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About Rae81

  • Birthday 02/26/1981

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    Reading, cooking, camping, crafting, momming, wifing, planning

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  1. For whatever reason, I feel like I should clarify that I was 13 when her friend raped me, 17 when I told her. Somehow that plays into my resentment even more.
  2. As a young child, my mother told me that she was raped and that I was the result. She was 15 years old when she became pregnant with me and 16 when she had me. I spent many years of my life wondering who this man was and despite what she had told me, I always hoped that there was some chance that I would meet him someday. When I was 29 she gave me a name. This happened after I located my brother who she had given up for adoption when I was 6 years old. I told her I believed that every person has a right to know who his/her parents are and that she should feel obligated to give my brother this information (no one in my family knew who his father was/is either). Anyway, she didn't just give me a name. She also told me that she had been lying and that she was never raped. She said that she, in her words, "was a little wh*re". As usual, I was split between anger and guilt over how she must have felt to finally tell me the truth. Greater anger grew as I recalled her dismissing me being raped by one of her friends when I was 17, and saying that 'now I knew how she felt'. But that isn't this story. So, I took this name and started looking around. I didn't find much at first but over the years, I have paid for some people tracking services on the internet and eventually came back with two different people fitting the age, location, and name that she had given me. I called one of them one day and he said he did know who my mother was, but that there was no way I was who he thought I was and hung up on me. I ended up in contact with someone my own age who happened to be related to this man and after a lot of talking, I do not believe that he is that person. Well, I recently found the other man or his obituary at least. Then I found his daughter on social media. I certainly don't want to cause anyone else pain, especially after having lost her father a little over a year ago, but I still felt compelled to reach out to her. It is her opinion that this fella also could not be who I think that he is due to a vasectomy that he received six years before I was born. So again I am still in the same place I was when I started. Anyway, I have rambled on quite a bit about this very personal matter. My whole point is that I wish I knew how to get passed wanting to know. I am 35 now and who my father was/is does not matter. It is very unlikely that he would want to be part of my life and knowing him can't possibly change anything. But instead, I am obsessing over it. I feel childish for thinking about this so much. I feel guilty. Meh. I just feel like crap.
  3. This thread has been helpful for me - I have been taking Lexapro for about a week now and I feel lethargic but can't sleep. I also feel numb - just a general lack of anything. My head is a little foggy all of the time and I almost feel like there is a slight tingling in my hands. I hope this passes and am pleased to hear it seems to for many people.
  4. Am I a good mother and wife?
  5. Hi BL67 - I have found a lot of comfort on this site, reading and chattering with people who seem to truly understand (or are at least willing to listen) to what I am going through. I hope that you can find the same. Keep posting and I think you will find that there really are some good people to connect with. Take care.
  6. When I was 20, if you would have asked me if I wanted children I would have laughed. I may have even brought up the fact that they are sticky, smelly, and often ungrateful. At 25, I probably would have said that the world was a horrible place and that it was an injustice to subject yet another person to it. If you would have asked when I was 30 I may have been more honest and said that I didn't want children because I didn't want to ruin them or to let someone see what a true mess I am. I am now 35 and I have a 1-year-old son. I didn't intentionally get pregnant, but I was with my partner and we were not doing anything to stop it. I know now that the love you feel as a parent is different than any other love, and that I wouldn't change this opportunity for anything in the world. Being a parent is the ultimate privilege in life - it is an opportunity to influence, teach, and love someone without condition. It keeps you up at night and brings you peace all at the same time. I also know that loosely formed opinions about things we do not understand and lack the experience to speak to can also come across sounding like judgment against others. I believe it is important to be responsible when making blanket statements and to consider the impact that our words can have on those receiving them.
  7. Why does my account not support viewing this pdf?
  8. Hi Nopawn, I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and your response. I agree that I was looking for some feeling of love in regard to my past actions. I mean really, I think I can even recall thinking exactly that. I enjoyed the feeling of being irresistible, even if just for a moment. I am very happy that period in my life has passed. Sometimes looking back on my younger years feels like looking back at a stranger. I know that my husband loves me and that while he may not always say things to remind me of that, he does do things to show his appreciation. I believe that tends to get clouded when I am in a dark spell. He deals with his own demons and while he says that it is something he will do for "us" rather than for himself, he has agreed that we could benefit from family/marriage counseling. I am sorry that you can identify with my life. I have never felt like it was a very good one, at least not my past. This site has really made a difference for me in the last few days and I hope that I continue to allow myself to participate in the discussion and that I do not starve myself of the comfort it has given me - something that I do when I am feeling undeserving of happiness. Be well, Rae
  9. Being near my mother or brothers is a trigger for me. Fear of inferiority (physical, financial, academic) in social situations can do it.
  10. I am a new mom (son is 13 months) and it is motherhood and finally recognizing the impact of my state of mind on my marriage that has convinced me to take further treatment steps. I have tried talk therapy, but it hasn't done anything but increase my anxiety about someone else's reactions and judgments about me as a person. I have an appointment on Monday to talk to my doctor about medication. I don't have a good answer for you, but I do believe it can get better. I also believe that if you are taking the initiative to help yourself, you are not a crappy mother. Depression is hard. Being a parent suffering from depression is a whole new kind of hard. Hang in there.
  11. I have not made it as far as you have. I still feel like I am defective.
  12. I still have anxiety over having anxiety - it can be a vicious cycle.
  13. Hi Wisteria, I am sorry to hear that you were feeling this way so young, but you are not alone. I remember when I was about six years old, I was watching the news with my Mema and there was a story of a woman who had tried to k*** her child. I asked my Mema if that woman was trying to have an abortion, and despite her shock, she told me no and asked what I thought that meant. I remember telling her that my mom told me that she wished she would have had one and that I knew it meant to k*** a baby. I think that is the first time I remember feeling depressed.
  14. I am a new member, but not by any means new to depression and anxiety. The difference now is that I am a mother and a wife and my problems are reflecting on the people I care about, causing me to feel guilt, sorrow, and failure. I have some need to just tell someone, anyone I guess, everything that is going on in my mind right now. Here it is. I will be honest, I am not expecting an outcome from this, it is just satisfying what is likely just a selfish need to vomit my life out through my fingertips. I grew up with a manic mother. She had me very young as well as one sibling who lived with us and one who she later gave up for adoption. She snorted illegal drug and she drank a lot, but her most severe addiction was men and she couldn't get enough of them. As a child, I saw men come in and out of our lives at a rapid rate. I saw my mother have sex with men. She let those men beat me and my brother. She let them beat her. Ultimately she chose one of those men over me and kicked me out at the age of 15. I did see my mother off and on throughout the years following that, but she never acknowledged anything that had happened in my/our life. I will add that I do have a relationship with my mother now, albeit a strained one that is based largely on my fear of not having anyone, or worse, her not having anyone. There was a long period in my life of drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity. All of these behaviors seemed to define me socially and even seem accepted by those around me. Thankfully I was able to pull myself out of those habits over time, but that image of my life still haunts me and I worry it is always present in the minds of those who knew me then and still do now. My biggest fear in life has always been becoming my mother. Not necessarily a fear that I would f*** people in front of my kids or blow lines off of my dining room table, but that I would be the kind of person she is. Selfish, thoughtless, hurtful, and unable to administer self-control over my own life. There have been times throughout the years that I have seen some of these tendencies creep up, but I have always managed to, or at least to convince myself that I had them under control. Now I realize that I have not been as successful at this as I would have liked to believe. I have a one year old son and I am married. I experienced some antepartum and postpartum depression and was literally laughed at by my OBGYN and told that I was just a miserable pregnant woman. Obviously this is ultra unprofessional, but in the state I was living, I just let it bring me further down. After about my sixth month of motherhood, I felt like I was doing well. I love my son more than anything and he is healthy and happy. But recently I have found that I lack happiness in engaging with him and feel, again, like I am failing at being a mother. To be quite frank, I did not plan to become a mother for fear that I would burden him with who I am. I would not give it up for anything, but the honest truth is that I never had it as a goal. For the last couple of months I have questioned my relationship with my husband. I have felt like he doesn't appreciate or compliment me. I feel like he is critical of me and that he does not find my ideas to be credible - basically that he finds me to be incompetent as a wife, mother, and human being. He and I have been together for six years and we met on an online dating website. Early on he made a joke (I think) that I am a generally unlikeable person. That I am aggressive and abrasive. He may not have even said those last two things, but they have been echoed so many times in my life that it is definitely what I heard and remember. I remember that him telling me once that he thought I needed more hobbies and that I was too dependent on him to occupy my time. This might have been true. I was alone for years before we met and I probably latched too tight. At any rate, back to me questioning the relationship - last night I told him that we needed to talk. I was scheduled to go away with some girlfriends this weekend and I told him I was thinking about staying home because I felt that whenever he and I have problems we try to solve them with time apart, rather than communicating. As I spoke he told me that I was repeating things that I say often. Things about him not having confidence in me as a mother and wife; things about him not complimenting me as a woman; things about him seeming unhappy in general. Now I feel like I need to add that this is probably the 4th serious conversation that can recall having with him over the last six years. We talk, but not sit-down, hash-out chats. He told me that he is tired of hearing these things "all of the time". At first I was p*****. I don't say this all of the time and that is why it has taken me months to finally talk about it. After it was all over I lay on the couch and tried to think back on what he was telling me. And then I realized something - so, so many of the things that happened in my life as a child, my mother claims not to remember. I have also heard other people accuse her of things that she will take no responsibility for. Now I know she was on drugs and often drunk, but some of these things are more recent. So now I have to wonder, am I not only depressed but maybe even delusional in some way? This is incredibly frightening. I have more to say but I am going to stop here. I am calling to make an appointment with my doctor and hope that I don't destroy my marriage in the meantime. I don't really expect anyone to read this - I imagine it would be daunting to open an introduction and see that someone has laid her life out in paragraph form. Good day.
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