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About jayni

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  1. I'm glad the support here is giving you insight and strength. I heard a story a long time ago that really stuck with me...a couple were dating a while and the guy said (I think at a point where he was taking her for granted and everyone does this at some point) that he may want to see other people rather than get tied down. Even though inside her heart was totally breaking she maintained her dignity and told him that was fine and perhaps she should do the same. Her reaction, as opposed to crying, etc., made him second guess letting her slip away. He stuck with it and they parted for a short time but it was not long before he was back telling her he had made a mistake. I really do think that people just seem more attractive when they aren't too easy to get, if you know what I mean. Either way it turns out, no matter how painful it is, I think it really does turn out for the best because you just ultimately don't want someone who doesn't wholeheartedly want you in the same way.
  2. As a female I'm going to tell you what I think is going on. Yes, she's prob going through things, depression, financial woes, etc. but often when another person, male or female, tries too hard it can be taken as weakness. I know this from times I've wanted a relationship more than the other person and from times when I was the one who wanted it less and didn't respect the person for sort of groveling or trying too hard. You simply must have your dignity. I don't like the way she talked to you at the restaurant, saying to mind your own business. There is never a good reason to say that disrespectfully and there wasn't anything wrong with you being curious in that situation. Give her space. I think that if she felt you would be able to go on without her if it came down to it she might actually think you more worthy of her consideration. Ultimately, as much as you want to help and support her, she must be the one to help herself more than any other. Who would want to be in a relationship where you have to carry the other? Everyone must pull their own weight. I hope you find strength and peace no matter the outcome here.
  3. Journaling helps me sort out and even understand my own thoughts. Yes, and even recognize the self-defeating ones. I agree with BeyondWeary that reading others' posts can be helpful and even help you get out of your own head to help someone else. Hope you finds lots of support and healing.
  4. It's hard to be hyper-sensitive, I know. There are estimates that 25% of people in the world feel things (all kinds of sensory experiences) much more acutely than the rest of folks. Life is harsh at times and people can be more harsh. Recognize your sensitivities and when you need a time-out and above all be kind to yourself. There's no use in belittling yourself for your frailties. We all have them and even your friends who SEEM to have life figured out because they APPEAR successful have or will have insecurities to contend with and times in life when the rug is pulled out from under them. So take heart and capitalize on your positive qualities (of course you have them) and try to remember that even these lean times can be used to improve your character and to help you have compassion in dealing with others going through the same. Hugs
  5. I say you don't have to tell them, at least not now. But you do need a support system. As long as you stay with your counselor and meds you'll be in a position to get stronger. Some people aren't safe so you have to first determine whether or not your family is in a good place to hear it and can be supportive otherwise you will be making more problems for yourself. Only lean on strong, safe people. Prayers for your healing journey...
  6. Hmm, try a different doctor maybe. If she is not listening then you'd probably do better with someone who does? There could be any number of things going on. Can you pinpoint what is going on before you feel this way? Could it be hunger? Stress? Some other thing setting it off?
  7. First of all, I can say from experience, that feelings come and go. Whatever you do, don't let yourself fall into the trap of whatever you're struggling with today is going to stay like this the rest of your life. I know, it's not easy. Just think of making it through one day. Please continue to look for the right therapist who you connect with. This isn't easy either. It's sorta like finding good friends. But it's important so don't give up. My guess is your job will get easier for you as you get used to it. Also, I know how much my dog has meant to my mental health so be with that furry therapist as much as you can. When I walk my dog I like to imagine what it's like in his world, how all the scents, sights and sounds affect him. He is so joyous and lives life to the fullest. He adores everyone he meets and things the greatest thing in the world is when he gets to chase a squirrel. I should be a lot more like him. Take one day at a time and know that we are pulling for you, praying for you, and wishing good things. Hugs.
  8. My heart hurts for you, Nashe. Please don't hurt yourself. If I was there I'd stop you by taking your hands in mine then I'd hug you. The relief you feel is because you think you are punishing yourself and deserve it but you don't. And it always comes back, doesn't it? Instead please work on the root of that pain and anxiety. I want you to overcome those thoughts of escape by dying. Instead envision yourself overcoming and living a good life with those painful times behind you. It can happen. Then you can help others. If you're not in counseling this is a must. If you don't have one you can call Focus on the Family (855.382.5433) for a free consultation with a counselor and then they can refer you to someone in your area. I called them once during a really dark time and the voice on the other end was kind, supportive, and encouraging. I pray you find just what you need at this time. I don't know where your personal faith is but God is not someone to fear but He loves you just as you are right in this moment and wants to steer you in the right direction, to His heart for you. Hugs.
  9. You have a lot going on but at the very least let me tell you that you're doing good - you're busting your butt and you've taken stock of your issues and what you can and can't do. You have writing talent. Not easy to break into as far as getting published but have you thought of doing freelance editing? That could at least make you some extra money that you could do from home. The biggest thing is to network for those opportunities and who knows, maybe you could meet someone who knows someone who could get you in contact with a publisher, agent, or other? Networking is mainly done online these days, Linked In is huge. As far as your finances, all you can do is what you're doing. They can't get blood out of a stone. Medical debt is the leading cause of bankruptcy. You are very considerate of your friend who co-signed for you. As for the roommate situation I guess the best you can do for now is to avoid him as much as possible. Try not to let him add to your frustrations. Take solace in your furry friends - my baby (pictured) is so healing for me and is my only real family. I understand what it's like to have limited housing options because of your dog. So just slow down a bit and breathe. We're here for you. Take one day at a time, really. One hour at a time. This is what life is, struggling and trying to come through the struggles a better person. Your life is worth living and isn't anywhere close to over. I'm 52 and can look back and see that the way I felt in my 40's isn't the way I still feel about a lot of things. Even when it's hard there is still hope. I know it all feels unfixable but you don't really 'fix' things, you adapt and change. Keep talking to your therapist, keep doing the things that help, and look for the little delights in life (when your dog looks up you adoringly, a stunning sunset, brisk, fresh air) that soothe your soul from all the unpleasantness. Hugs.
  10. You are so welcome! Your feelings are something you should always pay attention to. But not always follow. I like journaling to help me vent and sort things out then I go back one or two days later and see how I don't exactly feel the same. I don't always trust my emotions but I do pay attention to them. I don't think you are complaining, but you are calling for help and that's okay. We are made to need others' help at times. I'm so very hopeful for you...
  11. My heart hurts for you and all that you've gone through. I can see why you might have anxiety since you've never had a safe place. I can see why you so want boundaries in your life. I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore, or be with abusers, or to go to jail. I think a good therapist would be a great step to starting your healing. Focus on the Family has a free consultation (855.382.5433) with a licensed counselor and then they can refer you to someone in your area. Get into therapy and take baby steps to recover your heart and keep your eye on the prize of living the life you want and being the person you want to be. You have shown incredible strength to come through all that and to still have the presence of mind to know when things are damaging. I so pray for a transformation of your pain into joy!
  12. You're in the right place for support! Your treatment plan can be modified as needed but you will always need a kind, listening ear. We are here for that. In my opinion meds can be helpful but we really need supportive people to heal us where the issues stem from. Blessings on your lifelong journey to recover your heart...
  13. jayni

    So tired

    It IS hard to find someone or a group you connect with. The thing is you must keep looking, don't ever give up the search. You need people on your life's journey and will always be attempting to sort the good, healthy people from the unhealthy, damaging ones. Please take care of yourself then one day you will find, although not having it all together, you have enough to help someone else going through similar things. Then a different kind of healing takes place. Hugs.
  14. jayni

    So tired

    I totally get what you are saying, it makes sense and is not a mess at all. You don't even know how strong you are and how much you have to offer. But you're human and have weaknesses and need to be understood as well. It sounds like you don't have anyone in your life to lean on. It's good that you are venting here but I think it would be good if you would also seek some counseling or at least a good support group. Maybe even try a different medication. Family can be tiresome for anyone. Do what you can to take care of yourself and recharge. Then you will have more energy for other things you need to do. You sound tired and that's normal. Share with your husband what you're struggling with, he probably would like to know. I'm glad you're not self-harming, keep up the good fight. We here are pulling for you! And I will pray for your strength.
  15. Love that you think about helping others with your story. And sorry you're going through it but I pray it does bring about good things to yourself and others. Talking/writing about it will help but it never hurts to get counseling. I also pray for you in your health issues. We are here to listen...
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