So I'm a 41 year old male and hit a point in life where I realize that I have been suffering from depression for nearly 3 decades, and somehow it went unchecked and unnoticed.
I spent years covering it up, distracting, being angry, avoiding many responsibilities, living like a child, drinking, sex, internet....you name it.
Now I'm 41, and I feel used, tired, old, outdated, obsolete, and like life's 'chances' have passed me by. I've done some things, but nothing close to what I was capable of. I spent years chasing women and alcohol to feel at ease, but it never came. I search high and low for the answer in distractions and it never came.
So now, I am 41, and I feel like a child, in a Man's body. My negative self talk is constant, on a minute by minute basis. I just started to REALLY look at myself and realize I have had it all wrong...and I've failed immensely.
I came here from a mention in a book called "The Depression Cure", which I am trying to follow to the letter, but the negative talk is overwhelming.
I've failed a lot in life, I've hurt people along the way, I've wasted my time...my years...and I feel like any shot at redemption is a lost cause. My self image is of a piece of sh**t. My only redemption is that I am in shape and 'younger' looking and a talented musician/songwriter/composer...which doesn't help.
Never married, never kids, not a 'real' relationship with a woman in years...and 90% of any attempts ended badly.
So here I am. Trying, but empty, but willing to change EVERYTHING, because living the way I do is ******* me.
Life has humbled me greatly. I feel like I got the message. It really hurts to know and see it loud and clear.