Even though I signed up to this website, I don't actually know if I suffer from depression, since I have not gone to a doctor or anything. I'm sorry if I posted this topic in the wrong place.
So, I'm a 24 year old guy who doesn't have a high school degree, a job, never had a girlfriend, doesn't really have any friends, and still lives with his parents. High school almost seems like a blur to me now. All I remember is feeling lonely and embarrassed all the time. I also remember trying so hard to get good grades, but always failing almost every class, and thus flunking almost every year. I ended up dropping out of high school, even though I knew that it wasn't the right choice. I just couldn't handle the school anymore. About 5 years ago, I had moved in with my uncle and aunt, who own a small fruit market. I worked there for about 3 months, but during those 3 months, I still felt lonely, and everytime I would go to work, I would feel scared and nervous that I would mess something up. My uncle kept explaining me over and over what I had to do, but I kept forgetting, and I could tell he was starting to get tired of it. No matter how much I tried, I felt like I wasn't learning much. So, I told my uncles that I was going to quit and move back to my parents house. I could tell everybody was disappointed, but I was just so stressed out, and anxious that I couldn't keep working. These past few years, I feel like I got worse. I get very anxious when I go outside, where there's a lot of people. I just feel like everybody is just looking at me, and I can't handle it. I can't talk to someone on the phone without feeling very anxious. I can't even drive or pass the "written" exam to get my permit. I had about 3 people who I considered good friends, but I ended up pushing them away. These days/years all feel the same, and I'm so sick and tired of it. Sick of feeling like a failure at life, and feeling scared everytime I step outside the front door. Sometimes when I sleep, I have these calming dreams, and I wish I could just stay in them for ever. A lot of times, though, I end up dreaming about losing everybody who I have left and ending up alone. It really doesn't feel like I'm walking anymore, more like falling. I've lost so many opportunities in getting a job and finishing school, but this fear is just consuming me, and I feel like I can't do anything about it. Every year that passes, I feel like it becomes harder for me. Please believe me when I say that I want to get my GED and a job. I want to make friends. I want to be able to feel good about myself. I want to make my parents proud. I want to be able to find that special person I would want to build a family with, but I'm just way too scared to do anything. I'm scared of failing again and again. I don't want to fail anymore. What can I do? I feel so lost.
Sorry for the horrible grammar and spelling.