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eyesonfire1

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About eyesonfire1

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  1. Lost

    this is how I feel every single day and the reality is I'd like to break that cycle but I just don't know how because I've been set back so much already.
  2. Lost

    I wish I had something that gave my life purpose. I don't know how to carve out a life for myself.
  3. Lost

    I wish things could change for the better
  4. Lost

    No dreams,no hopes and empty on the inside. Its been 6 months now and my mind can't just seem to get better. I guess it is what it is. My brain feels empty. There isn't anything that I look forward to in life. I don't know what is the meaning of life or what is my purpose.No one can change your life for you but yourself. What is it that people look forward to?I'm dead on the inside,that's all I can say.
  5. Giving up and quitting everything

    Hey potatoe_girl I just wanted to say that I can relate to what you're saying. I really do hope things get better. I really hope that you can find yourself. I think what gives me hope is the fact that there is time although certain decisions can't be changed and we can only work with what we have. Unfortunately for me that isn't much and I have literally given up and I won't recommend it to anyone. I don't know what to say but as long as you can keep on trying you should definitely keep on trying. The feeling as if you don't know everything is okay because guess what alot of people really don't know alot either. You won't work in Mcdonald's,the degree is a stepping stone for a job and it doesn't matter what job you go into. Eventually you'll find your place. I'm hoping for the best for you.
  6. Life is hard

    I don't know what else there is to say but I guess the title says it all. I've recently started taking Pristiq and I hope that my life can turn around. The truth about me is that I feel ill-equipped to deal with life. Simple things like family gatherings and events are really hard for me to go to. I can't even go anywhere anymore since it feels like I no longer have any control of my life. For 6 months I have been on a bed and I've been unable to fix myself. I look at my future and it seems bleak and I look at my past and it seems bleak. I'm in the present but its like I'm not really here. I feel empty,sad and just lost. Its painful,everyday is painful because I no longer know what to do. I feel like all my attempts end in failure. I've been so caught up in my life that other people's problems have passed me by. I don't know what to do anymore. It just feels like all my aspirations and dreams have gone up in smoke. Maybe I wanted too much from life. Its really demanding and I feel like I have nothing to give. I have no more energy left. Since I was 18 I was breaking down. I was a hypochondriac and anything would trigger me off. A headache was an aneurysm, a cold was MRSA, insomnia meant I got Fatal Familial Insomnia and my memory problems were Creutzfeld Jacob Disease. In fact for a long time I thought I had CJD because of how I felt. I managed to calm these thoughts but it would seem I got overwhelmed and in these past two years I have broken down completely. I felt like I had lost so many years of my life since I was 18.I felt like my time at university was a waste and I felt as though I was incapable of being a good employee. I felt like I was a horrible friend. I shut off people from my life and couldn't make sense of simple things. I shut down entirely and nothing I did made sense. I guess even today I can't go out of the house. I can't do anything really. I failed uni. too. I don't know which came first the anxiety or the depression. Life's just passing me by. I can't face anything or anyone. I wanted more from my life I guess.
  7. Life is hard

    I don't know what else there is to say but I guess the title says it all. I've recently started taking Pristiq and I hope that my life can turn around. The truth about me is that I feel ill-equipped to deal with life. Simple things like family gatherings and events are really hard for me to go to. I can't even go anywhere anymore since it feels like I no longer have any control of my life. For 6 months I have been on a bed and I've been unable to fix myself. I look at my future and it seems bleak and I look at my past and it seems bleak. I'm in the present but its like I'm not really here. I feel empty,sad and just lost. Its painful,everyday is painful because I no longer know what to do. I feel like all my attempts end in failure. I've been so caught up in my life that other people's problems have passed me by. I don't know what to do anymore. It just feels like all my aspirations and dreams have gone up in smoke. Maybe I wanted too much from life. Its really demanding and I feel like I have nothing to give. I have no more energy left. Since I was 18 I was breaking down. I was a hypochondriac and anything would trigger me off. A headache was an aneurysm, a cold was MRSA, insomnia meant I got Fatal Familial Insomnia and my memory problems were Creutzfeld Jacob Disease. In fact for a long time I thought I had CJD because of how I felt. I managed to calm these thoughts but it would seem I got overwhelmed and in these past two years I have broken down completely. I felt like I had lost so many years of my life since I was 18.I felt like my time at university was a waste and I felt as though I was incapable of being a good employee. I felt like I was a horrible friend. I shut off people from my life and couldn't make sense of simple things. I shut down entirely and nothing I did made sense. I guess even today I can't go out of the house. I can't do anything really. I failed uni. too. I don't know which came first the anxiety or the depression. Life's just passing me by. I can't face anything or anyone. I wanted more from my life I guess.
  8. I'm not sure what's really going on here

    I think accepting this cycle has been the hardest for me.I know I have goals,hobbies,passions and dreams but when I'm low its almost as if it never existed. These past two years have been the hardest for me with definite highs and lows unfortunately the lows have been the lowest I've ever been in my life.This certainty felt too true and left me without any hope.My situation is still really bad but my mind is not as heavy. I guess like you said maybe its me coming out of depression.I hope so,I really do. My emotions are weird honestly.They've been fluctuating from really low to almost normal.But I haven't felt sharp mentally in a while just glad to feel like I have some degree of control again.
  9. I think for the first time in the past four months I have started getting a clear mind. I can only describe it as being able to think about something without any blocks.Its as if the dark cloud that has been following me has vacated or at least given me back a sense of 'me'. When I was in a really bad state thinking about even simple things were tedious and its not like I'm certain this feeling will last but I do cherish it. Its weird how doing simple things feel like a massive task I mean when I was in my apartment a couple of months ago and I wanted to heat up food rather than stepping out of my room and you know heating up food in a microwave you know which would have been the best thing to do,I took a heater and sat on my bed letting the water vapour heat up the surface of my food just so that I wouldn't have to step out of my room and face my flatmates. I don't know why that was the most logical thing for me but I can only describe my periods of depression with severe distortions in my thinking.I'm not saying my thinking and reasoning have become better but at the very least there isn't a million and one things constantly whirring in my head that are hard to suppress. I'm just a bit glad to feel some relief but I'm still in a bit of a state.I guess posting here is just a way of tracking my progress.I don't know if I'll fall back into a fogged out mind again. It is scary how my mind just blanks out when I'm feeling low. I hope this brain fog doesn't return.
  10. What do I do with my life now

    Most people find reasons to keep them going. I don't see any reason to move forward. My entire life I've treated people horribly,you know it sucks that I am such a monster. I don't have anything much left-no friends ,no degree,no job,no skills.....nothing-its funny I have no idea why I've been alive for so long or why I'm posting again on this website. I guess when you lose everything even your sanity it really doesn't matter. I don't know what to do with my life at this point. I was once an outgoing person-people looked up to me but now I'm down and realised that I've burned all my bridges personally. Not only that but there isn't a single person who likes me-I have done so many horrible things to people its unbelievable how selfish I am. The pain of just being alive everyday-it hurts,I really don't know what to do or how to even pick myself up again,its impossible.I can't even express myself properly. You know what I'll just say it I hate myself,I shouldn't be alive.I wish just for one minute that I could be "normal" and not feel this pain of being alive.I have no idea how to move forward with life,it just seems so painful. I don't know how people find it in them to keep on going forward.
  11. I moved from one apartment to another, I tried changing my lifestyle, I tried studying harder. I still end up repeating the same mistake as the last time. I'm here now unable to focus,unable to see a glimmer of hope that things'll get better. I just want to do good,but I constantly take risks that I shouldn't have. I think I am a sociopath. I tell little white lies, I don't learn from mistakes and I feel emotionally numb. I don't know what is wrong with me at this point. I feel absolutely horrible that I am letting down my family. I know that I am letting them down, they are okay with me failing but I am not(i don't want to fail, I don't want this to happen again) soooo why can't I study now. Why is it that my brain just won't absorb any new information. Why is it all I want to do is just sleep. I can barely eat anymore. I don't even know if I am depressed or if I am using that as an excuse. I was trying to go to the councellor to get help but I told her I was managing myself,which was true but I didn't realise how badly I let things get. I was attending all my classes. Cooking for myself and completing my assignments. Now I can't find the energy to do anythin. All I can think about is how I let my lecturers down,my family down and how despite trying I'll fail again. I think and think and wonder maybe its not depression that I have what if its something like psychopathy or sociopathy. I think about my life choices. Its true that I resonate with a lot of psychopaths. I get bored easily, I don't have regret otherwise I wouldn't be making the same mistakes as before. I don't have many friends,I push them away. I will probably be unsuccesful in life. I don't know I am being honest here. I have studies to do and I can barely even do them.My brain isn't even processing anything. I know it could be depression but somehow I look at myself and all I see is someone who has made so many mistakes. If I learned from them that would be great but I don't, I repeat it over and over again. I think I am a or a sociopath. I don't know but all I know is whatever I am I don't like it, I don't want to keep on disappointing. See this is where I know I am a sociopath but here I am saying I don't want to keep on disappointing but I can't lift a finger to study, I say one thing but do another. I don't know I am just tired,frustrated and can't think,can't cope. I am on the verge of failing university again. Its over for me.
  12. Losing my hair and a friend...

    It is hard losing a friend, its like a part of your life is gone but you know though , everyone's timer is different don't compare yourself to what others have, try and be proud of you. Love you first and foremost. Its easier said than done but ya know even in hard times, he'll still be your friend just I know it sucks to not talk everyday like you used, to not be able to have someone to share moments of happiness with, even the mundane stuff. Butttt at least its something you know you want now soooooo there's your answer. You will get someone to share the boring times, the bad times n the good times. Just don't worry about the when, things have a way of working out. I still wish you all the best while you feel like this. Hugsss?
  13. I don't learn from my mistakes

    Started councelling bjt they are always booked up,talking helps-idk piece of me feels like I am destined to do the wrong things all the time like legitamately,I can't seem to break this cycle. What gets me is its not like I don't genuinely try,I genuinely do try-this semester I have been working my @$$ off and you know all that hard work has culminated in me still messing up-in the past 3 weeks I was supposed to work on this project now its been problematic- i couldn't ask for help,not from my proffessor even though they know I my story-now I've disappointed them,disappointed myself,disappointed my family its all going down the crapper,I'm stuck in a bad loop n I think genuinely I couldn't care less. I say I care but my actions indicate othetwise-i mean yes I stuggle with numbness,yes these past three weeks have been hard on me and yes I've told most of my professors my story then whyyyyy can't I rectify my own problems why is it that I can't change-I..............feel like I am an attention seeker - i talk the talk but fail to walk the walk and I blame my circumstances
  14. I just realised something, its a trend thay I get into, the same thing has been happening to me for the past year. So last year I fell for a girl told her I liked her got rejected, started worrying-worried about my life situation and fell into a really dark place, failed all my exams. Slowly but surely I worked my way out of the dark place, met someone wonderful again and I got to know her really well,told her I liked her got rejected and we still kept on talking,this first rejection hit hard but we still kept on talking and then I told her I loved her-got rejected and fell into a really dark place. To be fair to her I wasn't the best person because I wasn't completely honest since I lied to her about my relationships-said I dated alot which isn't true cause my experience was zero technically while she was always open with me about her past. Also I feel like I didn't respect her feelings for me as a friend but rejection for the second time hit hard. We agreed to be friends after the first rejection,how could I still tell her I love you and not expect to be rejected. She still tried contacting me afterwards and I told her I didn't want to lose her as a friend. Same thing happened with the girl from last yearyou know. So she stopped messaging me after that. She'll talk to me if I message her but now I thinks she's really distanced herself from me and I blame myself. I also feel like last year after that rejection is when I started to feel low again. Trouble concentrating,couldn't remember stuff and lack of attention despite attending all my classes. Now I realised there is a pattern. I repeat the same mistakes and I don't learn fron them-I do the same thing over and over again. It even applies to my school work,we started working on a project and now its hard to complete and I feel like I am making the same mistakes as last year.Its weird the same exact pattern. I really have this pattern of self sabotaging and I don't want to be stuck in it forever.For 3 weeks now I have been unable to study properly and I still have memory problems. I blame my problems on how I feel like last time but shouldn't I be able to cope better. Why is it that in my life I have this trend that I don't learn from mistakes.? I want to be a responsible individual,someone that people can rely on. For example last sem I failed 1 course but passed all others. I was given a withdrawal. I begged my proffessors to let me in and I even discussed my personal issues with them.I thought I was capable and I studied harder than ever. I hit a bump in the road in the last three weeks and I'm still recovering from it. I still feel numb on most mornings. Still struggle with work and now its looking like last year's repeating itself that I may fail again. Not only that I have a hard time trying to get help, despite saying I would seek help before things get worse. Its only when it gets bad I look for help. Now that I'm thinking alot again I see myself clearer than ever. I wonder what's wrong with me. Its definitely not good,I shouldn't be caught in this endless cycle. I really want out.
  15. Depression has come back

    Soooo I'm going to go to the doctor, I really appreciate how supportive and understanding all of you are. Its hard for me cause I always am my own worst critic and despite knowing its not my fault and despite knowing how badly it can get, I still feel like I am letting everyone down. I really fought to get back into Uni and my lecturers gave me the opportunity, I don't want to let them down. Its always reassuring to know that there is hope and that is what I need. Thanks so much, somehow I am going to find a way to work through this-one way or the other.