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emmalina

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About emmalina

  • Birthday July 15

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    UK
  • Interests
    Art, words, music, messing around with chi. Trying not to be a douchebag. Jumping in puddles, writing bad poetry.

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  1. The Logical Song - Supertramp When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful, a miracle, it was beautiful, magical And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily, joyfully, playfully, watching me But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible, logical, responsible, practical And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable, clinical, intellectual, cynical There are times when all the world's asleep The questions run too deep for such a simple man Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned I know it sounds absurd but please tell me who I am I said now, watch what you say, now we're calling you a radical, a liberal, fanatical, criminal Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable But at night, when all the world's asleep The questions run so deep for such a simple man Won't you please (Won't you tell me), (You can tell me what) please tell me what we've learned (Can you hear me?) I know it sounds absurd, (Won't you help me) please tell me who I am, who I am, who I am, who I am But I'm thinking so logical Did you call, one two three four It's getting unbelievable
  2. Those are great links, thank you! I never even thought about churches but that's definitely something to look into. Thanks :)
  3. I'm not sure where to post this, so please move it if there's a better place. I keep getting a problem with chat, where I can't type anything into the box. Boo hiss! It lets me copy stuff into there though. Any suggestions on how to fix it would be greatly appreciated :)
  4. I miss living next to the woods and being able to find secluded outdoor spaces in nature. Watermelon poptarts! I miss how mellow and easygoing the 90s seemed.
  5. Supposedly there are places you can contact locally for free counseling sessions sometimes run by charities. I just wondered if anybody knew about this or the best places to look online? Thanks
  6. Being able to laugh at myself That kind people do exist That the constant movement and change in the world means there is always hope Warm baths
  7. I feel shaky today and isolated and very hormonal.
  8. emmalina

    Clownlike

    Sometimes when I'm really around my lowest periods I seem more witty to friends. When I am with people I'm extra gregarious and joke a lot more - generally give off more charisma. It must make it hard for them to understand how hard things really are. I don't know why I do it or how to stop. Maybe it isn't a bad thing? I mean at least by putting on the mask I am getting out... Maybe that will help me long term? Things really are different when I go back to being by myself and I don't think living alone does me good anymore. I've done it too long and I think it just makes me feel more "separate" from the world... Meh. Random halfbaked half awake thoughts.
  9. I am proud that when someone was being excessively negative with me today, and I felt my mood slide, I was able to stop the conversation and be firm about what I was willing to tolerate.
  10. The poetry anthology Being Alive. It helps me remember how beautiful and rich life really is.
  11. I kept trying to talk myself out of getting out the house today but I got there in the end and even exchanged smiles with a few strangers. :)
  12. emmalina

    Some Of Where I Am

    Today I didn't manage to eat much, but I did take some vitamins and drank some Complan. Everything is feeling so dark, I've been really scaring myself. For ages I was in denial about things, which isn't good, but at least I could keep going. I was trying to recover from having a short relationship with a sociopath. They moved in and suddenly I was a prisoner in my own house. I managed to fight them away. But they way my family and some friends reacted was so hurtful. It was that which felt the most damaging, isolating. I was only trying to help a person who seemed to need help temporarily, seemed respectable and was alone. Then my compassion was turned against me. I guess nobody knows just how bad it got, but I don't feel like they should have to know. There are still things in my flat I won't touch because he touched them last. There's a room I don't go in. There's a sink full of stuff he put there so I won't use it, so I don't cook anymore. It's festering now but I can't bring myself to tackle it. I talked a couple of times to my mum about going to stay with my family for a couple of days. I've been really physically sick recently and now my sleep pattern is screwed, so I thought it would help. But they just don't want to know. I wish I knew what I'd done that was so wrong. I hate how I always forget that they don't really like me and keep having to feel rejected by them over and over. The problem is people see me as a strong, independent person. I'm the one that is always supportive, and no matter how crazy things seem to be in my life it looks like I am managing. People just don't worry. Most of the time I am sleepwalking. I'm solving other people's problems to avoid my own, with an attitude of "I'll be fine so it doesn't matter" like I am a machine that can just keep going. At the beginning of the year I had it all. As the year is closing, instinctively I reflect and it doesn't feel good. I'm used to feeling alone but never this powerless or clueless as to what to do. My atos assesment didn't go well. My last payment is on boxing day. I guess I'll have to sign on. I tried today but then realised I didn't have the information I need. Then started crying on the phone. Whoops. Oh and I have to write a whole story foran assigment that is in on Jan 3. I still haven't started anything. No idea what I am doing and I am way behind with the course anyway. I was so excited to be doing this but with everything that has gone on I am barely keeping my head above water.
  13. Thanks guys. This place really did help before - lots of understanding and supportive people : )
  14. I don't think it equals hopeless at all. It sounds to me like he possibly meant it more to do with the way you could speak about it so clearly, without it being muddied or complicated by other issues.
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