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someone111

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  1. Today she finished it, she told me that sometimes she just spent time with me because she felt bad leaving me alone, she also said that I'm not important in her life when a month ago she said I was, she told me to not talk to her anymore and stop obsessing about her, then we could maybe talk again once in a while or something, that's what she told me. All this because I asked her if there's something wrong because we haven't talked for two weeks since I said to myself I would stop bothering her and let her talk to me, but she never did so I just asked why wouldn't she spend some time with me if I'm her friend, she just told me "you're just a GUY that has a crush on me and you're obsessed" that's how she addressed me a GUY, I just wanted her friendship but slowly I realize that she's a completely different person and a huge liar, problem is... I can't believe that that's how she is, when I remember her smiles and the time we spend together I can't believe that she actually would be that way, she's a completely different person, I'm just confused and sad. I can't believe that she said these things to me when she was saying exactly the opposite months ago.. I was once again betrayed and had my feelings crushed yet again. And I remember telling her... I shouldn't invest myself I shouldn't do it, I can't go trough it again it will break me.. And back then she said she's not like that so I did put my all just one more time... Fast forward today and where am I? At the same position betrayed by someone I thought was amazing...
  2. So yeah, we had somewhat of a talk as I was trying to once again explain to her that I feel left out and alone, yet to hear im selfish, the whole conversation ended with her saying that she most of the time "didnt have anything beter to do" and thats why... And after that she told me she is going out with the new guy and also said that they would probably be together from today and make out. Am I being overly crazy about all this? Is this how someone that I thought was a close friend of mine (and that she had me as a close friend too) should treat each other? Am I delusional for thinking that she just dropped me for something that makes her feel better? In the end is it wrong for me to feel that way? I dont know what to feel or do anymore, everything seems meaningless? As if I just lost my purpose? A fun fact is that I had my heart broken by a girl before, I managed to get over it, and after some years I had a relationship with one of her friends back then which resulted in another disappointment, she left everyone because she found another boyfriend, so back then I was totally demolished after 2 major breakups I was thinking that theres no need to having people close to you, theres no reason to give my all to someone just to throw me in the trashbin afterwards... but then I made the mistake, thats when I started getting closer to the current girl im talking about since the begging of the post, I remember clearly telling her, when I thought to myself that, I told her "Screw it I will do it one more time, I will invest my all and I hope you wont be the same person as the ones before" she smiled and said no, no way I will be like them ever, and after 2 years, here we are, I also told her that, I told her "isnt this what you told me you will never be like?" in which she replied, its not like that, im not dumping you, i just give attention to other stuff too... I dont know if theres any reason to trust people, why trust them, for what they give to you is nothing compared to what might happen, why did I take the chance? Why do I always fall for the things people tell me? Why do I just open up so willingly to others? Maybe its because I want to feel loved? I always feel like I give everything most of the times feeling like I dont need anything in return, other than a smile or some gratitude nothing else, something to make me feel wanted, but in the end i just get used up, why do i have to be such a failure to everyones eyes? Maybe if im a d**k to them and never show them the slightest sliver of attention or love they will surround me? Women and men alike, I used to talk with 2 of my highschool friends, only to dish me out when they found 2 girls that were close friends, wouldnt find time for me, they would only care about themselves having a nice time, why make bonds? bonds that are broken by such simple things... its amazing what the human mind can do to your body.... I just feel i will become a black soul, a void, nothing.. maybe it would be better that way?
  3. I just post for the sake of me feeling better about it, so I have somehow managed to not get too agitated when I think about her not really paying attention to me, also today (At least as of now) I havent said anything to her or made any contact, so did she though, she is online and she is browsing around and stuff but she hasnt bothered with me, it is painful but I will do my best to maybe make her see that I am not for granted and that I have some type of honor about myself, other than that I still feel guilt and worthless in her eyes and its ******* me. I feel so much better by writing down my thoughts here, I have tried writing them down on a notebook but it doesnt give me the same feeling.. We had a chat yesterday she kept talking about the new guy how awesome he is how much she likes him and all of this, sure its something new in her life and shes excited but the pain i get for not being able to make her feel happy and relieved when im around anymore is ******* me, really old memories just keep blasting in when she was smiling and having a great time with me and now we are in this "fighting state" of "you are hurting me too much" and "you are being selfish i wont destroy my life cause of your feelings" circle... sigh, lets hope she contacts me later today, that would make me happy
  4. We did not have a relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend, we were more like friends, but in the pass of time and sometimes stuff we did hinted me towards her having a romantic attraction to me, which was false and I got rejected, yet we both wanted to be friends, and I just can't let her go. I agree she is free to do whatever she wants and I won't be a burden to her,. It as she says she does care about me and wants to be my friend. And so do I no matter how much it pains me to think of her not being mine and also not even being able to have her close even if it's not a romantic relationship.
  5. I just can't let her go... I tried I really did, for example just 20 minutes ago I couldn't hold back, I haven't talked to her at all since yesterday and as I was checking Facebook I saw that she was online 5 minutes ago then after an hour I would check again and see that she was active 1 minute ago, so 20 minutes ago I couldn't hold it any longer and I asked her how she is doing and how was her day, she said everything was fine and that she will take a shower and go out ( with that guy and other friends again ) I told her to have a great time and we said bye to each other, I did felt relieved after talking to her, but again I was the one that asked her how she was and I made first contact, if I've let it most probably she wouldn't have asked me, and that's making me sad. About how was my relationship with her before all this and before meeting him or trying to distance herself, we would hang out almost all day every day, either that was via Skype ( watching series, movies or playing games together) discussing about random things, and sometimes of the week we would go out, (not just the two of us) with some friends that hanged on skype with us, sometimes we would give massages to each other, and if you want me to go into more details she liked foot massage the most, obviously I enjoyed it too, since she was feeling great and I was getting my dose of false hope in a way? Well about a month ago she started working double hours so we wouldn't see each other that often up close maybe 1 time in two weeks? But we would talk and watch stuff on skype everyday, sometimes she would go out with girlfriends or other friends , which was ok with me since she can't be attached to me all the time, but we still had a healthy dose of communication. The real (excuse my language) started when she found out that she likes that guy and that he likes her back too, (obviously as I said before I hate it but that's my own issue and I have no word in her life nor I want to be a medium for her to make decions based upon my feelings) yet again it hurts... Sorry for the long post and thank you for your help. I really can't escape anywhere as even if I sit down or lay on my own bed I drown with thoughts about our past memories and the now so I just can't think of me holding for 10 days at my current state
  6. I dont know how I am feeling, I guess I feel a bit less terrible indeed after reading what people wrote to me and reading around the forums about other peoples issues. But still I am at a loss, indeed I want to preserve my relationship and hopefully get her to be open with me one day.. I really dont know how to do that though, I said to myself that I wont talk to her and instead wait for her to communicate, is it a wrong path? Should I try something else? Also I dont have currently someone else to talk to, she was my only out, we had a circle of friends but lately they are hanging without me, mostly because I guess she knows I will be a pain if im around (since shes going out with the guy she likes ) and if i was out with them things could turn ugly? And I also think its not a good idea too. But again I messed up, I just sent her This Song since it reflects my current state and my current decisions better than anything else.. Was it wrong from me? To send her that? Even when I told her I wont talk to her about my feelings yesterday? I just felt like I had to share it with her...
  7. I did develop feelings for her but I knew it wouldn't work out, I don't want to lose her from my life, I did ask her and she told me she doesn't want to but she wanted to be friends and so did I. Yes it might hurt me that someone else is with her instead of me but that's selfish of me and I never ever talk to her about these feelings since its her life and her choices, I could bear with that.. But the recent events as I described, her forgetting that I exist is what I can't take anymore... Thank you for your support, I will try to find other people to talk with but as I said... I currently don't feel like wanting to know or talk to others and develop w friendly relationship.
  8. Your words are making me feel much better, I would love if we could talk more as I felt like you understand how I can feel, to be honest I do like solitude or at least I did, that's why I give my focus on one person. In my case that person was the first one in my life that made me feel valued and was not just using me and do other things when I wasn't needed, I had some problems and that person was next to me and helped me out, I felt so close that I could literally give everything to them since they did that for me. And as I've said, to now lose that one person that I thought felt the same way as I did towards them (at least not at the same magnitude as me) but still I thought they did actually care. And now they just... Don't seem to bother or she says to me that " I won't ruin my life to make you feel better" and I'm always replying of course you won't.. That's exactly the opposite of what j want you to do.. But please understand how you're making me feel.. And then she goes off and tells me that in selfish and I'm overreacting. I don't understand.. The only thing that makes sense is that she is saying these things as if she wants to keep herself thinking shes doing nothing wrong.. I'm lost but reading what you wrote makes me smile.. Please do keep posting if you feel like it. It feels like I could maybe learn more from you. Thanks again
  9. Thank you... I really need it, I just had a long talk with her, (I doubt I managed to make her feel any different nor make her understand me no matter how hard i try) the thing is, what I have concluded and told her, is that no matter what she does i will always be there for her and I will no longer whine nor talk to her about my issues and she should be happy, she said ok and continued with the casual if you were not selfish you wouldnt have continued asking why i answered with an "ok". Bottom of the line, sure it does make me feel happy that she will be smiling with her new guy and her girlfriends and maybe pop and see what am i doing, no matter how bad or I feel or how much I need her attention.. I will just keep it all in let it eat me, Its awful but I really think that I want her to be happy, I would gladly take a bullet for her, give my life, my money everything I own, I dont care, what she once made me feel like when I began knowing her is irreplacable, she made me feel valued even if now I dont feel like that, maybe it was because she didnt have anyone to spend her time back then but... to me everything was so real... I dont know what else to do.. Maybe I wont be able to take it and blow up in one or two days and do something stupid... I dont know if anyone will read this or bother but, just hammering on my keyboard right now, just after I said goodnight to her is making me feel a bit relieved... maybe ill keep posting my feelings in this thread, if its against the forum rules I truly apologize, i just want to post it someplace for me to feel better and know that people read this, because deep inside of me I want someone to know how im feeling, even if they wont care in the end...
  10. Thank you once again for listening me out and answering back, I am such a closed person and I don't do good with meeting or being with others... It's very hard for me to make new friends or even meet people. At my current state I feel like I want to sob. Also I feel like I put unnecessary burdens on her shoulders by crying to her about everything, thanks again
  11. A little update, as i said she has this new guy, and as she told me she really likes him and wants to get to know him better, she has work almost everyday except mondays, and when we were talking we would go out maybe once per week or even once every two weeks since she was tired and busy, well since last friday she has been going out with him and another friend of hers that met her this guy, until today, right now she told me she will go out again. I feel.... I cant even explain to you how much this has hurt me... Thats 5 days in a row, not only im jealous of him and her friend for hanging out so much, i just want to be there and I cant, but the sheer frustration brings tears to my eyes, and I really just think of ending it, after what she just said I seriously started considering thats my only way out, and a way to make her regret it too? Call it selfish as she does, but right now I just want her to see what she has done to me...
  12. Thanks for your response, every post makes me feel a bit more at ease with myself, I do understand that I should not be that low with myself, but I just at this period cannot put myself over her, even if she does that, as stated above and call me a bad person for saying it, I do want her to feel guilty and realize that what she is doing is wrong... Also I just can't believe that a person that I've dedicated a good part of my life with could do such a thing... Thanks again for your support!
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