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I need a hero

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  1. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from anon22ae in Work Thread   
    I’m sorry it took so long for me to respond to your kind words.  Thank you.  Yes I tell my therapist everything.  She seems to be a backseat type of therapist, but she is responsive and remembers everything I tell her.  She told me I have generalized anxiety disorder and she told me my sleeping problems are typical anxiety induced insomnia.
    I think this happened because of my career change.  It’s a big change and a stressor.  Add that to the pandemic situation and it’s a lot to deal with, but I am on antidepressants and I felt them kick it pretty quick.  Within a week and I have not had a panic attack in a week or so and this past week, my sleep has improved.
  2. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from Atra in Crippling Anxiety Related To Job Performance   
    You’re right it isn’t me.  It is my condition that I am fighting against.
  3. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from June322 in Work Thread   
    Guys!  I just took a HUGE step forward.  I finally deleted the voicemail of me being placed on suspension for a mistake!  I used to play it every once in a while and I used to do it for no other reason other than to remind myself of a mistake that DOES NOT define me!  It feels so up lifting to do it!
  4. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from Depressedgurl007 in Work Thread   
    I’m sorry it took so long for me to respond to your kind words.  Thank you.  Yes I tell my therapist everything.  She seems to be a backseat type of therapist, but she is responsive and remembers everything I tell her.  She told me I have generalized anxiety disorder and she told me my sleeping problems are typical anxiety induced insomnia.
    I think this happened because of my career change.  It’s a big change and a stressor.  Add that to the pandemic situation and it’s a lot to deal with, but I am on antidepressants and I felt them kick it pretty quick.  Within a week and I have not had a panic attack in a week or so and this past week, my sleep has improved.
  5. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from anon22ae in Work Thread   
    I can’t break this cycle.  I have the job experience to complete a simple security task, but because I’m so anxious and tired, I did not have the energy to make the right call today in front of my supervisor and it makes me sick.  The funny part is I was so tired I didn’t even realize the mistake I made.  I’ve had maybe 4 hrs of sleep in the past 3 nights, but I’m still going into work every day.  The job makes me so nervous dealing with new things.  The policies and procedures.  It takes a lot out of me.  And a few days ago, I messed up a simple task and now a microscopes on me, during my 2nd week.  I can’t stop thinking about this and I replay bad, negative memories over and over again in my head.
  6. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from anon22ae in Work Thread   
    I always tell everyone I’m about to retire lol.
  7. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from anon22ae in Work Thread   
    Guys!  I just took a HUGE step forward.  I finally deleted the voicemail of me being placed on suspension for a mistake!  I used to play it every once in a while and I used to do it for no other reason other than to remind myself of a mistake that DOES NOT define me!  It feels so up lifting to do it!
  8. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from anon22ae in Work Thread   
    I know you you feel.  I worked at one of those type of places in the past.  I was walking on eggshells all the time.  It was almost unbearable.  I absolutely hated it.  Many officers did not like it there.  I was removed from an account and it was probably the worst feeling in the world.  I hated myself.  I tried to forgive myself but I always had trouble letting it go.  I always gave myself a hard time for these things.  Especially work related.
    I am 29 almost 30 later and I am still trying to establish myself in a career.  I second and third guess myself all the time.  I don’t feel competent because I hold onto my past failures and it is devastating because I play back these old memories constantly whenever I need to make a call.
  9. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from watalife in Work Thread   
    Guys!  I just took a HUGE step forward.  I finally deleted the voicemail of me being placed on suspension for a mistake!  I used to play it every once in a while and I used to do it for no other reason other than to remind myself of a mistake that DOES NOT define me!  It feels so up lifting to do it!
  10. Like
    I need a hero reacted to Depressedgurl007 in Crippling Anxiety Caused By A New Job   
    Hi @I need a hero. You sound a lot like me in my younger days. The fear of failure is a crippling feeling that leaves me in corners and bathrooms and on the streets crying my heart out. I felt useless, unworthy and thoughts of never being able to move forward ever in my life as I keep falling back to my fears even after years of ease in a good place. 
    Letting out my fears to others around me helped me a lot instead of hiding and pretending. I had a mum whom I cry to over the phone on the worst days of my job. She is afraid for me but I know she cares. 
    It took a lot for me to try to make effort to increase my self confidence, to embrace failures and turn them into lessons and tell myself I’m getting stronger by experiencing failures, to tell myself that I’m human and humans make mistakes, many mistakes do not make me a failure. I had to learn calming strategies such as taking 3 deep stomach breathes to bounce back up. 
    It took a long time but it’s possible, your brain is always changing and learning no matter your age. Mistakes are signs that you are working at the edge of your ability, the stretch zone. This is where learning and growth happens. Mistakes are an inevitable part of life, that’s why it feels like history keeps repeating itself. But mistakes tell us what we need to learn, in different kinds of situations. 
    Anything that annoys you is teaching you patience. 
    Anything you can’t control is teaching you to let go. 
    Anything that angers you is teaching you forgiveness and compassion. 
    Anything that has power over you is teaching you how to take your power back. 
    Anyone who abandons you is teaching you how to stand up on your own two feet. 
    In the above post, I read a long post of your learning journey in life, not mistakes, but obstacles and challenges that you overcome. You learned what you can take and what you can’t take. There’s another mountain up ahead for you this week, another one next week, and you are afraid you can’t climb over. But look back, there’s more to life than this job. Blame yourself but where does blaming yourself get you? Find out how to get more rest, find out what nutrient food helps keep u awake. But most important is find that self confidence inside u that can embrace every mistake u will make, but u will also learn from. 
    I froze many times in life but people around me forced me to move on towards different jobs, to somewhere where I don’t freeze. Things will turn out ok. Even if you did not freeze, that doesn’t mean the things you do could have helped the situation, freezing could be better than doing something worse in a frightened state, which others could have also done in your shoes. You cannot make no mistakes, no one can, there are many who failed in your situation too. 
    In you, I see someone who has succeeded and achieved in being resilient in his struggles and kept going. You are the version you that you need and needed to be in every phase of your journey. Forgive yourself for past, let it be your lessons, then let them go. 
    It’s a tough journey but the people here and those around you are here to hear you out. You are strong to talk about your weaknesses and that’s a strength you should celebrate. Take your time. It’s ok to be slow, it’s ok to be weak, as long as you keep going, keep talking and keep learning. We are here for you. 
    Sorry for the long post -_-“””
  11. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from NitNat in Work Thread   
    Guys!  I just took a HUGE step forward.  I finally deleted the voicemail of me being placed on suspension for a mistake!  I used to play it every once in a while and I used to do it for no other reason other than to remind myself of a mistake that DOES NOT define me!  It feels so up lifting to do it!
  12. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from Depressedgurl007 in Work Thread   
    Guys!  I just took a HUGE step forward.  I finally deleted the voicemail of me being placed on suspension for a mistake!  I used to play it every once in a while and I used to do it for no other reason other than to remind myself of a mistake that DOES NOT define me!  It feels so up lifting to do it!
  13. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from sober4life in Work Thread   
    Guys!  I just took a HUGE step forward.  I finally deleted the voicemail of me being placed on suspension for a mistake!  I used to play it every once in a while and I used to do it for no other reason other than to remind myself of a mistake that DOES NOT define me!  It feels so up lifting to do it!
  14. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from JD4010 in Work Thread   
    I know you you feel.  I worked at one of those type of places in the past.  I was walking on eggshells all the time.  It was almost unbearable.  I absolutely hated it.  Many officers did not like it there.  I was removed from an account and it was probably the worst feeling in the world.  I hated myself.  I tried to forgive myself but I always had trouble letting it go.  I always gave myself a hard time for these things.  Especially work related.
    I am 29 almost 30 later and I am still trying to establish myself in a career.  I second and third guess myself all the time.  I don’t feel competent because I hold onto my past failures and it is devastating because I play back these old memories constantly whenever I need to make a call.
  15. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from Epictetus in Crippling Anxiety Related To Job Performance   
    I’m not very active here.  Maybe I should post more to help others, or maybe I’m just selfish and only look for answers here.
    I just don’t know what to do.  For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a fear of failure.  I remember on the high school football team every once in awhile having crying fits and being pissed off at myself for not performing up to my preconceived standards.  I was bullied a lot.  This continued throughout high school and sometimes I also would occasionally pick on those I deemed who were easy targets.  
     
    I remember I punched myself in the face for losing in a video game once.
    Some people saw my weaknesses and would target them.  I was young and made some mistakes in my youth and I don’t know.  Maybe I could have done something different.  Being on the football team I feel was a big mistake.  I did not fit in.  I stayed all 4 yrs.
    Today I’ve been feeling nostalgic in a bad way.  I’m trying to pin point what mistake I made in the past and how I can fix it to the situation I’m in now.
    I came out of college with a degree in Law Enforcement.  Big mistake.  I was already on anti depressants when I was 14 yrs old. I went on and off of them.  My mother cried when I was put on them.  I still remember.
    College was fine and everything.  I guess it was easy to forget about life for a little bit when I was away from home.  In a lot of ways, it was a vacation from the real world.  Fast forward to when I did my internship, and I was having mental breakdowns.  I was an intern.  I wasn’t even supposed to do anything.  I had no tasks but to observe officers actions.  I felt crippling anxiety and I had panic attacks at the police station.  I even got a warning from the training officer about getting proper rest and showing up on time.
    Fast-forward a few months and I got a job as a surveillance officer.  I was not good at it at all.  I was okay in spots, but putting everything together was terrible.  I was given the option to leave after my trainer said he doesn’t think I’m cut out for this.  I cried right in front of him.  My first job after college was a fail.  I cried, but I was relieved because I really hated the training for that job.
    I got my first job.  It was my favorite still.  I consider that my peak and I don’t think I can top it.  It was extremely laid back and for what we did, even then, I got very hard on myself when I did mess up.  I kind of freaked out for something minor that I thought of was a big deal.  We were paid decent.  And I knew.  I knew that was going to be the top for me.  I told myself I’ll never see another one like that again.  And I haven’t.
     
    I had good marks on my record, so they placed me at a better account.  Big mistake.  I went from cruise control to panicked most days.  It was a new account they just acquired and I guess they wanted the officer with the nice marks to come onto this new account.  It was a nightmare.   Everything was different and uptight.  It was awful.  I never felt comfortable after 9 months and I hated it.  Everyone and everything was negative.  Too many responsibilities for me to handle.  And I tried.  I did.  Until one day we committed a grave error.  A mistake that was so bad.  That I had knots all in my stomach the rest of the shift.  Because we committed a security breach on overnights.  Another officer and me.
    At this time, I got a phone call that I was suspended pending further investigation.  I still have the voice mail and I play it over and over again as a reminder of my mistake and I hate it.  I don’t know why I do that to myself.  I consider that the worst day of my life.  The area manager tore me apart.  He didn’t understand that I was suffering from extreme anxiety.  My goal was to make him as uncomfortable as he was making me.  I gave him a death stare.  I stared into his soul and I know I made him uncomfortable.  I’m sure I looked mean as all hell.  He questioned everything about my character.  Like he knew who I was.
    When I got to my car, all I could do was scream and I hit myself in the face, hard, twice.  I gave myself a black eye and drove home sobbing.  Then a week later I got a call that based on a technicality, I could come back to work with a final written warning.  I was walking on eggshells.  I wanted out.  I knew that history repeats itself and it did.  I was thrown under the bus for a mistake.  Another anxiety ridden officer moved it up the chain.  I was removed and transferred.  It was easier to handle this time.
    They placed me at another account that was very uncomfortable.  Standing post all day.  I couldn’t take it.  I applied for a trades job and it was better, but still bad.  I did not mind the hard work even if it was very difficult, but it was hard to learn.  Not only that, but they’re mean nosed guys.  I have cried several times at work. They have no sympathy.  I felt awful.  I did not feel like I was learning the job at a good pace and felt inadequate next to another apprentice of the same yr as me.
    I have been searching for another job for a long time and I found one.  A Public Safety Officer at a college and it is very difficult to deal with.  They told me everything is slow now with the virus, but that things that we do now will change.  Much more activities. Plus, non union, but, good benefits.
    It sounds like a nice job, but in crippled with pain inducing anxiety so bad, I felt like driving off the road.  I have not slept in 2 nights.  I don’t know what to do.  My supervisor tells me I’m doing good with training, but I’m so nervous with everything.  He knows it too.  I want to quit now and it’s 3 weeks in.  I’m torn up inside if I were to ever get fired from this job.  I don’t know.  I would probably just sit in a corner outside and sob silently.
    I have a terrible fear of failure.  The time I got removed, was heartbreaking for me.  I don’t want to mess up, but history repeats itself and it’s a horrible cycle.  I can’t stand it.  I’m almost 30.  I still live with my parents because I’m afraid of moving out and if I can’t get past this uncomfortable phase in this new job and I get fired, or get deemed unfit to work and seen by a work psychologist, I really don’t know what I would do.  I think I would just sit quietly somewhere outside and just cry until one of the other officers came to talk to me.  I’m at the point where it’s hard to function and I need to train for a sensitive position such as public safety and act like I’m fine.
  16. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from Epictetus in I have been feeling terrible lately   
    Well it’s a law.  If you don’t have a safety monitor and OSHA finds out, the company gets a fine.  It’s a big fine too.  Maybe $8,000?  Just because somebody isn’t watching the guys on the edge.
  17. Sad
    I need a hero got a reaction from Epictetus in I have been feeling terrible lately   
    I just don’t know.
    I haven’t slept well all week.  My new career feels so stressful and I have been having a really hard time.  I don’t think I can do it.  I’m a union roofer.  I don’t know I guess I just got bored with life.  The hard physicality of it doesn’t bother me.  I am in pretty decent physical shape.  What bothers me is the name calling and bullying.  I’m a first year apprentice, so I get shit for everything, but I think I’m having a harder time than most.  A lot of the journeymen have insulted my intelligence.  I’ve never done any kind of skilled labor in my life.  A couple of days ago, we were moving a tank of propane.  I wanted to set it on the dolly.  The journeyman told me to stop and what I was doing and I was just making it harder on myself.  He told me, “you’re not too bright are you?”  And I replied, “no.  I guess not.”
    Just yesterday I was standing as a safety monitor.  In my trade, when there is no fall protection, someone is designated as a safety monitor.  Essentially, I just stand there and make sure that everyone who is near the roof edge is safe.  I was only watching one person, because only one person was near the edge.  I was standing a little bit close to him and wouldn’t have had a view of anyone else.  Well one of the journeyman said in a nasty tone, “hey genius, take a step back so you can see everyone!  I mean do you have any ****ing common sense at all?”
    And I just replied, in a similar tone, “well no, I guess I don’t!”
    And he said, “yeah that’s what we’re all thinking.”
    I wanted to express that even though I understand that I am an apprentice, and he’s a journeyman, I don’t appreciate being insulted, but I never did.
    Later during break, I mentioned to the other guys on the crew that he made me feel like an asshole.  They just told me to leave my feelings at home.  That’s what they’ve been telling me from the start.  That roofers have no feelings.
    On top of the yelling and being ridiculed, I just don’t think I’m cut out for the work in general.  It’s very difficult for me to learn this type of work when I’ve never done any type of labor before at all.  I don’t know what I would do for work.  I have no passion for work and I don’t think that anything I do would make me feel fulfilled in life, but I need to make a living.  I can’t just take some job for $10 hr.  I wouldn’t be able to survive on that.  I don’t know what to do.  And work in general gives me anxiety.  I get very upset when I mess up in the work place and I take it very hard.  I often feel like a failure if I mess up.  The ridicule and toxic masculinity of, “no feelings on the roof” don’t help.
  18. Sad
    I need a hero got a reaction from Tid322 in I have been feeling terrible lately   
    I just don’t know.
    I haven’t slept well all week.  My new career feels so stressful and I have been having a really hard time.  I don’t think I can do it.  I’m a union roofer.  I don’t know I guess I just got bored with life.  The hard physicality of it doesn’t bother me.  I am in pretty decent physical shape.  What bothers me is the name calling and bullying.  I’m a first year apprentice, so I get shit for everything, but I think I’m having a harder time than most.  A lot of the journeymen have insulted my intelligence.  I’ve never done any kind of skilled labor in my life.  A couple of days ago, we were moving a tank of propane.  I wanted to set it on the dolly.  The journeyman told me to stop and what I was doing and I was just making it harder on myself.  He told me, “you’re not too bright are you?”  And I replied, “no.  I guess not.”
    Just yesterday I was standing as a safety monitor.  In my trade, when there is no fall protection, someone is designated as a safety monitor.  Essentially, I just stand there and make sure that everyone who is near the roof edge is safe.  I was only watching one person, because only one person was near the edge.  I was standing a little bit close to him and wouldn’t have had a view of anyone else.  Well one of the journeyman said in a nasty tone, “hey genius, take a step back so you can see everyone!  I mean do you have any ****ing common sense at all?”
    And I just replied, in a similar tone, “well no, I guess I don’t!”
    And he said, “yeah that’s what we’re all thinking.”
    I wanted to express that even though I understand that I am an apprentice, and he’s a journeyman, I don’t appreciate being insulted, but I never did.
    Later during break, I mentioned to the other guys on the crew that he made me feel like an asshole.  They just told me to leave my feelings at home.  That’s what they’ve been telling me from the start.  That roofers have no feelings.
    On top of the yelling and being ridiculed, I just don’t think I’m cut out for the work in general.  It’s very difficult for me to learn this type of work when I’ve never done any type of labor before at all.  I don’t know what I would do for work.  I have no passion for work and I don’t think that anything I do would make me feel fulfilled in life, but I need to make a living.  I can’t just take some job for $10 hr.  I wouldn’t be able to survive on that.  I don’t know what to do.  And work in general gives me anxiety.  I get very upset when I mess up in the work place and I take it very hard.  I often feel like a failure if I mess up.  The ridicule and toxic masculinity of, “no feelings on the roof” don’t help.
  19. Sad
    I need a hero got a reaction from watalife in I have been feeling terrible lately   
    I just don’t know.
    I haven’t slept well all week.  My new career feels so stressful and I have been having a really hard time.  I don’t think I can do it.  I’m a union roofer.  I don’t know I guess I just got bored with life.  The hard physicality of it doesn’t bother me.  I am in pretty decent physical shape.  What bothers me is the name calling and bullying.  I’m a first year apprentice, so I get shit for everything, but I think I’m having a harder time than most.  A lot of the journeymen have insulted my intelligence.  I’ve never done any kind of skilled labor in my life.  A couple of days ago, we were moving a tank of propane.  I wanted to set it on the dolly.  The journeyman told me to stop and what I was doing and I was just making it harder on myself.  He told me, “you’re not too bright are you?”  And I replied, “no.  I guess not.”
    Just yesterday I was standing as a safety monitor.  In my trade, when there is no fall protection, someone is designated as a safety monitor.  Essentially, I just stand there and make sure that everyone who is near the roof edge is safe.  I was only watching one person, because only one person was near the edge.  I was standing a little bit close to him and wouldn’t have had a view of anyone else.  Well one of the journeyman said in a nasty tone, “hey genius, take a step back so you can see everyone!  I mean do you have any ****ing common sense at all?”
    And I just replied, in a similar tone, “well no, I guess I don’t!”
    And he said, “yeah that’s what we’re all thinking.”
    I wanted to express that even though I understand that I am an apprentice, and he’s a journeyman, I don’t appreciate being insulted, but I never did.
    Later during break, I mentioned to the other guys on the crew that he made me feel like an asshole.  They just told me to leave my feelings at home.  That’s what they’ve been telling me from the start.  That roofers have no feelings.
    On top of the yelling and being ridiculed, I just don’t think I’m cut out for the work in general.  It’s very difficult for me to learn this type of work when I’ve never done any type of labor before at all.  I don’t know what I would do for work.  I have no passion for work and I don’t think that anything I do would make me feel fulfilled in life, but I need to make a living.  I can’t just take some job for $10 hr.  I wouldn’t be able to survive on that.  I don’t know what to do.  And work in general gives me anxiety.  I get very upset when I mess up in the work place and I take it very hard.  I often feel like a failure if I mess up.  The ridicule and toxic masculinity of, “no feelings on the roof” don’t help.
  20. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from Tim 52 in Are there any affordable options for therapists?   
    I started a new job/career.  I don’t know if I’ll stay with it as it’s pretty difficult for me, but I don’t have any insurance right now.
    Is there any affordable options for therapists?  I couldn’t afford full price for therapy.
  21. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from Epictetus in Are there any affordable options for therapists?   
    I started a new job/career.  I don’t know if I’ll stay with it as it’s pretty difficult for me, but I don’t have any insurance right now.
    Is there any affordable options for therapists?  I couldn’t afford full price for therapy.
  22. Thanks
    I need a hero reacted to MargotMontage in Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin   
    Hi I need a hero!
    Well, I can understand the feeling like an outcast bit, since there's been a lot of discussion about it on this thread. I guess the important things to remember are that:
    1. If you're made to feel inadequate, it's not your fault, but the fault of the people who made you feel that way, because you wouldn't have felt that way if they hadn't gone out of their way to make you feel it.
    2. You're probably not missing out on anything great. Casual sex isn't as good as people want you to think it is, and you will probably be happier if you find someone who wants to be with you and isn't trying to use you.
  23. Sad
    I need a hero got a reaction from MargotMontage in Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin   
    This is probably what I hate the most.  The missing out part.  It’s like I’m an outcast.
    On the inside and outside I feel so inadequate to others.
  24. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from MargotMontage in Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having always been single and a virgin   
    Don’t worry so much about your ethnicity.  Nothing you can do about it.  Yes, you can move.  A change of scenery might do you some good.  There are always different career paths you can take.  You are still young enough to pursue something and with your credentials and intellect, I think you can find something.
    As far as the awkwardness, that will take time you might have to work on it.  You just did not hone the same socialization skills as a youth that others did.  That is why it is harder for you.  And working on socialization skills will not only help with dating, it will probably help in your professional life, as well as other areas of your life.  I need to work on myself constantly.  You are not alone.  I have problems with dates too.  
  25. Like
    I need a hero got a reaction from nojoy in heartbroken over someone I never met   
    I know how you feel.  I was frustrated with a girl I was texting with, just like you.  I was texting her for about 8 months and I tried to make plans to meet her, but she never put in the effort, she just wanted to waste time.  There was always an excuse with her.
    Well I got frustrated with her and said something I probably shouldn’t have said out of frustration.  It was Christmas and I believe I was drinking a little, it probably clouded my judgement.  Nothing mean spirited, but more of an anxiety induced text message.  Looking back on it, I probably shouldn’t have said it, but I did.
    We were texting more for a little bit the next day, but I wanted to test her.  I told myself I wouldn’t text her back, to see if she was really interested.  1 day, 2 days, a week went by with no contact.  I haven’t texted her in over 4 years now.  I felt like I wasted so much energy texting her for 8 months.  She had no real intentions of dating.  If she did, she would’ve reached out to me.  I was always the one making an effort and messaging her.
    But the thing is, and this is the important part, I hardly ever think about her now.  When it first happened, I felt awful that I never even got to meet her in person.  But as time goes on, you think about them less and less until they are a distant memory, so don’t get caught up in how you feel with this person because it’s not worth it.  Especially since you never even met them.
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