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About DesperationandHurt

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  • Birthday April 28

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    Deep South, USA

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  1. For anyone who thinks it's okay to use me as their punching bag, it's not going to happen anymore. I'm tired of being blamed for things that I have nothing to do with or no control of. I am tired of being made out to be this bad person when all I do is bend over backwards for people and try to help them out. I am tired of people mistaking my kindness for weakness. I am tired of people thinking it's okay to speak to me the way they do. I am a good person. I always have been. If I see a person in need, I do what I can to help them. Sometimes, there isn't anything I can do to help them but if I can't, I sure try to find someone or something that can. I have always made sure others were taken care of before dealing with my own problems. To me, helping others made me feel so much better. Not out of any type of gain other than just knowing that they were going to be okay. This is probably one of my biggest reasons for going to school to become a therapist. However, in doing that (helping others), I think I may have lost myself a bit because I let people dictate my self-worth and take out their frustrations on me. I know people need outlets to deal with their issues. It's just lately it seems I've become the brunt of all that. Too many people think it's okay to trample on me and use me like that and one person can only take so much. Here's the deal. I will not put up with it anymore. I will help you until it turns around and starts to hurt me, from then on, you're on your own. I know I'm coming across as abrasive and mean, but I'm tired of bending over backwards for people who don't care if that means I break or not. I'm not breaking for anyone, anymore. My mental health is just as important as everyone else's mental health is. And if my help can't be appreciated, then you don't deserve it.
  2. The pictures, the videos, everything floating on social media. It's all too much. To see the aftermath of the fire damage to a one beautiful and calming place. It's breaking me inside. I found peace there. It was my oasis. My home away from home. My friend lost her house, my other friend's family lost their farm and their animals. People have still not been recovered. I feel helpless and lost. Why did this have to happen? I don't know what else to say other than this is too much. I have so much to say in my head but not enough out loud. Just please, continue to pray.
  3. Thanks, Jalen. I really appreciate the prayer. I'm safe... but I'm devastated.
  4. Safe as I can get right now! Thanks for the prayer!
  5. As the fires continue to grow, everything continues to burn. I've lost a whole part of me. My childhood, my first breathe of freedom. It's all gone. All the cabins have burned, two schools are now gone. There are a few shops left but won't be for long if this cannot be contained. Not to mention the 10,000+ animals that are trapped inside the aquarium. Only 10% of the fires have been contained. I'm literally bawling my eyes out at the devastation as I watch my home burn. I don't know how to explain the pain I feel about this. I've going on about it all night but I have spent many summers in this town exploring all that it had to offer, with it's little Ma and Pa shops and the sheer amount of entertainment at your finger tips. The mountains were gorgeous and there was something for everyone. I have memories for when my family was still together and we spent our time together there. I have memories of going with just my friends. I have memories of going on dates there. I also have memories of going alone and just people watching for inspiration in my writing. It's all been taken. People are losing their homes. Some are losing their lives. They've had to bring in the national guard. They have had to pull any resource they could. And unless this rain comes as a torrential downpour, it won't stop the fires. Our oasis is gone. I'm at a loss and my heart is hurting.
  6. The mountains are on fire around me. People are being evacuated and there is so much smoke and ash. Air quality is bad, roads are shut down, schools and businesses. Whatever religion, or non religion you are, I just ask that you send positive thoughts and vibes our way. We need it.
  7. Maybe one day I'll come back, but for now, I just can't. If you need to talk at all, please PM me. I'll always listen.
  8. I know, Fate. There is just so much going on. And I'm not exactly sure how to handle anything anymore.
  9. In Robert Frost's poem the "Mending Wall", he and his neighbor rebuild the wall that divides them and this is what his neighbor told him. I took it to mean that as long as you keep your wall up and don't let people inside, they can't hurt you or take anything you tell them and turn it against you. I came to this site because I was hurt. I was desperate. I needed an oasis. I had lost insurance so I couldn't go back to therapy. My boyfriend at the time and my sister were living with me, and they decided to sleep around behind my back while I was at work and then move to Florida together, I was losing everything pretty fast and I really lost all faith of the people in my life. I found a solace here. For a while. But it soon became apparent that not everyone was out to help. And so I find myself coming back every now and then but not really talking because I feel as though I lost a lot. I let people in and they destroyed me. So maybe it's time I build my own mending wall because like the man in Frost's poem states, "Good fences make good neighbors." Here's the thing, though. I enjoyed this site. I enjoyed everyone I came across. I was always out to help others. I want you all to know that.
  10. I have had nothing but heartbreak after heartbreak and it seems that it doesn't matter. I am supposed to hurt. To be wrongfully accused of things I did not do nor could ever think to commit, to be broken up with repeatedly, to run scared because I'm too afraid it's all going to be the same. I have built up a wall, and I seldom let it down. Every time I do, people prove to me why I built it in the first place. I have the biggest heart and I care for everyone I come into contact with. Somehow that gets me into trouble more than it does any good. This cruel, vindictive world has made me die inside more every day and I just don't understand why I was dealt the cards at hand. I must be a cosmic joke. There is only so much one person can handle.
  11. Thank you, Shadows. I really appreciate it. I'm just going through a rough patch that I can't see my way out of, but I also know that doesn't mean there isn't a way out of it, it's just not obvious yet.
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