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doodlings05

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  1. Me. There are things I hate and like about me. Why should I bother more than doing the most random things in life? Whether doing good, or bad, or silly things? Why would I acknowledge the mistakes I make? It's difficult to recognise myself if I'm not doing one of the damaging things to myself. At sometime, somewhere, I had done that. But what good is it doing it again without thinking what it does to me? What did my body signal to me? I scanned the last 15 min. First I thought I was lonely. I got up and by chance saw the mirror. So I started looking for reasons that why there aren't ppl with me. Is it because I look so unpleasant right now? Would they be with me if I looked better like I sometimes do? That's when I realised I'm just looking for a reason, that too in a lost state of mind, so any stupid reason will also do. Then I went to the kitchen, ate some grams and beaten rice which was there because I saw it and missed it. Then thought about dinner becuase - if i dont have dinner at proper time then I'd be hungry later, and I'm not supposed to have dinner at late hours - y?! So with that thought I was determined that I'd eat whenever I feel like otherwise y am I eating. So i drank water, ate more grams, this time for getting distracted. And went to the balcony to think about how to become less lonely. Then, instead of thinking, I just did everything to distract myself. Filled myself thoughts like "Nothing is possible...I'll never do the right thing because I never have. And Mum would feel so justified if I proved myself wrong and bad and gulity as she makes herself so upset over it..." But hello! there's no mom here now! So, after a while I came back in and went to the kitchen, took very little food as I wasnt much hungry. ANd I could actually taste what I was eating rather than zoning out.
  2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xi0qXFtmr4 Learn more from her videos about this topic. Your body communicates with you when you tried to do some stupidity. Explore it.
  3. Mmmm... The head is so heavy/light. SO much at once that I feel like addressing none of it. And after a few thoughts, and after a little time spent talking to someone, I feel totally drained!! The new things to take care of: 1. THe art of talking to oneself 2. THe art of listening to oneself Now I am listening. Now I'm not. SO, I'm going more and more into depression. Some of the things which I say to myself are getting lost in the darkness of my brain. I don't even have the courage to listen to all the words that I have to say because I'm afraid that if I listen to me, I'll do something wrong. I'm too easily convinced by myself for doing things, when it comes to taking decisions about the unknown. http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/05/11/the-fear-of-making-mistakes-and-interesting-insights-on-being-wrong/ So, 3. THe art of making mistakes to grow more THis is such a long list that it's making everything look too difficult. And also against my current nature. So, 4. When the need comes, do something which I wouldn;t do normally. Think about the opposite strategy and be calm while doing that.
  4. if i did haphhh. bida leelee could jee life. In deep die bye.amag agm dab dab,shis shilo koi bahut gijgija raha hai bomb lele ke. do do do la. bhaaaak. gadhi ladki pajito dha dhachi. gadiya bigadidilis. guliya chumaila . gujaina sakile. koi goli marke kus udaile ganiko babyyy..tumle daba. kiya re kus nahi. gub.buch,guchbuch gub gub.gubgub.lablab.gisgit.rrrrrrrr herroine kahi ki. lag ja gale.mil ja mitti me. dhakk dhakk dhakk,girl power is below standard.
  5. That was insane, whatever I said in above post... It doesn't matter to me if I'm insane, because I am not responsible for my own conditions. Why? It just looked so tempting that I can give myself a thousand reasons to convince myself that I should behave more and more irresponsibly. For example, When I wake up in the morning, someone is using the bathroom right then. The thought of a fight for the bathroom makes me to give up and sleep. I let myself feel defeated about my roommate using the bathroom more comfortably than I did. But that's something stupid to be bothered about. She yelled at me one day for using the bathroom in the early morning, and that made me feel offended! Not sure if it was offence or it was her logic. I over reacted because the way she talks it shows that she doesn't consider me as a human being. Then why am I being stupid and feeling bad over it, rather than doing the right thing Picking up fights where necessary? Yes, my roommate can be insensitive. So, what needs to be done should be done.
  6. hokushu.kosakosa..babalobolu.lalas.karikor kos kas kam kas maskal kas koi sailekai.kari ko kuskal. kari la kalpai. kam kariko kelaklaigaispali sigla glegalum. sus khus mulle bolakhluskhareembuglajetenem bham
  7. Hi Have you tried a little of gibberish? It's where you speak without bothering about the sense part. It cannot be explained. It cannot be understood. But you feel and you let steam out and you do react. But it's a harmless reaction to the feelings which you have been feeling and the thoughts that you have been juggling around..... For instance, Galili hahai..sasaleli What i felt was that "God knows what ppl will think about my post of gibberish!!!" And it came out in such a weird form that I never expected. What is hidden behind my panic and frustration? Let's see what gibberish does for me? Does it help me to produce any useful outlet for my mental stresses...And does it let me flush out the ilogical from the logical, irrelevant from the relevant...Maybe language needs a break once in a while. Maybe it corrupts our understanding at galala level. (gibberish for better flow of writing) And please don't try to understand what you wrote...because you'll ruin the magic....we want to stop judging. So if we try to understand we will mix our judgements in that. But if we just express and express, we'll just express and be the happy tribal people who are :)
  8. God!!! I want to die....without even trying to suicide or anything..At this rate it will happen. I will die slowly, while living each day with no better day than yesterday. In my head I will die ever and ever many times. Sitting on my ass, I will keep complaining why things are. And then one day, that day will never have come when everything goes according to me. That day I don't know what I will do. I'm feeling blank and emotionless. Lot of info keeps going through my brain. But mental processing doesn't happen. I'm missing some part of brain which does that. Where did I loose that part? WHich, how, what to do now? 1000 solutions came to head, but all just for the sake of helping out myself as I should....bcos "Why not? WHy am i not helping myself out?" I have heard that questions a maddening number of times. But I don't know the answer. It's useless to help myself bcos I don't know how to help myself. If I could then I would have. So... Nowadays I don't know why I do certain things. There's no time to pause or ignore or just not do things. They just have to be done. Why has it come to that? DO do do....This is why my frustrations keep mounting...bcos I want to stop doing certain things. It would really make sense to stop doing some things. I'm pushing myself unnecessarily and I can't stop that bcos "it" has jammed my multilevel system. And I let it. I don't see how i let such things happen to my self. Brain, brain...where are u brain?? smaggot of a faggot of a shaggot...ohhhh...shucks shucks shucks. I like this language. (gibberish). No one has something to advice about why my thinking or feeling is not right...or why a brain replacement surgery would be such a valid idea. Balls to them who screwed up my thoughts. If i speak like this they can't "logically" prove that I'm wrong. So I can atleast go on without needing any validation. There are some ppl in front of whom I'm even afraid to speak. Bcos it gets so messy and tiring. I need these ideas for such occasions- such as gibberish and all. Love me love me please....oh oh i don't know what i'm talking about..but yes i mean it with all my heart....love and smile u know! Man...just don't go brain dead about that foolish girl who roams around like a mahoohoo...bululoo....ooolololololo...tiiiiired...gibberishhh...smatataaa....
  9. Just type . Type all you feel...If it's full of crap also we will hear....It's all good in our ears...You need to be heard...Be with good people and speak your mind out, And get better.... ;) ;)
  10. I loved those Lord of the rings dialogues a lot :) I'm also exactly like you. Volunteering is good. I do that too. Sometimes it feels good when I watch the good results from my actions. It is like a dream come true...Though, sometimes I feel that it's making me lonely. Sometimes I just like to while away time at my best friend's place who doesn't talk much sensible things, is comical, sweet but who knows that what is my favorite food and that i'm depressed and it's alright and everything in the world just seems funny and alright. Apart from that, you should do this (this made me more self reliant since past few days):- My brother asked me to sit with my back against a wall and close/open my eyes and try to sit for 5 minutes without moving any body part, not even a millimeter or a micron. That's it... I had to struggle with my mind to do that and when I finally did that (with few mistakes), I felt like I knew what I was doing with myself atleast for 5 minutes. Then what he told me was that whenever you think of a problem, then only think about that one problem. Don't think of any other problems. One problem is enough to solve at a time. You can't fight hard if you don't fight till the end. So give it more of you. Don't cheat on yourself. So, the key is patience and perseverence also, which we lost while growing up. We were good at it once. Don't worry, it's a natural substance and you might find it back. Another thing I discovered this morning. Getting up groggy is quite common. It becomes so confusing that I force myself to remember all the crappy conclusions that I came to yesterday, in order to make some sense out of my existence right now.... Then I remembered that no, wait...not again the same crappy routine....before pushing myself into those ever delusional thoughts, let me stop thinking and feel the grogginess inside my head. Yes, it's really scary. It feels like I won't last here 2 minutes. Well, these are the problems I have kept inside me. They've been in my head from years. Since I stopped caring for my feelings and since I stopped comforting myself long back at the age of 2 or 3 or 12 or whatever...Overnight, my brain sieves my lies and brings up realities. (Just like sedimentation. You might have read it in science.) So, you might tell yourself - "No no! I m a strong guy. I'l put a strong face. Then it won't hurt"...But yeah right!! It will hurt you 13 years later. Because you're trying to fool a smart person like yourself. Who is no fool but just a little tired and exhausted. Even fine cars like Mercedes would blow their engine if you over strain them...It's OK....You can't fool yourself but try to be kind to yourself atleast. You're not in the mood to be productive or win awards and appreciation. It's OK. You want other things...like "REST"...So get it....(Listen to lazy song-bruno mars. Learn....) The good words need to pour in when you're in an upsetting situation. If no one else will do it for you, then you have to do it for yourself. We are not listening to ourself....Our inside is yelling out---"Ohoooohooo...I'm sad...I'm in pain. It's unbearable. At least listen to me...." Then why aren't we doing that small task of listening to ourself cry? It's tough no?? What do u say?
  11. Hi, Thank you!!! I came here through google by typing depression forums.. then I just went with the flow...things happened...and just look!! The world is full of people who are exactly like me..together we can use our depressed heads and become un-depressed....because who knows how to get out of depression better than a bunch of depressed ppl??? ..what say? ;) Btw
  12. HI Ejc and Azalea, Thanks for writing. It's like a band aid aid stuck to your wound..once the wound is healed, we have to get rid of the band aid very painfully.... You know right? And life is going too fast.You are faced with new questions everyday- what will you do?what will you do now(in your head)? Then you're not ready. Then thousand things go on inside your body. Strange chemical reactions and butterflies. Then what do you feel like doing? Off course going back to sleep. But you just got up. I really don't know the solution to this. But it has become like a cycle in my life. I'm already thinking a lot of bad possibilities in my head. Then if some good thing was even about to happen then I can't allow it..Let it be. We will see. We can't always have it our way.......! what say?
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