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  1. Arrgh I feel so much the same. And I'm 30 with only a total of 5 months worth of relationship and one sexual partner in my entire life so that alone makes me undateable without the fricken depression and anxiety. But remember the wedding vows say "in sickness and in health". Casual flings is one thing but if someone is searching for a life partner then at some point chances are that they will be with someone who is really struggling emotionally not just physically. It's a fact of life, just some people have it worse than others, not a core of your identity. People these days (and especially people on the internet urrgh) are too focussed on "red flags" and have forgotten about actual love.
  2. I was taken to a child psychiatrist when I was about 8 or 9 (partly due to lashing out at other kids at school and throwing tantrums). He said it may have been aspergers but didn't think the label would be helpful. As an adult my mum has casually said that she thinks both me and my dad might have it. A therapist has said I have elements of an aspergers mindset but not that I have it. The thing is though - I'm like a pyschological/neuro hyperchondriac - I've self diagnosed myself with pretty much every non physical thing going at some point despite not really fitting the criteria for anything and, for me, its not helpful. It's almost an obsession in its own right! I'm just searching for some excuse for how I've ended up where I am - almost certainly single for the rest of my life, unable to connect with people, too wimpish to ask a girl out, with a CO, feeling I can't do my job, lacking basic life skills, not exersizing, void of interests besides me CO these days and wasting all my free time on the internet. If there isn't a medical explanation then I'm just plain really bad at life - and that's harder to stomach. Especially when pretty much everyone seems to have something psychological or neuro these days and yet they're all doing better at the stuff I just listed than I am. Interesting that @HopelessRomantic2011 mentioned being an only child. I am too. Are there many of us here? It would make sense if there's a correlation between being an only child and having a CO. You do learn to live in your own mind a bit when you don't have brothers and sisters to play with growing up.
  3. From the point of view of my own CO I've got a different problem. Her male fanbase is a 1000 copies of me. They don't speculate about her love life, they publicly, shamelessly, wish they were dating her. It fricken kills me because it cuts short my fantasies. I dream of being with her only to remember that I'm dreaming of exactly the same thing as a million other guys. Ruins it as it makes it less personal. I'm not her soulmate. Weird lonely guys fall for her. That's a fact. I'm a weird lonely guy. I fell for her. It was predictable. She must find this documented phenomena about herself very bizarre and uncomfortable, she only ever set out to entertain and amuse people. @Audrey822 As it turns out there is no danger of me replacing my CO. So much for my obsession "waning", I'm wasting as much time on endless youtube vides of her as ever. There's always another vid of a live performance or interview with her and if its recommended to me I must watch it. That's part of my obsession. I should probably clear my youtube history so it stops recommending her but I can't bring myself to do that. With the interviews I get a strange satisfaction that I know what her answer will be before she's answered as I've watched so many interviews with her and there's only so many questions they ever ask. So much for internet dating. If a really good rapport with endless discussion with a girl I know in real life is never going to lead to a relationship then how can I expect to get a relationship with some online girl that I can barely get the odd 2 sentence message out of?! And yet I'm never going to ask a girl I know in real life on a date as there's never signs she actually likes me so what can I do?! I'll have to just stick to fantasy relationships and I guess its better having one of those with someone I'll never meet than with someone where it could actually harm my day to day interractions with them. I have at least got one hope though. A dating site "meetup" singles event thing is coming up wednesday and I'm going to it! Finally, a situation where I can talk to women knowing that dating is on their mind when they talk to me, due to the nature of the event, rather than assuming the suggestion of a date with me would be a lightning bolt out the blue and horrifying to them. The problem is I'd be surrounded by normal functioning guys showing off their ****ing "game" and generally being smooth and confident and attractive and having good fashion sense and a ****ing full head of hair. I'd probably give up trying to compete and go home early. @imalittleteapot, @HopelessRomantic2011 Regarding the shame of liking younger guys - I don't think I'd find it weird if an older woman was into me. Think I'd be flattered. Although I'm not the best example as no woman likes me. My CO is a little older than me (6 years) and I have liked one woman older than that, not sure how old, not that much older but in her 40s anyway. Her bearing a resemblance to my CO was a factor though! She was married of course.
  4. Can't find the quote but someone said that being obsessed with a celebrity's relationships is seen as more acceptable than wanting him or her to be single so we can dream of being with him/her. Not sure that's always true. Look at how people react to celebrity breakups - I've seen enough comments about along the lines "good news girls! Ryan Gosling is on the market again!" or whoever it is. Sure it's mostly just joking but there's poorly hidden genuine feelings beneath the joking. The media is just as obsessed with breakups as it is with new potential relationships and it does not do much to hide its glee and pretend to be sympathetic. Look at how nuts the media went when Brangelina broke up. There's another factor involved here too: envy. We all, as humans, love to envy others becauses its easier to mutter in a sea of delicious bitterness about how much Wayne Rooney earns for kicking a ball about while we have to slave away at a desk all day than it is to admit that, on a global scale, it is us who are the lucky ones. So when it turns out that the lives of the superstars is not perfect even if it takes the breakup of long term marriage with children(!) people love it! Anyway, that may be an aside but it has a point - that a few comments about wishing a celebrity finds love does not change the fact that the world at large generally makes very little pretence that it genuinely wants the best for its celebrity heroes. We, who are in love with a celebrity and want them to be happy.... with us... are certainly very far from being the worst. In either case you should never be ashamed of feelings you can't help. Besides fans obsessing over a celebrity's love life and analysing every photo are the ones invading their privacy. If I was a celebrity I'd be more p***** off that I couldn't hang out with a female friend in public or let my relationship develop at its own rate without 1000 fans constantly going on about whether we are dating and how serious it is. Seems like much more invasive than some lonely woman dreaming that she's in a relationship with me.
  5. I've had employers catch me crying before and they were sympathetic. Employers are human. They may have been through tough times themselves or had friends like that. A good company will give you some sort of mentor and stress on the first day that you can come to them if you have any concerns about anything. When I started my new job the first thing the (big) boss said was the only thing I need to remember is that I should always ask for help rather than get frustrated. You need a mentor. If you can find someone in an industry you might like to work in then that's ideal. Who can tell you how to best explain a gap and counterract the a******s online. You certainly aren't the first by a long shot who has had a long career break due to mental health problems. It's the sort of thing the world is finally waking up to and learning that it has to respect that these happen to people, through no fault of their own. Is there an employment section of this forum? Or a similar forum. Where you can find out what people in your position actually did. You done anything like volunteering or clubs and socs? As for motivation. Can't figure this out myself. But if you can stay off the internet and do something productive for half an hour then you have motivation and can get out of this. Baby steps. @fabulousrockstar is it going any better now? Your post was heartbreaking. You managing to take your meds again? I hope things get better for you. For a few days utter hell. Not so bad right now. First I started to replace (unthinkable! Never thought it would happen!) my lovely CO with the lovely girl at work as my main obsession. I quickly realised that for all my complaints about having a CO obsessing over someone you see every day but who is completely unobtainable is even worse! Where would I run when she got a bf? I felt I should avoid her, make excuses when they invite me to things to avoid pain down the line but they are my only social life in this new city. I watched loads of CO videos, trying to retreat back to my familiar obsession but no. Now I had 2 obsessions and nothing I could do about it. The CO one definitely waning. So instead I did online dating for 100% the wrong reasons - to give me someone else to think about not her. I've considered doing the same thing when at the peak of my CO obsession many times but a mess like me writing an online dating profile is like selling a car with the wheels fallen off and the roof collapsed. I had a short period of higher mood though following a walk with my best friend so I wrote what I thought was a good, positive profile and agonized for hours trying to write message after message. 18 messages to various women and a few days later - NOT A SINGLE RESPONSE.... I am such a wreck of oversensitivity and paranoia this threw me into the worst low for a while. Proof I really am undateable and I will have to live alone forever. When one thing goes wrong I think of everything else. I thought that I can't even reassure myself that I'm one of those perpetually shy single geeky guys with a good career or artistic or intellectual passions to make up for it because I don't have those. I'm nothing. I smashed my head against my room door to hurt myself but didn't account for my head being harder than the door and I caused a split in it and thereby damaged the property of the first live in landlady I've had for years who is actually nice to me! I realised what I had done and cried and cried until she came upstairs. I explained all through tears. She was forgiving and sympathetic and recommended a counsellor. AND THEN I STARTED TO GET A FEW RESPONSES TO THE MESSAGES I SENT ONLINE! If I'd just waited another day before losing it. Like I said - I'm a mess - selling a car with no wheels. I will get counselling though. Counselling has never cured me but it has kept me ticking over. Maybe if I have someone to talk to this time I'll be able to respond to these women online, privately enjoy my enchanting CO and concentrate on being friends with my colleague while focussing on other women romantically without ending up a door smashing mega wreck again. Maybe at least get a date. Maybe properly replace my CO some day. I'm feeling functional right now. It doesn't last when I'm on my own but I hope counselling can make it last and make me fit enough to at least see what happens with these women online. ArRRGH reading through that it must sound so absurd to hear a guy like me talk about dating.
  6. Yes 1000 times yes! This is why I spent 3 months lying on my parents sofa and applied for teaching which I didn't really want to do! Then started applying and the phone wouldn't stop ringing! @OpalP25 Main lesson I learnt from this - 90% of what people tell you about you having to have X, Y and Z is just wrong. Most of what people say, especially on the internet, seems specifically designed to scare people or put them off making an effort. I don't know why it is. Some people think it makes them tough to give "tough love" lessons on what a hard and judgemental place the world is. That or they're just bitter. Or they don't want to admit there's a more fundamental reason they aren't getting jobs or dates than the X, Y or Z they keep going on about. Either way employers are people. Potential partners are people. YOU are a potential partner therefore do you think you'd judge a guy in the way that you are scared of being judged yourself? I dunno, maybe you do, but if you can relate to him, he's on the same level, then maybe those million and one things society thinks should put anyone off a potential partner will cease to apply. whether you are aware of it consciously or not telling yourself you aren't good enough is probably at least partly drawn from some "information" gleaned from this mass of bulls***. Something someone, online or IRL has told you either about yourself or society in general. So its not an opinion to be trusted. Have faith in yourself. Anyone who likes cats is awesome in my view anyway regardless of what they think of themselves haha. Easier said than done I know as you can tell well from my rants. @posie so you realise the job market probably isn't as horrible as you think (it isn't! Lots of places seriously need people! That's the story which the media with its obsession with everything being ultra competitive doesn't tell us) ? Is convincing yourself of this fact that you know the main think stopping you getting a job? Or are other factors involved? I know anxiety is a problem. I struggle with that too. But there has to be a way around. The working world really isn't that mean and people are usually actually nice in most industries and sympathetic to whatever people are going through. ARRRGH if I could strangle the supposedly influential ***** who write "tough love" blogs about how "yous boss won't care about X so deal with it! Grow some balls!" (people write similar things about relationships - mainly aimed at straight men) Don't focus on society's obsession with the negative! What is the main thing blocking you? Yes I know my every post contradicts my every other post. My brain rocks back and forth every day. Thanks for giving me reason to write this response though. Sometimes I need a vehicle to be more positive as I sure as hell can't be positive about myself.
  7. I haven't kept up with any sort of music! One way having a CO has messed me up is making me a boring cultural void as all my time and mind space is taken up with her. Of other songs I do know though "Haven't met you now by Michael Buble is not about unrequited love" but seems kinda relevant. @posie_riot and @Audrey822 thanks for your encouragement but there is no possibility whatsoever I could end up with anyone including my new real life crush. I work with this woman for a start. They invite everyone to everything. I'm just the only one who comes as the others have lives and families. I've been doing stuff with them all the time. Close as I've got to having a life. So many highs. But then there's the pressure to be interesting and the worry it will stop and some part of me thinks this is all pointless as I can't tell her how I feel. For a while a real life crush started replacing my CO but then the pressure built up and to comfort me I started watching videos and pics etc. of my CO more again. I always retreat back to her. Why am I undateable? I tried answering this a ton of ways but you've read pages of my diseased ramblings over the time I've been here full of obsession and self loathing - they screem undateable on their own. But at the end of the day you don't get to be 30 while having barely dated, without something being very very very wrong with you. Most of society doesn't think its possible to be in that situation. How do I mentally process having done so badly at the core of human existence that most of society doesn't even think it is possible to do this badly? Any woman would run a mile in an instant as soon as she found out my lack of past. "Chemistry" doesn't exist in my world. I think part of my brain is missing. Instead I get excited every time I even talk to a girl in any depth and joke with her. And then next day I have nothing left to say. And then I'd see her interract with another guy and I'd remember a healthy human has 100 people they talk and joke with on that level and there's nothing special about my interraction with her. EVERY SINGLE TIME! I couldn't go on with this cycle. The only way to maintain some dignity and avoid the anguish was to be a guy who had chosen not to have relationships. Not to try. Turns out though that I can't force myself not to feel things for women and so a strategy my subconsious used was to choose a woman where I'd never have that cycle because I'd never meet her. It didn't work it just caused other problems. I'm pleased people seem to these days have a positive outlook on their CO's. Call it true love if that's what it is. I can't join you - having a CO is part of my disease. A psychiatrist could explain exactly why I have a CO and even, to some extent, why her in particular I focused on. I'm pretty sure I've reduced her to a set of attributes. I can't see her as a soulmate as it seems the most perverse thing in the world. Chop a soul in half. One half puts her all into everything becomes a famous actress, musician, comedian, cartoonist, lots of other stuff too. The other half sits in his room all day browsing the internet and moaning and can barely look after himself. That doesn't make sense. Seems twisted. Like zoophilia or incest.
  8. ARRRRGGGGHH I need to find a way to remove all romantic and sexual attraction to women! Making me attracted to women is a cruel cruel trick the universe insists on playing on me as I already realised years ago I'm undateable. My CO was a safety mechanism. If I must be attracted to someone make it someone I'll never meet so I can get on with life, interract with people in a normal way and feel no pressure in how I behave. I'd rather be someone who has accepted his fate than the loser who keeps making ever more pathetic attempts. Well, the safety mechanism has just failed as I have now started working with the world's most beautiful woman apart from my CO and her and her flatmate keep inviting me to things where she proves herself super charming, sweet, fun to hang around with etc. as well. I wish I could just accept single life, focus on work and hobbies, and be done with it. No CO, no real life interest in any woman I ever meet.
  9. Wow @Audrey822 that's great news! I can't begin to imagine how amazing that must have felt! I'm not surprised you were on such an almost drunk like high afterwards! So happy for you! :)
  10. Funny for me you say this now as I just, literally the other day, managed to tell my best friend about my CO. This is a guy I tell everything to, gives an indication of how bad the CO shame is that this was about the only thing I hadn't told him. First person I ever have told. Although it wasn't really a big revelation. He's known I have a crush on her for a while and I find myself casually mentioning her more and more, so much that he gives hints that he's realised my crush is quite intense. Well - all I told him was that I was becoming (hmm "becoming" is not quite true - try 2 years!) so obsessed with her that it was starting to worry me and that I thought it was sad for a 30 year old guy to be so into a celebrity who doesn't know he exists. He just said its not sad and said its good that I have a girl in my life who looks like my CO (who I had mentioned before). There's is nothing I can do with this girl in my life. I don't even know her really. But it was nice telling him in some way anyway. Liberating. I guess it is possible to gradually or partly reveal obsessions to friends and family. They may suspect something. It may be just one more step. It may be possible to do it casually, see the reaction, then make it clear this something that really bothers you. Or maybe that's a bad idea. I dunno. I can't give advise or I wouldn't be in this mess.
  11. Welcome annieb! Glad you found this thread! Wish I could advise but if I new how to get over the issues you describe I wouldn't have them myself :(
  12. Thanks After Rain for your whole post even though I was shamed in it haha (more on that later). Its rare that someone who isn't seeking help for their current CO's turns up here to help others and actually says something understanding and useful (we've had a few which have not been that!). Thanks also especially for specifically mentioning men with CO's. I sometimes feel that if everyone agrees that having a CO is nothing to be ashamed of, that there are so many people on this forum, the elephant in the room that I will secretly be thinking is "yeah but everyone else here (more or less) is female so none of this proves that guys having CO's is anything other than totally abnormal, freaky potential stalker territory". There definitely is a difference. Aside from the stalker thing (where men are seen as far more dangerous than women) passively pining for someone rather than actually doing something, especially someone far more successful than you are, gushing on the internet, fanboying out and totally losing it when you meet a celebrity crush are all things that are seen as very emasculating for a man. As for the age thing. Regardless of what age I am now what age am I going to be when I somehow manage to get over this mountain of issues to become a functional human being? If I ever do. How old will I be when I get a job I'm not incapable of (no stability to buy a house or settle coz I can't concentrate at work and think every next day I'll be found out and lose the job)? How old will I be when I can actually become an interesting person, someone who actually does things outside of work and has interests rather than just constantly thinking of my CO? How old will I be when I've got over the self hate? How old will I be when I've learnt basic social skills that everyone else learnt at school? How old will I be when I've learnt how to attract someone? How old will I be when I'm interesting and successful enough to be a valid partner for a woman in her 30's (or younger woman looking to date a bit older- makes no difference)? It will be years yet. 35? 40? 50? If ever. I thought I could start the process with a new job and a new town but no because I can't do this job and still can't concentrate and still devoting all my mental energy to my CO. I haven't matured one dot in all "adult"hood so I have to start a long process from scratch before I could, for example, be even at the point of being able to date someone. Of the already tiny number of women in their 30's who are still single and childless (don't have a problem with women with children but in terms of life experience they'd see me as an immature school kid) they'd all be a million miles ahead in relationship experience not willing to give a second chance to a guy who has had barely any relationship experience. They're not at the point in their lives of figuring relationships out for the first time - why should they put up with someone who is? I didn't mean to make that rant all about finding love, it seems to have become that. It's other stuff besides. I decided a while ago I just needed something to give me fulfilment - work, hobbies or love - but none are working. I wish I was still in the place a few years back of accepting I'd scrap the love side, make life simpler, realize it wasn't going to happen in my life, concentrate on the other bits. Life was so much simpler. But my CO has brought me out of retirement looking for lovewise, not really my choice. And brought me out of retirement 3 years older so with 3 years less chance and in a 3 years worse position. If I had given up hope then - why have hope now? why have hope when I'm 35 and have (optimistically) sorted out my other issues?
  13. The bolded bit doesn't sound sad it just sounds like the classic symptoms of depression and I bet half of us can relate. I can relate to everything else you wrote too. Maybe having a CO is a positive thing. It gave you that moment when you felt good about yourself and something to feel motivated about. It starts with the CO - that's encouraging - and some day will apply to other stuff too. Another person or something else. @After Rain said we shouldn't feel shame about our CO's so maybe its only the shame that's stopping us recognizing how having a CO may be helping us.
  14. That's precisely the philosophy that I'd tell anyone who'd listen for my entire 20's. Don't make the same mistake I did: talk the talk but then not apply that mindset to your actual life. Now my view is changing. I was over romanticizing. You can't get away from the fact we have to live in this friggen stupid society (or biological reality but that's less important than this friggen stupid society). BUT and this is the most important bit: ABSOLUTELY NO ONE (worth listening to) would say that 23,24,25 is too late for ANYTHING! The ONLY mistake you can really make in your 20's is concluding you're too late for things. I wish I could go back and tell myself that before I hit 30 and really did become too late. A lot of people wish they could go back in time and give themselves a big slap. I'd beat myself ****ing unconscious. GAH! Living in the future has been 100% of my life for about 3 years!
  15. @Audrey822 Thanks. You're there for me once again like you so often are for all of us! I hope things are going well for you. That rant was a bunch of feverish gibberish but the core needs stressing: The root of my problem is that I just can't concentrate on anything! Is it my job? Its both boring and the worse combination of stuff I know should be easy but I find hard. Finding a new job to be that when everyone is congratulating you is hell. But there is nothing else I can do. It's not the job that's the problem - its the whole career path/industry and the actual job itself is one of the better ones I still think. It promises more interesting stuff if I can get over the current hill. Or does it? More interesting but still the same area. Really an improvement? But what other job am I supposed to do? Its horrifying to still be in this situation now. I was really hoping I'd be able to start sorting everything else out now, with the job sorted. If I ever can make a start on sorting things out how old will I be then? What other job can I do? Seriously. I have no target jobs. My old dreams are forgotten and new dreams suddenly appear and I pretend they aren't but they are partly just related to fantasies of getting closer to her (like acting or voiceover acting). And anyway, I can't even concentrate on non work stuff. I can do nothing. I cannot absorb information. I can look at pictures and videos of her and that's it. I'll try to be positive. I don't know what to be positive about right now. Maybe in the morning. Thanks.
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