You want what you want, I get it. I do, too. But it takes a stable mind to dissect the reasons you want what you want, and you, my cherished friend, do not currently possess a stable mind.
So let’s take a look. What do you want right now?
You want to die. I know that is a given, because this thought has been sitting in your brain for so long that the world seems built around it. You can’t leave the house without thinking of it, can’t survive an hour in your dark bedroom without caressing it. It has become your pet, as it has mine. But here is what you don’t think about: You want to die, but you don’t really want to be dead. It is not the permanence of oblivion that you truly desire. It’s the unique experience that you can’t imagine without actually having felt it firsthand. Because it is knowledge whose cost you will never be able to afford. It’s a memory you will never get to relive and ponder and reminisce.
And you also want to die because you crave the comfort of control. That is another given.
Onto the second thing you want: Destruction. You want to ruin all the valuable points in your life. You want to hurt that friend and you want to ignore that opportunity. You want to start a fight with the one who feeds you the most love. But again, this is about your desire to be in control, because if you can make them hate you when you’re at your worst, then you don’t have to worry about disappointing them when you are trying your best. And you can convince yourself that you are exactly the kind of monster who doesn’t deserve their love or effort anyway.
So what else do you want? You want to hurt yourself. Maybe not physically, maybe not in a way that will bleed or show bruises, but denying yourself sleep and food and exercise and love are forms of self abuse. You think you deserve to be punished, but no one else is willing to beat you up in quite the same way. You wish they would. But they won’t, because they have stability you do not have. They see you as a whole, imperfect human. And they love you anyway.
Today is not a day to make big decisions. It is not a day to seek uncharted memories. It is not a day to worry about whether or not you deserve love, because you won’t listen to the people who will tell you that you absolutely do. No, today is a day to close the curtains and rest your unstable mind. Put the caffeine away; let your body feel tired. Sleep. Let your words out. Tell someone who loves you that your heart aches and you need a hand to hold in the impenetrable darkness. And damn it, let them do it.
It’s okay to want what you want, I get it. But let your stable mind make the decisions.