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I need a hero

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About I need a hero

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  • Birthday November 8

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    Chicago, IL

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  1. I’m sorry it took so long for me to respond to your kind words. Thank you. Yes I tell my therapist everything. She seems to be a backseat type of therapist, but she is responsive and remembers everything I tell her. She told me I have generalized anxiety disorder and she told me my sleeping problems are typical anxiety induced insomnia. I think this happened because of my career change. It’s a big change and a stressor. Add that to the pandemic situation and it’s a lot to deal with, but I am on antidepressants and I felt them kick it pretty quick. Within a week and I have not had a panic attack in a week or so and this past week, my sleep has improved.
  2. You’re right it isn’t me. It is my condition that I am fighting against.
  3. I can’t break this cycle. I have the job experience to complete a simple security task, but because I’m so anxious and tired, I did not have the energy to make the right call today in front of my supervisor and it makes me sick. The funny part is I was so tired I didn’t even realize the mistake I made. I’ve had maybe 4 hrs of sleep in the past 3 nights, but I’m still going into work every day. The job makes me so nervous dealing with new things. The policies and procedures. It takes a lot out of me. And a few days ago, I messed up a simple task and now a microscopes on me, during my 2nd week. I can’t stop thinking about this and I replay bad, negative memories over and over again in my head.
  4. So for my new job we are training and I made a mistake. And it is this crippling fear I have about my past experience with work that makes me afraid to make a decision. I need to get out of this.
  5. I always tell everyone I’m about to retire lol.
  6. Guys! I just took a HUGE step forward. I finally deleted the voicemail of me being placed on suspension for a mistake! I used to play it every once in a while and I used to do it for no other reason other than to remind myself of a mistake that DOES NOT define me! It feels so up lifting to do it!
  7. I know you you feel. I worked at one of those type of places in the past. I was walking on eggshells all the time. It was almost unbearable. I absolutely hated it. Many officers did not like it there. I was removed from an account and it was probably the worst feeling in the world. I hated myself. I tried to forgive myself but I always had trouble letting it go. I always gave myself a hard time for these things. Especially work related. I am 29 almost 30 later and I am still trying to establish myself in a career. I second and third guess myself all the time. I don’t feel competent because I hold onto my past failures and it is devastating because I play back these old memories constantly whenever I need to make a call.
  8. Well the thing is that it has not become crippling before all of this. I just think that the biggest “fails” in my life have started at a professional level and now as recent as last week, they’re just building up now 1 after the other. I keep on thinking about the past fails in this area in my life and how it’s changing. I have only felt truly comfortable at work, at one location in my life. That’s the only time I’ve felt comfortable and competent. That was back from 2014 - 2018. I want to recreate that feeling of competency. Right now I’m still training. My trainer said that I’m doing well so far he can tell that I’m nervous about everything. A lot of it is policy and procedures and it’s getting everything right. I’m just learning the layouts of everything. It’s a lot of information to take in. I never had to work in an institution before. And I jumped around from place to place. I’m just really tired and everything. And the lack of sleep is getting to me. I do have a therapist and we have been doing talk therapy. I have not felt this bad in the longest time. I last hurt myself last January when I lost my phone. I blamed myself and I punched myself. The other time that I punched myself was when I got removed from the account and it was so devastating completely my fault, there was an issue that was taking place and I was too scared to take action. It was a situation where I froze and I did not do anything because I was so scared. And the partner with me did not know what to do either. The fear of failure froze me instead of figuring out the situation and taking steps to fix it or taking the right steps to prevent it. I consider it the biggest failure of my life and now it’s those same fears that are coming back to me. And I’m thinking about the past fails again. I’m not on any medication right now. I used to be on Paxil awhile ago. This is back in college. I was on Seroquel and that was used off label for sleep. I think Paxil and Seroquel were the last one I was really on. I don’t like taking medication like that. It makes me feel weaker than I really am. I was so upset with myself last night that I was just breaking out into tears and explaining to my parents how I felt. I feel weak when I talk about my problems. I try not to mention that to my friends and I pretend that everything’s okay with them. Last night there was no hiding this from my parents I was so emotionally upset. I can’t be this way in front of my supervisor. It’ll make him nervous. The fact that I’m nervous is making him nervous. And it’s creating a bad working situation. And this is just training. It’s a lot to take in for me that’s all.
  9. (Repost. I Accidentally Posted This In The Wrong Forum) I’m not very active here. Maybe I should post more to help others, or maybe I’m just selfish and only look for answers here. I just don’t know what to do. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a fear of failure. I remember on the high school football team every once in awhile having crying fits and being pissed off at myself for not performing up to my preconceived standards. I was bullied a lot. This continued throughout high school and sometimes I also would occasionally pick on those I deemed who were easy targets. I remember I punched myself in the face for losing in a video game once. Some people saw my weaknesses and would target them. I was young and made some mistakes in my youth and I don’t know. Maybe I could have done something different. Being on the football team I feel was a big mistake. I did not fit in. I stayed all 4 yrs. Today I’ve been feeling nostalgic in a bad way. I’m trying to pin point what mistake I made in the past and how I can fix it to the situation I’m in now. I came out of college with a degree in Law Enforcement. Big mistake. I was already on anti depressants when I was 14 yrs old. I went on and off of them. My mother cried when I was put on them. I still remember. College was fine and everything. I guess it was easy to forget about life for a little bit when I was away from home. In a lot of ways, it was a vacation from the real world. Fast forward to when I did my internship, and I was having mental breakdowns. I was an intern. I wasn’t even supposed to do anything. I had no tasks but to observe officers actions. I felt crippling anxiety and I had panic attacks at the police station. I even got a warning from the training officer about getting proper rest and showing up on time. Fast-forward a few months and I got a job as a surveillance officer. I was not good at it at all. I was okay in spots, but putting everything together was terrible. I was given the option to leave after my trainer said he doesn’t think I’m cut out for this. I cried right in front of him. My first job after college was a fail. I cried, but I was relieved because I really hated the training for that job. I got my first job. It was my favorite still. I consider that my peak and I don’t think I can top it. It was extremely laid back and for what we did, even then, I got very hard on myself when I did mess up. I kind of freaked out for something minor that I thought of was a big deal. We were paid decent. And I knew. I knew that was going to be the top for me. I told myself I’ll never see another one like that again. And I haven’t. I had good marks on my record, so they placed me at a better account. Big mistake. I went from cruise control to panicked most days. It was a new account they just acquired and I guess they wanted the officer with the nice marks to come onto this new account. It was a nightmare. Everything was different and uptight. It was awful. I never felt comfortable after 9 months and I hated it. Everyone and everything was negative. Too many responsibilities for me to handle. And I tried. I did. Until one day we committed a grave error. A mistake that was so bad. That I had knots all in my stomach the rest of the shift. Because we committed a security breach on overnights. Another officer and me. At this time, I got a phone call that I was suspended pending further investigation. I still have the voice mail and I play it over and over again as a reminder of my mistake and I hate it. I don’t know why I do that to myself. I consider that the worst day of my life. The area manager tore me apart. He didn’t understand that I was suffering from extreme anxiety. My goal was to make him as uncomfortable as he was making me. I gave him a death stare. I stared into his soul and I know I made him uncomfortable. I’m sure I looked mean as all hell. He questioned everything about my character. Like he knew who I was. When I got to my car, all I could do was scream and I hit myself in the face, hard, twice. I gave myself a black eye and drove home sobbing. Then a week later I got a call that based on a technicality, I could come back to work with a final written warning. I was walking on eggshells. I wanted out. I knew that history repeats itself and it did. I was thrown under the bus for a mistake. Another anxiety ridden officer moved it up the chain. I was removed and transferred. It was easier to handle this time. They placed me at another account that was very uncomfortable. Standing post all day. I couldn’t take it. I applied for a trades job and it was better, but still bad. I did not mind the hard work even if it was very difficult, but it was hard to learn. Not only that, but they’re mean nosed guys. I have cried several times at work. They have no sympathy. I felt awful. I did not feel like I was learning the job at a good pace and felt inadequate next to another apprentice of the same yr as me. I have been searching for another job for a long time and I found one. A Public Safety Officer at a college and it is very difficult to deal with. They told me everything is slow now with the virus, but that things that we do now will change. Much more activities. Plus, non union, but, good benefits. It sounds like a nice job, but in crippled with pain inducing anxiety so bad, I felt like driving off the road. I have not slept in 2 nights. I don’t know what to do. My supervisor tells me I’m doing good with training, but I’m so nervous with everything. He knows it too. I want to quit now and it’s 3 weeks in. I’m torn up inside if I were to ever get fired from this job. I don’t know. I would probably just sit in a corner outside and sob silently. I have a terrible fear of failure. The time I got removed, was heartbreaking for me. I don’t want to mess up, but history repeats itself and it’s a horrible cycle. I can’t stand it. I’m almost 30. I still live with my parents because I’m afraid of moving out and if I can’t get past this uncomfortable phase in this new job and I get fired, or get deemed unfit to work and seen by a work psychologist, I really don’t know what I would do. I think I would just sit quietly somewhere outside and just cry until one of the other officers came to talk to me. I’m at the point where it’s hard to function and I need to train for a sensitive position such as public safety and act like I’m fine.
  10. I’m not very active here. Maybe I should post more to help others, or maybe I’m just selfish and only look for answers here. I just don’t know what to do. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a fear of failure. I remember on the high school football team every once in awhile having crying fits and being pissed off at myself for not performing up to my preconceived standards. I was bullied a lot. This continued throughout high school and sometimes I also would occasionally pick on those I deemed who were easy targets. I remember I punched myself in the face for losing in a video game once. Some people saw my weaknesses and would target them. I was young and made some mistakes in my youth and I don’t know. Maybe I could have done something different. Being on the football team I feel was a big mistake. I did not fit in. I stayed all 4 yrs. Today I’ve been feeling nostalgic in a bad way. I’m trying to pin point what mistake I made in the past and how I can fix it to the situation I’m in now. I came out of college with a degree in Law Enforcement. Big mistake. I was already on anti depressants when I was 14 yrs old. I went on and off of them. My mother cried when I was put on them. I still remember. College was fine and everything. I guess it was easy to forget about life for a little bit when I was away from home. In a lot of ways, it was a vacation from the real world. Fast forward to when I did my internship, and I was having mental breakdowns. I was an intern. I wasn’t even supposed to do anything. I had no tasks but to observe officers actions. I felt crippling anxiety and I had panic attacks at the police station. I even got a warning from the training officer about getting proper rest and showing up on time. Fast-forward a few months and I got a job as a surveillance officer. I was not good at it at all. I was okay in spots, but putting everything together was terrible. I was given the option to leave after my trainer said he doesn’t think I’m cut out for this. I cried right in front of him. My first job after college was a fail. I cried, but I was relieved because I really hated the training for that job. I got my first job. It was my favorite still. I consider that my peak and I don’t think I can top it. It was extremely laid back and for what we did, even then, I got very hard on myself when I did mess up. I kind of freaked out for something minor that I thought of was a big deal. We were paid decent. And I knew. I knew that was going to be the top for me. I told myself I’ll never see another one like that again. And I haven’t. I had good marks on my record, so they placed me at a better account. Big mistake. I went from cruise control to panicked most days. It was a new account they just acquired and I guess they wanted the officer with the nice marks to come onto this new account. It was a nightmare. Everything was different and uptight. It was awful. I never felt comfortable after 9 months and I hated it. Everyone and everything was negative. Too many responsibilities for me to handle. And I tried. I did. Until one day we committed a grave error. A mistake that was so bad. That I had knots all in my stomach the rest of the shift. Because we committed a security breach on overnights. Another officer and me. At this time, I got a phone call that I was suspended pending further investigation. I still have the voice mail and I play it over and over again as a reminder of my mistake and I hate it. I don’t know why I do that to myself. I consider that the worst day of my life. The area manager tore me apart. He didn’t understand that I was suffering from extreme anxiety. My goal was to make him as uncomfortable as he was making me. I gave him a death stare. I stared into his soul and I know I made him uncomfortable. I’m sure I looked mean as all hell. He questioned everything about my character. Like he knew who I was. When I got to my car, all I could do was scream and I hit myself in the face, hard, twice. I gave myself a black eye and drove home sobbing. Then a week later I got a call that based on a technicality, I could come back to work with a final written warning. I was walking on eggshells. I wanted out. I knew that history repeats itself and it did. I was thrown under the bus for a mistake. Another anxiety ridden officer moved it up the chain. I was removed and transferred. It was easier to handle this time. They placed me at another account that was very uncomfortable. Standing post all day. I couldn’t take it. I applied for a trades job and it was better, but still bad. I did not mind the hard work even if it was very difficult, but it was hard to learn. Not only that, but they’re mean nosed guys. I have cried several times at work. They have no sympathy. I felt awful. I did not feel like I was learning the job at a good pace and felt inadequate next to another apprentice of the same yr as me. I have been searching for another job for a long time and I found one. A Public Safety Officer at a college and it is very difficult to deal with. They told me everything is slow now with the virus, but that things that we do now will change. Much more activities. Plus, non union, but, good benefits. It sounds like a nice job, but in crippled with pain inducing anxiety so bad, I felt like driving off the road. I have not slept in 2 nights. I don’t know what to do. My supervisor tells me I’m doing good with training, but I’m so nervous with everything. He knows it too. I want to quit now and it’s 3 weeks in. I’m torn up inside if I were to ever get fired from this job. I don’t know. I would probably just sit in a corner outside and sob silently. I have a terrible fear of failure. The time I got removed, was heartbreaking for me. I don’t want to mess up, but history repeats itself and it’s a horrible cycle. I can’t stand it. I’m almost 30. I still live with my parents because I’m afraid of moving out and if I can’t get past this uncomfortable phase in this new job and I get fired, or get deemed unfit to work and seen by a work psychologist, I really don’t know what I would do. I think I would just sit quietly somewhere outside and just cry until one of the other officers came to talk to me. I’m at the point where it’s hard to function and I need to train for a sensitive position such as public safety and act like I’m fine.
  11. Well it’s a law. If you don’t have a safety monitor and OSHA finds out, the company gets a fine. It’s a big fine too. Maybe $8,000? Just because somebody isn’t watching the guys on the edge.
  12. I just don’t know. I haven’t slept well all week. My new career feels so stressful and I have been having a really hard time. I don’t think I can do it. I’m a union roofer. I don’t know I guess I just got bored with life. The hard physicality of it doesn’t bother me. I am in pretty decent physical shape. What bothers me is the name calling and bullying. I’m a first year apprentice, so I get shit for everything, but I think I’m having a harder time than most. A lot of the journeymen have insulted my intelligence. I’ve never done any kind of skilled labor in my life. A couple of days ago, we were moving a tank of propane. I wanted to set it on the dolly. The journeyman told me to stop and what I was doing and I was just making it harder on myself. He told me, “you’re not too bright are you?” And I replied, “no. I guess not.” Just yesterday I was standing as a safety monitor. In my trade, when there is no fall protection, someone is designated as a safety monitor. Essentially, I just stand there and make sure that everyone who is near the roof edge is safe. I was only watching one person, because only one person was near the edge. I was standing a little bit close to him and wouldn’t have had a view of anyone else. Well one of the journeyman said in a nasty tone, “hey genius, take a step back so you can see everyone! I mean do you have any ****ing common sense at all?” And I just replied, in a similar tone, “well no, I guess I don’t!” And he said, “yeah that’s what we’re all thinking.” I wanted to express that even though I understand that I am an apprentice, and he’s a journeyman, I don’t appreciate being insulted, but I never did. Later during break, I mentioned to the other guys on the crew that he made me feel like an asshole. They just told me to leave my feelings at home. That’s what they’ve been telling me from the start. That roofers have no feelings. On top of the yelling and being ridiculed, I just don’t think I’m cut out for the work in general. It’s very difficult for me to learn this type of work when I’ve never done any type of labor before at all. I don’t know what I would do for work. I have no passion for work and I don’t think that anything I do would make me feel fulfilled in life, but I need to make a living. I can’t just take some job for $10 hr. I wouldn’t be able to survive on that. I don’t know what to do. And work in general gives me anxiety. I get very upset when I mess up in the work place and I take it very hard. I often feel like a failure if I mess up. The ridicule and toxic masculinity of, “no feelings on the roof” don’t help.
  13. I started a new job/career. I don’t know if I’ll stay with it as it’s pretty difficult for me, but I don’t have any insurance right now. Is there any affordable options for therapists? I couldn’t afford full price for therapy.
  14. This is probably what I hate the most. The missing out part. It’s like I’m an outcast. On the inside and outside I feel so inadequate to others.
  15. Unfortunately because of job changes, I do not have health insurance. I’ll have health insurance next year, but I’ve been feeling really crappy lately, so I feel like I need a therapist immediately so I can start working on some things.
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