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  1. Thank you for being so kind, Epictetus and IWantRope.
  2. (Long rant) I feel like I deserve everything bad that happens to me. I reminded myself today what a miserable bitch I am and always have been. I have been bullied all my life - by different people in different places. They could all sense that something was deeply wrong with me. You would think that such experiences would have made me a compassionate person who didn’t want anyone to go through what she did. But they have not. I spent the past few years in near-total isolation due to my overwhelming mental health issues. After all those years of introspection I felt like I had... evolved. Like I had a clearer understanding of the world and of myself. I thought I had become the kindest, most emotionally perceptive version of myself. I believed I would never repeat the shameful mistakes of my childhood and teenage years, hurting my family, friends and others for no reason other than my bitterness. I trampled over the loveliest people to climb an inch higher on the social ladder. I can’t even count the number of people in my life who hated me (and probably still do). My heart was ugly, ugly, ugly. I felt ashamed even back then, but could never get myself to stop. I could hardly see beyond my own pain. I started college recently. It’s online for now but that will change soon (which I’m terrified about). This afternoon I posted an unnecessarily mean message about someone in our college on the class group chat. In the moment I thought it was totally justified (like I always do). But it wasn’t (like it never is). I thought I was just joining in with everybody else who were saying mildly unpleasant things about this person. I thought they would think I was normal and even funny. I hate who I become around people. I am scum. I have always been. I have no right to feel sad about anything. I used to think it was my social ineptitude that made me incapable of “reading the room” and that caused me to always be completely off the mark in my attempts to be “normal” (which sometimes seems to include being sort of mean). But I can’t make excuses for myself anymore. I want to drop out of college. I want to learn in the safe solitude of my room. Is it cowardly to choose a life like that? I know I won’t survive regular school. It’s too much - the self-hate, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, the relentless, boundless stupidity. I can’t. I have exams coming up next week for which I am completely unprepared. I don’t even have the motivation to start studying. All I ever do is feel like a waste of space.
  3. Thank you very much for your reply, anon22ae.
  4. Thank you for your response, JD4010. It does help to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. :) Although I wish we both had a better self-image!
  5. I started college a month ago and realised what an idiot I've always been. I can never pay attention in class. It's not even a difficult course. Can never make sense of questions asked in class. They sound too vague to me, but the other students have their hands up in seconds. Can never string together a meaningful or grammatically sound sentence when called on. Everyone else in class seems to see and grasp things that I just can't. Studying on my own is also a lost cause. Takes me over four hours to read ten pages. Every day I do or say something that proves I am and have always been an idiot. I just always attributed my stupidity to social awkwardness or being a "quirky" mess. I was in such denial! I don't know what to do anymore. I have nothing. I am the most socially inept person you will ever meet - no exaggeration. I never talk to ANYONE. Never know what to say. I'm fine with being friendless. I don't think I've ever felt lonely, per se. But it is one of the many, many things about me that are just not normal. I have 0 social skills, subpar intelligence, and I'm remarkably ugly (really am; not being too harsh on myself). My appearance is as unsexy as it can get. That by itself is not a big worry for me right now... But I can't deal with all these inadequacies together.
  6. Hi, sabiflitch! I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Have you discussed these dreams with your boyfriend? I think that would help immensely. I went through something similar for nearly three years. Every single day I wrestled with thoughts of my boyfriend cheating on me. Every day I would worry about a different girl - his ex, this beautiful girl he used to be friends with, girls at his college who all seem to have perfect bodies and show them off on social media. I used to stress over his celebrity crushes too. It was an impossibly difficult time. I couldn't watch a single movie or read a book without seeing my boyfriend as the male protagonist and worrying that he would sleep with someone he met at work, at the gym, at a party or wherever else the Guy meets the Girl in the movie/book. I was constantly coming up with scenarios where he cheat on me or atleast, really, really want to cheat on me. This only got better after I decided to let go of my fear of driving him away with my insecurities and shared everything with him. Told him about every girl I felt jealous of and that I just KNEW he was going to leave me for someone else. We had many long conversations about this. He is a good person, so he was patient and understanding and kept reassuring me that he loved me and would never hurt me. He never once got annoyed with me. If your boyfriend is worth your time, he will listen to you too and do everything he can to assuage your fears. I also started taking medication for OCD after two years of struggling with such intrusive thoughts and that helped a LOT. Another thing that helped me was to frequently remind myself that if he did cheat on me, that would reflect on HIM, not me. People don't get cheated on because they're lacking in any way. They get cheated on because their partners are a-holes. Also, keep in mind that you are not alone. Not at all! A LOT of people are going through the same anxiety that you are. Hope everything works out well for you. Sending you lots of love
  7. I think you should wait for a few days maybe. Even if he doesn't care about Valentine's Day, he would still want to have a nice day with you. Let him know now that you plan on staying at your parents' house for a while. Don't worry about it seeming mean. You shouldn't have to put up with feeling uneasy and unhappy just so that he can finally have a "successful" relationship. You need some time off. There's nothing wrong with that. It will help you figure out what you want to do about your relationship and your other concerns.
  8. I don't think it's normal for a dichotomy like that to exist. It's scary. You feel like you don't know the person you share so much of your life with. And yes, you need space! It will be good for you to be in a different environment and have some clarity. If you are close with your parents, you could even talk to them about your situation. I don't think it would be "mean" for you to do something for your own well-being. The end of March is more than a month away and it might sound like a breakup to him. Let him know that you're feeling troubled and need some time apart for your peace of mind. It is not selfish or mean. Your resentment is understandable. He upset you deeply. If you wish to stay with him, please try to communicate with him about his behaviour again, otherwise you'll just grow more resentful with time. It will eat away at you! Being stuck at home all day sucks. Especially when your boyfriend gets to go out, have a career, meet people and feel fulfilled. It would help you a lot to indulge in your hobbies, develop new ones and continue your search for a job. You could exercise too. I know this all sounds trite but what I mean is, by focusing on productive things and setting reasonable goals for yourself, you'll feel much better and will be able to think about your situation with a calm mind. Good luck with everything! :)
  9. Hi, ChubbyBunny89 :) I am really sorry for what you're going through! In my opinion, you should not stay with him because you feel you'll never be able to find someone as accommodating as him. I know that's not the only reason for you to stay but I think you should rule out this reason completely. There are lots of nice people in the world and even if you don't find any anytime soon, you'll be FINE! You don't need a guy or a relationship to be happy. You mentioned feeling like he's your "caretaker" in another post. I don't agree with that at all. His providing for you financially doesn't make him your caretaker. You cook, you clean (these are not minor things, they make life pretty comfortable for him) and most importantly, you provide him with a lot of emotional support - like you said in another post, "I'm the only person on his life who can get him out of his dark moments and who encourages and complements him". You're contributing ENOUGH, even if he doesn't fully appreciate the things you do for him. Regarding you not "deserving" him, that's a really awful thing to think about yourself! You sound like a wonderful person. You have friends that love you and care about your well-being. You not having a job or a car does not make you a lesser person than him. You are not the money or things you own. And you are definitely not your mental health issues. The people who might judge you for such things are worthless. Also, about the sex thing you mentioned in another post, I understand COMPLETELY. But please do not feel like you owe him sex for the things he does for you (in case you do feel like that). Since you said you're not asexual, I think you should see a counsellor and discuss your fears. You could try "experimenting" by yourself. Start small (ugh, this is awkward) so it doesn't hurt. But do it for yourself and to be comfortable with your sexuality, not because no one will "put up" with a girlfriend who doesn't wanna do it. Coming to the most important part, he does not sound like a very nice person to me. I'm sorry if I'm being presumptuous. Being overly critical, leaving you multiple angry voicemails over a scratched pan, flipping out when you try to tell him his behaviour is hurtful, talking/joking about becoming violent - this does not sound like healthy behaviour at all. Yes, he does some nice things for you. But he's not doing you an extraordinary favor by being accommodating of your needs. That's what a boyfriend SHOULD do. His unhealthy, hurtful conduct should not be overlooked just because he's been a decent person in other situations. My ex was like that too, a "nice guy" to everyone, a good listener (well, that's the least he could do, I opened up so rarely!), pretty sensitive to most of my needs, but he also treated me awfully other times. My self esteem suffered a lot. Initially I tried to pass this off as him being clueless and not realizing he was hurting me. But no matter how many times I let him know he hurt me, that behaviour wouldn't stop. It made me feel like I wasn't important enough or even "human" enough for him to take my feelings into account. We broke up a year ago and I am much better off without being treated like that and crying my eyes out over him. Ultimately, only you know what's right for you. For now, I really think you should push further for couples therapy. Tell him it's extremely important for you and your well-being. Please take care of yourself and PUT YOUR EMOTIONAL HEALTH FIRST! PS- I'm sorry if any part of my post came off as rude!
  10. I'm 19 years old and I haven't left my house in over four months. Back in January, I shaved my head out of frustration. My hair had always been a major source of unhappiness for me. I don't go to school/college (due to my depression and anxiety, I couldn't even finish my last year of high school) so it felt okay to just shave my hair off. While it was nice for a while to have one less thing to worry about, I now think it's causing me more anxiety than ever before. Where I live, it's plain WEIRD for a girl to shave her head. None of the girls I went to school with even had very short hair. I'm absolutely terrified to leave my house because of how people might react. I'm scared I'll run into an old classmate and they'll think I'm an even bigger freak than I used to be before. For some reason, most people I know have very little self-awareness. Even the "nice" people say the most obnoxious things in a very matter-of-fact way and no one bats an eye. One particular incident that I remember is when I ran into an old friend and her two brothers a couple of years ago. They spent an entire hour criticizing my weight loss. When I used to go to school with them, I was (according to myself) very chubby. After moving to another school, I became super-skinny from dieting and working out. Looking back, I might have been bit too thin. But at the time, I was extremely happy with my body (after years of feeling fat and unfeminine). My friend seemed a little concerned about my health but proceeded to say that my face had lost its "cuteness" completely. Her brothers were less kind. They kept going on and on about how terrible and gross I looked now. For someone with BDD (undiagnosed back then), this was heartbreaking. I think they believed they were being funny. This brutally mean sense of "humor" was shared by most of the people I went to school with. And I don't think they'll ever grow out of it, considering the amount of adults I know who are the same way. I didn't know how to respond to them. They were my friend's brothers and it didn't seem like a bullying situation on the outside. But it felt a lot like it. I tried to laugh along and be jokingly mean back, even though I didn't want to at all. I felt/looked like the biggest loser ever. I don't want to feel like that again. I have been refusing to leave my house since January. Even to start therapy. I'm so terrified that I'll run into these people again or some other awful old "friends" and they'll laugh at my hair, say that it looks terrible and/or ask me what the hell I did to it, to my face. And I'll just stand there awkwardly, pathetically not knowing what to say or do. I know too many people who are capable of being that mean and nobody even considers them bad people. I wish I knew how to respond non-pathetically to such things . This is making me so sad.
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