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eyesonfire1

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About eyesonfire1

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  1. I started on this forum quite a while back and I am back here again although I guess in a way this is just for me to see where I stand in life. A few years ago I failed out of university multiple times I wasn't in a good state. Could not think straight, what should have taken me three years took 5, technically 6 and I am still not done technically. During this period of university I would constantly think that I failed others, what people might think about me and I couldn't see things properly. It was so weird when I got into this mindset the sun would be shining in me and I couldn't even feel it's warmth, it was like all life had just left me. I was essentially a walking husk of a person just inhabiting this world. Only after a certain period if time had passed and I talked to others I realised my views were skewed. The thing is there was a point where I was able to just lock out the thoughts in my head. I found that if I slept properly, ate properly and focused on my work that I'd get some temporary reprieve. It would be temporary though because at some point I was repressing my feelings and just using studies as crutch to push forward in life. By solely focusing in on my studies I was able to somewhat just mitigate the all encompasing emptiness that I knew I felt. The odd thing too is I found that talking to others even if they weren't people that I knew well helped me immensely although I'd always have a hard time maintaining relationships with others because I always had the thought at the back of my head of what they'd think of me. Although for all intents and purposes I'd become someone that was enveloped in work and this became my identity so it didn't matter what anyone thought, at that point in time I was the hardworking student so I found it easier to identify with people and push away those thoughts because I based my identity on my studies and my work. The thing is to some extent I can't say it didn't work, I failed year 2 semester 2 at university twice and I was able to finally get really good grades. Even with courses I never did before I had developed a systematic approach to university.This included doing alot of questions although I wasn't good at scheduling but I learned to organise my notes properly.I also learned to make video recordings of certain classes cause I could never pay attention in lectures. I tried to improve alot and to make it through and for all intents and purposes it did work. In my final year something started to break in me again. Despite all the effort I was making I started to feel an all encompasing emptiness again. I was working and still feeling broken. I was having a hard time even sleeping properly and even exercising. I started to break back down into a bad spiral. Didn't help that I had to go back home when COVID hit earlier this year. Oddly enough bmy brain was spiralling when I went home and I kept on thinking of the worst case scenario for everything. Funny thing is fastforward to June of this year and I finished 95% of my degree . I even got a job in my field in September and thought that would be a turning point for me. I thought if I took the opportunity to go and work that I'd be able to focus my effort on the job and that I'd get over this feeling. While I was in the job I tried my best to pay attention but couldn't. I was having simple problems with my memory. I had nagging thoughts of doubt in the back of my head. I felt like I didn't deserve the job, I felt like I was a screw up. I would come home from work and just try to talk to a friend so that I could take my mind off of things. I know I procrastinated at getting things done because I would go to work and then come back home and just not do anything at home. The thing is on the job I would make video recordings and audio recordings of things I was taught and I knew I had to make sense of it but I never took the time to listen to it or go through them. I eventually quit the job because I thought I was doing an awful job and I was having panic attacks daily. It felt like the people around me were out to get me. My thoughts were jumbled and I couldn't make sense of things. I had to come back home now and I am still not thinking straight on most days. I feel like alot things going on may be my fault. As of late there seems to be some periods not clarity for me and some periods where I just can't make sense of anything. I felt like writing on here for the sake of just writing on here. I'm 25 and lost again in life not only because I quit my job but also because I have no idea what to really do now. I have no idea who I am. I constructed my identity around my ability to do work or study but in all honesty I realised that my body was telling me I hated what I studied and even going into the field that I got the opportunity to work in I realised I may not be cut out for it. So now I have idea what to do and I feel even more lost in life.
  2. thank you for not deleting it-I've been feeling rather bad these days and certainly helped me
  3. Merry Christmas to people on here. All the best on this day.
  4. Thanks man, I appreciate it. I have thought about it alot, I guess its just to get a regular schedule and try to get a routine. Some days I feel absolutely horrible but I know even though its difficult I have to try. My problem is the fact that I know what to do but have problems executing it and then my anxiety gets the better of me and I have mini meltdowns. I feel like a piece of my mind broke a while back but I will keep on trying. Crime's an issue in our country so alot of people keep to themselves alot but I guess you are right, finding a communal area will help. I can't afford life coaches but I can try to meet like minded individuals. I appreciate your advice. Also as a side not I have no idea why when I post from my phone it double posts on this site,its really odd.
  5. As the title says, I've spent my entire life studying and now I have failed out in a way after 3 years of university I accept the fact that although I majored in Mathematics and Physics as my prerequisites for university and then I majored in Engineering that I never had a mind for these subjects. Maths and Physics were a struggle and I don't have that logical or analytical brain,lord knows it took me hours and hours of practice,dedicated teachers and a bit of luck for me to pass my Math and Physics exams. Even in university I made it through on luck a bit until I felt so low that I gave up on myself and have been strugglin ever since. Its been 5 years of my life that has passed me by. Its been quite an experience but my question now is what next? After three years I have failed through university and have such poor records that continuing makes little sense. Even with medical records stating depression I have been very bad at caring to do anything thus its been 8 months overdue since I've been to university which I really should have done. I still don't like stepping out of the house and have a hard time conversing with others. This is something I have to do though however what to do with my life now? I can probably do education in my future but I can barely afford anything at this moment. I guess for now a job will suffice like everyone says. I may as well just do something or do a course. I don't know it feels like I wasted 5 years using that logic just do something and occupy your time that I am hesitant to do it again but now I don't have a clue as to what I want or what to do. I have written down my interests and what I may want but unless there's job for a music loving traveller who's also into art,literature,science,engineering,languages...etc actually in fact I have so many interests its impossible to pin down jusy one. I wish it was easier.
  6. is this a friends reference, cause awesome I love friends((((high five)))) though my mood shifts like that and honestly I am learning to accept myself for who I am-that's my struggle in life, the anxiety,the panic the emptiness,the isolation-it just takes away from life but you know what I am going to work on it-as angry and empty as I become on some days-its fine. I only have the one life and I refuse to let myself sink further and further into the abyss caused by depression.
  7. nope I come from a third world country and live in the poorest of poor conditions, things got better but even in the poorest of poor conditions things aren't all well. I'm depressed as hell but idk guess shouldn't make it an issue,sorry about that but either way I see myself as a loser and a deadbeat and a waste of life so its not like my opinions matter in anything.
  8. Its been 8 months and counting now. I've come to accept my life as is. I can relate but I hope things work out for you man.I'm sure there is something that drives you or interests you. I hope you can find it.
  9. I feel the same way, you described my situation too. Wish I knew what to say to help you but just hold on and keep on trying eventually things have a way of falling into place-hopefully or at least that's something that might help I dunno.
  10. thanks,reading what i wrote yesterday-today i just feel empty and i would rather not be alive.So I'm guessing my mood shifts alot-maybe its because I felt like I never belonged I dunno sometimes I pray for normalcy,the hypocrisy i'm an atheist but grew up in a religious way I guess I coul say I hope for normalcy I dunno mehhhh life is too hard I'm tired really tired
  11. Reading this,just shows me how easily my mood changes from good one day to severely angry and depressed the next. One thing I know for sure,at the very least I am glad this forum doesn't remove posts because I can check on my state and mood.I am grateful for life,it isn't perfect neither is it easy. Six months ago I almost killed myself,funny thing how I am grateful to be hhere typing on a computer despite the awful days. I guess I am using this forum for myself ,maybe its selfish I dunno but I am grateful for life. Maybe another day I'll be low and I can read this and remember life's not all bad.
  12. I just want to tell anyone this. To **** off and leave me alone I mean is that so wrong people are horrible self serving nasty ingratiating Barstewards. So they can **** off a cliff and never bother with anyone. I hate the sight of people. I wonder if I did some actual crime how I would be viewed not that I would actively go out there to hurt people but society,people they're all disgusting pieces of and I really couldn't care about life or others honestly **** life and the people who bring in worthless pieces of like me in the world.Haahahahahhahahahahahahahhaha **** life,**** people,**** everything,
  13. A very miserable feeling indeed. Especially when you've been let down over and over and over again.
  14. I just wanted to say thank you for both of your suggestions. I really appreciate it. I will take them into account although at some point now I just feel a bit run down. I don't know what I am capable of but we'll see how things go I guess.
  15. I like your explanation,thank you so much for sharing with me. Its true it does feel like I am fighting against a raging current and that current is the world. It feels like everything is stacked against me. Unlike others though I am a weak,weak person. I stopped fighting literally. I sleep alot because I am permitted to but either way I can't even slog through normal things anymore. My family still say I am depressed but I do not feel how I felt when I was depressed, at this point I just don't know what to do or where to go and why is it even worth it anymore. Its not fair to others in my life but when has life been fair. I guess I have alot of self hate. That makes it hard to know what to really do and to keep on doing it. Maybe I should start working and probably go back to university. I don't know its always been failure after failure. People say failure makes you stronger-mine's made me depressed and then bitter and resentful and I fail to see the strength in that. You are right though-there are times when it goes away and for a moment I can clearly envision myself pushing through and then my whole life of failure flashes in front of me and I think "why bother?". These days are one off days(few and far in between most days) and then its back to how its always been.For 7 months I slept 16 hours a day mostly,maybe I am trying to dream my life away I don't really know anymore.
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