ago she left her alone in a ****ing airport. This finally got the attention of the law and she now lives with her dad, BUT is still obliged, BY LAW, to stay at her mother's place every wednesday and every other weekend. This is seriously freaking me out, because find myself shaking over her everytime she is with her mom. For example just an hour ago she texted me she got kicked. I have heard her mother dring voice chat, sound slike a bipolar lunatic. I've suggested everything that ever came to my mind, she has tried it all. Hotlines, court. Wrote a letter to a judge, the judge highlighted the areas she liked and concluded my girlfirend is a delinquent and the old hag is a hardworking single mom that's doing everything right. She sent recordings. Photos of her mom threatening her. Nothing. She has to wait for 2 more ****ign years until she is free. And I'm sitting here and there's nothing I can do and that ****ing pi**es me off. What is wrong with your country and legislation, dear americans? What the **** is this?
  8. I guess this goes more in the anxiety category. It is very simple: any kind of verbal communication with anyone is extremely taxing for me. I'm afaraid what they think about me, what to say, how to behave. Most of all, this innate feeling that I'm bothering people by communicating with them. All of this conveys to written communication as well - I am always reluctant to write to people, although I want it really bad. And even if they show no signs of boredom, I am constantly worried they're just being polite and I;m just an annoyance. This may not sound like a big deal, but it makes me feel like I'm wearing a portable prison with me every day. Any help is appreciated.
  9. Thank you for your support for the last 5 months. I feel like I've learned some things about myself in this forum. You all have my warmest feelings. I started this topic because I am feeling great right now. Haven't felt this good in YEARS. Yes, it may be temporary. Yes, it may be just another sign. But for now it's so pleasant to just sit and be calm and at peace. I know it has something to do with your advices. Once again, thank you very much!
  10. My head is a total mess. How can I understand myself? Going to a doctor is out of the question, I am ashamed. This may be avery stupid question, but just HOW
  11. My parents just snapped. Told me I'm worthless and I need to change my lifestyle, that I've shown some hints that I'm depressed - I'm andtisocial and constantly stuck at my pc, constant diarrhea, insomnia and always frowning - and that it's all my fault. At first I was shocked - ''How did they find out?'', then enraged - ''I'm never gonna admit to them" and then the worst part - ''god help me, they may be right''. The really terrifying thing to me here is that I start thinking that all this that's happening to me throughout the last 5 years is my fault. Now that I think about it it's highly possible I've done this to myself. This frightens me to the extreme. It's way easier when you know (or believe) someone else is at fault for your problems. But, Jesus, it's so hard to realise the truth. I am absolutely clueless what to do now, and probably forgot to mention so much important things but any help is appreciated.
  12. My cat and inspiartional videos that show the good side of people.
  13. It's a really nice topic, man. Glad you thought of that question. Although, eh, it'll be difficult to think of a highest point... maybe when I was 18. Second semester. Until then I was extremely bitter and unmovtivated. It was then when I found a purpose. Felt like I was reborn. I started working so hard I didn't previously believe it's possible, I was positive and encouraged. Lowest points: When I failed to fullfill my goal; when grandma died and I couldn't even go to her funeral due to exams; when I went to live alone for a bit; when they bullied me back in mid school and I had nobody to talk to and thought I was the one at fault, still oblivious to the fact that I had depression; when my only friends said they won't speak to me again (happened 2 days ago).
  14. Thing is... I was the one who was wrong as it turns out. Due to my upbringing I had homophobic beliefes. I am afraid they had some right to be angry at me. But I appologised. Sincerely. And I have a desire for change.
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