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Everything posted by dontnowat2doanymore

  1. Hi all not posted in a while, but just recently i have felt like my life isnt worth anything. As i feel like i have wasted my life, My husband is always boasting how well his life is and what great thing she has done over the years and boasts bout it to everyone we meet. but not once has he ever said anything bout my life. Im 34 years old, i have a 11 year old daughter, i started a catering business up in 2011 and obviusly due to covid we havent had much work. so just before covid in 2018 i started a buy and sell business in summer i sell kids toys and in winter i sell xmas jumpers. But not once has he said how proud or well done to me. I just feel so worthless next to him as hes worked with disney and helped make computer games when he was younger and now he builds movie props, He alwasy just boasts how great he is and u can see people look upto him, where im in background like a doormat and no one seeems to care what i do.
  2. Hi all, past month I’ve been having dreams bout my dad who died in 2016 and he says some awful stuff to me in these dreams ie your to stupid, I’m ashamed of you, your not part of this family, even stupid people pass there theory test (only done mock ones but can’t pass ), you have wasted your life (I’m 33). I don’t no why this has started happening but it’s proper getting me down. I’m currently in isolation with covid for 2nd time due out Friday day before my birthday. I just feel proper down and like I don’t even wanna try and get back up.
  3. mE 2 i had both my vaccines and booster, but feel terrified everytime i go out.
  4. My step dads ventalator got turned off today 12/1/22 . He’s organs were all shutting down and he had several infections including sepsis over past few days. My mum is taking it badly. I’m trying to stay strong to support her. My step dads wishes were no funeral just straight from hospital to be cremated then collect ashes. We just all feel numb and shocked. The hospital kept telling us over past week his oxygen levels are doing okay and coming down. He’s got few infections but he’s on strong antibiotics which are working. Even this morning the nurse rang and said he’s oxygen levels are okay. Then at 12 the doctor rang and said you need to come in as he’s body shutting down and we turning the ventilator off. My mum and sister sat with him while he drifted away.
  5. I tested positive on the 30th but wasnt to bad,im just sick of being locked up in house, My step dad tested postitive on the 19th, he lives alone. He started with covid then got sickness and diarriah, then couldnt keep anything in and couldnt shake symptoms of covid off, He said he had good days and bad days then on the 27th he started going down hill so my mum called a ambulance and he got took into hospital and they said he had something called covid pneumonia and had fluid on his lungs and a crackle at bottom. his oxgene levels were 80 when he first went in. Then 31st his oxygen levels went upto 95 and they said he was only using 5% himself all the rest was the machine. He then got a infection which they are unsure what it is. so they then started on antibiotics.Then 2nd jan we got a call saying he had a heart attack and a clot on his heart, Then today 3rd they have made desicion to put him on a ventilator to help with his breathing as his body is struggling with it all. The hospital has said theres a slim chance he may not come back of the ventilator, my step Dad is only 57 and this is first thing in his life hes ever had. Hes had flu and colds and fought them off, We are all devestated as hes a strong man usually.
  6. Hi all. Not been on in a while. Things have not been good lately. On 17th I had my booster shot and was quite unwell with dizzyness. Then on the 20th my mum got covid she’s had all 3 vaccines. Im my mums unofficially carer as she lives on her own and has other health conditions. Luckily enough she didn’t have symptoms very bad. Bit of a headache loss taste and smell. 4 days later she tested negative. Which I was happy about. But then Xmas eve my 10 year old daughter tested positive which really upset me.my daughter symptoms haven’t been to bad. Bit of a headache feeling hot and loss of smell. She’s still testing positive at the minute. Im trying not to act different towards her but she keeps wanting to cuddle me and I’m terrified to go near her. Then today 27th my husband tested positive. My anxiety levels are thro the roof. I suffer with costochondritis which is really flaring up at minute due to all the stress. I feel like locking myself in a cupboard and crying. I’m trying to be strong to look after my daughter and husband. It’s really testing my strength as all I can think bout is doing something to release the pain. Sorry to moan but I have no one else to talk to.
  7. its still so raw, i barely sleep cus i miss her so much, cant seem to focus on anythink, i wish i cud just have 1 more hug of her,
  8. A year ago my best friend missie who’s a dog. Had a stroke and we thought she wasn’t gunna pull thro but she pulled thro stronger and healthier then few months later we took her for a check up to be told she had a lot of lumps in her liver but with medication it will be ok. Everything was all ok til 14th may missie started acting strangely in the morning but sometimes she does so carried on through our day but by afternoon she was still acting really strange. So we called the vets and they said to bring her down to be checked over. On the phone the vet said this could be the end of everything your describing is correct which obviously I was distraught as missie is my best friend we did everything together. So on the drive down to the vets we sat together cuddling and crying. Got there they took her in for a examination and told us that she had got a tumour on her brain which has started to bleed. The vet said that when she looked into missies eyes they appeared empty and didn’t no what was happening. That there was nothing more they could do for her. So off she went to sleep. We wrapped her up in a blanket and bought her home. I can’t describe the pain and hurt I was feeling all the way home. Felt like some one was crushing my heart. When we got home we made a space in the garden where she used to love to run and play. We made her a special cross aswell. Since then I’ve barely slept as it seems to quiet in the house without her. I feel so numb and crushed inside. I’m totally lost without her. My partner keeps sayin we will get another dog but I really don’t want another one. I’ll never forget missie ever. She was a massive part of our family. She grew up with my 10 year old daughter who adored her aswell. I could cry constantly all the time. I keep getting massive anxiety feelings in my chest. Xx
  9. hey all, Yesterday my best friend asked me to be her maid of honour in october, i live 60 miles away from her so dont see each other very often, her other bridesmaids all live in local area so get together alot, even went on holiday. i dont have alot of money so cant travel down everytime she wants to meet, also been told i have to buy my own dress in particuliar colour, plus the hen do is in her local area. which is quite expensive area, i would have to catch coach down plus pay for food and drink all night, then get coach home. i no its not til october but ive already got a massive knot in my chest with anxiety. i dont no any one else there part from my best friend. been told i will need bout £200 for the hen do, plus dress will cost bout £50. Today my Sister passed her driving test 1st time aswell. im well proud of her, i just feel like i dont have anything good going on in my life, everyday i wake up feeling like whats the point. i cant drive, got no money, so all i do is sit in the house day after day doing nothing, i work from home but at min havent got any work on, i dont have any friends localy either, i just cant see what the point is anymore, my mood is in the gutter,
  10. thank u for ur message, means alot, im such a mess, i dont no what to do anymore. i barely sleep every night, then when i do i have nightmares bout him, and getting told hes no longer with us, i just try to throw myself into different things every day, i started a diet on 1st feb (going slowly) all i wanna do is ide under duvet and eat lots of cake,
  11. Hi all, Dont no where to start really, ive been all over the place this past year, October 2018 my brother got back in touch after 10 years of no contact Saying he wanted to move on as he has always been a trouble maker since he was bout 14 stealing,lieing,taking drugs, so he started coming up to where we live every weekend, it was ok to start with xmas 18 was ok, bit weird as he was acting shifty, then january 19 Came and all went down hill from there...... Starting with His gf contacting me to say no one had seen him for a week was he with us which he wasnt so i started worrying a bit then i put missing posters all over facebook contacting everyone i new, then my mum contacted the police to report him missing but they told her he wasnt missing he was in prison but couldnt tell us what for, So i contacted his gf to tell her where he was and not to worry, Then it all went down hill VERY QUICKLY. as we was talkin to his gf she started asking questions bout my brothers childhood ie had my dad ever broken my brothers bones (which he never did) and then a massive bomb dropped which destroyed my world, He had told his gf i Sexually abused him as a child (which is a lie). my whole life all i have done is look after him from when i was 7 my mum and dad wasnt around, my mum left and my dad basically moved out to his gfs,so Every day i would get up make sure he had breakfast, clean uniform, all his school work then take him to school and go to school myself, then after school would pick him up brig him home and make him his dinner and make him do his homework before bed, I really dont no why he would say these horrible things bout me, it cuts me up inside every day and makes me sick, All i ever did for him was help, it now turns out hes smoking heroin and weed mixed together, he self harms by burning himself, he claims benefits that he doesnt need or deserve, We havent spoken since Febuary 19, I Dont think i will ever be able to forgive him, while he was comin up he met my 9 year old daughter aswell and she grew attached to him, so she keeps asking when can i see him again, i have to keep making excuses up. He makes up lies to fit in with people as the group of friends he had before all this came out had there own problems, one of them felt that bad for the lies my brother told him he had a breakdown over it, but then when it all came out that he was lieing bout everything he said they have all turned there back on him, All the family have turned there back on him aswell, As it turns out hes also been stealing from my really poorly nan and my grandad before he died, Also his ex gf who he has a son with he used to hit her so she moved house to get away from him he then found her and went mental, so she had to go into hiding to get away from him. Since Febuary 19 he has made threats against my disabled mum that he knows where she lives and to watch her back, My mum has a cpn who comes every 2 weeks and he has had to put safeguarding on her, and police have put her down on emergecy list that if sh ever rings police will be there within 2 mins, My brother also had the cheek on his birthday 2019 to ask my mum for money after all this happened, obviosly she said no. Since Febuary 2019 me and my mum have had few dodgy phone calls and my mum got sent funeral information sent thro post to her. He has also had his best friend drive up to where we live and follow me and mum round. I have constant nightmares and struggle to focus and leave the house,
  12. Hi all. I’ve not posted in a while. I’m still all over the place. I can’t forgive my self for my dads death. I’m in such a lonely dark place. Every day I plaster a smile on my face for the world to see but inside I feel dead. I have no friends,no money,nothing really. I’m married with a child. But my husband is one of them guys that says don’t worry it willl b ok when bills are piling up. My sister had a baby today and as ALWAYS my mum has rubbed in my face bout how great she is and is perfect. My sister has always been my mums favourite. As my mum left me when I was small and my dad bought me up TIL I was 17. Then I lived in a hostel where something terrible happened. I lived with mum for a while. But she has never hid the fact my sister is her favourite and can do no wrong. Even tho couple years ago she was taking Cocain. And sleeping with 2 different men. But now the new baby is here me and my child will get pushed out again as always. I just don’t think it’s fair. I just don’t no how much longer I can put a smile on I can feel the cracks appearing. My mum also has health conditions and I take care of her every day my sister does nothing but my mum still favours her and does everything she asks.
  13. im really not coping at all, i hate myself so much, im also in finacial trouble so thats stressing me out even more, every day i think whats the point i dont wanna b here anymore, the only thing keepin me here is my daughter whos 6, but i feel like a really awful mother for thinking these thoughts, im terrified to go to doctors also, as ive been told by someone if i go and speak to a doctor they will report me to social services for being depressed and havin a child and i could risk losing my daughter, so all i do is sit at home feeling really bout myself terrified to talk to anyone.
  14. I feel really guilty for relapsing and not tellin anyone, now people see me and think im okay but inside im screaming im not okay. i feel totally numb inside.
  15. I relapsed and now I hate myself even more. I feel worthless
  16. I'm sat upstairs by myself. The only thing stopping me rite now of self harm is that I cudnt find anything . I really don't no how much longer I can cope for.
  17. Hi all, in may 2016 my dad died suddenly and im still grieving badly, Every day feels like it's getting harder and some days I feel like I can't even breath. , plus then june 2017 my friend died who was like a second father to me, so that hit me really hard aswell. it was his funeral 21st june 17 and i was a emotional wreck as it was exact same place my dads funeral was. On both funerals i had to get up and put a flower on coffin which absolutly killed me, I feel like I'm drowning and can't cope. I struggle everyday to even get out of bed. I've self harmed in past but have been 2 years clean but i did relapse once before xmas 2016. But it's getting harder to not go back to old ways. I havent got anyone i can talk to either, my hubby has just got back in touch with his son after 8 years and is now pushing me and my daughter out, Also im in alot of debt and have baliffs at my door. but my hubby expects me to find money for him and his son to go on days out, I feel SOO alone and empty all the time. i just wanna run away and never come back, but obviously i cant cus of my daughter. I also live in the countryside and have no friends round here to confide in. I jus dont no what to do anymore, Ive really come to the end and im scared and need to get back out.
  18. Thank u for all the kind posts. I've heard of a friend that if u go to docs and they prescribe anti depressants. Then social services can get involved as ur on prescribed drugs and have children. Not sure if this is true or not.
  19. Not got anyone to talk to. As I'm the strong one usually so everyone leans on me for support.
  20. My dad died on 10th April and was cremated on 11th may which was his birthday. Then was put in a graveyard on 23rd may. But I jus feel like I can't move on. Every day feels like it's getting harder and some days I feel like I can't even breath. My mums I'll aswell at moment so have to b strong for her. But I feel like I'm drowning and can't cope. I struggle everyday to even get out of bed. I've self harmed in past but have been 2 years clean. But it's getting harder to not go back to old ways. Thanks for reading ???
  21. hi all my dad died this morning suddenly, he had been poorly but nothing bad and was fine yesterday, but went to bed and was found this morning, i feel really guilty as i moved out of home at 18 and am now 28 and have hardly seen him as i moved 60 miles away, so feel realy guilty about not being there more for him. my brother blames everything on me as he stayed home with dad. i just feel soooooooooooo guilty about it and also feel like the worst child in history, my dad was only 48. Just dont no wat to do anymore, :(
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