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Posts posted by MysteryName

  1. 12 hours ago, posie_riot said:

    One other thing I forgot to mention @MysteryName is that the less we do on a day to day basis, the harder it is to do anything. Most people actually get more done when they're busy, because they get a momentum going. I felt way more capable of getting things done when I was busy and in uni than I do now that I'm just loafing around. Nowadays, even reading a book (for fun) seems like an effort somehow. I'm on the Internet all the time. Inactivity produces laziness, which then produces inactivity, and it's a constant cycle that can become difficult to break. You've done well to book a career advising appointment. That's a step. That will help break the cycle - or at the very least, it'll throw a small wrench in it. It might not be what "saves" you, but all we can do is take small steps. A career counselling appointment might be the next step. Just take it easy. 

    That paragraph you wrote that I quoted above...you've just described more or less what nearly everyone with an education is going through these days. I only did a four-year honours bachelor's degree and I still feel like I was trapped in a relatively useless (practically speaking) academic bubble that didn't prepare me in any way for a career. I did well in school as a kid and went on to do what I thought I was "supposed" to do (post-secondary), only to find that the path to success is full of ridiculous twists and turns. In this day and age, I'm not exactly overqualified to work in a supermarket.  But I do have 0 work experience on my resume. I'm a university grad and yes...I have zero work experience. None. Why would a supermarket hire me over someone who didn't go to school but instead has four (or more) years of practical work experience? So I'm strangely "overqualified" for a job like that (...if you want to look at it that way), but I'm also under-qualified for jobs in my field. This is a major reason why I don't even want to look for work. Even if I get a supermarket job, I'm still going to have to search for more suitable jobs in my spare time because I have to consider my future. I have to somehow carve out a path towards making my degree useful. It's stressful as hell. I know I'm not in the exact same situation as you, but what you said resonated with me and I felt like ranting. 

    Sorry I missed this bit.

    That's kind of what I meant by overqualified. It's not that I think I'm above those jobs - it's just that they don't want a 30 year old who has spent the past 10 years in uni rather than doing anything remotely relevant to what they're hiring for. Or maybe I'm just making excuses as it feels like I'd be giving up to spend the rest of my life as an outcast - that guy who wasted 8 years as a student to spend the rest of his life as a supermarket checkout assistant. I also know that the less skilled the job is the worse I'd feel if I got rejected from it. It'd feel like I have no options.

    Being overqualified for some jobs and underqualified for others and ending up not qualified for anything - that pretty much sums up how the world seems to work these days. You say you do a bit of volunteering so that must be relevant experience for something. If you find a way of meeting people - clubs or societies or meetup.com or even online forums - then I think having contacts, finding a mentor, is supposed to be the main way of breaking this catch-22. I know anxiety makes that hard, I'm finding it hard right now. In theory I do have possible contacts although I really don't know what I'm supposed to say to them or ask them. I'm hoping the careers appointment might at least clear that up - you had one?

  2. 24 minutes ago, OpalP25 said:

    It's nice that your CO would probably react positively to your feelings for him. As for mine, to be honest I think he'd be embarrassed by how I feel about him... I actually saw an interview with him a few weeks ago where he was asked if he had any obsessive fans (!) and he said there's a woman who is always waiting for him at the airport every single time he comes home, without fail. He didn't seem to mind - I think he actually finds it quite funny. But in a way I think I'm much worse than that woman! She probably just enjoys seeing and meeting him, without entertaining any realistic hopes of a relationship with him, whereas a very mad part of my mind actually believes I have a genuine chance... :help: I mean, I'd never act like that, because I don't want him to see my as just another obsessive fan. I want him to feel the same way about me as I do about him... That's why I think he'd find my obsession a lot more awkward, if he ever found out about it (which he won't)!

    Regardless of what goes on in your own mind (and you have no idea what kind of disturbed stuff goes on in other peoples minds!) actions are the only thing a star can see and that could creep them out, so she sounds far worse than you from his point of view and yet he just found it funny. You have nothing to worry about. Just the fact you'd say you'd never act like that shows awareness, which is what makes the difference (echoing what posie-riot said to me!)

  3. 19 hours ago, LibraLady1962 said:

    Nobody cares about me and all I get from my family is someone telling me how to do things like drive a car or move that cat scratching post as someone will trip over it and its dangerous.  well if they watched where they are going then they wouldn't trip over it.    Also,    I feel so invisible with my family on jobs that have to be done.  For over a year now I wanted to redo my bedroom like get new curtains, get a closet organizer and all I've done is paint it.   Now they are redoing the kitchen with new appliances, cabinet door knobs and counter top.      My job has gone to the side lines.   Even my job of finishing the painting in the second bedroom in the basement has gone on hold because my parents who I live with wanted the outdoor window and door frames and garage door to be painted.   I never finish a job.   there's always something else to get done or a new project to do.   I'm fed up with all this.    I have had bad looking curtains in my bedroom for years and nothing has been done.    I pay rent every month to my parents as I"m on disability and some or the money goes to that.     I'm so tired and fed up with all of this.   Even my OC doesn't help me.     I'm so lost and confused. 

    My god I've just read this post. I feel for you and think you really do need to have a serious chat with your parents. You're painting rent, you're an adult, you're on disability so that you have time to focus on getting better - in a sense that's why they give you that money - and it sounds like to some extent you are being deprived of the chance to focus on that. Please I hope you can make your parents understand that. I don't know how, I just hope you find a way.

  4. Wow. I can't believe I just shared my CO's photos! I wanted to post a video but they usually have her name/her bands name in the link. I feel as though still photos never quite do justice to the mesmerising animated nature of her beauty. And every video just oozes her incredible humour, sweetness, quirkiness.

    Wow I deliberately make a collage out of her and post it here and then gush like that and yet I desperately ask how NOT to be creepy?! 

    Yesterday evening I did a little better in avoiding the internet than I normally do these days (which isn't saying much) but didn't avoid it completely and I did get out on a nice long bike.

    @Miss Pedantic Thank you! Thank you so much! It did really help! I hadn't actually managed anything when I wrote that - either exercise or organising therapy. I hadn't left the house for a week. I have now at least managed that although finding the right therapist still seems a terrifying process so haven't managed that one yet :( You're right that other people end up in this situation. It is just that it feels so permanent to me given my complete inability to make any productive action and lack of options. But I guess there is a big gap between "fixing it now" and "permanent". I guess with the extra help I clearly need compared to normal healthy functional people it'll take me a bit longer - months before I can properly start and a year or more before I'm back on my feet. Who knows. But that still isn't the same as the rest of my life.

    As for my illness - you see I went to see a GP 8 years ago. I was really miserable then although my life wasn't a mess as it is now. He made me fill out a form and answer a few questions and then said I wasn't depressed. I can't go to the doctor now. If the same thing happens again and he sends me away as a time waster then that confirms 100% what I suspected - that I really am just a worthless failure who doesn't put the effort in. Therapists over the years have said mixed things: that I may need to see a doctor and probably have depression, anxiety, personality disorders or that I don't need to see a doctor and probably don't have any of those things. But they have always said I need to be in long term therapy - that I have long term issues, going on for years, and really need to stay in therapy and that I have some of the worst self esteem problems they've seen. I don't even understand this contrast, and it bothers me because sometimes the only conclusion is that I'm a useless person rather than a sick person. I don't get it. 

    Finally, it was almost an eerie coincidence for me when you revealed who your CO is considering how often my CO's band is compared to your CO's band. I do like his band! Hilarious sitcom! And he is a very attractive man (Yes. I'm straight and male but I can appreciate haha!).

    @Audrey822 Wow! You did it! I'm so proud of you! I don't have mastery of the internet pics like you do haha so I'll just stick with saying well done! And thanks for the encouragement!

    @posie_riot You responded to my entire post! I can't begin to say how grateful I am that someone took the time to go through the whole of that monstrous essay that I was feeling pretty ridiculous about posting (especially as I ALWAYS do that hah!). I've said it before that it is so reassuring to see someone who feels a similar way, although I don't want anyone to feel like this.

    I seem to have messed up the quoting tool but hopefully you'll see which part I'm referring to:

    I think closure was a pretty stupid word to use. I just want to see her and wanted to think it was for some other reason than just me being obsessed. I'm not going to try and see her when I'm obsessed anyway - it'll have to be when I'm back on my feet again and probably just have a crush on her and admire her. My CO knows very well how loved she is. She sees it in half the comments she receives. I don't see how she could possibly see me any differently. None of the others have made it to this forum. I keep on dreading that one will turn up and I don't know how I'll handle that. I have seen very obsessive fans of her elsewhere. She is so compassionate though and sees everything in a positive way, that majorly comes across in interviews and makes me love her even more, so I hope you are right about how she'd see it. 

    The thing is in many ways I've had pretty good luck. I know I'm privileged. But then I suppose not getting yourself into the vicious cycle to begin with, the cycle I mentioned before - inactivity -> low self esteem -> mind escaping -> more inactivity -> lower self esteem etc. , is a sort of luck. Escaping it can seem to involve a lot of tiny pathetic achievements (I mean what kind of achievement is doing some exercise when you're unemployed and have 24 hours a day?) but when it comes to getting out of vicious cycles like this ANYTHING is an achievement. Society focuses too much on some forms of luck and not others. Somehow we have to make it through life with whatever messed up mind we've been given, not just with whatever financial background we've been given. Everyone knows about the latter - the former not so much. We can't sit on our ass all day and make excuses though, everyone always says that only us can drag ourselves out of our holes, but maybe the first step in dragging ourselves out of our holes is just getting a therapist or a careers interview - rather than somehow finding the motivation to find a job right now. Small steps.

    Thanks so much for the creepiness bit as well. I spend so much time on reddit threads where the supposed good guys, the ones calling out creepy aggressive men, talk a lot about neckbeards sat in their basement complaining about how women don't like them when they have no life and never even meet women. I know which side I am on, given that, well, I'm sat in my basement (not literally) with no life obsessing over a woman I've never met. But I guess there aren't just two sides. The reddit guys would put me into the neckbeard box but that's just because people like putting each other into whatever box almost sort of fits. It doesn't matter. All that matters is what you said, not trying to force myself on anyone.

    Wow it really does sound like you had the same epiphany! What can we do? Our mind has got hooked on a person we can never truly know. We didn't choose for that to happen. If I had a choice I'd much rather develop a crush on someone I know so I actually stand a chance at real love. But I didn't have a choice. None of us had much choice in this I'd say. I think we are all appreciation the actual person as much as is really possible given the circumstances.

    @HopelessRomantic2011 Nice! His hair makes me jealous as it's a big improvement on the Jason Statham look I've ended up rocking. I can see why posie wants shampoo recommendations haha.

    @perfectcircle77 - I'm not familiar with your CO except that he reminds me of an old uni friend of mine. He has a very warm smile! Damn I wished I'd included some more smiley pics of my CO. Don't know if I want to keep posting pics of her - it feels creepy enough with just posting once.

    Why do you think women outnumber men so much in this thread? I know there are a few other men out there who post every now and then but not many. This is partly why I go on about feeling creepy so much, because it feels as though celebrity obsessions are more acceptable for a women, for a straight man it wanders dangerously close to deranged stalker she needs a restraining order against territory. Not that I am :( I feel if in some hypothetical situation where my CO confronts me about these posts I'd have to make it clear that this is just a temporary symptom that I'm working on fixing. I'm not a freak - just a regular guy who right now is in a low, and his brain has done weird things to him during that low. It's temporary and I just want to be a regular fan that likes you for your work, and I do. I don't want to pretend I can get a date with you or anything. 

  5. Hi All,

    I've been pretty much constantly reading this forum. I just didn't feel I had anything to contribute . It's now almost 4am again but these thoughts are racing through my head and I have to get them out.

    Well now it's almost a month now into the absolute decay of MysteryName (seriously don't why I even chose that username. Think it's because some people call themselves anonymous and I chose a synonym). That is now almost an entire month spent 100% on the internet, none of it productive, most of it looking at CO. I'm not even looking after myself any more. My parents are away, I'm not eating properly, my hygiene standards have slipped, my sleeping patterns are completely screwed. I haven't left my house all week. I am rotting from inside. My body, my mind. I imagine something related to my CO and it makes me run around the room like a mad man. I'm going mad, like a caged chicken.

    I am beginning to live my ultimate nightmare. The combination of unemployment and living with parents leading to a state of absolute withdrawal from the world that is permanent, that lasts until my parents die at which point, god knows, my brain probably short circuits and I drop dead too. At least I hope so. The ultimate permanent basement dweller. I know thousands of other people live with the unemployment and living with parents combination but for me it means I can't even talk to my friends. People talk about their lives. Things are happening in all my friends lives, big things. How can I even meet up with a regular human who has to time meetups around working when I'm feeling guilty about being free all the time? This life for me will ultimately lead to being completely shut off from the outside world and never leaving my room while making my parents, the only people I see, more and more horrified. And for me this is the ultimate vision of hell. Nothing could be worse. I know that sounds like something a spoiled brat would say. I could be starving on the streets or bed bound. But try to understand my messed up sheltered brat logic which is this: any other trauma is at least a recognised trauma - something that, sadly, the world throws at a lot of people because it's a mean world out there. Whereas the complete shut in status is (instead of something the world throws at you) a reflection of 100% complete failure as a human being, a sign that you just quite simply can't do life, that your mind and personality simply does not work! 

    The effect of heading for this hell is this:

    The only thing standing between me and the nightmare is my ability to find a job. Once I have a job I can move out from my parents house and begin to bring my life back together again. My own motivation is the only thing standing between me and the chasm. And right now my own discipline is at the point where I can't complete 1 simple task despite having 24 hours 7 days a week in which to do it (I mean how does that even work?!). That is a LOT of pressure on something non functional! Too much pressure. And so the effect of this pressure is panic that leads to my mind running away from my reality and flying off to live in CO land. This means that my discipline gets even lower which means the pressure is on something even less functional which means my mind flies away even further and its a vicious cycle. This is the root of my problems. This is where my CO addiction comes from and why its getting worse and worse.

    If I ever do survive this mess I can see silver linings though. Sinking this low will make me appreciate any person I become. I really believe that if I survive I can achieve what I have never achieved before - gaining self confidence. I have despised myself pretty much my entire life. I have never truly been happy. I compared myself to everyone I met and every single time came out worse. But now I look back at who I was and think that that is a person I could live with being. I wish I had appreciated myself. I think back to last year when I was a scientist. I was an awful awful scientist (hence why I'm not anymore), but at least I was scientist for 2 years. That has to count for something. I have a doctorate. True, that isn't very hard especially at a bottom rung (well not quite, but pretty irrelevant) uni. True I got through it by bluffing and talking around the holes that would have rendered my research useless and by having a great advisor but it has to count for at least a little something. I had hobbies. I was never very good at them. But that is better than doing nothing. I lived independently, I cooked and cleaned and managed my finances pretty well (hence while I'm able to travel and be unemployed for a while). I was useless at any adult task except the basics but at least I was an adult of some sort. I didn't think so at the time but having seen life now from the underside I will in future have a more positive attitude.

    This little paragraph of sort of positivity doesn't help me now though as unless I sort myself out and somehow get a job it will never happen and instead my ultimate nightmare will. So what can I do?! I think what I have to accept is I can't do this alone for starters. I have booked a careers advise interview. I doubt it will be useful but I just felt like I had to do something and trying to learn new skills from websites wasn't working so it was all I could do. I am completely and utterly incapable of avoiding browsing the internet though. Every single day for a month I tell myself it will be different.  Every single day it hasn't been. I've tried every technique imaginable. I turn off the internet and plan rewards and everything. It just doesn't work. 

    Time doesn't seem to work for me anymore. What feels like 1 minute browsing CO related stuff turns out to be an hour. I finally force myself to look at something I'm trying to program or write or at a job advert and 1 minute seems to take an hour. Even if I am forcing myself monumentally not to browse the web and feeling good about succeeding it turns out it was only for 5 minutes. I then get depressed and return to the web. If I avoid the web my mind still doesn't work. I think about CO. I need to solve actual problems but my mind is 100% on CO. I can't focus on the screen, I get up and pace around talking to myself about my CO. I want to get out of the house and exercise but every day I have to know if finally I can avoid the internet at least a little bit first before I leave the house. I fail and then don't leave the house.   

    I need to get her out of my head!

    As I've said I think the only way to break out of this cycle is by accepting that I have to get help. In addition to the careers interview I absolutely need therapy. And not just talking therapy. I need some technique that is going to get her out of my brain and break me out of this cycle. I know therapists can't remove part of my brain. I have to do it myself. But there has to be something? My last therapist said try CBT but she and her contacts are at the opposite end of the country now. I don't even know how to look for therapists. Finding a good one seems to be everything but they don't even seem reviewed and I don't even know if reviewing therapists makes sense - I'm scared - a bad one could be the final straw. I never found a therapist before. It was always either the uni's student therapy service for 8 years or then a therapist I was referred to by occupational health when I had my meltdown at work.

    I guess I'm being treated for addiction, as that's what both my CO and the internet is. But I also have absolutely no idea how to even begin to search for a job and I have such a vast amount of anxiety about this that I think I need careers counselling too. More than a mere careers advice interview provided free by the council can do (which is of course aimed at normal functional sane people).

    I'm so stuck. One thing that got me into this depressed cycle was discovering just how vast the number of skills I needed for the jobs I was supposed to be sort of qualified for are. How do I teach myself all this when I can't even tear myself from the internet? I need personal projects! contributions to the open source community, blog posts etc. etc. When nothing interests me how do I compete with techie whizz kids who have been obsessed with all this sort of stuff and doing it since they were 10? How do I even begin to create the same body of work? How do I get a job when my career record so far basically says "f-ed up the last one"? And these are for the sort of jobs I'm supposed to be qualified for! I can't train for something completely different now, what would I even train for? And everything else I'm either overqualified or completely unqualified for. I've been living in the bubble of a rubbish uni for 10 years learning the basic applied bit of the skills without learning the depth I actually need! Every single path seems blocked. Even working at a supermarket would mean turning up as a 30 year old with 10 years of my CV suspiciously absent (as even people with just one degree are considered overqualified for that sort of job - in my case I'd have to remove 10 years of degree + job!)

    What can I do?

    All I can do is focus on the now I suppose. I need at least some strategy for tomorrow (hell, it IS tomorrow! 5:40 am!) so I at least do something and manage to get out and cycle. I try rewarding myself with viewing my CO but I do that all the time anyway! I'm not disciplined enough to restrict it to one time! I'd really really like to post a photo of her here, as some of you are now doing with your CO's now I notice. It's a ridiculous reward and maybe a stupid mistake but maybe at least thinking that if I stay off the internet for a day and get out for a cycle ride I will post her photo the day after will be enough. Maybe I won't even want to post a photo of her afterwards anyway. I get about it making you feel exposed. But I have to try something. 

    I mean it's lost anyway. If she finds this forum she'll know I'm talking about her anyway. Some of you know my CO anyway from the clues I gave when I first arrived. Nothing more to lose except avoiding making it google-able. Lots of guys post to her social media that they find her very attractive and then lots of people respond to them calling them creeps. I have this paranoia that some day, one of the responses to the creeps will be along the lines of "you think this guy is bad! I found some loser online who writes essays every now and then about how empty his life is and how "in love" he is with _____ ". Or that I'll find this forum linked on reddit or something and they'll specifically mention "this basement dwelling loser called MysteryName who is obsessed with _____ _______ is the worst!" and then she'll see it from google alerts or something. What can I do? That's part of the reason I've been on this forum less, but at the end of the day if she sees it she'll know. A photo will make no difference.

    I feel as though I really need to see her perform some day. Bring some closure to this mess. Meet her afterwards - they do meet and greets. I know this may seem unwise but I have to. Oh god if she reads this the thought that the ultracreep will one day meet her hiring extra security and tracking my IP to get a restraining order or something. Basically it is of absolute essential importance that when I meet her I'm a functional human being, rather than a comatose slug obsessed with her. If anything that should be an incentive, in case I needed more incentive to escape my hell. I'd need to fly to America (the right city wherever they're performing), and an excuse to fly there because flying across the Atlantic just to see a band perform is not what functional non obsessed people do. Imagine if it didn't even work out!   

    Am I the ultra creep though? Am I creep? How do I know? When I was travelling I met lots of girls and none of them seemed repulsed by me. I never hit on any. Sort my life out first - that's the aim. One even hit on me, but that was a little strange and across a cultural divide (local girl not backpacker in an extremely far flung part of the world) and I think it's because I was a white foreigner. But I can't read social cues. How do you indicate that a guy is creeping you out? What sort of guys are creepy? I don't think I'm a creep.

    And so next time I'm here I'll post a photo of her and a message to her to try and justify how horrible all this must look to her, just in case, you never know. I feel really guilty about my obsession. I have to get rid of it. I listened to an interview with her recently. over 2 hours and so intimate. It was absolutely exhilarating. Never before had I thought I'd got to know her as much. But I also got a little chill that I'd been actually dehumanizing this extraordinary brilliant and super sweet and likeable woman. She felt like more of an actual person to me than ever before. She is somewhere right now having her own thoughts and to me she was just a vision. Not just physical, true, but still a sort of vision. If that makes sense.

    My "relationship" with her (god that word in this context makes me cringe) does seem phonier and more ridiculous now than ever. Jealously has been hitting me hard lately. Every corner I turn I see more and more guys with a crush on her. I spend hours on reddit simultaneously trying to figure out just how many guys crush on her while trying to avoid finding out, if that makes sense. Like we do with our CO's relationships. Skirting round the edges. Looking at "who is your celebrity crush" threads and avoiding "who is your unconventional celebrity crush" threads as I know she is always near the top of the latter. Whenever I'd see her name it'd be like a shot to the heart. Partly jealously but partly also realising that there is nothing emotional and real here. The more guys I see into her the more I feel I've fallen for an idea, everyone says that about celeb crushes don't they? I wanted something special with her, of course that's all fake as I'll never know her personally, but in reality I am just one of the horde of guys who are the right type to always fall for her. The zombie horde. The creep horde. Maybe it could be predicted mathematically - a particular type of weird lonely guy is guaranteed to fall for her - and I've fallen harder than I can cope with.

    Sorry, once again, for the ridiculously long post and for not responding to anyone else. When I'm next here, maybe with photo, I'll have another read through everything you've all wrote. I can at least say I'll be here for you on the 6th @Audrey822 . Thanks for reading.


    On 8/14/2016 at 1:26 AM, posie_riot said:

    @MysteryName I think that avoiding him on social media is mostly a good thing too - I just have moments where I wonder if I made the right choice. I don't know exactly what I fear regarding this birth. I mean, I already know that the baby exists so what difference does it really make if it's in or out of the womb? I think I'm just a little freaked out by how much I'm distancing myself from a man I once cared so deeply about. How can I not know when the baby is born? How can I not find out if it's a boy or a girl or what they chose to name him or her? It's just weird. Not too long ago, I cared about my CO more than just about anything on earth. I imagined a future with him. I knew his every move. He couldn't do or say anything publicly without me knowing about it and having an opinion. I know how much it means to him to become a father, yet I'm just going to do what...pretend the child doesn't exist? It's bizarre. It's so weird to be in this position of having to ignore the most significant thing that's ever happened to him. At one point in time I wanted to know things like where he went for dinner and if he got a haircut. I just don't want to be heartbroken by a photo, or a cheesy "congratulations" message or anything like that. I'm fragile. It's a lose-lose situation. 

    Even though I'm younger than you, one thing I will say is that I've always been "different" from others - mostly due to rather extreme shyness and introversion. I've really written myself off (much like you have with yourself). I feel like it doesn't matter than I'm young because I'm never going to get any "better" than this anyway. I'll still be dealing with all the same issues at 30, 35, 40 etc. Gosh, the thought of an oracle giving me the low down on what I'm in for sounds amazing. Maybe if I know with certainty that I'll never be who I want to be, I'll learn to practise some acceptance and stop hoping. My biggest fear is actually that I'll never meet anyone or be satisfied enough with anyone in real life to settle down and have a family. It sounds like such a simple thing, but I'm scared of being a childless spinster :cat_jumps:

    What do you actually want in the long run? If my obsession with her goes down a little I almost feel as though an important part of me, my obsession for her, is becoming lost. I then remind myself that that's not what I really want for myself. What I want most of all is to become a functional person, with a job and a social life and who creates things (like she does). I want to be inspired by her, not controlled by her. I can understand feeling like you've betrayed him if you aren't following his every haircut just because that's what you were doing - but the way you were clearly caused discomfort, hence you being on this forum. And yeah the baby is rather more significant than the hair cuts and so not following that is even harder. It's like jumping in the deep end or going cold turkey as part of the process of reaching a level of love for him which is still strong but doesn't hurt you as much: of course it's going to be painful or weird for a while.

    I've always been different too. I remember saying all through primary and secondary school how I didn't fit in. I said it to my head of year who I ended up having regular meetings with because I had special attention on me due to being on some special needs list for rather vague reasons - made me feel even more different. I had no friends in the earlier days and used to lash out at anyone who I thought was teasing me and got in trouble.

    ironically though, I now wish I could go back to those days. I wish I could go back to just being different rather than being a non functional comatose blob. If I could just become functional I'd be proud to be different. Different becomes more and more of a good thing the older you get. A lot of people find different attractive, especially when they learn to accept that they are different themselves. Hell, one of the things that attracts me to my CO is how she is different! 

    With dating I like to think people become less shallow in general as they get older. They certainly want different things. Who knows? It's so damn confusing sometimes I think all you can do is cut through all the complexities of the long term and just think that dates are nice on their own and we'll just think of them as just that for the time being. What happens happens. I'd like to get to the point where I can at least try to date but I have pretty much accepted being a childless bachelor. Even when I had a job and lived independently pretty much every single thing that is ever considered unattractive came together in me.

    Why are you so sure you'll still be dealing with the same issues at 30, 35, 40? Are you looking for a job and to move out or, like me, are you struggling to even begin? Because when those things happen that changes everything for a start. Well, that's maybe a bit of a strong way of putting it, nothing changes everything, but it at least gives you a start.

    13 hours ago, BluesDeluxe said:

    I agree about that, we really can't help it with such a little amount of control and such. I kind of think that shame is gonna be there regardless cause it's kind of part of being human. But I think more than anything, what we all need is to find some contentment with ourselves, to learn how to love/respect ourselves. At the very least to try to anyway, not to sound so cliché anything. I do think also that whatever improvements that would be made would be more genuine and actually work, if stemming from a more positive place, in theory anyway.

    This is why I need to find SOMETHING, no matter how small, to actually accomplish. Even just getting this belated travel "blog" (not really a blog 3 months late hah- but it's at least something I've started) out the way. It's hard sometimes to feel proud of tiny things when everyone else is accomplishing big things and just doing the tiny things on the side without even noticing, but then they didn't start from a position of being in a no energy no motivation mega mess. From that starting point even the tiniest thing is an achievement. Well... I need to somehow see it like that. Not that I can even do the tiniest things :(


  7. Yeah, I'll be honest when I saw some of your previous posts a couple weeks ago actually, I got a bit of a lump in my throat. Lol. Cause I saw some similarities that were impossible to ignore in your description of your CO.

    Wow I really can't this out of my head now. About to PM you, if you don't mind. 

    I like the argument about drugs too because it gives us more reason not to feel ashamed. We can't help it. Although really I think I need a bit of shame. This obsession is ruining my life. I need to force it out of my brain.

    20 hours ago, screwygirl said:

    Here is something that helped me. Use your CO as an inspiration. What are your CO's interests?...hobbies....likes....dislikes....? Try one of those. You just need to find a muse...something to get you started. Let me ask you this: are there some obstacles in your life that seem to shut you down at every turn?

    I've discovered that my obsessions happen when I feel trapped by something. Are you feeling trapped in your life?


    I am completely and utterly trapped by my inability to concentrate on any task for longer than 30 seconds, the fact my brain just simply doesn't work - no creativity, no focus or ability to engage on any problem. The fact I have no career prospects AT ALL! I'm trained and in theory experienced in a technical career that I, in reality, just don't measure up in and don't have much interest in. Combined with the fact my brain is dying due to living with parents and being unemployed. I can't survive here and need out QUICK but with no job prospects - where do I go?

    I may have the flu though right now. At the very least a really bad cold. It doesn't help. Maybe I'll be able to gain some ability to mentally function back after I recover physically, although it's not like I was functional before I got sick either.

    My CO has more of an extraordinary range of skills and hobbies than anyone, most of which she has somehow incorporated into her varied career. She's the exact opposite of me who now has nothing. And that extreme distinction just hurts. The only one we share is cartoons and I guess I wrote comedy, in the form of sketches, during my stint in the drama society back in grad school. Now I'm just ashamed of how UTTERLY AWFUL my cartoons are! Completely unfunny they barely make sense! No one even bothers looking at the cartoons I've created any more. I'd be wasting my time to even do the next series I was planning. I have no ideas for sketches either anymore and no one to perform them, although back in the day amazingly some were actually popular.

    Earlier I found a new 1 hour radio interview with her. It discussed everything about her life and rise to fame. It was so exciting. It did make me feel strangely guilty about the times I'd waxed lyrical about how sweet, beautiful, adorable and quirky she is - talking about her in a childlike or objectifying way - seemingly diminishing the fact that she's also incredibly hardworking, determined, focused, smart, talented and tough too I guess as almost the only woman in her niche. Everything I am not. She's incredible. She even shared a life philosophy that I could learn from:

    - no one else can do exactly what you do so do it (in terms of creative pursuits) -.

    Feels weird taking life advice from my CO herself but she's right.
    And of course her incredibly charming happy go lucky cheeriness came through in every sentence.

    Anyway, that wasn't meant to turn into a gush...

    @posie_riot well done for avoiding your CO on social media, even if you're not sure if it's a good thing or not. To me it does sound like a good thing. Something I have not managed. So you're worried without checking up on him directly you'll get the wrong date, miss news of the birth as it arrives, and this would hurt you? In the long run do you want to tone down your obsession with your CO or is it just because right now is a painful period? If you do want to tone it down to save yourself as much heartache in future practicing distancing yourself seems worth any risks. 

    God do I know how comparing yourself feels. Even weirder, with no fiancee or boyfriend (that I know of) in the picture I actually compare myself to my CO herself! At my age she'd been a celebrity for a few years. At the end of the day exactly what year of our lives we finally make a start in life shouldn't make that much difference. I had a colleague who had finally found the right career in his 50s and was happy as anything. A decade isn't much in an entire lifespan, and for you, still so young, it's only a few years not even a decade that your overachieving friends and CO's fiancee have over you. For me, I'm a mess because I think I will NEVER get anywhere in life - or even out of the current disaster. If an oracle with 100% ability to predict the future told me I'd be a no life basement dweller until 40 and a happily married man with a job he enjoys at 50 I think I'd be quite happy with that. I'd just have to be patient and do what the fates assign me.



    18 hours ago, posie_riot said:

    I have a lot of faith that things will get better for you. You have the drive, and the awareness. You want to improve your situation. Not everyone in your position feels the same way. You are doing better than you know. 

    Thanks a lot for your faith. Right now I feel I have no drive to do anything and the awareness just means I whinge all the time and don't take action, doesn't really feel like awareness. Maybe I can scrap what I'm trying to do right now with no success, start of something new. Maybe when I recover from this cold/flu nonsense. I don't know. Thanks for the encouragement anyway.

  8. My addiction is getting worse! It was getting better while travelling but now 100% of my mind is taken over and I know I have to get out of my parents house and this structureless life NOW before my mind completely ceases to function! How though? I can't even jobhunt until I've somehow self trained. It's not even just willpower - if I avoid the internet she's still in my mind! Half thinking of packing my bags again - finding some board and lodging type volunteer work or little job abroad so I'm not just watching my savings vanish. At some point I'd have to come home though and find I have even less career possibilities. 

    10 hours ago, BluesDeluxe said:

    Okay, that makes sense about the "correct" comment then. As for the second part of what you said here, I'm finding it almost a bit eerie, cause that feels quite a bit like how I would kind of describe my CO. All except that I haven't really shared with anyone who my current celebrity crush is when/if they'd ask.

    Also, I appreciate that you're aware of the "magical" thing being contradictory. Lol. So you get what I mean about it being kind of magical in a way. And yeah, I don't think anyone would really want to get rid of it either even when good/bad. It's just so hard sometimes I'm afraid I'd have to for my own well-being. Which also brings me back to what I said earlier about it truly being intoxicating. By definition it really can be more or less a drug is kind of what I wanted say. The way that the chemicals and the brain react to it and that it can be so consuming that it can potentially impair a lot of functionality and in society and culture that gets so overlooked that it's just insane to me.

    Whoah! My first reaction when you said you'd describe your CO in a eerily similar way to me is - is it possibly the same CO?! Looking through your posts though she doesn't seem to fit so I don't think so.

    And wow I hadn't really thought of it like that - drugs are drugs because of the chemicals and there's a lot of chemicals associated with attraction (excuse my vagueness - I don't really know chemistry and biology!) so the parallel makes perfect sense. No wonder I find her so addictive. I've talked about CO as addiction all the time, but not in the chemical sense. No wonder the effect she has is hard to explain.

    @CrackedNut I also had a crush on her a couple of years before my obsession. Think that's a pretty common story here. It happens when something else goes wrong. No mystery in my case. And yeah, maybe not cleaning the house, but the amount of times I've prayed I could channel my obsession into something informative like an actual academic field of knowledge (has almost been the case in the past). 

    I suppose we can look at this positively - all the greatest people in the past have been obsessive I'd imagine. You need to be obsessive to be the best at something. Being obsessed with a CO doesn't help you contribute much to the world but if you have that personality anyway maybe someday you'll be obsessed with a creative project or some such. 

  9. To add to what I said before I once had a mentor who said it's actually harder to accomplish small tasks when you have nothing else to do. Nothing saps your energy like complete inactivity and you build up a sort of momentum when you're active. Also, it's easier completing a task when you know you have only a two hour window for it. Make of that what you will, I should really take it to heart, which I don't.

    @perfectcircle77 If you were browsing stuff about him less than you were then you were/are doing well. Well done. Progress is progress, even if there's the occasional slip up. It's unfortunate that when you did look up stuff about him you found out what you didn't want to. That'd hurt any of us, even if we're recovering.

  10. @posie_riot It hurts to read that you're having these thoughts already at your age. I mean I was but now I wish I could grab my younger self by the neck and yell at me about how the early 20's are adulthood's sandbox where everyone is figuring things out and everyone (maybe not everyone but ignore that) gets it all wrong so stop worrying.

    Everyone is dealing with the same rubbish catch-22 about needing a job and having no experience. Your peers are all in the same boat. True a few smart alecs somehow have already acquired a heap of experience, and those are the ones we notice (comparisons again) but there is nowhere near enough smart alecs for companies to only hire them! If you've already got volunteering you are ahead of a lot of your peers, I didn't do that apart from a phony gap year thing, wish I had. It's not the same as trying to enter a new career at 30 with no relevant experience. Ageism arrgh.

    Ironically, accepting that it really doesn't matter where your life is in your early 20's and trying not to worry is the only thing that you really need to do in your early 20's. Everything else follows. Easier said than done I know, I certainly didn't manage that. The guys I knew who partied too much and didn't really seem to care much about their futures seem to have it all sorted now, unlike me who worried all the time. Not saying partying all the time is a good strategy but just that it works itself out.

    I think people is also among the most important things. Both for job hunting (networking seems to be the buzzword) and life. Back when I was functional I dabbled with the world of meetup.com. Now I couldn't join just any meetup group, full of working people, but there are jobseekers ones about. Especially useful I would have thought for college grads who'd no doubt meet a ton of folk in your own position and you'd help each other. Same couldn't be said with my own unique confusing mess of a career journey.

    On the other hand, @Audrey822 said pretty much the same to be about me still being young. I'm not old yet but at 30 vegetating is friggen serious and I need to sort it out. It's not hard just to turn the internet off. Why can't I do it? I've always procrastinated. I have recovered. But with absolutely no structure at all right now and CO taking over my mind it's never been this bad.

    Now the problem is comparing myself to myself. I was always very very far from being any sort of high flyer but at least I was completing those aforementioned minor tasks while having a job, bit of a social life, few hobbies, living independently. I wish back when I had a life I appreciated it more. I know that now I would, now that I've seen what doing absolutely nothing looks like. The reason I didn't appreciate it was from comparing myself to others. But what if I can never get back there? These few days make me feel like that.

    The problem with living in the present and taking life one step at a time is that the present right now is the absolute worst. If my present condition was the whole of who I am I might as well be dead, the only comfort I have is that I wasn't always like this so there must be some small hope that I could be not like this again.


    Taking life one step at a time is definitely the way forward though and what I needed to hear. I hope it is something both of us can manage.

    You know how to give advice anyway no matter how bad you feel, that's for sure. You GIVE on this forum - I try but seem to mainly just TAKE. I hope that is some small comfort in terms of your self esteem.

    @CrackedNut . Glad you found this thread, it should show if nothing else how common this sort of thing is - we can't all be creeps. It's pretty much always just one of those things that happen when we are dealing with other issues, like other addictions but just less recognised. We can't control when it happens so no use feeling shame for it (easier said than done I know). We can try to get over it if we want to or at least control it if that's what we want. You've come to the right place if that's what you want. Did you say anything on the answer phone when you spoke to him? It sounds as though the action that you're worrying about was pretty mild really. It sounds as though he's pretty approachable and isn't worried about contact with fans, especially if he's openly shown his residence. I don't know who he is but from what you've said it doesn't sound like the sort of person to be creeped out unless someone did something actually creepy. Just work on your depression, talk about this with your doctor, and don't blame yourself for your thoughts.

  11. 11 minutes ago, Audrey822 said:

    It's never true to assume that no one has walked your path before (and will never do so again.)  Be assured, you're not the first to be where you are, but if you want to change, you have the power.  My advice...maybe this won't work for you, but it's what I'd try to do since your CO is very important to you, as is mine to me:  instead of cutting yourself off from your CO altogether (blocking the Internet, staying away from this thread, etc.)  why not set aside an hour of your day when you will allow yourself time to spend thinking of her, daydreaming about her, doing whatever it is you do all the time now -- but instead, just discipline yourself to only do those things for that one hour.  And for the rest of the day, make a plan to get out, find a job, meet some people, etc. and stick to that plan.  Don't be discouraged if you hit a speed bump (or a lot of speed bumps.)  Keep moving forward.


    Well, today is another write off. I didn't manage to avoid anything. I'll try what you said and set aside an hour. Thanks I really will try that.

    I can't possibly get out and meet people. I can't introduce myself as unemployed and living with parents. Just one of those would be bad enough.

    Getting a job is what I'm trying to do. But I screwed up the whole career area, not just the job, so I have to retrain. I don't have the time or money to do a formal masters or something. I have to be on my feet and functional before then. Somehow I have to be doing Coursera etc. courses online and creating my own projects to demonstrate my abilities. That's my only way forward and that's a path which is only possible if you're very motivated. Those personal projects? Most people have them because they just love doing them. Techy people (my "skills" in theory) have generally been knocking something up on their computers since they were 5. I'm now trying to force myself to do everything they've been doing for all those years just because I have no other choice. I'm not motivated at all - I have no interest in anything in the world except my CO.

  12. 4 minutes ago, BluesDeluxe said:

    Yeah, it's happened to me with non COs, too, @MysteryName. This one seems to be the most intense crush/obsession for me. It might just feel that way because she's the current one, I guess, but that doesn't really make me feel different unfortunately. As for with your CO and what you said about having to sometimes "correct" your opinions of her like that, I think it may be beneficial, for when you feel like that, to try not to judge yourself so much, cause if you specifically find her attractive, then you find her attractive. I'll admit I have felt like that in some cases, but usually not long enough to really feel concerned about it.

    Also, yes, it can be just completely frightening to me sometimes of the intensity of attraction I feel towards my CO. Strangely in a good way and a bad way. And that's the thing, I think at first sight of her, I had just thought she was cute with something unique about her. Then the more I learned about her, the more attracted I became cause there seemed to be so many things about her that I like and even would seem to have in common with her. It just seems impossible for someone like that to exist. That being the good way. As for the bad way, of course, I could never be with her and I can't stop thinking of her. And, yeah, I know there's nothing magical about it and I try to remember that and not mystify the situation, too much and that it's just the effect of genetically programmed chemicals. I just wish it wasn't so consuming. It's just way too much sometimes.

    For the "correct" comment I meant for those times when I actually don't find her that attractive. Guys sometimes call her ugly and I meant on those occasions when I could see why they called her that and almost agreed. I spend the rest of my life so in love with her that I know I'm wrong so I correct my opinion.

    She's distinctive looking, not the conventional hollywood look at all. I find her distinctive look utterly captivating and uniquely beautiful. The effect is at its most magical when combined with her mannerisms (especially her facial expressions!), her work/creations and her (perceived) personality. This is why I always find her most attractive in videos rather than photos and want to link people to a youtube video if I tell someone who my celebrity crush is.

    Wow I've just called in magical in direct contradiction to what you've just quoted! I agree it is good and bad at the same time. This is why I really believe its not something to try to get rid of, even if its sometimes scary. The same can be said with love for people actually in your life. Even more so. And who'd want to get rid of that from their minds? I wouldn't be trying to get rid of my obsession if I was a remotely functional human being. It's just the fact that I'm not which brought me here.


  13. @Audrey822 @perfectcircle77  This is my 3rd full day home. I'll put the internet blockers back on and try to stop myself just finding a way round them like before. I'll be away from this thread for a while too, it makes me think of her. There are small tasks I can do. I guess there is a way out if I take things one step at a time. It's just that I have never been this completely inactive before, no one has been this completely inactive before. How can completing some small task count as accomplishing anything (and so give me energy) when I'm both living at home and unemployed? People complete that task 50 times over while working more than full time, living independently, caring for a family and having hobbies and a social life. Make it all seem a bit pointless. But it's all I can do if I want to ever break free from this.

    @BluesDeluxe I totally get you. Sometimes I just don't understand how it is possible for anyone to be as insanely beautiful as her. (I've felt that for non COs as well) It's weird, at other times I understand why guys often call her ugly. I then hate myself for thinking that so go and watch all my favourite videos to "correct" my opinions of her. I know that it is sometimes scary such how intense physical attraction can be. At the end of the day there's nothing magical about it though. It's just the effect of chemicals that have been genetically programmed to be triggered by certain facial features and body types.

    @Cozmo Good luck for Monday. 

  14. 45 minutes ago, Cozmo said:

    As for writing stories, my CO has driven me to do exactly the same! I had never done it before with anyone else, but felt compelled to give it a go with this CO. However, with the one I'm currently writing, I've had to stop, I was concerned my issues would become much worse if I continued. So I've not written anything for about 2 weeks, maybe more. I almost feel scared to continue it too! That if I do, it will send me deeper into the abyss!! 

    On another note, I have noticed another problem....I'm not keen to leave the house. Unless I'm with my husband. I have never experienced this before. The other thing....I feel scared to do anything without his help, instruction or permission (My husband is in no way controlling, if he was then you might understand my nervousness over such things, but he is so laid back he's horizontal). For example, we have a fish tank (we have a few but one in particular I noticed a problem with last night), the goldfish were gasping at the surface, a sign of lack of oxygen in the water. Hubby was out walking the dogs at the time, so I text him to ask if he would help me check the pump when he got back. All I needed to do was stick my hand in the tank at the pump outlet to see if water was passing through...but I didn't feel I could do it without him being there. WT* is wrong with me!!!!

    Your CO has at least inspired you to do something creative! I can understand not wanting to continue writing but broadly speaking I see any way that a CO inspires you to do something productive as beneficial even if it is more about the skills you practise than what you produce. My CO, among other things. seems to have turned me into a comatose slug that does literally nothing whatsoever and it's ******* me.

    I don't know what to say about aging CO's. I don't have it with my CO, she's in her 30's, but I get scared as my parents are getting old. I don't know what you can do except for to live in each day. There is certain inevitabilities in the future but there should in theory be good stuff we can't see too. We tend to think the world gets progressively worse whereas in reality in pretty much just carries on the way it always has, there will always be births (metaphorically speaking as well) as much as deaths.

    On 8/9/2016 at 8:43 AM, Cozmo said:

    Not if you're talking about the one who passed in April...my CO passed in January :( I swear his death is the undoing of the universe! Keep seeing posts about how f****d up the world is becoming since his death *sigh* It wouldn't upset me if it was the same person, if anything, it would probably make me feel relieved that someone else was experiencing this with me...because it was over the same person.

    Ah yes it is clear who he is! Both of them! I can see why you like him, not just the music but he had a certain presence and style to him. And he was a massive cultural influence and a musical genius. I could almost see myself crushing on him despite being straight and male haha.

    Out of interest do people like the idea of other posters sharing the same CO? I must admit I've looked closely at every mention of a female CO coming up in this thread to try and work out whether there is a chance that someone has the same CO as me. Not sure how I'd respond though if I found a potential match. I'd pm the poster perhaps. With all my other interests evaporated she is pretty much the only topic I'd like to bond with someone over these days. God that sounds creepy. On the other hand it does sometimes bother me how many crushes she seems to be the object of. There are so few female CO's here though that a collision is unlikely.

    Anyway: Hi all,

    I'm back in England and well... I'm basically dead. Finished.

    I was dreading coming home and my worst fears have been realised.

    As I've said before, the past couple of years between job starting to collapse and travelling have been the "dead years". They've seen a gradual decline in the amount of things that I actually do with my life. From having hobbies, friends, a career and living independently to being a shut in basement dweller with none of those. As I realised this, I developed coping strategies. Travel planning was one, my CO started as an unintentional one and the third strategy was just to tell myself that these years were a temporary phase. When I got most depressed was when I thought that the dead years may be permanent.

    Whether or not the dead years were to be permanent or not rested on what happened when I got home from travels and faced the challenge of finding a new career.

    The problem is that the moment has finally arrived. I am home from travels. It is judgement day. 

    And how have I responded? Yesterday I spent all 12-14 of my waking hours doing absolutely NOTHING but flicking from site to site connected to HER. That was it. My parents prepared food. I helped wash up. I did one or two admin type things that took a few minutes each. Every other minute was spent lying on the sofa. The decline is complete - I have reached an absolute 100% level of inactivity - this feels like beyond the point of recovery. Even the laziest loser on earth does SOMETHING, be it a small hobby or exercise or at least living independently. No one reaches absolute 100%. I am dead. In the evening I swore with so much determination that today would be different but I'm just too addicted. To HER, to the internet, I even constantly refresh this very thread.

    Getting from a life that involves unemployment but at least a few hobbies or a job but not much else to a complete life feels doable with some determination. Getting from a "life" of absolute zero to a complete life feels like too much of a mountain. Where do I even start? Guess the dead years are permanent.

    The problem is that I have absolutely no interest in anything whatsoever except for her. I am completely blank. If I could only channel all the energy I spend on her into something else. Even just a topic I can browse on the internet that makes me an informed and interesting person would be a start. Anything! How do I do this? Back when I put off work by looking up websites on prehistory, geography, linguistics etc. I considered it procrastination (as it was) but at least it was adding to myself in SOME small way! Not the best way at the time but at least something! Now I have no interest in anything but her.

    And, worst of all, the more amazed I become at her the more disgusted I become at myself. Being a semi functional guy with at least something of a job and hobbies fantasizing about wooing a beautiful brilliant sweet as hell dorky angel who has made her own fame level success in 3 or 4 different fields is bad enough. Being a comatose blob with the same fantasies just feels beyond ridiculous, and that is painful. Basically my fantasies about her now involve some imagined version of myself who is at least functional and has something interesting about him rather than the current non entity. Back when I was semi functional I drew cartoons. She draws cartoons! Some of my favourite fantasies involved her liking my cartoons and us bonding over that.

    I've said before, I wouldn't mind my obsession if I was only a functional man. But the problem is how do I get there when I'm beyond the point of no return now?

  15. 23 hours ago, Metzger said:

    Well since I haven't seen any guys comment here, i'll state my problem.

    I'm beginning to think I'm having an obsession for about a 2 weeks now, I know it's not as long as some of your obsessions (hopefully it's not as long) but it's taking over my life. The messed up thing is that I think I'm straight as an arrow but I'm obsessed with a male actor and it's destroying me. I hardly think it's anything to do with sexual desires but the thought of being with him is so inviting and it's caused alot of confusion in my head. Im very much a straight man, I love women and I'm sexually attracted to them, the actor does sort of have a "feminine" demeanor but im scared to think that I might actually love him and it's hurting me. I have an exam coming up and it's very distracting. I haven't been In a long relationship with a girl and haven't had one for 2 years, girls like me but it's hard to find ones I like back and the ones I like never like me. Maybe I'm just confused and need stable relationship. I'm really scared this might be a long obsession and it's the first time i find myself attracted to a male. Hopefully someone can relate it's just not me.

    I'm a guy! I'm straight. My CO and pretty much everyone I've been attracted has been female, but I know that it is possible for me to think a guy is attractive. I don't view sexuality as being 100% one thing or another for anyone though. Think we are all capable of both same and opposite sex attraction, maybe very rarely.

    Basically I don't think finding a man attractive means you necessarily need to rethink who you are. If you want to rethink your sexuality that's fine but maybe postpone such big questions until after your exams and enjoy your feelings for now as just a quirk.

  16. 20 hours ago, posie_riot said:

    ^ Some very wise/encouraging thoughts there @MysteryName. I agree. I especially needed to read the first one. 

    I can really relate to what you said about taking comfort in the thought that there might be someone else out there who is just as obsessed with your CO. I too take comfort in the idea of "bonding with a stranger" that way. I don't like the feeling that I'm alone in this, or that I was the only one he "captured". It would make me feel a lot less crazy to know that he had the same effect on on someone else. I often imagine that there is another person out there like me, and it's almost become its own fantasy. 

    Your "hypothetical boyfriend" comments really struck a chord with me as well. My CO's fiancée is practically hypothetical considering the way I've glamourized her and made her into everything I'm not. I'm constantly torturing myself by imagining all the ways that she's superior to me. It's like a hobby now at this point. I've also taken it a step further by telling myself that any of the advantages my CO would have in dating me are moot, and besides, she probably possesses all my good qualities anyway. 

    "My whole life is one big quest to find something to be proud of" / travelling is an "ego quest". Well, I can totally relate. I feel that way about almost everything I do. But keep in mind that this is probably true for most people. It's just that not everyone realizes it. There's nothing wrong with finding things to be proud of, wanting to improve upon yourself for egoic reasons, wanting positive recognition/to be thought highly of/to be "impressive", etc. I have to remind myself of that a lot. I always feel like I'm doing things for the "wrong reasons". I find it helps a little to have a sense of humour about it and laugh at myself. We're hyper-aware of our own flaws, but they're also humanity's flaws. I often think that people with anxiety and depression are just more "aware" people. 

    Wow it seems I actually struck a chord with you. That in itself makes me happy as I often worry that I come across as a rambling madman when I write my long posts.

    I like what you said about us being more aware of our flaws (although I don't feel depressed right now I was very very low before I quit my job and still have the occasional episode). If you're anything like me you also believe people when they make themselves sound impressive and disbelieve them when they say good things about you, creating a very unbalanced picture.

  17. My god I wrote a monumental rant last time. I must seem so deranged. Just a sleep deprived stream of consciousness getting every (most) thoughts i've wanted to say in past month and bit out in one go. Sorry.

    20 hours ago, Okenite said:

    It doesn't affect my ability to interact with people, have a healthy social life and a job. But it's time consuming and makes me seem lazy, because I spend lots of time behind my computer, not getting anything done.

    Hi Okenite and welcome.

    Glad it sounds like you have things under control but sorry you still feel weird.

    If there is nothing in particular you really want or need to do with that time then you're not wasting it. There's no reason we have to be productive all time, that's just one of those things our busy busy society wants us to think. Staying happy and enjoying yourself without harming others is all that matters. When you've got the basics down what you do with the rest of your time and energy is up to you - never feel ashamed.

    On 26/07/2016 at 4:01 PM, NCC said:

    BTW MysteryName. With your clues I know who your CO is, she seems charming.  She seems like she would be fun to hang around with. I can see why you like her. Don't worry, I won't say who she is, that's up to you to tell us or not. 

    Yes! Yes! She absolutely is! She just seems to have the sweetest personality as well as being cute as hell and talented and funny. And those smiles and lively expressions.  It gave me a real buzz that someone here recognised her and said nice things so thank you. 

    I still won't type her name publicly or name things associated with her though as I don't want it to come up when someone Googles her and even if I get around that it seems like a violation of her somehow. I'd name her in pm if anyone is interested.

  18.   Hi all,

    First of all, ignore my previous post. Accidentally quoted and can't get the bubble to go away.

    I'm back from over a month with no internet and catching up on this thread. Being forced by location off the internet helped my not think of CO temporarily but first thing I did when I got back was check all my CO sources and now I'm back obsessed as ever. Truth is though my obsession is not my biggest psychological problem. I agree with whoever said it's a symptom. I'm not always here seeking CO help - is that false pretences? Sorry, but I don't have support networks IRL. Just catching up now though, I'm not in crisis right now, although I have had a few horrible isolated crisis's(?) while also from internet and world.

    @Audrey822 I really meant what I said about you helping me and others, and thanks for your more recent words of encouragement. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time with your CO. 

    @posie_riot I just got to say how much I relate to your posts, especially your late at night one (it's 330am here!). The fear for the future and being alone. Most of the events so far in life though I never predicted, I'm hoping we can use that to learn not to try and predict anything, bad or good, in our future. I'm trying to focus on small steps, things I have control over.  

    Feeling bad when your CO is with someone is one of the most common thoughts I've seen here over the years. 

    As is feeling bad at how many fans love them. I certainly feel that one. It's not surprising. We want to feel we share so much with our CO. We are like them and we'd understand each other. However, Celebrity is so far removed from our lives and the idea of being 1 fan among many especially jars. Part of the appeal of my CO is a sort of school archetype every nerdy guy remembers that she sort of embodies - the sweet different nerdy girl who doodles and daydreams in class, who the other guys ignore but I can't get my mind off. When I remind myself she's an actual celebrity with the wealth, attention and life that comes with it that jars with the image.

    Now though I've begun to think that there must be at least one guy out there as obsessed as I am and it's possible to draw a strange sort of comfort from that. A sort of bond with a stranger. An I am not alone feeling akin to our feelings when we first found this group. Weird huh? But at least shows there are different ways of looking at these things. 

    If we regard our thoughts as selfish or dark remember we only have a little control our thoughts. No one should ever feel guilty over their thoughts alone. We have no idea of the disturbed things that go on in other people's heads. I have a theory everyone's mind is darker than we know and the measure of a person is their actions.


    When it comes to CO's relationship status I have no idea what mine is. She's very private and not the sort of celebrity journalists and paparazzi follow. I've followed the strategy of trying to force myself to believe she has a bf to lessen the blow when I find out. It even felt bad when her bandmate described herself as spoken for (giving no more details). Both women similarly lacking in public information, it just made me feel how likely it is CO has bf. And I minorly crush on bandmate too I'd say, by association (anyone else react similarly to someone very associated with your CO?). 

    The problem is this strategy creates a hypothetical boyfriend, and I'm free to imagine what kind of man he must be to impress a woman like her, just as I'm fighting the worst self esteem problems and problems with comparing myself to others imaginable. A hyper successful productive multi talented creative like her no doubt, while I'm overwhelmed by how I really have done and contributed absolute zero to anything in my life.

    It brought back memories of the only time I've ever romantically connected to a woman, the extended holiday romance I've called it before. She was also very successful career wise. A secret barrier between us I think, aside the more obvious geographic barrier that killed us, was that the hugeness of gap between a woman like her and a worthless failure like me, achievement wise, made the relationship seem unnatural and hideous like vast age gaps, or incest or the way people used to view interracial. I felt relationship imposter syndrome like she'd find me out. I realised how pathological this thought was which only made me feel like a messed up in the head failure, not just a failure. 

    For this and other reasons a year later I gave up on relationships forever. The lazy man's way out - if you intend to stay single forever it doesn't matter if you're a failure, you've got noone to impress. Never need to compete and so compare again.

    CO ruined this stasis. She told me (in a way) that some day I have to try dating again. By making me want a girl like her, making me conscious of my romantic tastes, making me aware that I can't be a monastic bachelor unaware of women - I'd just end up a creep secretly lusting over her and others instead, making me think I have to at least be in a position to try dating when the inevitable news of her relationship arrives. Also through her work - songs and jokes from the perspective of someone never married no kids dating well into their 30s which the rest of the world seems intent to convince me doesn't happen. And by making me compare to her - the most extreme and therefore painful comparison ever.

    I'm 30 now. Lots of people struggle with early adulthood, you spend your early 20s figuring stuff out. I have made absolutely no progress on myself in my entire (adult?) Life though. There comes a point where you have to stop claiming to be figuring stuff out. I feel unfixable. CO's (indirect) advice to me to someday date again makes that feel more painful.

    I go home in 2 weeks. I wanted to extend my trip but I'm reaching the point where growing worry about what I'll do when I get home means I won't enjoy it. I need to start taking action. I almost forgot the million and one articles that convinced me I'm unemployable. What I'm dreading most is that I will relearn that as I inevitably start researching the Job market. That killed me last time so oh dear. 

    If I do get a job I will face similar articles once again telling me how undatable I am.

    There's a lot of work till then though, while my CO does everything I do absolutely nothing in my life. Create nothing contribute nothing. I almost connected with a girl traveling. Made me realise 2 things. 1 - how important it is that I continue to learn and think about stuff that sometimes interests me. The closest I have to an asset is my knowledge and insight into a small set of topics. The only times I connect to anyone is when they share these interests. Problem is, all these things interest me less and less these days, CO replaces them, and my insights seem weaker. 2 - how the connections I sometimes have with people are actually never beyond a certain level. I have a gap in my brain preventing any real true connections. 

    I'm not depressed now - just the thought of this world to come.

    Also I feel the traveling was partly for the wrong reason - a sort of ego creation quest - my whole life is one big quest to find at least one thing I can feel proud of myself for. Being adventurous is not much but it's something.

  19. Thank you for the replies everyone. I wanted to respond properly but couldn't find the words and now on phone passing through airport with last internet access for weeks maybe so just quick reply. 

    I wrote last post mid mental crisis. I've had a few more than usual traveling but nowhere near as constant as back in my dark days and I've had enjoyable experiences too. Feel OK now.

    Things I like about myself have been lost to collapsing career then CO although feel I can get them back more now than mid crisis. Feeling like a creep also crisis dependent which in turn dependent on how encounters with travellers go. I also think less of CO if had more good social encounters. 

    Travel partly a test - if it takes all my confidence and energy to ask about busses how will I apply for jobs and end the "dead years". Managing better now though. 

    I like the idea of being together with CO in afterlife - hope all you who want will be. I do have a higher opinion of embracing fantasies than it seems - just in my own case I'd like to be more functional first and there's the taking up mind space pushing out everything else issue. But happened less lately.

    And Audrey if you were such a mess you would not have been able to give me and others such good advice. Thanks.

    And have a good time seeing your CO decade!

    And for the record I'm an INFP (was lurking in MB type discussion :) ) wish I knew what my CO is







  20. I wish I was dead.

    I really really wish I was f-ing dead.

    I just cannot take being me anymore. I cannot take being incapable of every single aspect of life. I cannot take having no redeeming features. I cannot take every single conversation I ever have with anyone it takes 5 sodding minutes before they mention any aspect of their life ANY AT ALL that reminds me how subhuman inferior to every single one of the 7 billion sodding people on earth. ABSOLUTELY ANYONE!!! I'm not comparing myself to the best as therapists and parents tell me I am. I'm comparing myself to literally anyone the outcome is the same. I can't talk to people because I have no social skills and cannot cope with the overwhelming feeling of inferiority that comes from every conversation. You're supposed to ask people about their lives and interests, right? How can I do that when all it does is prove how inferior I am in comparison EVERY SINGLE TIME.

    I should never have gone travelling. All it has proved is how I'm as incapable of travel as I am incapable of everything else in my sodding "life". I fail at the easy things in travel like I do with everything. It was only because I'd failed in the real world so I thought I could at least find one redeeming feature - being adventurous and bold and the sort of guy who gets out of his comfort zone. My life is a desperate game to try and find a redeeming feature. ANY redeeming feature. Just being good at one thing would do. So I booked adventurous trips. Starting with easier countries, going later to a much harder country. Well, I'm making a mess of travel in the easy country. In the harder country I'll probably get myself ******** or something. Sometimes I wish that would happen.

    I wish I was only a failure. I wish I was only a loser. I dream of being a loser. It would be such a promotion to become a loser rather than #1 on the entire sodding planet biggest loser who has ever lived. I encounter people who can't get dates or who can't make friends or who have no career or other concerns like hobbies etc. Well, let me tell you something. Everyone who is upset over any of these things

    a) seems to at least not have THE COMPLETE SET guys with good careers who complain about being a loser because they can't get dates or vice versa make me want to **** myself TRY FAILING AT BOTH NOT ONE BUT BOTH IN FACT NOT BOTH BUT ALL 
    b) especially if a) isn't true (although it usually is) has been forced into that position by a s***ty childhood or adverse circumstances or something. Not their fault. I'm the only one who had every advantage and still messed everything up purely due to my own failings WHICH IS EVERY FAILING. NAME A FAILING. I HAVE IT!!!!!

    Thinking a lot about my CO's comment about how the guys who approach her after shows and say they have a crush on her are always the creepy ones. Well. I used to think I'd be another one to prove her right. Now I know I'd be the worst one. What is a creep? What makes these guys creepy? I thought it was to do with how a guy tries to hit on a girl but that doesn't apply in the same way with celeb crushes unless guys really do come up to her after shows and in a persistantly won't take no for an answer kind of way try to get a date with her. Surely that doesn't apply with celeb crushes unless security ends up kicking out a whole ton of fans. If it's just saying "I have a crush on you", well, the ones who say that to her bandmate apparently aren't creeps so it must be something about the ones who say that to her. Wish I knew. Wish I could find the interview. But no doubt low self esteem low confidence and poor social skills feature pretty highly in guys who get called creeps. Like me. I am a creep. No doubt. No wonder I have so few friends. I don't think anyone has ever liked me, really. I've been for years calling the happiest moment of my life those two holidays I spent with that wonderful girl I came closest to having a romantic connection with. Pathetic. To her it was no doubt just a minor fling she forgot as soon as it happened. And then the friend who got us together hinted that the main thing that attracted her to me was the stereotypical American girl falling for English accent thing with a touch of looks too - figured that wouldn't apply to well travelled smart educated girl but who knows? Either way it could all have been a sham. The other girl, one I actually dated for 4 months, kinda was. 

    A guy cut me up on a forum. After the usual hurtful "she's ugly and annoying and her quirkiness is so artificial" (if you're talking about in a role as no doubt you only know her from her TV roles then duh she's an actress so it's an act and she does NOT make it look artificial beyond for comedy value)  rubbish I see from all her haters he goes on to say something like "she's only got a TV career to satisfy the fantasies of lonely freaks". I want to argue but then I realise my argument loses much power when I realise I'm a lonely freak myself who fantasies about her. Then I hate myself more. I mean look at it this way - it makes sense - her most famous TV roles were for love interests for male characters who were lonely nerds who couldn't get dates at all. A lot of lonely guys will have identified with these male characters. So as soon as they pair them with this wonderful small shy different nerdy uniquely beautiful (breath of fresh air from generic showbiz types) and amazingly sweet and likeable woman then of course its no wonder all the lonely nerds identifying with those male characters fall for her en masse. I'm a textbook example, except worse and I fell for her on her youtube vid not her TV roles but her TV roles helped. No wonder she has so many romantic admirers despite the fact that when I tried asking my friends if they thought she was hot they all said "no she's weird looking" - a common opinion online too. I guess "she fulfils the fantasies of lonely freaks" guy had a point (although daring to suggest that was the only reason she was on TV is offensive rubbish). She also has the sweet innocent almost childlike thing about her she has used to her advantage no matter how risque her material. Gets called "adorable" a lot (always thought that was a somewhat insulting description for successful 30 something woman you don't know). Could also explain why it is the creeps who say they have a crush on her.

    Poor woman. She is so damn talented and funny as well as beautiful and has worked so hard to achieve the amazing things she's achieved - worked her way up in many different areas rather than a "one lucky break" celeb and yet comments on social media from her genuine fans get swamped with lonely weirdoes like me asking for dates (I have avoided commenting on her social media inappropriately - just seen a lot of others do that).

    Really sorry for this guys. I feel better just typing this. I was in such an awful state when I started writing this I just had to write it somewhere. I've been lurking on this forum for ages. Wished next time I contributed it'd be in a non selfish way like you others - advising someone else as you advised me. But then crisis took over and I had to rant about myself again.

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