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About eyesonfire1

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  1. is this a friends reference, cause awesome I love friends((((high five)))) though my mood shifts like that and honestly I am learning to accept myself for who I am-that's my struggle in life, the anxiety,the panic the emptiness,the isolation-it just takes away from life but you know what I am going to work on it-as angry and empty as I become on some days-its fine. I only have the one life and I refuse to let myself sink further and further into the abyss caused by depression.
  2. High Standards

    nope I come from a third world country and live in the poorest of poor conditions, things got better but even in the poorest of poor conditions things aren't all well. I'm depressed as hell but idk guess shouldn't make it an issue,sorry about that but either way I see myself as a loser and a deadbeat and a waste of life so its not like my opinions matter in anything.
  3. Its been 8 months and counting now. I've come to accept my life as is. I can relate but I hope things work out for you man.I'm sure there is something that drives you or interests you. I hope you can find it.
  4. i can't put into words what's happening to me

    I feel the same way, you described my situation too. Wish I knew what to say to help you but just hold on and keep on trying eventually things have a way of falling into place-hopefully or at least that's something that might help I dunno.
  5. Off

    thanks,reading what i wrote yesterday-today i just feel empty and i would rather not be alive.So I'm guessing my mood shifts alot-maybe its because I felt like I never belonged I dunno sometimes I pray for normalcy,the hypocrisy i'm an atheist but grew up in a religious way I guess I coul say I hope for normalcy I dunno mehhhh life is too hard I'm tired really tired
  6. Off

    Reading this,just shows me how easily my mood changes from good one day to severely angry and depressed the next. One thing I know for sure,at the very least I am glad this forum doesn't remove posts because I can check on my state and mood.I am grateful for life,it isn't perfect neither is it easy. Six months ago I almost killed myself,funny thing how I am grateful to be hhere typing on a computer despite the awful days. I guess I am using this forum for myself ,maybe its selfish I dunno but I am grateful for life. Maybe another day I'll be low and I can read this and remember life's not all bad.
  7. Off

    I just want to tell anyone this. To **** off and leave me alone I mean is that so wrong people are horrible self serving nasty ingratiating Barstewards. So they can **** off a cliff and never bother with anyone. I hate the sight of people. I wonder if I did some actual crime how I would be viewed not that I would actively go out there to hurt people but society,people they're all disgusting pieces of and I really couldn't care about life or others honestly **** life and the people who bring in worthless pieces of like me in the world.Haahahahahhahahahahahahahhaha **** life,**** people,**** everything,
  8. When did I become so angry and distrustful?

    A very miserable feeling indeed. Especially when you've been let down over and over and over again.
  9. When did I become so angry and distrustful?

    I just wanted to say thank you for both of your suggestions. I really appreciate it. I will take them into account although at some point now I just feel a bit run down. I don't know what I am capable of but we'll see how things go I guess.
  10. When did I become so angry and distrustful?

    I like your explanation,thank you so much for sharing with me. Its true it does feel like I am fighting against a raging current and that current is the world. It feels like everything is stacked against me. Unlike others though I am a weak,weak person. I stopped fighting literally. I sleep alot because I am permitted to but either way I can't even slog through normal things anymore. My family still say I am depressed but I do not feel how I felt when I was depressed, at this point I just don't know what to do or where to go and why is it even worth it anymore. Its not fair to others in my life but when has life been fair. I guess I have alot of self hate. That makes it hard to know what to really do and to keep on doing it. Maybe I should start working and probably go back to university. I don't know its always been failure after failure. People say failure makes you stronger-mine's made me depressed and then bitter and resentful and I fail to see the strength in that. You are right though-there are times when it goes away and for a moment I can clearly envision myself pushing through and then my whole life of failure flashes in front of me and I think "why bother?". These days are one off days(few and far in between most days) and then its back to how its always been.For 7 months I slept 16 hours a day mostly,maybe I am trying to dream my life away I don't really know anymore.
  11. I don't trust anyone and I just become angry at anyone that talks to me. I'm not a teenager anymore so where is this angst coming from. Why do I hate others even if they are well intentioned. I just feel so bitter and empty and devoid of anything. Of course I no longer feel extremely down anymore but I feel like there's a hole left in my chest that nothing can really fill if that makes sense and I lash out. I don't ever remember being liking this. I just feel so hateful and worthless at the same time. I don't know maybe councelling will help again. I really can't say. I don't even know why I am posting this here but I guess I just am. Is this me a distrustful,angry,bitter and empty person???
  12. Lost

    this is how I feel every single day and the reality is I'd like to break that cycle but I just don't know how because I've been set back so much already.
  13. Lost

    I wish I had something that gave my life purpose. I don't know how to carve out a life for myself.
  14. Lost

    I wish things could change for the better
  15. Lost

    No dreams,no hopes and empty on the inside. Its been 6 months now and my mind can't just seem to get better. I guess it is what it is. My brain feels empty. There isn't anything that I look forward to in life. I don't know what is the meaning of life or what is my purpose.No one can change your life for you but yourself. What is it that people look forward to?I'm dead on the inside,that's all I can say.