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Loistarr

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  1. Hi Nissala, I promise you that you are not ever alone. Everybody on here has taken the time to reply because of genuine concern for you. As Womanofthelight states, life is big! Yet every single person born to this world has an effect on it, and shapes life as everybody knows it. I found in my deepest moments (heavily depressed, suicidal, no friends and unemployed) that happiness was in the strangest of places. For example, I can't help but notice that you have Winnie the Pooh quoted on your profile. I found happiness and escape in literature through my depression, and also joined a retirement knitting group (I'm 22 and was the youngest member by about 40 years). Just pushing myself to talk to strangers made things easier, and getting out and about was distracting of the negative thoughts. As for your dogs, perhaps discuss with a local animal shelter your situation and ask if they can perhaps offer advice on how to make it easier? Just hang in there. We are all here, and you are not alone. We may not be friends, but we all have something in common with you - that's why we are here. I'd say that's more important than friendship in situations like this.
  2. Hi Karen, Firstly I want to commend you for the fact that you want to stay with him. It can be so tough to deal with somebody who has depression when they push you away and say hurtful things so the fact that you are there is fantastic. Secondly, I must ask you to please please please try your best to take some 'me-time' and just pamper yourself a bit, or do a hobby that you really enjoy. He needs you at your strongest and it can be so easy to get beaten down by the person with depression unintentionally. I was once in your boyfriend's shoes, although myself and my own boyfriend live a mere 10 minutes from one another so it was easier for him to cope with me. At the time, I was cruel and hurtful, often declaring that I did not love my boyfriend of 5 years and even going as far as telling him to leave me so I like make it easier to give up. I was saying stupid things and being cruel to him without being able to control it. I refused to take medication and ended up leaving my job (as well as barely attending my university lectures). It made it difficult for him to cope and in some ways I wish he had left because it would have spared him seeing what was essentially my ugliest side. Yet, I am so glad he stuck by me. He wasn't giving up on me at all, and it put the ball in my court. This gave me time to really sit down and re-evaluate what I wanted without letting the depression force my hand. Ultimately, I stuck out the relationship and we are now still together and saving for a house, almost a year on. The way in which we survived that was by him sacrificing his own happiness also to let me yo-yo him in a situation of 'love/hate', although I never truly disliked or hated at all. I loved him throughout, and he remained my best friend. We came out the other end stronger and much better for what we overcame - but I reiterate that it was my decision to make, handed to me by my other half. So if you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness and potential sanity, then it would be worth sticking it out and leaving the ball in his court. At least that way, you'll know you tried and it was nothing you did that caused him to leave or stay. I do, however, agree with Ignis that if you do walk away, it is also a valid option. This is such a difficult scenario for you to both be in, for you especially as you have to deal with this feeling of being unloved and unappreciated. I'm sure in his right mind, however, he would never give up on you. Therefore I ask you to perhaps imagine what he would do in that situation. Would be walk away for his own happiness (which there is absolutely nothing wrong with), or would he stick by you and let you call the shots? There is truly no right thing. There is on,y what feels right, and you will feel guilty no matter what - so just try and do what will have the best outcome for both of you, thinking carefully about your own happiness. Stay well, and look after yourself.
  3. Thank you guys for your replies. I'm so glad it's not just in my head, and that third parties are able to see what I thought was not my fault. It feels like most people in my life have no clue of depression or how it affects the actual person. Being called 'selfish' was probably a low point. I could see that perhaps I was selfish around 80% of the time, pitying myself for so long, but the lack of support really astounded me. Now I am recovering and friendless, but honestly I feel like I am coping well with having no friends. Thank you guys.
  4. Hello all, I suppose I needed somewhere to get it all out as my other half has had to deal with my venting for over a year now. I am finally feeling hopeful to be beating my depression, overcoming my demons. This is that positive feeling that just lets me know that the worst stage is over because I am actually seeing some positive in life now - something I have been battling to do for at least a year. In this past (just over a) year, I suffered from the loss of my three grandparents which affected my mental health hugely. I was unaware that I suffered from depression at the time anyway, so this tipped me over the edge. It wasn't until I was bullied by a manager at my part-time job of four years that led to a very public (I worked in a supermarket) nervous breakdown. From this, things just went from bad to worse and I was sent to see a doctor by my worried parents. They diagnosed me with depression which, looking back, made sense. Just three months on from a funeral for both my nan and grandad (I delivered the eulogy which took a lot out of me) my 'friends' fell out with me because on an impromptu night out, I changed my mind and left after a couple of hours. Might I add that I am in a relationship and they are single, and they were out with a view to meet guys. Since we fell out that night (because they went to my other friend and sat there calling me selfish to her among other names, and then she rang me up and told me that they no longer were talking to me) I've barely spoken to them. We had a group of five, and one of my friends was dangerously ill with anorexia. These 'friends' decided to tell me that it was down to me to tell her that we were worried and she needed help. I felt it was not my place as her mum was approaching the subject carefully and I didn't want to intervene and ruin that. One of them them guilt tripped me by stating that I was the difference between her dying and her living. This was really stressful to deal with at the time, and although they did not realise I was depressed at first, I was still stressed from grieving for my family. Fast forward to now, and it has been a year since I fell out with them and I tried to make amends since then. I even explained that I have depression. But none of them have contacted me, not a single one has spoken to me, and they never invite me out. I thought at first I was just looking too much into it, but every day they all have very public conversations by tagging each other of Facebook and talking on that for the world to see. They never include me. After actually being invited for the first time in ages out with them the other day, I came to the realisation that not a single one of them die red conversation at me, asked how I was, or even really acknowledged me. I felt like I was there by accident. They did the same to my friend who is anorexic (well, now recovering) but she was dying so hard to get joined in that it was painful to watch. Nobody should have to battle that much to be included. One of these people has been my friend for about 15 years and I would hate to lose that. But to be honest, she always says she cares yet never contacts, invites me out, or even replies to my texts half the time. Right now, if it wasn't for my family and particularly my other half of five years, I don't think I would have coped mentally. In a way, they helped me to realise that myself and the loneliness can exist side by side and actually almost exist in harmony. Yet I sometimes wonder where it is I went wrong. Has anyone else experienced this? Or has anybody been in my friends' positions? Thanks.
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