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dontnowat2doanymore

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About dontnowat2doanymore

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  • Birthday 03/19/1988

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  1. thank u for ur message, means alot, im such a mess, i dont no what to do anymore. i barely sleep every night, then when i do i have nightmares bout him, and getting told hes no longer with us, i just try to throw myself into different things every day, i started a diet on 1st feb (going slowly) all i wanna do is ide under duvet and eat lots of cake,
  2. Hi all, Dont no where to start really, ive been all over the place this past year, October 2018 my brother got back in touch after 10 years of no contact Saying he wanted to move on as he has always been a trouble maker since he was bout 14 stealing,lieing,taking drugs, so he started coming up to where we live every weekend, it was ok to start with xmas 18 was ok, bit weird as he was acting shifty, then january 19 Came and all went down hill from there...... Starting with His gf contacting me to say no one had seen him for a week was he with us which he wasnt so i started worrying a bit then i put missing posters all over facebook contacting everyone i new, then my mum contacted the police to report him missing but they told her he wasnt missing he was in prison but couldnt tell us what for, So i contacted his gf to tell her where he was and not to worry, Then it all went down hill VERY QUICKLY. as we was talkin to his gf she started asking questions bout my brothers childhood ie had my dad ever broken my brothers bones (which he never did) and then a massive bomb dropped which destroyed my world, He had told his gf i Sexually abused him as a child (which is a lie). my whole life all i have done is look after him from when i was 7 my mum and dad wasnt around, my mum left and my dad basically moved out to his gfs,so Every day i would get up make sure he had breakfast, clean uniform, all his school work then take him to school and go to school myself, then after school would pick him up brig him home and make him his dinner and make him do his homework before bed, I really dont no why he would say these horrible things bout me, it cuts me up inside every day and makes me sick, All i ever did for him was help, it now turns out hes smoking heroin and weed mixed together, he self harms by burning himself, he claims benefits that he doesnt need or deserve, We havent spoken since Febuary 19, I Dont think i will ever be able to forgive him, while he was comin up he met my 9 year old daughter aswell and she grew attached to him, so she keeps asking when can i see him again, i have to keep making excuses up. He makes up lies to fit in with people as the group of friends he had before all this came out had there own problems, one of them felt that bad for the lies my brother told him he had a breakdown over it, but then when it all came out that he was lieing bout everything he said they have all turned there back on him, All the family have turned there back on him aswell, As it turns out hes also been stealing from my really poorly nan and my grandad before he died, Also his ex gf who he has a son with he used to hit her so she moved house to get away from him he then found her and went mental, so she had to go into hiding to get away from him. Since Febuary 19 he has made threats against my disabled mum that he knows where she lives and to watch her back, My mum has a cpn who comes every 2 weeks and he has had to put safeguarding on her, and police have put her down on emergecy list that if sh ever rings police will be there within 2 mins, My brother also had the cheek on his birthday 2019 to ask my mum for money after all this happened, obviosly she said no. Since Febuary 2019 me and my mum have had few dodgy phone calls and my mum got sent funeral information sent thro post to her. He has also had his best friend drive up to where we live and follow me and mum round. I have constant nightmares and struggle to focus and leave the house,
  3. Hi all. I’ve not posted in a while. I’m still all over the place. I can’t forgive my self for my dads death. I’m in such a lonely dark place. Every day I plaster a smile on my face for the world to see but inside I feel dead. I have no friends,no money,nothing really. I’m married with a child. But my husband is one of them guys that says don’t worry it willl b ok when bills are piling up. My sister had a baby today and as ALWAYS my mum has rubbed in my face bout how great she is and is perfect. My sister has always been my mums favourite. As my mum left me when I was small and my dad bought me up TIL I was 17. Then I lived in a hostel where something terrible happened. I lived with mum for a while. But she has never hid the fact my sister is her favourite and can do no wrong. Even tho couple years ago she was taking Cocain. And sleeping with 2 different men. But now the new baby is here me and my child will get pushed out again as always. I just don’t think it’s fair. I just don’t no how much longer I can put a smile on I can feel the cracks appearing. My mum also has health conditions and I take care of her every day my sister does nothing but my mum still favours her and does everything she asks.
  4. im really not coping at all, i hate myself so much, im also in finacial trouble so thats stressing me out even more, every day i think whats the point i dont wanna b here anymore, the only thing keepin me here is my daughter whos 6, but i feel like a really awful mother for thinking these thoughts, im terrified to go to doctors also, as ive been told by someone if i go and speak to a doctor they will report me to social services for being depressed and havin a child and i could risk losing my daughter, so all i do is sit at home feeling really bout myself terrified to talk to anyone.
  5. I feel really guilty for relapsing and not tellin anyone, now people see me and think im okay but inside im screaming im not okay. i feel totally numb inside.
  6. I relapsed and now I hate myself even more. I feel worthless 😕
  7. I'm sat upstairs by myself. The only thing stopping me rite now of self harm is that I cudnt find anything 😥. I really don't no how much longer I can cope for.
  8. Hi all, in may 2016 my dad died suddenly and im still grieving badly, Every day feels like it's getting harder and some days I feel like I can't even breath. , plus then june 2017 my friend died who was like a second father to me, so that hit me really hard aswell. it was his funeral 21st june 17 and i was a emotional wreck as it was exact same place my dads funeral was. On both funerals i had to get up and put a flower on coffin which absolutly killed me, I feel like I'm drowning and can't cope. I struggle everyday to even get out of bed. I've self harmed in past but have been 2 years clean but i did relapse once before xmas 2016. But it's getting harder to not go back to old ways. I havent got anyone i can talk to either, my hubby has just got back in touch with his son after 8 years and is now pushing me and my daughter out, Also im in alot of debt and have baliffs at my door. but my hubby expects me to find money for him and his son to go on days out, I feel SOO alone and empty all the time. i just wanna run away and never come back, but obviously i cant cus of my daughter. I also live in the countryside and have no friends round here to confide in. I jus dont no what to do anymore, Ive really come to the end and im scared and need to get back out.
  9. Thank u for all the kind posts. I've heard of a friend that if u go to docs and they prescribe anti depressants. Then social services can get involved as ur on prescribed drugs and have children. Not sure if this is true or not.
  10. Not got anyone to talk to. As I'm the strong one usually so everyone leans on me for support.
  11. My dad died on 10th April and was cremated on 11th may which was his birthday. Then was put in a graveyard on 23rd may. But I jus feel like I can't move on. Every day feels like it's getting harder and some days I feel like I can't even breath. My mums I'll aswell at moment so have to b strong for her. But I feel like I'm drowning and can't cope. I struggle everyday to even get out of bed. I've self harmed in past but have been 2 years clean. But it's getting harder to not go back to old ways. Thanks for reading ???
  12. hi all my dad died this morning suddenly, he had been poorly but nothing bad and was fine yesterday, but went to bed and was found this morning, i feel really guilty as i moved out of home at 18 and am now 28 and have hardly seen him as i moved 60 miles away, so feel realy guilty about not being there more for him. my brother blames everything on me as he stayed home with dad. i just feel soooooooooooo guilty about it and also feel like the worst child in history, my dad was only 48. Just dont no wat to do anymore, :(
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