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Teemu

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  1. Thank you for words, I hope you're better now. Growing up I was involved in church meetings and such, took baptism when I was 17 but after that I strayed away. It was more of moral dilemma than anything, they were good people and I learned a lot being around that environment. Compassion and such, taking care of others and not looking down on anyone no matter who they are or behave. However I'm not sure if it's my thing but thank you for your advice nonetheless. Aand to update my status on things that needed doing: I went to prostitute (lol) and well I think I am lacking more than I imagined. I mean it was weird... I felt nothing and it was not special in anyway. Why it had become such a huge thing in my head, I don't know. But clearly it was not the physical part but the mental - the connection between someone which is why I am in this state. I have repressed those feelings so long that they are but a lifeless whimper and I'm not sure how I can revive them. Quite sad. Very sad actually. I think I need some kind of long-term healing plan. I'll be pondering about this for a while and think what I should do next. Maybe see if I can help someone in this same state to see that the sex itself is not scary but the intimacy and human connection is.
  2. =] Thanks but I know myself at this point. I'm not ok and I can feel it around me. I've been living in the shadow of myself forever as I recall. Not being myself fully. It's just unbearable. To not being able to love anyone and nobody being able to love you. I often put off things by thinking they either resolve themselves or just forget them. This time I can't. Funny thing is that I've been going to gym rigorously for quite some time and feel somewhat resistant to the aching misery of depression itself - the feeling that you can't do anything and just sink deeper. I now stay clear-minded but feel the blows nonetheless when they come. Curious thing. But I don't feel good and this has to stop otherwise I'm going to get just worse. I hope in the following 7 days lot of new things would happen.
  3. Hi, I'm writing this with a heavy heart as this feeling is just too much. There's a lot of good things in my life; I have health, employment, good education and am physically well. Some friends even. However here as my 26th birthday approaches I can't but wring at the thought of my loneliness and the wretchedness of my relationships. See I haven't had a girlfriend. Just haven't happened, I guess. Had plenty of chances. Of those quite a few attempts too at getting to know someone. But there's just something wrong with me. Something is so deeply wrong with me that I can't but coil and turn in my bed suffering this mute horror. It's just a never-ending loop of this pain over and over again and it's.. unimaginable. Now it's receding for a while I guess I cried too much that my body is mellowing out the emotions. I have been to psychologist and talked with them about lots of things yet I guess we couldn't fix the part of me that always recoiled from the intimacy with someone. I now feel like a dog that's kicked too long that I just run away rather than try. It's hard to explain. Today I felt so depressed that I started writing a suicide note to my brother and contemplated and have contemplated for a while that I should **** myself. Haven't planned out anything yet but it's a solution that keeps coming to my mind. "Just **** yourself." Over and over again. Because why bother with this life if it's only torture? I know so stupid to say that and I feel bad for saying it but I can't help my feelings. Otherwise I'm going have a death by thousand cuts if I don't do something to help this. I so ****ing wonder how the hell I've ended up here. I so wonder and I can't believe it even myself. So stupid and cruel. Before I was hopeful that it would get "sorted out" somehow in a year or two. Or hell, I don't know what I was even thinking. I've always been too quick to shy away from possible encounters with anybody that it's just silly. So silly that I've done this to myself. That I'm always ruminating about it, always feeling insecure and not myself. Oh yes and recently during this week I have had these accusing thoughts about my first real crush from high school. I was 17 then and felt sure insecure and shit but anyway this girl was to be frank very beautiful. I mean really, now that I think about it. It's funny how afterwards you really notice these things because to be honest I have never seen anyone with as bright and pure eyes as her deep ocean blue. Well then as I thought she had a crush on me too I asked her out to walk back to home after school I think. Aand then that day we were supposed to go, I guess it was the day after, I saw her in the lunch room and didnt umm acknowledge her as I went by soo she stood me up and well you know what happened. After that I never felt so strongly that I'd have asked her out again because **** me, how stupid is that. Nobody to talk to about these things and too shy for my own good, great. And this week I kept thinking why the hell did I do that. Why you only know afterwards how majorly you've ****ed up and although to be fair had I a better upbringing altogether it wouldn't have been such a big deal but since I was raised and molded into this crooked shape it would have been a good decision to relax a little and try again. I've had plenty of same kind of occurrences happen to me afterwards with me being too afraid or too uncomfortable to ask them out. Funny thing is that some times I didn't felt asking somebody out when I met them but later, as I started to understand my stupidity, did aaand they were already taken. Well am I being melodramatic. Yes I guess I should better just accept my low posture and pathetic existence. And then maybe in year be writing this same ****ing post oh I can't stand this. Can't stand myself for doing this to myself. I am so.... I feel dead already. Anyway has anybody has any experience with prostitutes it might be only way for me to get back into intimacy or at least gain some self-confidence to actually try it. It seems bit iffy but I mean what do I have to lose? Hahaha. That or **** myself. Or go on doing this same stupid shit that I've always done which is work and study till I die. I started writing this feeling the most tormenting existential horror I've had in a while and finished feeling just as plain as I'd normally do. Sometimes I feel the pain is in fact helpful and it forces me to do new things to try and get rid off the pain but my way of fixing it haven't been very fruitful... Most isolating about this is that I can't talk to anyone about it as it's too embarrassing to bring up and people I know won't understand me. Making me recede even further and them not understanding that either. If only I had a good friend to talk to who wouldn't judge me but instead help me. If I ever get out of this cycle I want to rescue my brother too as I know he is even worse than I am and **** the world for ****ing me and him up for no reason.
  4. @SugaredSloth Thanks. =) Since now you've fed my ego I'll post one of the better poems of mine (I think). I dunno. You lose the ability to feel a poem after you've read it a couple times. Then you have to wait months or years until you read it again to get the same kind of feeling. I'm sorry for not complementing all of other good poems people have written here but I feel it would simply take too much of my time. I actually don't even read a lot of other people's poetry. Egoistic maybe or just too tired to invest more time in this. Baudelaire though is my favourite and some of his poems like Be Drunk have given me my intensest poem euphorias. Also one thing that I feel I'm always struggling with is the correct grammar since English is not my native language. It's a curious thing that I don't really even bother writing in my mother tongue anymore since I feel its vocabulary is so limiting - I already know most of the words! Writing in English is always a challenge since there is just too many words and different synonyms you can use. (but you don't want to overdo it of course) Too long under the shadowOf the branched treeWith so many types ofLemonsWhat madness drove me toNurture such poor nourishmentKeep watering this pillar of poor judgementMistakes clustered togetherSince the taste of it - so bitterThat bring tears to your eyesToo long have I sufferedThe same displeasureI have grown too attached toThe shelter of its shadowToo keen to the darknessThat emanate all of the different colorsMust I have had made this soDifficultTo pass the fleeting time - sureBut at what costTo save the worlds from crashing downTo save certainty that I have a place under this skyMay it be forever ridden in curses,I still have a place where I am wantedBut if for the sake of follyI would step away from the shadeOf my lemon treeSo tall it has grown, so grandAnd travel, not farTo plant another seedOf something sweeterAn apple, perhapsMaybe it would one day grow to becomeLike the lemon tree I haveAnd I could at lastShare a different cravingWith every minute of passing timeI should be building bridgesNot moatsTaste of them is only lemonsLove is a virtue and so are all good deedsThat grow better tomorrowsMake for better eveningsKeep you warm in the years when those people have passedThey say you should live each dayLike your lastBut I say live like your each goodbyeWould be your finalSo step on this boardAnd pivot yourself by the fulcrumBring your hopes and dreams closerLet go of the hate
  5. I did post here a poem or two a long time ago. Somehow I found this place again and was fascinated how pleasant these poems were. What first caught my eye was @SugaredSloth 's poem that starts with (whispered) I get scared, too, you know. and so on. Very vivid and pleasing to me in its own melancholic way. Tells a story, that's what I like. I don't often well never put my poems out in the world because I've never found out a good way to do it. It's just worthless moaning mostly but it's therapeutic so.. Anyway here's one: Curses, the heavy burden has implanted itselfOn my back, my spine now curved and wearyUnable lift itself to the way it was beforeThe mold of quasimodo I have fitNow unable to change, half-tearyHalf indifferent to everythingThis life will cause me to die over and over againWill it matter? I am sureIt does some days, but not just this dayI will never change - i will changeI will never change - i willTurn into somethingWhy am i so incomplete, so poorSo empty of all soul's strengthTo see the difference it could makeAbandoned on this desert of my own creationSuch pleasant sun burning my eyesUnable to see the nothingnessThe road to hell is paved with good intentionsBut what if you prefer the pain to contentmentWhat if you like draining apathy? - To prove that i am undoneEthereal beings flickering in and out of existenceThe true path, the true reasonIn distance it shinesWhatever malaise that has taken over meWill you not let me be? Will you not let me live?The life i was promised, promised, promised...Only this flaccid vaguenessOf my own stupidity can lend my brain to spill out these wordsOnly the depth of my illness can ache me to say this to myselfThe ego embalming itself into a rigid structureTo keep me from toiling under darknessBut now i am all empty from the choices that i've done and beg not to be questionedShadowborn, unreadyI have to find a way to somehow wake up and change something about meBut why is it so hard...Barely a human nowBarely breathing, just polluting this airWith my foul carbon dioxideJust stop this wheel from turning, nevermoreQuench this flame from burningBecause soon i am obsoleteAnd dead
  6. Well for me exercise helps a lot. Regularly going to the gym and pushing yourself to the limit feels good after you get used to it. Brief catharsis. But it's still momentary, a temporay fix. It won't cure your brain, I've noticed. Hmm I don't know really. I've noted that often depression stems from being stuck in a position from which you don't have strength to pull out from. Prison that is too strong to break free from. You'd want to but you don't know how. But I belive in small steps! If you don't want to "expose" yourself and get real help you can eat healthy if you don't already. I didn't use to eat much vegetables but now I put a huge pile each time on my plate. Exercise is too very helpful as I said. Biological necessity really that body needs to function properly. What else yes, the feeling of belonging is something that I think is immensenly important and lacking it even in slightest start to turn your brains inside out. Or just slightly neglected in the group. Oof. I don't know why but probably it's just a biological circuit that's super powerful in our brains that we require. It's very good that you found the strength to write out your pain as facing your depression head on is I feel the best way to cope with it. Doesn't cure it but makes it easier to deal with it. It almost starts to feel like you don't have it but the brain knows if something is not right and will come punching you down when it thinks it's the time. But if you start regularly exercise, start eating healthy and if you live in a dark country remember to take your D-vitamin that should be some kind of remedy. It's so ... silly how we let ourselves be warped into these shapes of utter debilitation. Molds from which can't break free from. Postures locked in time, eternally looping these defective neural pathways. Well I wish you to the best, stranger! Remember that you're not alone in this world even though you might feel like it and those feelings of reinvigoration and fulfillment are just as easy to feel as the bad ones. You just have to discover how.
  7. Well since the topic here seems to be bit dark I might aswell pull out some of the poems that I wrote only when I'm feeling so sad that I have to put my mind into something which enables me to pour it out: eyes turned around and gazing into the bottom of your crisp broken self here is the weakened one! here is his soring caricature of noble soul here is his broken thoughts, here they lie with black mud coming from the gaps between hysterical tearfulness and the emptied places where you can hear the music playing playing its dreadful song didn't you want to sing once? once when you thought it could make you feel like you had something that other's didn't have other's didn't know; that you had that you had, you had - absolutely nothing finish your tears eradicate your hearing if you need to just stop wallowing in this mire of joylesness just stop thinking and let your soul come alive I proceed as you wish and I let the thoughts leave my mind but comes the bubbling mud with all of its menaces so I'm clinging to my only hope of surviving: entering the insanity laughter filled with weird, perplexed thoughts and no one to hear me dying And here's another one in the same go: cancer that eats in the bones of men like trees are hollowed out by the parasites and fungi we love and fear losing the tenderness we protect the most so what could be worse than have our dreams drained away by the gloomy hyphae why can't the shaking hands snuff out the wicked malady and restart the heart this disease has sickened me and rottened me to the core just like the dreams told me of all the faiths you chose to have me licked by the putrid tongues and absorb my body to a husk to vanish we all must and the judgement is not ours to cast yet the battle is still to be fought and not one mournful evening can bend my trunk to fall
  8. Well writing all that down I think helped a bit. Maybe it's medication too. And thanks for replies. The reason for maybe getting angry is probably bullying I experienced briefly when I was 13. I was junior at the school (different system than in states) and it set kinda a dark tone having to experience that on your first year. But I got better, I think, until I went to so-called high school with students from 15-18. Anyway I felt left out there in a way as this one class-mate of mine felt the need to hit people in their weak spots. So it ironed me but also alienated me as I'd then pull back from becoming 'real' friends with people. Perhaps having gone to psychologist back then would have helped a lot more than doing it now but better later than never I guess. And exercising properly is really important I've noted that too. Often my period of sadness resolves when I get the energy to go to the gym and do a good workout. A metaphor I might use is I'm like a broken jar that has to be submerged into something burning or fizzling liquid at regular intervals to not to let it run out. Funnier or sadder or something indifferent thing is that I see people around me that might be feeling down too but I feel that I can't help them as I'm too deep in my own wallowing. I am fearful of expressing myself completely maybe because of the rejection I've experienced in the past. Or that no none would care either way, only categorize me as a more stranger fella than they first thought. But the anger or whatever it is that fuels me is the only reason I can go on like this. Like I'm living in a self-indulged denial that if I uncover my world would collapse.
  9. Thanks. Last night I was feeling quite down and felt that I needed to do something out of the ordinary. Alex's post resonated with me as I also kinda write in a same way and think about same stuff and thought why not say something. Other reason might be that I've been going to psychologist for a half year but felt that I haven't been able say all the things that have been burdening my heart. At first I cried on every visit at some point. Last few times been more like talking about regular that I might talk to a friend. But thank god for medication and sunshine, I feel a lot better now.
  10. I came here looking for solace and to be inspired. But it seems that all I read about is the same desolation I've been dealing with its unending nuances. People with trauma, PTSD, all sorts of anxiety. And that coupled with some 'regular' sources such as financial status, love, relationships in general. I mean I guess it should make me feel better to be able put my own problems in perspective but gosh. It's like I am staring into a mirror with a future that I don't want to see. I try to be happy, I do. But something just eats away the idealism that I feel I need to become 'old-me' again. Always feeling angry towards things that somehow remind maybe of myself or something from my past. My relationship with my mother sure is tricky one as I feel like I can't spend more than couple minutes talking to her before completely becoming fed up with her stupidity. I just don't know anymore. And now I'm here. Gathering up my courage for tomorrow's atonement for my emotional disabilities. Asking of why I do things certain (and often bad) way has become redundant. It's only damage-control anymore. Steering the wheel to crash into something more pleasant than deep social inhibitions. Something though that I've noticed and gained from this is this capability for very very very detached analyzing of my own, or other's for that matter, actions. Another form of madness I guess. So I'm feeling incredibly sad but somehow I manage to look ahead, kinda, and keep myself busy with some work I've got obsessed about doing. Only time I feel happy is when I'm working like a maniac, never having enough time to think about my own issues. I keep telling myself to stop this somehow. Anyway, somehow. Like for instance I am able to talk to girls at my university. Make acquaintances. But somehow I feel like I'd have to force myself into liking the other person. It's like there's too much anger that I must release before I could hold an interest long enough to ask her out. And on other occasion I'm too afraid to even let my emotions out as I kinda have created huge self-defenses. It's all too upsetting and I hope whoever reads this can have some consolation that I'm beyond autistic now; I've become a space-wizard with eyes coming from lasers. Okey it's very late and I should get some sleep. I feel a little better having mocked death into its face with my words yet again. You know I sometimes doubt so much will I ever become happy doing computer science. My first choice of career was (or at least I was writing a book at the time) writer. But since I do not want to become some wilted-looking bum who's just above poverty line I chose this. But is the monotony of programming and the company of robotic people too high a price for this little joy I get from writing stuff. (note: I don't want to mock anybody. note note: if there is people living just above poverty line please do not take offense) Hmm but probably should leave it some other day when I wasn't supposed to be reading for my exam. But when you're depressed you should be doing other things. Though doesn't change the fact that exam exists and should be treated accordingly. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
  11. I enjoy your writing style, Alex! I too feel like I am at the worse end of life, again. Seems like I somehow manage to block out the bad things for a while, allowing me to do , then noticing afterwards that my work was really all for nothing. Stopped my medication for a month only to realize on this beautiful spring day that my brain can't handle the unblurred reality. I often write poetry when I'm feeling sad but now it feels, again, like worthless moaning. On the other day I wrote, when I wasn't feeling that sad, this one which is still unfinished but here it is just to prove my word: a beetle left strange marks crawling across the sandbox searching for something what did persuade the antennas to keep following such a bleak trail all this way towards box's edge that was exactly the same as the one it started from vacant and dull and pointless why did it choose to embark on such a useless journey? waste its precious energy advancing nowhere you fool! you worthless bug! you do not even have enough brains to comprehend your own stupidity I wonder if one day you will be caught by a bird or another animals so they can end your invalid flailing inside your chitin shell lies only few primordial instincts that seem to work at half the capacity time flies, my small inane friend you must choose wisely from now on where you set your aims my heart weeps quietly when it sees all of your efforts go in vain as if the instability of my existence echoes to your mindless wandering my six-legged friend validate now your folly travels and eat amply, proliferate and live
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