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About SugaredSloth

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 09/20/1987

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    Somewhere in the Mitten.
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  1. You want what you want, I get it. I do, too. But it takes a stable mind to dissect the reasons you want what you want, and you, my cherished friend, do not currently possess a stable mind. So let’s take a look. What do you want right now? You want to die. I know that is a given, because this thought has been sitting in your brain for so long that the world seems built around it. You can’t leave the house without thinking of it, can’t survive an hour in your dark bedroom without caressing it. It has become your pet, as it has mine. But here is what you don’t think about: You want to die, but you don’t really want to be dead. It is not the permanence of oblivion that you truly desire. It’s the unique experience that you can’t imagine without actually having felt it firsthand. Because it is knowledge whose cost you will never be able to afford. It’s a memory you will never get to relive and ponder and reminisce. And you also want to die because you crave the comfort of control. That is another given. Onto the second thing you want: Destruction. You want to ruin all the valuable points in your life. You want to hurt that friend and you want to ignore that opportunity. You want to start a fight with the one who feeds you the most love. But again, this is about your desire to be in control, because if you can make them hate you when you’re at your worst, then you don’t have to worry about disappointing them when you are trying your best. And you can convince yourself that you are exactly the kind of monster who doesn’t deserve their love or effort anyway. So what else do you want? You want to hurt yourself. Maybe not physically, maybe not in a way that will bleed or show bruises, but denying yourself sleep and food and exercise and love are forms of self abuse. You think you deserve to be punished, but no one else is willing to beat you up in quite the same way. You wish they would. But they won’t, because they have stability you do not have. They see you as a whole, imperfect human. And they love you anyway. Today is not a day to make big decisions. It is not a day to seek uncharted memories. It is not a day to worry about whether or not you deserve love, because you won’t listen to the people who will tell you that you absolutely do. No, today is a day to close the curtains and rest your unstable mind. Put the caffeine away; let your body feel tired. Sleep. Let your words out. Tell someone who loves you that your heart aches and you need a hand to hold in the impenetrable darkness. And damn it, let them do it. It’s okay to want what you want, I get it. But let your stable mind make the decisions.
  2. I wish I could sleep But I did that once this week ...won’t happen again
  3. Arms brush as we pass You slide a little closer Secret oasis
  4. The months drag like textbook pages So dry, I just keep flipping through Staring at the ink expecting a change But it doesn’t come You disappeared like music in the mind of a linguist I would know Not gradual, I went to sleep with you in my head Woke up and you were gone You once were the commanding percussion I marched to You were the emotional piano keys that unlocked me The subtle, moving strings that tied me to you I felt every piece of the arrangement While I was listening But I could only ever hold on to the lyrics Because they were mine I sang your song so often that I lost my own voice in your melody How times did you pry my heart open Just to pour yourself in How many times did I welcome you fully At the same time craving both more of you and less of me But I took it too far and you watched me slowly erase myself Until there was nothing left to love Now I flip through my own pages Even my poetry is textbook dry I keep staring at the ink expecting a change that never comes Every page the same Cold and closed, hardened No vulnerability, no fragments of my heart for you to find Only distance and dispassion Most lines left unfinished Because I’m still singing to you Without any of your music And it echoes off walls you’ve never touched I could never keep time on my own I could never stay in key So your song becomes little more than a collection of lyrics Verses and choruses that I wrote long ago That I can now speak only in whispers To no audience
  5. I don’t like eggs and I hate cilantro. Honestly I’m fairly ambivalent when it comes to foods I like, but I actually have a long list of foods I don’t care for and why. I do enjoy spicy foods though.
  6. I feel so lonely surrounded by all these people
  7. I wish more than anything that money could buy time. It’s all I want some days.
  8. I have very little appreciation for the aesthetics of things or people, unless there is a concrete purpose, but I want the people around me to appreciate the way I look. I don’t really care, it doesn’t flatter me to hear it, nor do I feel particularly validated by the praise. I think perhaps it is because I know they will likely never understand my mind or find a way to value what I believe are the best parts of me, so allowing them to value me in a way that is meaningful to them is my best course toward acceptance.
  9. I don’t agree with you at all, but I appreciate your thoughts.
  10. I have experienced this as well. For me, I really have to take time to consider whether it is true mania or whether it is more that my brain interprets elevated feelings (endorphins and confidence produced by exercise) as a manic episode. Another example I have of this is what happens when caffeine hits me the wrong way, as it occasionally does. My heartbeat is a little higher than normal, which my brain naturally interprets as anxiety. From there, I can talk myself into a full panic attack, simply because I have had too much coffee. Perhaps your elevated moods are simply a result of your brain trying to process these new endorphins, and establishing a routine will level them out over time? Either way, exercise is so good for you, and I’m proud of you for putting in the work for your health! I hope the moods stay good and crashes get better soon!
  11. Birthday Party I throw away time and fill my head with noise Anything I can do to block out your voice I never loved anyone the way I loved you With every ounce of my strength holding on to you I used to celebrate your every breath And now instead I mourn your death Head to toe, dressed in black That’s how it feels, you never came back But I didn’t wait, and I never do Moved on right away, giving love to someone new I just needed some place warm to keep my hands So I scatter my heart like grains of sand No one keeps me, I just love them and leave Go back to my bed and sleep to grieve I’m not running the way you would always say I’m not getting anywhere, just running away But what if I could be alone for a short time Would I find you there in the back of my mind What if I took off my headphones, tuned out the sound Would you still be there if I turned around No... your body is gone now, buried with my heart I’m glad you can’t see me fall apart
  12. Your hands are gentle I dont want to fall in love But put them on me
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