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Girl91

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  1. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I read your post and am sorry things are feeling very hard for you now. I can't really think of any advice I could give to you though. I can relate in the sense that I am studying in a field which I absolutely don't think I could do my career in, and I would totally not appreciate if someone was to tell me to suck it up and just do it. I'm not sure if you've done therapy or if that's a possibility for you but perhaps you could see if you might be able to treat your depression without changing your circumstances. I know it sounds impossible but I guess it will only be harder to get to solutions if the depression gets worse. Or that's my experience at least. I hope you can figure something out to get some alleviation to your depression. Because I live in Europe it's quite hard to think of any advice since the system (education, social security) is really different too. I think you are right in what you say about finding love and I have also heard from friends that you'll only find someone when you stop looking and concentrate on your own life. I've tried to do just that for the last seven years at least but it just doesn't seem to work :( That (and my general lack of happiness) is also probably the reason I'm trying to look in my past to find some patterns that could have led me to be where I am today. I'm just baffled why I'm so 'bad at life' while everyone else seems to be getting along just fine. Every year that goes by and I'm still single just makes me more afraid I'll never find someone. And it's been some years already as I'm 25. I am otherwise in an okay situation - starting to make a career out of a very dear hobby and even have some friends. (New ones, since all of my friendships from when I was young have ended..) I guess it's very ironic (in a sad way) that what I most long for (a relationship) is something you already have and what you need in your life now (a meaningful job) is something I do have.
  2. Yes, I do think it's really easy to get taken advantage of. I hate it too. For instance, it's really hard for me to keep to the price I'm asking for when Im' selling something and people start to ask for discounts. Especially if they are friends or friends of friends. I hate myself afterwards for letting them get their way but it sometimes seems almost impossible to not give in. I do find CBT quite difficult though as it feels like it forces me to quiet my feelings and force myself to think in the way they say I should. CBT just always makes me uneasy, but at the same time I would like to give it a go. Thank you for the book recommendation. I recently also found a book called Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb. Not that it really helped me resolve anything although the book has a kind of self-help section at the end. But maybe it helped me understand things. I don't know if it would speak to you, but I thought I'd share. Also, yesterday out of feeling super bad, I decided to copy and paste what I had written here and send it to my mom. Her reply wasn't that bad, but obviously she denied ever feeling jealous of me and recalled being proud of me because I have been: successful, driven, skilled, good at school, had hobbies, had friends, got into good schools and university, performed piano pieces in some performances, and have good people skills. I just don't buy it. I mean I guess I buy that she's felt proud for those things, but still. I guess also all those things that she says she's proud of are things that I do for others... look successful from the outside, have social skills (just mean I know how to please people...), managed to get into uni that I now hate. She just can't see anything wrong with how she's brought me up and I'm just sitting here wondering how did I get so ****ed up if she's so perfect.
  3. I already posted in one of the forums yesterday talking about my depression and my relationship to my parents. So I thought I might also introduce myself here. I'm 25 and live in Scandinavia. I study in university but I really do think I'm in the wrong field. I'll try to get my undergraduate degree and then see. I'm also a group fitness instructor which is something I really enjoy doing and am hoping to maybe make a career out of it.... although I think it's really hard. It's kind of my passion though. I've suffered from depression for a while now. It first got diagnosed in 2013 but I've probably had it for longer. I'm in therapy (have been for 1.5) and it's helping but I'm still kinda lost. It's really hard to find a place in the world where I'll feel home. I'm thinking maybe having discussions in this forum might help. It's one thing to talk to your therapist and another to talk to someone who's experienced similar things. Maybe I can help someone else too.
  4. Thank you for your support and responses Minuet and Skylark1 :) I'm sorry this is something you've experienced too, although it's also nice to know I'm not alone. I think you are right that the only way to improve the situation is change what I expect of her and how I interact with her. She's not all bad, but I think she's also not all good. I guess since I started therapy and started to realise these things, I brought up some of these issues with my mom, thinking that she'll suddenly change the way she behaves with me if I just tell her how I feel. I don't think that's going to happen though, and I just have to monitor my interactions with her and take care of myself. I also lived overseas (literally on the other side of the planet) for a few years and that might have been my way of trying to get some distance. Ended up moving back though, and I do think it's easier to find contentment in my home country than any other after all.. Another thing that disturbs me is that she is clearly not being supportive about my depression. She really wanted me to get off meds and wasn't supportive of me going to (or spending money on) therapy either. In conversations she brings up how she's baffled that 'everyone is depressed now' and that she doesn't understand it. Also when I started therapy she said she was worried I talked bad things about her there. I think it's only because of therapy that I've started to consider these things. I go to a psychotherapist who is based on psychoanalytic theory and so a lot of the things that are discussed there are the subconscious things. First when my therapist brought up that my mother could have been jealous of the attention my father was giving to me as a child I thought it was pretty far out, but now I've googled parental jealousy and think that it might actually be true. It could also explain why I have this feeling that my mom doesn't like me although she tells me she loves me. She's also often told me to not get too proud after I've succeeded in getting to good schools (first a good high school, and then university) for example. I used to think it was because she saw a tendency in me to place myself above others and be too proud, but now I think it might have just been (unconscious) jealousy... And I think those kinds of comments have really made me unable to find joy in accomplishments or believe that I deserve to succeed. But yeah, got a little sidetracked there. I was very decisive when I started therapy that I didn't want it to be CBT as I thought that it wouldn't be enough to get to the feelings and emotions beneath my actions. So I chose art therapy (sometimes I paint pictures there) combined with psychoanalytical stuff. I was a bit sceptical at first but it's really helped me to voice my feelings. A few years ago I would not have been able to write these posts for example, as I was unable to admit (to myself or anyone else) how I was feeling and what I was longing for However, now I think that I might benefit from CBT as well, and although I'm going to continue with my current therapist, I registered to moodgym online, which might help me to change some thought patterns on my own :) https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome Thank you again for your support, it's really nice to be able to tell my story and have someone read it and offer thoughts and support:)
  5. Hi all, I'm writing for the first time hoping that I might find some people who have maybe experienced similar things and being able to share these experiences hopefully. I've suffered from depression for some years and have been going to therapy for 1,5 years. I used to take venlafaxin, but haven't taken it for about a year. With therapy I've seen great improvement in how I feel and how productive I can be during my days but am still not feeling quite 'right'. Not sure if I've ever even known what 'right' is though. I'm 25 now. For a long time I associated my depression with my fathers alcoholism. I thought I had quite a nice childhood until my dad got alcoholic and my mom divorced him and he since lost his job (drunk driving). This happened some time before I turned 19. With therapy though, I've come to see how my family was not ideal in many other ways too. What's been bugging me for a few days now is the relationship I have with my mother. I've always thought she's been a loving and kind mother to me, although she was very strict with me when I was a teenager. But I'm not sure if that's true anymore. I've come to realise that I don't feel like she actually 'likes' me. I told her this about a month ago and she just replied 'but i love you!!'. But she then admitted that she thinks I was difficult growing up and she thinks that I am too opinionated still. She also makes remarks about the kind of clothes that I like to wear, and when I had short hair she told me she wants me to grow it so I'd be more feminine. I've told her I feel bad when she makes remarks about my looks but she just brushes it off saying that she's joking. When I think back to my child and teenage years I don't really feel like my mom made me feel like she was really proud of me ever. Even when I succeeded. Also, my sister in-law has said that it's obvious that my little brother (1.5 years younger than me) is my mom's spoil baby. I'm starting to think it might have to do with my mom being jealous of me. I do think my dad used to be quite fond of me as a kid so that could explain it in part. (As crazy as it sounds my mom might be jealous of the attention he gave me.) Also my mom had a very rough childhood so she might be jealous that I had a lot more opportunity than she. I am also attending university and she once told me I should be very happy to study there as she used to have a job cleaning the university building and only dreamed of studying there. Then there's the obvious point of me starting to get more feminine and beautiful as I was growing up at the same time my mom was getting closer to menopause and my dad was cheating on her. I'm conventionally pretty and work out a lot so she might still be jealous of my looks. I'm feeling quite devastated at this realisation as I feel like it's not something I can 'fix'. And I feel like it's such an essential part of growing up to be liked and cherished by ones parents that missing out on that has had a lasting impact on how I feel about myself. Deep inside I feel quite worthless. I really long for a romantic relationship and have never had one. Just casual sex. I feel like I'll never be able to love and be loved as there's just something missing from me. It's making me quite sad... I guess I'm just wondering how I could ever 'fix me' to be able to lead a satisfying life. I'll really appreciate any thoughts or support from anyone... :)
  6. I realized I posted to wrong category so I'm moving it to the relationships section. Sorry
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