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Everything posted by LoneSquirrel

  1. I'm sorry, evalynn. I hope everything is okay.
  2. I have a similar issue with my weight and romantic relationships. I'm sure it has everything to do with the fact that my only attention from my father growing up was in the form of insulting jokes or mean comments...most of them about my weight...even when I was an underweight little kid. Then when I became chunky during puberty, my mother started to chime in with her not-so-subtle comments ("do you really think you need that cookie?" "Those skirts are for skinny girls." Etc.) And an eating disorder was born (that was the reason for my first psychiatric hospitalization, actually). So I also think about physical characteristics and how they affect how others treat me. I am definitely treated differently now than I was when I was younger and skinnier. The thing about altering your appearance is that you have to wonder what sort of person you are catering to when you do that. Are you going to attract friends who will stand by you through thick and thin? If they care so much about your appearance, are they going to stick around and be your friend when you are having health problems or grieving a loss? Probably not. The sort of person who will only be friends with you if you look a certain way is not usually the sort of person who will go with you to the hospital when you have a scary test to undergo, or will help you move, or will answer the phone at 3 a.m. when something terrible happens and you need to talk. When you think about it, identifying the people who are into having "hot" friends is a good way to w33d out people who are going to be s****y friends. I used to have a friend who was like that. She thought it was okay to bring up my weight gain when I suggested that she try a different medication for her depression ("I don't want to try any of the meds that made you fat.") She also happened to be very unsupportive when my dad was dying, despite the fact that--according to her--her own dad was terminally ill with cancer. Bad friend. We're not friends anymore. I understand that people are more drawn to those who they find physically attractive, but there are other ways that people become drawn to one another. For instance, somebody can think I'm fat, but if I can make them laugh they enjoy that...so they enjoy talking to me. Whether or not the relationship goes any further than that depends on a lot of factors, but I can initially attract friends by making them laugh. And if they seem to think, "she's funny, but she's too fat to be my friend," then it's probably not much of a loss long-term, because that person would've wound up abandoning me when I needed them anyway. I guess what I'm saying is that it's not worth it to undergo dangerous plastic surgery so that shallow people will like you more. We like you here. We value what you have to say. We care how you feel. I know that's not the same as having your offline friends show up for you, but it shows that you are interesting, have substance and that people like who you are and enjoy interacting with you. You have value. It may not be as obvious to shallow people, but shallow people don't make good friends anyway. I can't speak about what the reasons are that your friends aren't showing up. Perhaps they all have different reasons that have nothing to do with any of this. There's no way for me to know...but I do know that if they aren't showing up because they value you less based on your looks, they aren't great friends anyway. Hugs to you, Lauryn. I hope your performance goes well and you're able to enjoy it!!! You deserve it!!!
  3. Yelling at me when he didn't like what I said seemed to be his M.O. I think he thought that he was qualified to do mental health counseling just because he had an "M.D." after his name. In reality, psychiatry and counseling are two different specialties. He should not have been trying to be a counselor when he wasn't qualified. However, he was not the first psychiatrist I'd seen who thought he was a counselor too. One day--after he got done yelling at me--I said, "I don't think this is helping me." He said, "I don't think it is either." And that is when we parted ways.
  4. I agree, Standup. That said, I do try to remain hopeful...but I'm a realist. It is possible that there could be some sort of spontaneous remission for you or I. It may not be likely, but it's possible. Maybe controversial nutritionists are right, and inflammation from improper diet or genetically-modified ingredients are causing us mental illness. Maybe we're deficient in certain nutrients, or we consume too much sugar and it causes or exacerbates the problem. Maybe you and I aren't living the sort of lifestyle that is suited to us, and that is causing a constant state of raised cortisol. Maybe mental illness is related to Epstein-Barr type viruses, and we need to look to antiviral treatments for answers. There are a number of different theories out there that could explain or partially explain what is going on with us, and there are new studies being done and new treatments being developed. So there is always hope...but how long can a person suffer before they are worn out? How long should a person live a life where it's a challenge just to get out of bed and shower? Is it worth it to continue holding on year after year, decade after decade? Each person must decide for him/herself. I have a lot of trouble making decisions. For me, making a list of pros and cons has often been helpful for making decisions. A person's decision to end a life will involve emotion, but that does not make it illogical. To say it's illogical just because there are emotions involved is erroneous. That would be like saying that ending a marriage can't be a logical decision. Sure there are emotions involved, but it doesn't mean that logic is absent. A teenager taking his own life because his girlfriend broke up with him would be an example of an emotional and illogical decision. This is not that. This is years of suffering, pursuing treatment, pondering options and becoming more and more worn out in the process. I do hope that you find relief, Standup. You are an asset here, and you are someone who I consider valuable. I would hate for the world to lose you, because you are a caring and helpful person...which seems to be rather rare these days. I hope for your continued strength. (But I also understand your point of view.) I'm always open to talking about different theories of depression, and possible remedies (even the "weird" ones). If you ever want to talk about stuff like that (or anything else), PM me.
  5. Why are you allowing another member to post venomous personal attacks against me?
  6. I wasn't emotional when I posted that response. Don't project your issues onto me. If doing a cost-benefit-type analysis of whether or not I should remain alive isn't logical, then I don't know what is. Of course emotions will figure in, and I'm not to the point that I'm emotionally ready to exit. The fact that you're reacting to my unemotional post with venom is an indication of your own instability, so perhaps you should take your own advice.
  7. The video is over an hour long. Does it teach you how to overcome the doubts that the Bible itself raises? That's where I'm at an impasse. I can't believe a book that is unbelievable to me. I've been told that I should read "The Case For Christ." I'm part of the way through, and I'm underwhelmed by its lack of persuasiveness. People keep referring me to things that they assure me will help with my disbelief, and I've been disappointed every time. I've asked Baptist, Presbyterian, Methodist, and Catholic clergy...nobody can answer my questions. Your post is telling us to have faith and believe, and I'm asking how to do that. There seems to be no end to the amount of people who will tell you that your beliefs or thoughts are incorrect, and that you should have faith in theirs. I just want to know how and why. Where do I find faith? I used to have some degree of faith, but the more I read the Bible, the more my faith wavered. How is it that God's own word could cause me to have a lack of faith? More importantly, why is it that when I ask God for guidance--just please, some sort of nudge in the right direction--I get nothing at all. I've prayed for years that he just let me feel that He is there, and I feel more alone than ever. It doesn't matter if I'm praying or reading a Bible. I feel alone. I don't ask for a cure for my depression. I don't ask for happiness. I just ask for some sort of reassurance that I'm not talking to myself. I've dedicated a lot of my time to reading through the Bible, trying to understand it, going to church, asking the questions I have and praying. And I feel more alone than ever. I know that the answer is always, "you don't have enough faith." Because something is wrong with me, or I'm doing something wrong, or my thinking is wrong. That seems to be the assumption. So what is it, and what can I do about it? I've already asked God for forgiveness for being awful, I've asked for Jesus to save me, I've tried to take that leap of faith...and it never lasts. I cannot sustain my faith when every time I open up a Bible, I read something that makes me doubt. If there is a God who loves me, why would He allow this? Two of my family members know that I don't believe anymore, and they think I'm just awful for that. But they cannot answer my questions any more than anyone else can. I reach out to God for some sort of reassurance, and I get nothing. I read His book, and it only adds to my doubt. People tell me to have faith, I ask them how, and I get no answers. The minute you tell most people that you do not believe, many of them react with judgments. How is it possible for me to not feel abandoned, doubtful, alone and judged? I just wanted some sort of relationship with God. If He is there, He must not want one with me.
  8. If I had terminal cancer, I doubt you'd be arguing that a decision to end my life would be illogical, but since I'm mentally ill, you've decided that my thoughts on suicide must actually be emotions. The meds have not been exhausted yet, but I'm not dead yet, am I? You've proven the point I was trying to make in my original post. You don't understand, but you think you do, because you think you know how I feel and what I'm thinking. You don't.
  9. Yeah, that's not unusual for me. In a way, I think it's partly because I want to be able to experience the feeling of being relaxed. If I go to sleep, I won't get to enjoy that short period of time where I'm not as anxious. I can think about things without getting as upset, listen to a guided meditation without getting distracted, etc. It feels good to be able to do that now and then. Also, no matter what the sleep med, I wind up developing a tolerance. All I can do to reset it is to lay off the med for a few days or more. It's hard to sleep during that time, but if I take True Calm (made by NOW Foods) it helps me through.
  10. It started out as "I'm glad I have a daughter who" and then--in the midst of some nice things--it said "realizes that it's more important to be purposeful than it is to be happy" (not the exact words probably, but similar to that). It was exactly the sort of card my mother would be enraged to receive from her own mother. I wish I still had it, and could erase her writing, forge Grandma's signature and give it to her for her next b-day. Then after she got done raging, I could tell her what I did and see the look on her hypocrite face. That would be priceless. And, yes, you are probably right. I've had counselors advise me to get away from her as well. I just need to get on my feet somehow.
  11. Yeah, me too. Thanks for the card, Mom.
  12. I have found it odd at times that people can't seem to "get" what I feel is completely rational. For instance, I was talking to a psychiatrist, and somehow we started talking about death. I mentioned that I didn't care what anyone did with my body after I die, because I'll be dead and it won't matter to me. They could throw my body in an open pit or whatever, I don't care. He spazzed out and started screaming at me. I've also told people that I think it's wrong to lie to children and tell them there's a Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, etc., because the more you lie to your child, the more you are teaching him/her that you can't be trusted to tell the truth. People routinely spaz out when I say this, telling me that if you don't tell your children these lies, you're robbing them of the wonder of childhood. But children will enjoy presents at Christmas time regardless of whether or not they think a mythical being has given them the presents, and you can read them the stories without trying to convince them that the characters actually exist. Another thing people don't seem to understand is when I say that it doesn't make much logical sense for me to continue on with my life. I'm using resources and contributing next to nothing, and I'm miserable. People act like I'm being irrational by saying that it makes sense for me to consider suicide, but from a logic standpoint, I don't see what the problem is. To me, these people are just basing their objections on emotions when I'm making a point based on facts and reasoning. Not everyone appreciates facts and reasoning, however.
  13. @ladysmurf Have you seen this? Interesting.
  14. You're not dumb, Waffles. Everybody says wrong things sometimes. It makes me cringe to think about some of the dumb stuff I've said...but I know I'm not dumb. Sometimes stuff just comes out that's not right. It happens.
  15. I'm glad you feel that way, PS. My mother gave me a birthday card with a verse on the front. It said something about it being more important to contribute than it is to be happy. It felt like a slap in the face to me. I'm glad your son has a better mom.
  16. I feel disconnected as well. Not so much on here, but everywhere else. I really don't feel like I'm part of the same world as others.
  17. I'm sorry, Natasha. Have you heard about Poop Club? (Think that discussion was several pages back.)
  18. I tend to do that when a relationship fails. "Was I too fat?" My logical mind tells me it's not that, but the voice in my head says differently.
  19. Sounds like a dissociative episode. I hope you're feeling better now, PB.
  20. I'm sorry you're suffering so much, Camellia.
  21. It's okay, Dolphin. You're not a failure just because you miscounted some money. That sort of thing can happen to anyone.
  22. I know what you mean. When I wake up at 2 pm, I feel like I've already wasted the day, so why even get up? Not a good way to look at it, but that's how I tend to see it.
  23. If you're being supportive of him emotionally, then that's more than what my parents have done for me. One of the things that many people seem to have a problem overcoming is lack of parental love. The sense is that, if your own parents don't love you, who can? So if he has that love from you, he won't have to deal with that fundamental problem...one that seems hard to overcome regardless of medical intervention and therapy. Is he in therapy right now? I, too, am having a difficult time being around people, leaving the house and other things, because of anxiety. Probably the hardest part is dealing with family members who not only think I'm just being dramatic, but they also haven't been supportive of my efforts to get the treatment I need. The weird thing is, my two closest family members have also had to deal with depression and anxiety, but they don't seem to understand. They seem to think that their suffering has been so much greater than mine, and that--in spite of that "fact"--they are doing so much better than I am. I guess they have to hold onto those beliefs in order to maintain a sense that they are in control of their own fates, but it has resulted in a lot of cruelty towards me. So, anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that the comments I made are coming from someone who hasn't had support or encouragement. Growing up, I was always taught that I wasn't capable, and that my ideas and dreams were unrealistic. It has really helped bring my depression and anxiety to a head, because I have been taught to believe that nothing is possible for me, while also being told that I'm lazy, dramatic, weak and somehow not living up to my potential. (In other words, it's been a total mindf***.) I suspect that life is different for your son, because he has your understanding, support and encouragement. I'm also someone who never felt that having children is something that I absolutely must do; many people feel that having children is essential to their happiness and purpose in life. I can't speak about that need, because--while I have felt maternal desires at times--I don't have the same need that others seem to have in regards to being a parent. I've noticed that it seems to be human nature to imagine great things for your children. Everyone seems to imagine their unborn baby to be a possible future president, doctor, etc. As sufferers of mental illness, one thing that puts us at a disadvantage when it comes to being realistic is the fact that we have been taught that mental illness is shameful...so we do everything we can to deny to ourselves that we're really that ill. I've been dealing with this since I was 7, and I've just recently been able to look at myself and say, "you are mentally ill. Not just a little bit. You have an illness that is serious." I suspect that when you were thinking of having children, you were probably not thinking and believing that you would have a child who would have such a difficult time. Society tells us that depression and anxiety are all in our minds and are totally surmountable. It's natural for people to think their child will be able to overcome what society tells us is "all in our minds." I hope you will not spend much time blaming yourself for his mental illness. It does no good to beat yourself up over it. You didn't have the same level of awareness as you do now, and there's really no guarantee that someone will turn out to have mental illness or not anyway. The best thing you can do is be the loving, caring and supportive mom that he needs. (If I had had that, who knows? Maybe I wouldn't be so f***ed up right now.) He may have a mental illness, but if he receives treatment and does well with it, he still has the potential to have a career, have a family and have the sort of life that you would want for him. There's no way of knowing for sure what the future holds in regards to his mental illness, but if you're letting him know that you love and support him, he has more than a lot of people with mental illness have.
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