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Everything posted by MysteryName

  1. @Audrey822 Oh my good Audrey I can't imagine how amazing that must feel! That's amazing I feel so good for you! I'd faint if she liked something I posted! Much as I hate myself for saying that - I'm a 30 year old man after all. She never will though. I don't dare posting stuff to her as I don't want me posting to her to fill up my friend's newsfeed (it would be very suspicious as I post so little to facebook anyway. It would look like all I think about is her. Although that's true. Everything that doesn't involve her seems a bit lifeless). And if I did she'd never respond. The only time she responds to people is if they actually create something cool like cool fanart of her. Just thinking about that reminds how lacking I am in the talent or discipline. My god I can relate so much to this! This is exactly what I meant way back when I said I'm always going to be obsessed - I just wish I could be obsessed over productive things rather than an enchanting girl who doesn't know I exist. Obsessions that make me achieve rather than an obsession that makes me a creep and hate myself more. I have often in my life been obsessed over productive things - it has just never lasted as you said. Anyway, I GOT A JOB!!!! A Good Job for me!! When I found out I could barely believe it! I thought I was unemployable! Does this mean the dead years as I always call them are finally over? I leave to travel soon and then start working as a functional human being once more as soon as I get back! I don't know to be honest. Whether I think about that I'm gripped with terror - my last job ended in a mess - what if I can't do this one? Imposter syndrome, if you've heard of that, is overwhelming with me. The job hunt was actually too easy when I finally started - like I was cheating and I'll get found out when I have to do the work. Dressed up as a turkey apparently! And posting photos of herself looking absolutely gorgeous as always and like sunshine personified. She is so delightful. I wish I could just be a regular fan, a fan with a crush but still a fan, rather than worrying about sad stupid rubbish like trying to work out all the time how many other guys crush on her or how I'll react when she admits having a boyfriend. I've often said its ironic - the more obsessed I am with her the less I am actually a good fan. I haven't even watched everything she's been in. I want to watch whole films and stuff with her in - enjoy her properly - as a reward for getting stuff done but then I never get anything done because I waste too much time watching stupid little clips of her or looking at photos or looking for info because this is the stuff that is easier to access. Takes more willpower to resist than watching a whole movie and I have no willpower. I have to see her perform live some day. Even if its a stupid thing to do. I don't care. It would be awkward. I'd be seeing her on my own, travelling across the Atlantic, going on holiday to LA - people would ask why - I never choose places like that for my holiday. I'd be pretending to have a duel purpose to the trip - seeing LA and her. That's not true and I'd know it. It's only about her. I'd be in the audience on my own - awkward. creepy. Just what she hates. And then I'd be crushed that the meet and greet would just be her saying "hi" and signing autograph and no more. But somehow I have to. I wish I could fantasize about her the way often discussed here. I do but as soon as I start it just sends me crashing down to reality as I realize how I am nothing and she is a goddess. I thought getting a job, becoming functional would solve this. Maybe it will! If the job isn't a disaster! Please don't let it be! For it not to be I have to somehow stop wasting 99.9% of my time and I've been trying to not do that for years. I think for me to fantasize about meeting her as an equal, never an equal she is a goddess, but as someone who at least has something in common with her, I need to accomplish something, create something. Comes back to my previous point - I need to be obsessed with creating something again. Why do I do this? I've got people in my life who actually care about me. I should focus on them. But instead I focus on someone who doesn't know I exist. @SophieViolet95 It's a while ago now but I hope things are getting better with college. Over time classes should get smaller and lecturers get to know you and enter the field of people you are comfortable with. Just think of it as surviving the first little difficult bit. Academics tend to be riddled with issues - imposter syndrome, depression, conflict avoiding socially anxious personalities and many should sympathize with people who struggle with these things even if the first few you meet are not sympathetic. I should know I was one and understand why mental illness is so high in that fricken potentially soul destroying profession. To the people who mentioned social anxiety SophieViolet and Posie_Riot I used to lose money because I just quite simply would not phone up to cancel things. Now I can pass phone interviews (and in face but phoning was my biggest problem). I'm still a mess, as these posts reveal, but sometimes time and being sometimes forced into situations does achieve what seems impossible. @nothingatall7777 I don't often hear mention of Mila all that often and can't remember seeing her in a film, don't know what the media says, but when I have heard mention of her you are the first person who I think of. I have no clue how to give advice but you're very much connected to her in my mind anyway. I can relate to all this. I always feel like I'm neglecting her if I haven't look at stuff about her quite enough - absurd as that may sound! And I often feel I've chosen to be a mess in my head. I didn't need to obsess about her. Maybe a form of masochism. I'm suspicious when things go well. Feel as though they should go badly. My life is also a long list of self sabotage. Finally beginning to sort stuff out though! Just don't let me self sabotage again. And there's no such thing as a dream job. What kid knows the full array of jobs that exist out there and anything about what they are really like or even about themselves? Ok, maybe not quite true that there's no such thing as a dream job but millennials seriously over emphasise the idea of following your dreams to the point where everyone ends up miserable and full of regret. Don't be deceived. Dream job is a very modern notion. In the past I'm sure many were happy and people, for the most part, never even thought it terms of dream jobs. The trick is to just be fluid, move on if you can't stand your job, do what seems most interesting at each point in time, go for opportunities you have and realise nothing is permanent but then again, most of us at some point have to sacrifice a bit of this freedom for buying a house, raising a family etc. Just part of life. Everyone else is the same. If Hollywood stars all had their dream jobs why are so many depressed and even why do so many try directing or music even if they should be happy as actors.
  2. @urivgirl86 Also don't worry about Taylor Swift being younger than you either. She's an outlier - she became famous as a teenager. That is abnormal and not healthy in my view. At the end of the day you're still young. 3 years is peanuts in the grand scheme of things and will look totally irrelevant when you look back on your life in 30 years time. If god had wanted us all to get wherever we're supposed to be going at the same age then he wouldn't have made our natural biological lifespan vary by about 20-30 years (talking only about a full healthy life). Maybe you're so focused on what you see as missing your destiny because you haven't discovered your actual destiny yet because you were always supposed to discover it at 32 or 35 or 55. That's how I'm trying to process the friggen hell hole that is my mess. I'm roughly the same age as you. When I'm in a better mood I just see my life as a false start. If I was meant to get wherever I'm meant to be at my second attempt, a few years later, then that really won't make any difference in the grand scheme of things. Just makes my journey through life look a bit more interesting from hindsight some day. Of course now its looking like I'll never get anywhere but that's for other reasons, not my age.
  3. @posie_riot @Audrey822 Thanks! I'm more accepting than I was that I'll probably always be looking stuff up about her a lot, unless it goes away organically. It's just the complete lack of productivity that kills me.
  4. Well... so much for that huh. I can't even understand how I manage to be so completely incapable of just doing the simplest thing in the world of switching the internet off or at least just not looking at every single sodding video of my friggen hypnotic CO!!!! Been battling massive massive procrastination and internet addiction for years, even before I had a CO, tried every single strategy going. Now at my lowest point its worse than ever. I seem to have less willpower than anyone on earth. Oh well... lets try and accomplish one simple task... choose and order a new laptop as this ones hopeless... without going to a single unrelated site! I promise you I will! You can be my witnesses/accountabily-buddy or however you spell it lol.
  5. Oh man I know how it feels to just give up on life and stop looking after yourself. Haven't fully recovered from when I was in that situation so don't really know what to say but I have to some extent. Just try to remember that every little thing - cooking a meal, sending a facebook message to someone you care about, taking your meds, counts as a victory. One of my biggest struggles as I've mentioned before is the "how the hell can I possibly feel anything positive about anything that I've done when other people are doing the same stuff alongside jobs, hobbies without even thinking about it?" - I've realised now that this thought process is erroneous as when you're in a bad place every smallest thing takes masses of energy, is a step to getting out and is therefore an achievement worth celebrating. This probably doesn't even make any sense as I can only talk from my own experience and I don't know whether yours is similar but I just read your message and wished I could find something to say. Hope you're feeling better! Everyone here seems to have felt like that at some point from the time I've spent on this forum so its at least normal here. Also being unable to stop thinking or checking social media of our CO's is pretty normal. My mind was so full of her I couldn't do the basic things I needed to put my life back together again - jobhunt, retrain, just feed myself and get some sleep! I'm a bit better now though, still not productive though. Does it effect your ability to do stuff? Do you want to stop thinking of him? Or do you enjoy that he fills your mind and you're just worried that it seems weird? Anyway, Welcome! I have managed to avoid reddit at least for a couple of days and haven't checked her social media today. Doesn't sound like much but its a start for me.
  6. Up and down Audrey, thanks for asking. I had a breakdown a week ago at 4am in the morning. Just cried and cried and banged my head against a wall until I managed to write a massive expletive laden rant to my counselor through my online therapy IM service. Often writing stuff down makes me feel better. This time it didn't and the only thing that did make me feel better was looking at my CO. This lead to a conclusion: Trying to get her out of my head is the wrong idea. I need her. Basically having a CO isn't my main problem. My problem is my inability to concentrate on any activity fueled by the feeling that everything is pointless which is in turn fueled by very low self esteem. It seems that no activity is easy enough for me to not find it a struggle and I panic I won't be able to do things like get my VISA sorted or get on a teacher training course before I'm off travelling. My CO is NOT the best strategy to take my mind off my "life". It feels pathetic and ridiculous, reddit would have a field day with it , I cringe reading most of my messages here and no matter how many times I'm told otherwise I know she'd still find it as sad and creepy as anyone else would. Also the more amazing she seems the more worthless I seem in comparison. BUT - it is the strategy that my mind has chosen and I'm realizing I should just enjoy her and focus on sorting out my productivity. On the plus side my productivity, at least with regard to my game, is slowly improving. It's frustrating that all the changes I've made to my game over the past few months are not even visible they are so small! Mostly tiny bug fixes. I've just got to accept that even though the ratio of time spent to amount achieved is absurd it is at least something. Glad things seem to be going better for @dazedandconfused1 , @OpalP25 , @HopelessRomantic2011. Enjoy seeing your old CO HopelessRomantic! Maybe I'm in the same place as @fabulousrockstar - having a CO can be rough, unfortunately its something we have to live with while we put the real energy into sorting out the real problem - liking ourselves. Glad your getting there in that respect. @posie_riot well done for still managing to avoid your CO. Can't say much except that adblock is probably the right approach. That and spending time away from computers all together and disconnecting from the web. That's what I need to do anyway.
  7. @posie_riot It's always nice to hear that someone can understand and even relate to my rants. I re-read them and discover that I've garbled half my sentences, missing out words here there and everywhere, before we even get to the content! I feel selfish not wanting her to be super popular - isn't it ironic, being obsessed with someone but not even being a good fan who wishes every success on her! I can't imagine how it must feel when your CO is publicly in a relationship. I think wanting to feel special as you say is a large part of CO worship, which is why it tends to affect people with self esteem problems. We need to find something to replace it! Some way of feeling special. A creative project, a relationship (platonic, romantic, family, existing or new, with an individual or a community - anything), a job, an intellectual pursuit. It could even be something that comes from within. That seems impossible to me but if you're feeling better then maybe you are indeed finding that something! @dazedandconfused1 Don't apologise for the long reply. It's me that posts the friggen novellas and the one thing I find most reassuring here is being told I'm only doing what many of us here do so your post was good to read, thank you :). Though not for your sake of course as I feel your pain :( . An obsession on how many others guys are obsessed with her just felt like a new level of strange to me - above just being obsessed with her - but I guess its not that abnormal. Just feels it. @OpalP25 arrgh I know about creepy fans. This is why I have so many times before complained about feeling creepy myself. I think everything those guys think and 10 times more and more often too. I do get the feeling these days though that some fans of hers are as obsessed as I am. I've often wondered if some are lurking in this forum, not wanting to post because they read my posts and freak out that its about their CO (as I would!). There have been bits and pieces of evidence that her extraordinary unique persona and appearance has a tendency to attract rather strong crushes. And I'm exhibit A. I really don't get about them being public with no shame though, as you say. I never on my facebook newsfeed see a friend post a comment on a celebrities page telling them they look hot so if one of my contacts did that one day it would stand out. My CO's creeps though seem to do this all the time so what do their FB friends think? I can think of one female friend for whom my CO seems to be an actual hero and role model and who would be horrified to see someone she knows out himself as one of the various weirdos who publicly objectify a hero of hers. You say disrespectful to their partners or our partners. I will never have a partner and she isn't public about... oh god I don't want to think... apparently she doesn't have one. So it's more about being disrespectful of her hard work as most of the gushing is just about her looks, and indeed that is what first drew her to me and the larger part of my obsession so I'm not really any better, although after I discovered her work and general persona I loved her more and more. @OpalP25 fully delusional people probably do have it easier at first. They are also more likely to act on their obsessions, more likely to lose real life relationships, jobs, friends or even end up as stalkers though maybe I'm stereotyping (no one who I've ever seen on this forum is close to fully delusional - if they were they wouldn't be on this forum as searching for this place suggests seeing it as a problem). This all means a real, serious crash of some sort is likely and I wouldn't want to be them when it happens. Sure being completely delusional could seem attractive in the short term but not in the long term. @nothingatall7777 thanks for appreciating - I try to take an interest. I feel for you. But I'm out of ideas for knowing what to say. Can't even figure out what to do about my own obsession as you can tell and right now I have no life whatsoever so there's nothing between me and her. She fills an emptiness that otherwise would just be emptiness but ironically by taking over my mind stops me from being able to actively fill the emptiness. You have a life and a fiancee so there has to be something that can help. You getting therapy right now? @Audrey822 Thanks Audrey. I know she'll always be more popular now and I'm really not managing to accept this, an inability that I hate myself more for. I have less willpower than anyone on earth, I know it. I cannot avoid a website for 5 minutes. I've managed to avoid the worst parts of reddit but not everything. From the bits I have seen the new interest in her is dying off but its still there and it comes back in smaller spikes regularly. I've avoided the actual comments. My emotions have been more level but my productivity is still completely gone. You triumphed over your OCD. You took control of your situation with your fantasy, making your fantasy concrete with your writing and through your plans for the poster and the album. You have more discipline than me. Your doing well even though no armour is perfect so obviously some things got through eventually. I don't even understand how I can have such a complete absence of willpower, motivation, discipline. It's like I don't WANT to get better or become a functional human being. Its not even 100% CO related. What is wrong with me? I've never been diagnosed with anything - am I just the world's number 1 most lazy useless spoiled brat. What would my CO think as one of the hardest working people in showbusiness it seems?
  8. Thanks a lot for your support Opal! I did just need to let off steam and this is the only place I can. I find her extremely attractive of course so enjoyed the scene itself! The first shock was basically seeing her go suddenly from relative obscurity to seemingly the number one most crushed on female celebrity on the internet. From the comments its not just guys perving - its a ton of guys who also had crushes on her that I simply didn't know about. The second shock was realising how bad this had affected me and how it makes me even more of a loser to be so affected by something so irrelevant to my "life". I'm not volunteering for the right reasons though. I'm not an altruist. I'm selfish. I just ABSOLUTELY HAVE to get out of sitting around at my parents house. I am decaying. And, as the volunteer placement provides board and lodging, this was the only way of doing that without either spending all my money or risking rejection from a potential employer. While at the same time getting to see an interesting part of the world and feel a bit better about myself. Thanks for a good luck though, I may not be a saint but it'll be better than where I am now anyway. Not a permanent solution though. I'll have to come home again.
  9. ARRRRGH rant time. Horrible week. Week that has thrown my mind upside down. I've lost all progress I made on concentration and the thought of getting my life back seems more impossible than ever largely because this week has delivered the most enormous, impossible to handle event in the history of my obsession. A few days a new small TV show she'd starred in premiered on netflix. Obviously I watched it but I had no idea what I was in for. I'll get straight to the point: this show was, completely out of the blue, the first time she has ever got naked on camera. She jumped right in at the deep end too, it was the exact opposite of just being a brief glimpse! The point of this post is not how I reacted to seeing that scene itself - you can probably work out that out for yourselves!! I logged straight into reddit after watching the episode, expecting to see her own little pervy fan group losing its and a few other places mentioning it. What I actually saw hit me like a ton of bricks: She was completely dominating every single pervy, celebrity related corner of reddit! In a few hours she had gone from being a relatively obscure, occasionally mentioned quirky little bit of comic relief or "unconventional crush" into being the single, number one, most crushed upon and perved over celebrity on the whole of reddit!!! I'd long been in denial for ages about how many guys had a crush on her and now they all came out the woodwork and their numbers swelled. She was the last person anyone expected to do this and reddit, clearly always full of her secret admirers, was going mental! (reddit is huge btw - what reddit thinks I take as meaning what a good proportion of my generation thinks - at least the geekier parts). I became uncontrollably obsessed with how popular she was. All hope of thinking of anything else or productivity completely vanished and instead the rest of the day was lost searching every corner of reddit, obsessed with somehow finding something counter to what I was seeing infront of me. Something to reassure me that none of it was true and she was still my quirky pretty funny nerd girl who I could actually fantasise about being with rather than the obsession of half the friggen internet. I eventually tore myself away to bed crazy late (not uncommon though) and couldn't sleep. I moved from obsessing with how popular she became to obsessing over the fact that I cared so much! The thing is - we have all felt that celebrity obsessions would be seen as weird to others. Even more so if you're a guy. But at least they follow the basic pattern that many are familiar - the celebrity crush - its just that they are a bit stronger. Looking at photos of them, fantasising about being with them, jealousy of their boyfriends and girlfriends. That is normal. A bit over intense with us. But normal. But WHAT THE HELL is being obsessed with how many guys like her?! That is inexplicable and weird because it's not like those guys have anything I don't - they won't be with her either. And I started to think about why I felt like this and the conclusions I reached revealed horrible things about me. That's the thing about having a CO for me - it reveals bad things about me. At a time in my life when I am at rock bottom and that's the last thing I need. Do I have some weird hipster fascination with my celebrity crush being different? Had I been subconsciously insulting her - seeing her as an "accessible" crush, seeing her as some sort of lower "rank" in some sense to the big name obvious hollywood beauties? And now her new found popularity was challenging this? What a reflection of how pathetic and low my self esteem is if that really is the case - so low that it affects my fantasies. I'm basically like a TV character - a walking stereotype of the pitiful spineless wimpy self loathing guy. Anyway - all these thoughts floating round my head led to a decision. TODAY IT ENDS! This turning point in her life would be a turning point in mine. I cannot live like this. It cannot go on. So it won't. I spent hours telling myself she is not what I think she is. Trying to convince myself I never really liked her, tried to think about things I didn't like about her and, most of all, told myself the sweet dorky girl image could not be true as she's much bigger celebrity than I wanted to admit. She is legitimately a celebrity. She is in a different world to me. We hear about how celebrities live different lives and I convinced myself that she's a minor enough celebrity so that I could think about relating to her, connecting with her. Now I wanted rid of her more than ever I tried to remind myself there's a lot less gap between her and the Brad Pitt's and Justin Bieber's of the world than I pretend. She lives in a different world despite how down to earth everything she seems. It's an illusion. She still causes excitement wherever she goes, goes in big TV shows, VIP entrance, glamorous parties, 1%er can afford most of what she wants, non stop life etc. etc. - I'm nothing. I couldn't relate to her. I'm just demeaning myself even more than I'm already degraded. So it has to end and I have to go back to focussing on my own life. No more reddit. No sites related to her, no planning on visiting her or watching things she's in. None of this worked. Obsession still there and what's worse, ridiculous obsession with determining how popular she is getting stronger. Spent hours on friggen GOOGLE TRENDS! What a weird site to spend hours on. Comparing her to every obvious hollywood beauty I could think of, hoping not to see the trend I saw - all these obvious hollywood beauties were more searched for than her most of the time but suddenly, when that TV show appeared, her popularity spiked to the stratosphere - more than her popularity has ever spiked before - overtaking many of the obvious hollywood beauties. All this lead to me wasting so much time over the few days that I pretty much gave up even trying to be productive after that. The thing about CO for me, as I mentioned briefly in a previous post, is that there's no point even trying to force it out my brain unless I've got something I actually care about to think of instead. The problem isn't her. The problem is that I have absolutely in my life to replace her. You can't remove one part of my brain and put nothing back to replace it. It creates a vacuum. I've sort of given up with jobs. Given up dreams. Reached the conclusion I'll never get this game written. Tiny tiny tiny tiny tiny nothing pieces of code take days like trying to remove a beach one grain of sand at a time and its made me pretty much give up. I'm applying for teaching. This is a disaster. I don't want to teach. But it's the only actual thing I can apply for. I've got volunteering abroad arranged for a few months in a while. I'm doing something. Earthquake relief providing free board and lodging so it gets me away from my parents without needing to burn through my savings as much as just backpacking. Gets me out the house. I guess until then and after then browsing my web non stop is my fate. I have less will power than anyone else on earth. Why did I think that I could actually connect with a beautiful amazing celebrity just because she seemed more accessible when I wouldn't be worth looking at for even the lowest most pathetic woman on earth right now?! Arrrgh Sorry I know its getting ridiculous how I vanish and then resurface to write these incomprehensible mega rants.
  10. Of course there are ways of interacting with a celebrity. What would be enough? Meeting her at a meet and greet and have her sign something or having her reply to a comment you make online? I know that probably isn't what your wanting but maybe it would get her out of your system. What does your fiancee think of this - does she believe that having some small interaction with Mila would bring an end to this so you can just go back to your life with your Fiancee as a happy, obsession free man with eyes only for her or would she see any sort of interaction with Mila as a thread? What do you really believe for that matter - you sure some small interaction with Mila would bring it to an end or does some part of you think it might be a bad idea? Is there any other way you think you could possibly get your life back?
  11. @SophieViolet95 Congratulations in getting yourself some classes! How are they going? And it may not be CO related but I've reached the conclusion that any attempt to get control over an obsession through willpower alone is futile. Having something fulfilling beyond your CO is a much better way. And as for that photo - it is nice when a CO, usually someone who, for me anyway, halts any attempt at life or productivity, actually gives us a nice positive message instead! I've mentioned once or twice nice positive messages about creativity from my CO. Of course they don't work when my mind is so full of her I can't do anything else ARRRGH!
  12. @posie_riot Nah you're not a nutcase, or if you are we all are. I'm about to write something (next post or whenever I manage to get my own situation right now into words) that will probably make me sound like the biggest nutcase of all. Arrrgh I've encountered people like her before. Do your other colleagues ever complain about her? She probably forgot what she saw on your screen the moment she turned away, if she even saw anything. We are so obsessed with these things (naturally, because they concern our obsessions) that we lose a sense of perspective over how little other people care. If you aren't looking for a celebrity's name on someone's computer, you don't even think about celebrity crushes and your mind is focused on some stupid e-mail that you've sent instead. If she has a reputation for being a Biotch then I guess that's her obsession huh. She's too busy thinking about the next way she'll victimize someone. She should be more embarrassed that she is who she is, no doubt subject to much hatred and backchat, than you should for something that your own business. This reminds me of an embarrassing incident that happened in a hostel. When you travel you end up exchanging contact details so often and a common way of doing that is "hey - here's my phone, can you type your name into my facebook so I can add you?". I always try to find ways of avoiding this because as soon as you type anything in my facebook you can probably guess what comes up. My CO's own page, her fan page, her band's page and normally about 3 other pages obviously connected to her. One time this lead to a weird argument. Another backpacker was getting baffled and frustrated that I wouldn't let her enter her name in my fb. I'd say something like Me: "it's ok. It's just easier if I type your name down" Her: "but why? surely it's easier if you let me type my name?" Me: "I just find it easier personally" Her: "but why?! That doesn't make sense?!" Mr: "don't worry. It's spelt xxxxxxx isn't it?" Her: "no my name's hard to spell! you're acting very oddly! Are you hiding something?" Can't remember the exact conversation. Something along those lines! Anyway, anecdotes of me being weird and awkward aside: You're imagination is probably going into overdrive w.r.t. the pregnancy and seeing a random photo probably fuels that. I don't know if hearing something more concrete would necessarily be worse. At least its not left up to your imagination. I mean I don't know your mind, and how it operates regarding obsessions. I barely understand my own. Only you know. But maybe it is the time to give yourself at least some control back of what you see and when. Maybe complete avoidance is not the best policy. You've avoided him for how long now? Has it helped?
  13. @Audrey822 err mixed. Thanks for asking. I can't keep this diary. How do I write something every second for every thought which enters my head? When I already consume every second I have of life and accomplish less with my time than everyone else in the world - absolutely nothing. I had in my mind that I'd blown a month just lounging around at home since getting home from travelling. Turns out its a month and a week now. That small difference hit like a ton of bricks and made me think dark thoughts. I'm not sick, nothing external has happened to me, it is not hard to just shut off the internet and if I do it for long enough my brain should come back. I don't know if my brain will come back if I shut off the internet for long enough - but I haven't even tried! My therapist said I should get my concentration back if I managed to avoid the internet for long enough. Nothing bad has happened to me I'm just the worlds laziest spoiled brat who won't just get off his ass and do something. I don't even want to discuss my CO with him now. Dreading my appointment. She is not the problem - she just gives me something to talk about rather than focus on the fact I'm a lazy brat who could just stop wasting every second but I won't. Avoidance technique. You know sometimes I think if I'd pretended I wasn't obsessed rather than talking about it on this forum all the time it would have gone away of its own accord. Was I even obsessed back before I started telling myself I was? Now I've made it concrete and completely inescapable and talking about it with my therapist just makes it more so. I feel now I have to see her ( @Audrey822 and @perfectcircle77 seeing as we're talking about meeting CO's) But I've fantasized so much about meeting her reality could never live up to fantasy. Whenever I hear fans say how nice she is in person and how down to earth and how much time she has for her fans I love her more and then I realise this builds up the illusion even further. It doesn't matter how nice she is. She's still a star and at a meet and greet she is still surrounded by fans and being nice and down to earth doesn't change the fact that time is limited and every one of us wants to meet her and she couldn't possibly remember just one of the many fans who she has spent a few seconds with. One of the key aspects of my obsession is how small this makes me feel. It's degrading having an obsession. I cease to be a person who can hold my head up as an equal against people who I actually know and can talk to as equals and become just a tiny little fan drooling over my goddess who has accomplished a million times more than I ever will and wouldn't even notice me. This is why in my fantasies I am a better version of me. Often these days I've sold my game and am an indie games developer. Ironically even that wouldn't make a difference - it wouldn't make any difference to her if an individual fan happens to be unemployed and living with parents or have a cool job - they are all just pieces of paper to sign and photos to take with. The thing is she's very far from being an A lister. Information and images that make her seem more celebrity-like shatter the girl next door illusion and make me seem even more like a pathetic tiny fan. I feel guilty when I don't want to be super famous, obviously. If your CO isn't already an A lister, out of interest, how would you react if they became one? Despite this, meeting her is the only thing I could truly look forward to now that I know could happen. Having my own girlfriend? Hahahaha forget that! Being successful at something myself? Equally no chance. I want to meet her before she has a boyfriend that I know of otherwise I know all I'd be able to think of would be him. Very very harmful reckless unrealistic aim! She discussed her love life in an interview a month or so back - she was single with a limited romantic history as she has always been married to her creativity (makes me love her more) and yet going out on dates so she could have met someone already even. Also I have a feeling I may have just discovered who one of her previous boyfriends is and I don't quite want to believe it. Makes me feel such a pathetic loser even thinking of this - what would she think of some drooling little worm like me obsessing about her love life? Creepier than just obsessing about her. @Audrey822 It's great that you find such support here! I love this place - most the time I just write stuff whether I get a response or not I just feel better when I finished writing it than when I start. If nothing else it's a place where I get to talk about her . But I think listening more to this place than to a therapist is a possible trap that one can get into because this place is so nice and we all share our experiences and generally agree with each other and rarely challenge. I hope what I'm saying doesn't sound presumptive or anything - I'm not really someone who should be giving advice given my own mess, but there is clearly something you want to let go of - the pain - and I find actual therapy like CBT that does involve a therapist telling you what to do is the only way to really get rid of pain. I mean what does she actually respond when you reply to her saying you should get rid of your CO and you say that actually you don't want to get rid of your CO? Does she clarify exactly what she wants you do? Whether it really is getting rid of your CO or some state in between? I think you need a lengthy detailed answer to that question although I imagine you've already discussed it in detail. @nothingatall7777 I've actually read every one of your posts and once or twice drafted responses. There's not many guys in this forum so I guess I wish I knew how to advise the one or two other guys that are here. I didn't finish posting them though as I'm just not really sure what you are actually looking for from this forum. You seem to want to talk to Mila and not us but then, on the other hand, there are much better places to post your messages if you really wanted Mila to see it so you're clearly in this forum specifically for some reason? What do you really really want in the long run, real deep honest answer? To end up with Mila? To get some recognition from Mila that would be some sort of release, or closure, so you could get back to the life you really want with your fiancee? To stop wanting to communicate or end up with Mila - to remove her from your mind or reduce her burden on your mind? How are things going for you right now - with your fiancee, with your therapy - I think you mentioned you were having it?
  14. Well I told my therapist. It wasn't planned. He got it out of me by asking enough questions about exactly what distracted me. Although I guess partly I wanted to say anyway, but I was still nervous and embarrassed. He was very supportive. Said it's not that unusual, not even for 30 year old males and there's a reason why I think about her so much which we're going to get to the bottom of. He was supportive. I regret calling him confrontational last message - it just takes me a moment to get used to a new therapist. He also though asked me to keep a journal of every time I thought about her. Not looking to the prospect of doing that. I was doing better at avoiding internet and her and I said that to him, but now I'm not... going backwards. arrrgh.
  15. @fabulousrockstar I had a colleague who didn't get the career he wanted until he was in his 50s so it's never too late. Right now I'm trying to approach it with the philosophy that if it takes a year or 2 years to get my screwed up life together then it will probably feel permanent as I feel I need a solution NOW, but against the whole span of life it actually isn't that much. You just need to be patient and make small improvements one step at a time. That's what I'll try to do although I know easier said than done. Even if the first steps are entirely internal like finding something you like about yourself. If you are writing then you are doing something productive. You are accomplishing something. Writing is not easy - I find it so impossible I've pretty much abandoned my travel blog as I just couldn't find the words and it's too late now. If you are managing to do any writing at all then you are above someone who is just daydreaming all day and isn't accomplishing anything. If you have an active imagination, as shown by your daydreams, then you have something which not everyone has, something that can lead to creativity and generally being a more interesting person (even though it causes you pain). I did read your whole post, and went back to look at your previous posts. Sometimes you sound happier, hope you find that happiness against and just hang in there. @posie_riot How's the avoiding google going? I'm the last person in the world to talk about discipline but I hope posting here has given you incentive. I feel as though you should come back and report every so often as to how its going as that would be more of an incentive. Do you use web blockers? 2 months is impressive though even if you slipped up more recently! @Audrey822 I did mention lack of concentration but I don't think I conveyed that just avoiding the web isn't enough. I think this is why I so rarely manage to avoid the web. What's the point? If I avoid it it doesn't make me work. Nothing will. I'm desperate, this is more than willpower, I need my brain removed and re-aligned but no therapist can do that so I don't know what exactly I want him to do! At the end of the day only I can fix myself - but how?!
  16. Well, right now I am right now completely incapable of living my life. When I finally manage to switch the internet off my mind doesn't function for more than a few minutes at a time before wondering off, making the task of gaining skills and finding a job seem impossible. Generally where it wonders is related to my CO. That is why I am on this board. That combined with the shame and embarrassment I feel at the amount of time I spend thinking about a woman who doesn't know I exist. I also know it would crush me when some inevitable boyfriend news arrives. On the other hand, if I stopped thinking about my CO I don't know if my concentration would come back. I have the feeling she's just the current place my mind goes and my mind is not going to stick around right now no matter what because I have more fundamental difficulties concentrating. Evidence for this is that it's certainly not always her and I had problems concentrating before she came into my life also, although then I did at least have a job so wasn't in such a bad place and my distractions were less shameful (actual valid topics of interest - skimming through wiki articles on prehistory etc). This is part of the reason I'm reluctant to make the therapy about my CO. My therapist seems more confrontational than previous ones which makes it more difficult although maybe I just need to build a rapport. And it's ok I actually still don't know his name so no worries Of course I have watched those interviews many times!
  17. No you didn't upset me! I upset myself - I was just in a stupid mood when I ranted. I should be the one apologizing - it was a good article. When I was a functional, albeit mediocre, member of society I thought the same as you, except it wasn't just successful people - I pretty much came out worse no matter who I compared myself to. Now I just wish I was back where I used to be - mediocre but functional. At the end of the day I think that the only real difference between regular joes and superstar olympic champions, singers/actors etc. is that they get paid for the thing that makes them special while we don't generally get paid for whatever we do that makes us special. Not a big difference and luck and circumstance plays a part in that.
  18. I also finally got a therapist! Online though mainly because it seemed like the quickest way to get one. I couldn't even face mentioning having a CO though, he'd just see it as a minor but embarrassing detail of the overall pattern of me avoiding doing anything productive. He just told me what I've heard many times - that I'm not a failure because I'm just not trying, I'm giving up and assuming failure before I start and that's why I waste all my time on the net. I won't make progress with this until I convey that even when I avoid the net my mind just doesn't focus, and I can't control my mind no matter what decisions I make.
  19. OK. Calmer post. I just got out to the shops as I really needed to get away from the computer screen. It's not the longer cycle ride I hoped to do today but at least a bit of fresh air and it's helped clear my mind. And then I come home to a lovely message from @Audrey822 which helped cheer me up more. Thankyou! I have been keeping up with what you've posted. Did you manage to write any more to your story? I felt that that was such a good idea. I try to let my CO obsession inspire creativity in me and it is definitely using this obsession for the best, although my fantasies are too mundane for stories. And anything that does more to make your reality the real and concrete one, as opposed to less pleasant realities, seems like a good idea. I just ended up ranting as anything that sets off the "if other people can feel bad with X what does that make me?" chain of thoughts is kind of the biggest button for me. It shouldn't be though and I'm actually quite glad though that @OpalP25 posted the link on mediocrity as it made me think about it. This chain of thoughts of mine is not logical. Low self esteem can hit you in any situation. If you google celebrities with low self esteem, as I have several times, you get a lot of hits (probably some of them are people's CO's which is an interesting somewhat ironic thought - just goes to show you can hate yourself while someone else thinks you are the best person on earth - who is right?). Hell, in my better days I may even have said things that triggered that thought in others. I was actually doing a bit better today before I finally lost my self control and turned off the internet blockers. I had gone an unusually long time without turning them off! I was getting frustrated though that avoiding the internet isn't the end of the story. It doesn't enable me to be productive as it doesn't stop me thinking about her, just looking at her, but even small improvements should be embraced. I do have ideas for where I go next in life. They all seem really seriously full of holes but its better than nothing. Related to what you are saying about everyone having different talents - after reading that I couldn't resist once again repeating what is clearly part of my lovely beautiful CO's life philosophy, or at least something she has said more than once in interviews. This isn't an exact quote as I need to not be going back through all her interviews, that's feeding my addiction, but something along the lines of "only you can do what you do". No matter how amazing someone else's work might seem, how incredibly talented they might seem compared to your opinion of your own work, they cannot create exactly what you create and that in itself means your work will always have value. She was also asked in an interview what her tip for success was and she just said no matter what you've done, however small or unfinished, just get it out there! Don't be shy and get it out there, show someone, put it online, most important thing. This attitude has made her one of the most uniquely talented and creative people in show business (hah obviously I would think that!) Hopefully this should inspire those of you who are creating something @Audrey822 and @ColdFire. Obviously some things you create are probably for your eyes only but if you do get into writing fanfiction which is less private then there are tons of places online to host fanfiction, or any other fiction you might write. I'm trying to be inspired for the game I'm trying to write. I'll put it online even when it's not finished! I just need to get it playable again after breaking it and even that feels impossible when battling my inability to focus! I feel like I'm pushing rocks up the hill so much, a days work and the actual improvement in the game is not even visible! And some of my life plans depend on being able to at least put it online! Aww thanks! Out of interest have you seen her beyond those photos? I actually just looked up your CO's band (partly because of course my youtube front page is completely covered with my CO and so I need something else on my watching history as youtube suggestions don't help beating my addiction) and have their songs on play now! They really are good! It's not even the type of music I normally listen to but I'm getting quite into it.
  20. I'm unemployed, living with parents and don't even know where to begin job hunting as every career option seems impossible when my mind quite simply DOES NOT WORK. I cannot think of a single productive thought for more than 5 seconds and so instead I just spend 24 hours a day daydreaming about, looking at, watching a woman who doesn't know I exist and would be repulsed by me. I'm not getting enough exercise, my hobbies are collapsing, I don't want to talk to anyone because they have jobs. I HAVE THE COMPLETE SET FAILURE WISE IN EVERY DIMENSION!! I genuinely can't even think of a way I could have failed worse!! Is there any? People answer that question with things like "you could be a drug addict" NO - drug addiction only happens because of how life messes you up. Life hasn't messed me up. I MESSED MY OWN LIFE UP! When people talk like me people normally give advice about "self esteem" but in this case it's different - hating myself is the completely rational response to the utterly utterly extreme failure described above. Anyone would agree on that. It would be a sign of mental illness if I DIDN'T despise myself!!! I'm sorry to respond to your kind words like this @Clarissa I did read them. I do appreciate them. Thanks. I just needed to rant out of frustration that apparently I'm trying to climb to exactly the same point ("mediocrity") that most people would consider a demotion. It feels like dreaming that one day you'll be able to get a C on your exams, only to listen to people all around complain about how they "hope they don't get as low as a C!". That's my whole "life".
  21. This is one thing that makes me want to just curl up into a ball and die more than anything else: Here you have someone who IS PAID MONEY TO DO SOMETHING CREATIVE! A journalist who WRITES ARTICLES FOR A MAJOR ONLINE MAGAZINE complaining about how disappointed they are with themselves: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE COMATOSE LUMP THAT IS ME?!?! In fact that one sentence above sums up my entire life. I spend every day encountering people who have done better than me (i.e. literally every single human being who has ever lived) who still complain about being losers and failures - WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME?!?
  22. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHH! That Article! I DREAM of being mediocre! Every day of my life I WISH I was mediocre! It is my greatest ambition in life to be mediocre! When you are the lowest most incompetent at life pile of crap waste of oxygen that has ever lived like me being merely mediocre would be a massive promotion! It really really stings to be reminded that everyone else on the planet is so far above my head that they actually DON'T WANT to be mediocre!
  23. @Audrey822 Hi I hope you're doing ok today! I'll just echo what everyone said about their being so little info out there! I think the blog is a wonderful idea! I'll be happy to contribute! Well... I'm sinking again. It all seems a bit pointless. Dreams of meeting my CO, looking after myself, exercise, trying to socialise, everything. It is all completely pointless if I can't get a job and right now I'm making no progress towards getting a job. I haven't even started. I've sunk again to wasting most of my time after improving for one day. I've actually done better at avoiding my CO but the problem is that I click on youtube coz I want to watch videos of her and I manage to check myself in time, to force myself not to finish typing in her name or whatever I'm looking for or click on one of the suggestions which is usually of her, but once I'm on youtube I will always end up clicking on something. Or I do the same with social media - I will always end up clicking on something. If I'm slowly replacing CO addiction with general web addiction it doesn't help me. I still think about her a lot anyway. update: halfway through writing this message I did end up back on all her sites. I then ended up reading through all the messages from guys crushing on her. The hard part is a mixture of the initial reaction plus the resulting shame at the fact this bothers me. How weird would anyone else regard that!? A grown man being bothered that many others crush on the same celeb he does?! I mean half the time I look at her and wonder how anyone in the world (male or female hah!) DOESN'T have a crush on her! She's like a ray on sunshine - lights up anything she's involved in. I have seen a few stalkery messages. That makes me feel worse and she'd be aware of them so it would make her reaction far more negative to my own obsessing. arrgh But all irrelevant, whether or not I beat addiction, why even try, if I just can't get a job anyway. My best friend came over today. I experienced the only time since getting back when I felt any sort of real happiness about my actual life (i.e. not CO happiness that always leaves me embarrassed afterwards) when he tried out the half finished computer game I've been writing slowly for years and really enjoyed it and kept on asking to play it more and asking me about it! But then he discovered really hard bugs which my weakened mind unable to focus doesn't stand a chance at fixing. He also said when he went on a careers interview years ago and it really didn't help, which I already suspected. Different situation but still - as I said if I can't make steps towards getting a job everything is irrelevant and booking a careers interview is the only step I've made! No use having a good game if I can't finish it, no use having anything if I can't get a job. @Miss Pedantic hahaha! I loved that video! The end really made it "I... met. a girl" It's been a while since I watched their show and I haven't watched all episodes but I know exactly what you mean about the irony of being an obsessive fan. I guess I know which character you relate to! Not that they seem to mind her much when they initially get over her craziness, even actually asking her at one point to switch her obsession from one to the other, I think to your CO, when he's feeling low! I guess it's a good show to watch to cheer up those of us who are worried about how our CO's would react. Also, yes! She's absolutely unforgettable in everything she's been in! And in everything she's in her music will appear somewhere, even if she doesn't play it. Thank you! Thanks for your advice also about mental health. I haven't even managed to book a therapists yet. Scared of finding out I can't get help for months because they're always busy and then scared of the process. I find it makes me so self conscious. If I'm feeling better when I go to an appointment I feel as though I shouldn't be because that means I'm just whining - taking up a slot that should go to someone with real problems not just someone who wants to go on and on and on about their celebrity crush like a teenager. I have a friend who, without going into details, is currently suffering a REAL very very real personal tragedy, and I'm whining about something like this where the solution is simple - turn off the internet and get on with it - but I can't! @posie_riot You know it really made me smile the thought of my CO's music helping someone else with their CO. I think I can guess which song too! There is one which is perfectly appropriate! Thank you! The buzz I get now that people know who my CO is and have said things about her is amazing! Lifted me up a little when I'm starting to sink again. I was also lifted up by being told I'm not a creep and that you don't think men aren't here just because don't get CO's on the whole. This forum helps in so many different ways! But I will need to tone down response length/frequency again for a bit... I still read everything though. Also @posie_riot when you said about how much you adore him and how it only makes sense that you should meet - that's exactly how I feel. I love her so much how can I not see her some day? It's like it doesn't even make sense that she doesn't know I exist, the contrast with my own feelings are too great, but then as soon as I leave the meet and greet she will once again not know I exist (I mean - being one fan among so many who she met very briefly is essentially the same as not knowing I exist). I wish I had fallen in love with a fictional character, not a real person. With real life crushes though: the fact is that while my life is such a mess I couldn't pursue anyone so I suppose it is better falling for someone truly unobtainable rather than being reminded that the ONLY reason I can't pursue a girl I like and actually know is that my life is such a mess. That'd be a different sort of frustrating and one I don't think I could handle. I guess there are good things to this sort of obsession while we're in our down phases of our lives. Maybe that's why our mind does this to us. Of course none of this is relevant if I can't get a job and the down phase proves to not be a phase but be permanent.
  24. One more thing I forgot to say - when I was working I was baffled at how much people managed to fit into their time. It caused me such pain. And yet now, looking back, I'm baffled as to how *I* managed to fit in what I did into my time (although it wasn't that much). It clearly is what you said, about momentum. This is one of the best arguments for not comparing yourself to others. I just need to think like that when I'm one of my much lower moods.
  25. Thanks :) Thanks! I really need to stop reading those reddit threads.
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