oliversarmy

I’ve been depressed since my mid-teens, when a childhood spent being emotionally abused, intimidated and isolated by my father took it’s inevitable toll. There followed years of a lack of any secure and trusting relationships with anyone, and I never had a girlfriend until I was 28. I spent the majority of my twenties working menial, low-paying jobs that left me unfulfilled, but as I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life I assumed this was an inevitable consequence. Within the same period, I had two incidents of major clinical depression, following two brief attempts at relationships that were ended swiftly. After the second case, I bit the bullet by going to see a doctor. I was prescribed Prozac and CBT. After about a year on Prozac, I decided to end the treatment. In the years since, I moved abroad and started a fairly happy relationship and worked as a teacher. I didn’t particularly enjoy teaching, but decided that, as I didn’t know what else I wanted to do, this was as good a profession as any. To gain more credentials and aim for better paying jobs, I decided to return home and undertake a teaching course that would give me recognized teacher status. But that’s when it’s all fallen apart. Within a month, I realised that I hate teaching, practically everything about it. The scrutiny, behaviour management, workload and stress associated with this, have become particularly unbearable, and I fear I’m not going to be able to complete the course. I'm constantly stressed, and have no time to myself. I want to just leave the course. But then I have no idea what to do with my life .At the age of 34. I have little in the way of savings, and now no idea about where my future lies. As a result, I’m incredibly depressed to the degree I was many years before. I constantly think about how everyone else I know seems to have life in order and are financially secure, and how this course was pretty much my last attempt at a life. I feel like an utter failure. What few friends I had in my hometown now seem to have fallen by the wayside, and I fear I’m just going to end up poor, lonely and deeply depressed once again, only this time further down a sinking hole.