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TheVengefulOne

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About TheVengefulOne

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  • Birthday 11/24/1994

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  1. I know I kinda pop in and out of here, and that's mostly because my depression goes in waves. If you don't see me around for a while, that's probably a good sign, rather than a bad one. I never really feel "happy," but have phases where everything becomes so much easier to manage. My last couple posts were kind of dark, though, so I felt the need to come back in order to give you guys an update on what's been going on. I'm still unemployed and receiving SSI. That hasn't changed. I hope to get off of it eventually, and that may actually be a real possibility in the near future. My grandmother recovered from her C-diff and came back home. I was extremely afraid that she would die, and that I'd have nowhere to go (I'm not on good terms with the rest of the family). She's still not 100%, and has stage 4 kidney failure (which she tells me isn't as scary or life-threatening as it sounds as long as she does what the doctor tells her to). I understand that I won't have her forever, but I'm still extremely grateful that she's recovered from the serious illness she had back in February. I actually have a girl I'm interested in! She's my friend's sister, and I've been acquainted with her for about six or seven years now, but over the past year or so, we actually started talking more and growing closer. Right now we're kind of stuck in that weird limbo between "close friends" and "boyfriend/girlfriend." Though, that's mainly because she only got out of a long-term abusive relationship a few months ago, and she needs time before she's ready to date again. That's what she says, anyway. In actuality, I'd say we're a couple in all but name. She's made it perfectly clear that she's romantically interested in me. We go on dates, cuddle on the couch, do all that cheesy sentimental junk. So I've got very high hopes for that. Overall, I'd say I'm doing far better than I was the last time I came here. I've got my good days and bad days, but I've been much more stable as of late and it's been over a month since I last attempted self-harm or anything like that. Knock on wood, but things are really looking up as of now.
  2. Okay, so like most of the country, I've come away from the election feeling much more anxious about the future. I actually voted for Trump, so I'm not really miffed about that. What I DIDN'T vote for, though, was a republican majority in Congress. I don't vote often, but when I do, I typically tend to vote for just as many democrats as I do Republicans. I prefer to have a sense of balance in Washington. Anyway, the fact that Trump got in doesn't scare me. What does scare me, however, is the fact that he got in at the same time Republicans took the legislative branch. I'm afraid because I'm at a point in my life where I'm very dependent on SSI benefits. My anxiety and depression are debilitating to the point that it's nearly impossible for me to functionally work at a part-time retail job, let along a full-time career job with real responsibilities. I'm not gonna say that I'm thinking of offing myself, because I'm not. I would never. If they were to take that money off of me, though, it would be absolutely devastating. They're proposing to tamper with Social Security, I think, but is there even a strong possibility that they can do it? They tried in 2005 with a Republican congress and President, but still couldn't. That'll happen again, right? If it doesn't, is there anything else I'd be able to do? Oh, and please no replies yelling at me for voting for Trump. I'm not a racist, homophobe, or any of that, and I'm really not in any kind of mood to deal with any political crap. You had your reasons to vote for your candidate, whomever it may have been, just like I had mine. I liked some, but not all, of his ideas and I thought "it'll be okay, he can get some stuff done, but Congress will reign him in on some of the more crazy ideas he has." Since he now effectively owns Congress, though, that becomes a lot less likely.
  3. Hello, everyone. I've got an issue with my SSI benefits that's really causing me to get anxious and panicky. I've been receiving benefits since June, and got a letter in the mail today that basically says that they want to do a phone interview to make sure they don't need to stop or adjust what I'm getting. Which is fine, I understood that they'd be doing that at some point. What worries me, though, is how part of the letter is worded. I don't have it in front of me right now, but it says something to the effect of "we've received some information which may affect your benefits." I tried calling them to clear up the issue of what exactly this information was or how it could affect my benefits, but they wouldn't tell me. I've got an idea of what it might be: When I was younger, my grandmother got some savings bonds for me, totaling about $1,200 without interest. She told me that it wouldn't matter because they weren't in my name, so when they asked me if I had any savings bonds I told them "no" and I thought I was being truthful. Apparently, though, $1,000 worth of them ARE in my name because she must have made a mistake. If this is the case, could I get in trouble for "lying" to them even though I didn't know about the bonds? And if they want to reduce my benefits, could I cash in the bonds to get rid of them (putting the money in a safe or something) to have them keep it the same? Alternatively, do they monitor your spending habits? Because if it's not the bonds, it MAY be because I haven't spent every last cent on necessities (most of it goes towards necessities, but I DO buy video games and stuff too). I'm not interested in your opinion on how ethical what we did with the bonds is. It's not illegal, so please save your criticism if that's all you have to offer. Only legitimate answers, please. This is really causing me to panic.
  4. I haven't been on here in a while, and a lot has happened. College went about as well as you'd expect it to; I was incapable of keeping up due to being preoccupied with my health, so I withdrew. I got approved for SSI, though, and am getting a rather decent amount. So at least I've got some income now. I feel like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and have been using my newfound serenity to get back to doing what I've always wanted to: writing. I've decided to try my hand at poetry recently. I'm not great at it, but it comes to me easier than I thought it would. I think I could be really good at it if I stick with it. And speaking of "weight," I've finally been able to focus on that. I'm not overweight, but I do weigh more than I'd like to. I've been working on trimming down a little, and have already managed to lose about ten pounds (in roughly a week). So, that's about it. No complaining today. Just providing an update for those who saw my previous threads.
  5. For clarification: The reason my friends can't help is because they all live in different states. I'm not too fond of in-person interaction, so I've got a circle of associates whom I communicate with over Skype. My grandmother, bless her heart, is the only one who really gets it. She's actually gone through what I'm going through now. She's who I'm living with, though once she's gone I'll have nobody reliable. At least not in my immediate area.
  6. So, I've made a couple posts on here already, but lately I think I've been getting worse. I've been feeling more and more like I don't have anywhere to turn to. I've got friends, but they aren't really able to do anything to help, even if they'd try. Everyone who's supposed to be helping is only making things worse for me, and the worst part about it is that they're doing this consciously. They're 100% aware of my situation, but they don't care. My relatives, none of whom have had any medical training of any kind, apparently know more than legitimate professionals. "Well, maybe if you got off your lazy ass and did something, you wouldn't feel like that." That's what they tell me. And it's like, what the actual ****? How can anyone say stuff like that with a straight face? All I can think of when I hear that is that one commercial with the old ladies where the one says "that's not how this works. That's not how any of this works." This has been going on for years, but it's just now gotten worse. I've always kind of struggled, but this is the first time in a long while that I've legitimately felt as though I were in a downward spiral. I started school recently (against my will), and even though it's only been a couple days, I'm already getting overwhelmed with stress and negativity. And that's with a relatively light workload, too. I can't even imagine how it's gonna be once I start getting into the more heavy stuff. I can't take it. I just can't. Compared to a lot of other people, my problems are all relatively minor, yet I find myself unable to deal with it even a little. I feel as though if I met with any sort of "real stress," as they call it, I'd probably put a bullet in my head after two days. My cousins are the family's pride and joy, and I'm just here in their shadows. I've always been in their shadows. I don't care that they're getting their own places, or going to law school, or whatever. I'M NOT THEM!! THEY DON'T HAVE THE SAME LIMITATIONS AS ME!! The worst part about it: I've got the potential to outshine them by a wide margin! In those rare moments of lucidity and stability, where I'm able to focus, I've excelled in areas where they've struggled. My problem is that I'm inhibited by a ton of problems, both internal and external. I hate it here. I hate this house; I hate my life; I HATE MY FAMILY!
  7. I worked retail for four months, and barely survived it. I've been out for almost three years and I've still not fully recovered from the damage done to my psyche. I legitimately almost died, I think.
  8. So, a while back, I wrote a long post about how I'd essentially been passive-aggressively forced into college by my aunt and uncle. From what I saw, it was pretty much unanimous that what they did was really underhanded and that I was justified in feeling angry at them. Well, for those who care, I figured that I'd provide a little update. I still believe that college isn't really the best thing for me right now. As I told my therapist: "I've got enough stress from my imaginary problems, I definitely don't need to start adding real ones." Although, my grandmother said that if I went when I felt that I was ready, I'd never get there. I disagree, but that's a fair assumption, I guess. Anyway, what have I been up to? Well, I had the placement exam the other day. I did pretty well on it. My scores weren't too impressive, though I still scored pretty high considering the fact that 1.) I completely neglected to look over the practice material beforehand, and 2.) I've not been in an academic environment in three years. Not to sound smug or anything, but I think I'm a prodigy. My grades in school never reflected that, but there's a few reasons for that which I won't get into because they aren't relevant to this particular thought. So, after completing my test, I was called over to a lady's desk so that she could talk to me about scheduling and stuff. I decided to start off small by only taking two classes to begin with. I'd told them beforehand that midday classes were ideal for me, because I often have trouble sleeping at night, thus don't get up until later. Unfortunately, the classes I wanted to take only had openings in the morning, so I decided to take them online instead. This made my aunt mad (yes, the same aunt who got me into this mess in the first place). Even though it literally doesn't matter at all, she went out of her way to let me know just how she felt. I got several pouty sighs, and an "I'm upset," plus a quiet, awkward car ride home. I don't care, though. I'm not changing it. If she doesn't like it, she can go **** herself (excuse my language). They got me to do what they wanted before because I didn't have a sufficient enough argument against them at that time. In this case, though, I don't even need one. I'm "doing something" now, so if they don't like the fact that I'm not doing it how they want me to that's their problem, not mine. I'm actually kinda glad that I made her mad. She's a very controlling person, and the fact that she was put in a position where she had no solid argument to use against me was oddly satisfying. The only reason I'm even going along with this at all is because I've got a disability case in progress and I feel that going to school would really help my case and get them to decide that I need money. All in all, though, I'm pretty optimistic about the online aspect. Not every class is offered online, and I understand that. But the fact that I'll be able to fulfill my requirements in accordance with my own schedule rather than theirs will probably save me TONS of stress. Of course, there's still gonna be stress and deadlines, but again, I get to work according to a schedule that I set. Which is good for me. I hate adhering to other peoples' schedules. Always have. So, yeah, that's pretty much the gist of what's been going on in that situation.
  9. You poor, poor dear. I took a retail job shortly after graduation. Everyone says about how easy they are, but they seem to be absolute nightmares for individuals like us. I was only there for a short time, but the strain was so great that I don't think it'd be an exaggeration to say that I almost died because of it. It took a toll on both my physical and mental well being. As for actual "advice," I'm afraid I don't have any. Sorry. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, y'know?
  10. Today's the day... I haven't gone yet, but I'll post an update and let everyone know how it goes. Wish me luck. I sure need it...
  11. Nice avatar, man. Patrick Bateman for the win!

    1. blah whatever

      blah whatever

      Yea one of my favorite movie personalities for sure!

  12. I don't really believe myself to be a loser. If anything, I think the fact that I've made it this far without ever attempting suicide or having to stay at a hospital makes me a winner, or at least as much of one as I can be while playing with the (admittedly poor) cards I've been dealt. I mostly just said that because there generally seems to be this stigma that NEET = lazy bum who's going nowhere. "I'm what most would call a loser." I just kinda try to get it out of the way, y'know? I do thank you for your words of encouragement, though. And yeah, like I said, I do believe that they ultimately have good intentions in doing this. The two main reasons I'm reacting so negatively and posted that long diatribe was because they did it in a way that I perceived as an attempt to control me (which I dislike others doing), and that they chose an extremely inappropriate time to do it. The incident with my uncle did end somewhat pleasantly, or at least as pleasantly as it could have. Basically we both just kinda calmed down and talked about everything in a more civil manner. I still don't think that now's an appropriate time for me to be doing something like this (especially if it's not of my own free will).
  13. Parents aren't in the picture. I live with a grandmother who's pretty much resigned to fate. That argument between him and myself? She was in the room for that and just kind of sat there. She isn't senile, or anything, but she doesn't usually back me up at times like these mainly because she doesn't want to deal with them any more than I do. Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad person or anything, I think she's mostly just too old to deal with this kind of stuff anymore. As for trying to get them to understand, I honestly have a better chance of sprouting wings. These are people who've even gone as far as to pull the same crap with another relative of theirs (her sister; his sister-in-law) who had cancer...just because of a disagreement between her and this relative. They're not exactly the most morally sound individuals. I've actually made plans before to get away from this family and go stay with a girlfriend, but that...fell through. That's not really relevant, though. Though, what you said about it being a recipe for failure is exactly the concerns I've had. The main reason I'd prefer to put this stuff off is because, even if by some miracle I did well enough to graduate, I probably wouldn't be able to get/keep a job in my condition, leaving me with no easy way to pay off the inevitable student loans and I'd pretty much fall into financial ruin. I'd just like to say thank you for listening and giving me your honest opinion. Side note: whenever I do eventually pursue a career, I'd like to be a writer. Was my OP well-written/engaging at all? I'm trying to build upon my storytelling skills to become a better writer. Don't take that the wrong way, everything I said was 100% fact. I was referring to the manner in which I told it, like my writing style.
  14. WARNING: Text wall ahead I'm not gonna mince words here: I'm what most would call a loser. I'm 21 years old, and a NEET. I don't really like that fact, but it's just kinda the best thing for me at the moment. I used to have a job, but couldn't really handle it because of my disorders. It was just a simple retail job that I only worked at for a short time, but the strain it put on me was so great that it ended up taking a toll both on my body and my mind. But that's a story for another day. I usually try to keep busy around the house as best as I can, by helping with chores and yard work and other things of that nature. As most of you on this forum could probably guess, it does get hard to find motivation some days, but I try to do my best and be as little of a leech as possible. I don't really have "good days" anymore, it's mostly just a sliding scale. "Emotionally dead" is my best mood and "dear God please just let me die already" is my worst. I fully understand that I'm gonna have to get a "real" job at some point, but as of right now my number one priority is getting better, something which isn't exactly a speedy process. That's enough exposition, now for the point of this post: So, the other day (I wanna say Friday, but I guess it doesn't really matter too much), I was just going about my day as usual when I was told that I was wanted on the phone. It was my aunt, asking me if I was busy on Thursday of the next week (that's this coming Thursday, as of this writing). I generally have a lot of appointments, so I truthfully told her that I didn't know. The reason she was asking was because she had made an appointment at the community college for me to take summer classes, and was going to be driving me down. Again, I understand that I am going to have to do something like this at some point, but this rubbed me the wrong way for two reasons: 1.) like I said, I want to focus on getting better before I do any of that, and 2.) she decided, in her infinite wisdom, to get everything set up before I knew anything about it, not even considering that I might not even be able to go for one reason or another. Yes, she led in with "are you going to be busy that day?" but to me, the fact that she already made the appointment showed that she wasn't really concerned with whether I was busy so much as just asking that question in order to seem polite. I don't want to deviate too much from the topic at hand, but this particular aunt is an extremely controlling and passive-aggressive individual. I'm sure that her intentions were at least somewhat good, but there's not a doubt in my mind that she was mainly doing this because someone wasn't conforming to the ideals she wanted them to conform to, and that she went about it in the way that she did in order to make it more difficult to deviate. I really didn't want to have anything to do with this, but I wasn't about to tell her no. Like I said, I am a NEET, after all. And of course, NEETs are supposed to want to stop being NEETs as soon as possible, right? It's not like any of them have stuff that they'd need to work out first, huh? So, not wanting to provoke a fight, I tried to dissuade her from this by telling her that I'd already been planning on doing that, so it wasn't necessary for her to do anything, and that I wasn't sure if I had any appointments that day or not (yeah, I know that that was probably a stupid thing to say; hindsight's 20/20, though). She pretty much said "oh, okay, well just let me know what's going on, then" and we said our goodbyes and hung up. I was a bit annoyed that she'd gone behind my back like that, but I figured that it was the end of it. It wasn't. Roughly 30/45 minutes later, her husband (my uncle, obviously) came over. I was in my room at the time, and the first thing out of his mouth when he walked through the door was "where's (my name)?" I left my room, and almost immediately he started yelling at me. It was pretty much the usual stuff "you're 21 years old and not doing anything," "what do you expect to do with your life?" "(his son; my more conventionally successful cousin) is doing this, that and the other thing, and what are you doing?" blah, blah, blah. Basically, general NEET argument stuff. Which, okay, I get that from his perspective I'm not doing anything, but one thing that's definitely not gonna change that is yelling. So, anyway, we argued back and forth for a bit and he had made up his mind that I was going on Thursday, so I guess I'm going. Not really relevant as a whole, but at one point he referred to me as "son," and I came really close to losing my temper and actually shouting at him (I'd just been talking in an aggressive tone beforehand). I'm actually kinda proud of myself for restraining myself. I'm NOT his son. Eventually, we both kinda calmed down, mainly because I wasn't really in any condition to fight with him anymore, and I figured that it'd just lead to more fighting from them anyway, which I also didn't want. So, since then I've just kind of been thinking nonstop about everything that happened. On some level, I guess I am sort of appreciative of this, but I just can't get past the fact that they pretty much accomplished it through passive aggression and browbeating. Plus, like I said, it's not really something that I should probably be doing now. I haven't had a "good day" in over a year, and if I end up going to college in this state of mind, I'll probably end up just like I did before. When I was working. Plus, there's gonna be deadlines and student loans and stuff to deal with, and I just can't see it working out very well given my current condition. Every day is stressful as it is, and that's without "grown-up" problems. I only get sleep on about half of the nights of every week because of stress. And if you've read this much (which I hope you have), the biggest question on your mind is probably "well, did you tell any of them this?" And no, I didn't. They're the types who don't really take mental illness very seriously. They have two kids, both of whom are conventionally successful because they never had to struggle with these types of problems like me (or, if they did and I don't know about it, then they were at least not severe enough to seriously inhibit them). Plus, their worldview is a bit solipsistic. They can afford something, so everyone can afford it. They didn't have to deal with mentally ill kids, so nobody is mentally ill. Like, a couple years ago, my uncle told me that I didn't have ADHD (which I've been clinically diagnosed with). His opinion apparently trumped that of the medical professionals because "I know you." That's seriously the logic he used. "I know you, you don't have ADHD." The kicker: he doesn't know me. We've never really talked extensively, and he wouldn't be able to tell you even the most basic things about me, nor I about him. Though, in fairness, I am a very private individual in real life. But the point is, I didn't bother mentioning it because it wouldn't have done any good anyway. So, anyway, I've just gotta ask: do you guys (or at least, those who took the time to read this; it wasn't supposed to be this long originally) think I'm overreacting? Like, I'm sure that there's no definite "black and white" here, but from the information I've provided, do you think I'm justified in feeling how I feel? Please be honest, and if you feel that I am overreacting, please explain your reasoning. I'm here to vent, but also to provoke a discussion.
  15. I feel like once you develop a mental illness, it stays with you until the day you die. It's a lot like alcoholism. Even if you become a teetotaler, you're still considered an alcoholic. A "recovered alcoholic" is still an alcoholic, and is still at constant risk of falling off the wagon and slipping back into their old ways. Mental illness is no different. It isn't really possible to make a full recovery from it. Even if you mostly conquer your mood disorders, it still scars you. Depression is a demon. It drains your life energy to sustain itself. You never free yourself from it, it just watches patiently in the back of your mind, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
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