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emmalina

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Blog Entries posted by emmalina

  1. emmalina

    Clownlike

    By emmalina,

    Sometimes when I'm really around my lowest periods I seem more witty to friends. When I am with people I'm extra gregarious and joke a lot more - generally give off more charisma. It must make it hard for them to understand how hard things really are. I don't know why I do it or how to stop. Maybe it isn't a bad thing? I mean at least by putting on the mask I am getting out... Maybe that will help me long term?
    Things really are different when I go back to being by myself and I don't think living alone does me good anymore. I've done it too long and I think it just makes me feel more "separate" from the world...
    Meh. Random halfbaked half awake thoughts.
  2. emmalina

    Some Of Where I Am

    By emmalina,

    Today I didn't manage to eat much, but I did take some vitamins and drank some Complan.
    Everything is feeling so dark, I've been really scaring myself. For ages I was in denial about things, which isn't good, but at least I could keep going.
    I was trying to recover from having a short relationship with a sociopath. They moved in and suddenly I was a prisoner in my own house. I managed to fight them away. But they way my family and some friends reacted was so hurtful. It was that which felt the most damaging, isolating. I was only trying to help a person who seemed to need help temporarily, seemed respectable and was alone. Then my compassion was turned against me. I guess nobody knows just how bad it got, but I don't feel like they should have to know. There are still things in my flat I won't touch because he touched them last. There's a room I don't go in. There's a sink full of stuff he put there so I won't use it, so I don't cook anymore. It's festering now but I can't bring myself to tackle it.
    I talked a couple of times to my mum about going to stay with my family for a couple of days. I've been really physically sick recently and now my sleep pattern is screwed, so I thought it would help. But they just don't want to know. I wish I knew what I'd done that was so wrong. I hate how I always forget that they don't really like me and keep having to feel rejected by them over and over.
    The problem is people see me as a strong, independent person. I'm the one that is always supportive, and no matter how crazy things seem to be in my life it looks like I am managing. People just don't worry. Most of the time I am sleepwalking. I'm solving other people's problems to avoid my own, with an attitude of "I'll be fine so it doesn't matter" like I am a machine that can just keep going.
    At the beginning of the year I had it all. As the year is closing, instinctively I reflect and it doesn't feel good. I'm used to feeling alone but never this powerless or clueless as to what to do.
    My atos assesment didn't go well. My last payment is on boxing day. I guess I'll have to sign on. I tried today but then realised I didn't have the information I need. Then started crying on the phone. Whoops.
    Oh and I have to write a whole story foran assigment that is in on Jan 3. I still haven't started anything. No idea what I am doing and I am way behind with the course anyway. I was so excited to be doing this but with everything that has gone on I am barely keeping my head above water.
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