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Everything posted by jayni

  1. I'm glad the support here is giving you insight and strength. I heard a story a long time ago that really stuck with me...a couple were dating a while and the guy said (I think at a point where he was taking her for granted and everyone does this at some point) that he may want to see other people rather than get tied down. Even though inside her heart was totally breaking she maintained her dignity and told him that was fine and perhaps she should do the same. Her reaction, as opposed to crying, etc., made him second guess letting her slip away. He stuck with it and they parted for a short time but it was not long before he was back telling her he had made a mistake. I really do think that people just seem more attractive when they aren't too easy to get, if you know what I mean. Either way it turns out, no matter how painful it is, I think it really does turn out for the best because you just ultimately don't want someone who doesn't wholeheartedly want you in the same way.
  2. As a female I'm going to tell you what I think is going on. Yes, she's prob going through things, depression, financial woes, etc. but often when another person, male or female, tries too hard it can be taken as weakness. I know this from times I've wanted a relationship more than the other person and from times when I was the one who wanted it less and didn't respect the person for sort of groveling or trying too hard. You simply must have your dignity. I don't like the way she talked to you at the restaurant, saying to mind your own business. There is never a good reason to say that disrespectfully and there wasn't anything wrong with you being curious in that situation. Give her space. I think that if she felt you would be able to go on without her if it came down to it she might actually think you more worthy of her consideration. Ultimately, as much as you want to help and support her, she must be the one to help herself more than any other. Who would want to be in a relationship where you have to carry the other? Everyone must pull their own weight. I hope you find strength and peace no matter the outcome here.
  3. Journaling helps me sort out and even understand my own thoughts. Yes, and even recognize the self-defeating ones. I agree with BeyondWeary that reading others' posts can be helpful and even help you get out of your own head to help someone else. Hope you finds lots of support and healing.
  4. It's hard to be hyper-sensitive, I know. There are estimates that 25% of people in the world feel things (all kinds of sensory experiences) much more acutely than the rest of folks. Life is harsh at times and people can be more harsh. Recognize your sensitivities and when you need a time-out and above all be kind to yourself. There's no use in belittling yourself for your frailties. We all have them and even your friends who SEEM to have life figured out because they APPEAR successful have or will have insecurities to contend with and times in life when the rug is pulled out from under them. So take heart and capitalize on your positive qualities (of course you have them) and try to remember that even these lean times can be used to improve your character and to help you have compassion in dealing with others going through the same. Hugs
  5. I say you don't have to tell them, at least not now. But you do need a support system. As long as you stay with your counselor and meds you'll be in a position to get stronger. Some people aren't safe so you have to first determine whether or not your family is in a good place to hear it and can be supportive otherwise you will be making more problems for yourself. Only lean on strong, safe people. Prayers for your healing journey...
  6. Hmm, try a different doctor maybe. If she is not listening then you'd probably do better with someone who does? There could be any number of things going on. Can you pinpoint what is going on before you feel this way? Could it be hunger? Stress? Some other thing setting it off?
  7. First of all, I can say from experience, that feelings come and go. Whatever you do, don't let yourself fall into the trap of whatever you're struggling with today is going to stay like this the rest of your life. I know, it's not easy. Just think of making it through one day. Please continue to look for the right therapist who you connect with. This isn't easy either. It's sorta like finding good friends. But it's important so don't give up. My guess is your job will get easier for you as you get used to it. Also, I know how much my dog has meant to my mental health so be with that furry therapist as much as you can. When I walk my dog I like to imagine what it's like in his world, how all the scents, sights and sounds affect him. He is so joyous and lives life to the fullest. He adores everyone he meets and things the greatest thing in the world is when he gets to chase a squirrel. I should be a lot more like him. Take one day at a time and know that we are pulling for you, praying for you, and wishing good things. Hugs.
  8. My heart hurts for you, Nashe. Please don't hurt yourself. If I was there I'd stop you by taking your hands in mine then I'd hug you. The relief you feel is because you think you are punishing yourself and deserve it but you don't. And it always comes back, doesn't it? Instead please work on the root of that pain and anxiety. I want you to overcome those thoughts of escape by dying. Instead envision yourself overcoming and living a good life with those painful times behind you. It can happen. Then you can help others. If you're not in counseling this is a must. If you don't have one you can call Focus on the Family (855.382.5433) for a free consultation with a counselor and then they can refer you to someone in your area. I called them once during a really dark time and the voice on the other end was kind, supportive, and encouraging. I pray you find just what you need at this time. I don't know where your personal faith is but God is not someone to fear but He loves you just as you are right in this moment and wants to steer you in the right direction, to His heart for you. Hugs.
  9. You have a lot going on but at the very least let me tell you that you're doing good - you're busting your butt and you've taken stock of your issues and what you can and can't do. You have writing talent. Not easy to break into as far as getting published but have you thought of doing freelance editing? That could at least make you some extra money that you could do from home. The biggest thing is to network for those opportunities and who knows, maybe you could meet someone who knows someone who could get you in contact with a publisher, agent, or other? Networking is mainly done online these days, Linked In is huge. As far as your finances, all you can do is what you're doing. They can't get blood out of a stone. Medical debt is the leading cause of bankruptcy. You are very considerate of your friend who co-signed for you. As for the roommate situation I guess the best you can do for now is to avoid him as much as possible. Try not to let him add to your frustrations. Take solace in your furry friends - my baby (pictured) is so healing for me and is my only real family. I understand what it's like to have limited housing options because of your dog. So just slow down a bit and breathe. We're here for you. Take one day at a time, really. One hour at a time. This is what life is, struggling and trying to come through the struggles a better person. Your life is worth living and isn't anywhere close to over. I'm 52 and can look back and see that the way I felt in my 40's isn't the way I still feel about a lot of things. Even when it's hard there is still hope. I know it all feels unfixable but you don't really 'fix' things, you adapt and change. Keep talking to your therapist, keep doing the things that help, and look for the little delights in life (when your dog looks up you adoringly, a stunning sunset, brisk, fresh air) that soothe your soul from all the unpleasantness. Hugs.
  10. You are so welcome! Your feelings are something you should always pay attention to. But not always follow. I like journaling to help me vent and sort things out then I go back one or two days later and see how I don't exactly feel the same. I don't always trust my emotions but I do pay attention to them. I don't think you are complaining, but you are calling for help and that's okay. We are made to need others' help at times. I'm so very hopeful for you...
  11. My heart hurts for you and all that you've gone through. I can see why you might have anxiety since you've never had a safe place. I can see why you so want boundaries in your life. I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore, or be with abusers, or to go to jail. I think a good therapist would be a great step to starting your healing. Focus on the Family has a free consultation (855.382.5433) with a licensed counselor and then they can refer you to someone in your area. Get into therapy and take baby steps to recover your heart and keep your eye on the prize of living the life you want and being the person you want to be. You have shown incredible strength to come through all that and to still have the presence of mind to know when things are damaging. I so pray for a transformation of your pain into joy!
  12. You're in the right place for support! Your treatment plan can be modified as needed but you will always need a kind, listening ear. We are here for that. In my opinion meds can be helpful but we really need supportive people to heal us where the issues stem from. Blessings on your lifelong journey to recover your heart...
  13. jayni

    So tired

    It IS hard to find someone or a group you connect with. The thing is you must keep looking, don't ever give up the search. You need people on your life's journey and will always be attempting to sort the good, healthy people from the unhealthy, damaging ones. Please take care of yourself then one day you will find, although not having it all together, you have enough to help someone else going through similar things. Then a different kind of healing takes place. Hugs.
  14. jayni

    So tired

    I totally get what you are saying, it makes sense and is not a mess at all. You don't even know how strong you are and how much you have to offer. But you're human and have weaknesses and need to be understood as well. It sounds like you don't have anyone in your life to lean on. It's good that you are venting here but I think it would be good if you would also seek some counseling or at least a good support group. Maybe even try a different medication. Family can be tiresome for anyone. Do what you can to take care of yourself and recharge. Then you will have more energy for other things you need to do. You sound tired and that's normal. Share with your husband what you're struggling with, he probably would like to know. I'm glad you're not self-harming, keep up the good fight. We here are pulling for you! And I will pray for your strength.
  15. Love that you think about helping others with your story. And sorry you're going through it but I pray it does bring about good things to yourself and others. Talking/writing about it will help but it never hurts to get counseling. I also pray for you in your health issues. We are here to listen...
  16. Your anxieties about this are understandable. But try and remember that you are not stuck in the past. Things can and do change and your hard work is sure to make a difference in the outcome. Whatever your bosses have said to express confidence in you repeat to yourself when you have those negative thoughts. Say those things out loud because it's more powerful that way. I had too many years stuck in terrible jobs with terrible supervisors and couldn't understand it. The only thing you can really do is to hold on and believe. And to remember that there are valuable life lessons during the difficult periods. Hugs. Hope to hear back that you've aced the exam!
  17. I agree that your post made total sense. It's hard when your immediate family doesn't understand you. Yes, do seek counseling. Also, I think you could benefit from journaling. I'm also more of an introvert and think that people just don't get me. Journaling helps me sort out my own thoughts and is a release for those things that I don't think others would easily understand. There could be medical or hormonal issues going on. It's okay to distract yourself at times because we do need a break from the difficult thoughts. But there is also something there that needs paying attention to. Also, I remember graduating from high school and feeling somewhat lost about what to do with my life. It's really okay. But you're doing the right thing by reaching out. Praying for you...
  18. Wow, it seems like you're getting some very unsupportive advice. I understand your culture is very macho but you have to take care of yourself and don't let others tell you how you are supposed to be or feel. God gave us feelings to help us or warn us of things we need to pay attention to. I'm no expert on meds but there's no shame in taking some, especially if they help. If they don't work then try a different one. A psychiatrist usually only prescribes meds but doesn't offer counseling. That's what I suggest for you. You don't need someone telling you that you have problems and then doing nothing to help you! I bet you could find a supportive men's group in a church or something. And you will find that lots of men have the same struggles. Alcohol will only add to negative feelings because it's a depressant. Can you go back to your music without drinking? A marriage counselor might be good, too, if your wife is willing to go. But don't listen to anyone who tells you to give up on your dreams! Just take one day at a time. And make sure you find people who support and encourage you. Praying strength for you...
  19. Hang in there, Corbin. Get counseling and as much support as you can from healthy, supportive people. And focus on everything helpful you get from this site. Prayers for you...
  20. I don't see why you can't get a different job. I mean, what's the worst they could do? If you're going to college when will that be? At least you know that this situation is temporary. Regarding the statement, everyone at some point or another says things they don't mean/later regret. Hopefully they can learn to forgive at some point. I mean, you're the child here and with a condition requiring meds. Don't take her word for how your grandparents feel - ask them directly. Have a relationship with them and who knows, they might be in your corner? No one wants to live under constant threats (reporting you, etc.). Even so, what can the guidance counselor really do? Just bide your time then until you're off to college. Then maybe the distance will bring enlightening to all of you. Sorry your family is tough but everyone seems to have some psychodrama in theirs as well.
  21. Studies show that when people multi-task none of the tasks get done as effectively as they would have been if they were done one at a time. Okay, you're 18. Is there someone you can rent a room from to get away from this situation? You're never going to heal when being constantly berated! I recommend a book called Safe People by Henry Cloud. It will help you better respond when you're being abused and to recognize it when it's occurring. There are many different jobs out there and many different work environments. Not all places have those kind of expectations. Can you look for a different job? My feeling is that you will be able to relax and heal in safe environments (home and work) and that will open up healing for your psyche. No one, absolutely no one, would thrive in that environment. Then when you're able to you can work on your relationship with your parents, from a place of strength. Prayers for you...
  22. I agree, you sound very articulate and you're at least questioning them rather than being passive about things. Keep at it until you find health professionals that are responsive to you, don't give up. Unfortunately this society is consumed with physical appearance/weight and you never know what issues the people talking to you about it have on those topics. Yes, your weight and health are important but I'd say getting yourself on the meds that help you function and thrive takes precedence. Maybe you can address any possible diet issues down the road, assuming there is anything you can improve upon. It's just overwhelming trying to do everything at once. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself, especially when so few other people are. I would say journal kind, affirming thoughts to yourself that directly relate to/contradict the ugly things people say. And Starsea is right - there are always so-called experts claiming it's easy when they're talking about someone else's life. They probably wouldn't like the magnifying glass turned on them. Hang in there, you're not alone...
  23. Why don't you want to get counseling? I'll admit it can be weird or uncomfortable especially if you don't click with them. But I suggest you try because there is good help out there, someone who can help you think straight. There is a counseling hotline you can call for a free consultation with a licensed counselor from Focus on the Family (855.382.5433) and then they can refer you to someone in your area. I'm sorry for the cruelty you experienced but trust me, there are decent, caring people out there. Feelings are powerful - I know this - but you should fight to not let them take you down. It sounds like you have talent and it should not go to waste.
  24. Whoa. I'm sure I'm not equipped to handle all your questions/difficulty. But I would be happy to ruminate with you in personal messages (is that on this site?). You've read some good books; I like Ragamuffin Gospel, too, and really relate to it. You were ensconced, weren't you? I didn't grow up as a Christian which probably makes it feel more like it wasn't pushed on me. One of Eldredge's books, Walking With God, talks about really hearing from Him and having conversational intimacy - I could never get that and it bothers me some. I guess I think a lot about other believers through the ages or in other countries now who don't have bibles and endure tremendous persecution. I try and gain some perspective from their stories (various books and podcasts) and give up trying to make my faith look like others'. I like that you're still searching. I truly believe He won't let go of you. If we continue this conversation I'll look for some books I've heard about (just can't think of them at the moment and have to rush). I'm just going to have to add you to my prayer list. Yup, I pray a lot, despite getting way frustrated at times. I've had a few good rants at God, too, along the way, and after I got over my own fears that He was going to zap me or give me some type of punishment, I felt (and I know this is an elusive, non-substantiated thing) that He understood and was still there.
  25. Okay, I'm not going to get preachy. But it does pain me to hear when people have lost their faith. I left my faith (sort of, because I couldn't stop feeling that God was haunting me) for about a two year period after my divorce and overall disillusionment with church and Christianity. Church because I'd been through too much drama at churches; I still haven't found what I'm looking for there but I keep trying to find fellowship with others that are on the same page spiritually. Christianity disillusioned me for a while because I found that I was often comparing myself to the victorious testimonies of others and I was not even close to being there. Why wasn't I victorious after many years of being a Christian? I have finally found that it's okay for me to be where I am on my journey. Christ (note, not church and not other Christians) is my solace and I find great comfort in His promises, even though I don't often understand what He's doing with all that's going on. I have to accept and then trust Him though I'm blind and often impotent. I'll suggest a book called Sacred Romance by John Eldredge. He has many great books and is sometimes criticized by mainstream churches for not being what they see as 'fundamentalist.' Sacred Romance was his first book and for me it brought life to my walk with God that was sorely lacking because of my previous focus on how my life looked on the outside. It really talks about an intimate, personal relationship with God, which for me is what I always wanted. I guess it helped me to see that He really does love me individually, rather than in just a distant blase way because He has to. I hope that makes sense...
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