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Everything posted by Ambrer

  1. Thanks for your reply. It's actually really comforting to hear something like this from a parent; despite it not actually being from my own. I have had full tests on all of my vitamins, thyroids etc when I started having small epileptic fits. These fits have now calmed down and stopped; and the doctors could find nothing wrong with any of vitamin levels and stuff - they're happy that I'm okay. I was seeing the therapist at the college I'm currently studying at (finishing up my Animal Management Diploma in order to move out and study a degree in Zoology) but they signed me off early as they figured I didn't need a therapist anymore. Since I'm leaving pretty soon, I don't want to look into a local therapist until I'm settled in at Uni. I was going to ask on my open days but parents were with me, so I'm going to have to wait until I get there in September. It is..pretty exhausting. I just don't want to get up in the morning, and yet I have to. I have missed quite a lot of classes this year because I couldn't face getting ready and pretending to socialize with people in my class. I don't want to go to work, sit there and be yelled at by customers and then my boss. The only reason why I'm still doing it is because I have been warned that I will not be getting any support from my parents while I am in University. My Grandparents did step in at that point and said they'd make sure I didn't go into my overdraft (I'll still be in debt from maintenance loans and tuition.. £9000 a year, ow. £5000 per year for accommodation,....) but I don't really want to accept their help unless I really have to, they've done so much for me as it is. I'm just feeling so alone. I don't really meet up with people anymore. Hell, I only use my voice box if I'm talking to my animals at home. I'm so sad I have to leave them while I go to University. At least parents promised to look after the Guinea Pigs, but my rabbit...she's got behavioral issues that I simply can't handle, and she has to be rehomed. It's making me feel worse as I feel like I've failed her, but...both her parents are aggressive and I've heard some rabbits just are that way. She'll be better off in a better home where she can have lots of space. At least my Guinea Pigs can stay.
  2. Hey, guys. I mean...probably a stupid question, right? I just...I'm really struggling on my own recently. Parents just laugh and tease me about my disorders (depression and social + generalized anxiety disorders), think they're not real. I started to have fits due to stress a few weeks back and every time I stumble they laugh and go, "Oh, fits again?" They just...don't care. At all. I leave this house in...101 days. But time has completely slowed down to a crawl. I don't have a social life anymore; and 99.9% of people I try and talk to ignore me for weeks on end. I just don't see the point in continuing to try and make myself move forward. Doctor put my medication higher - 45mg of Mirtazapine to take nightly. The side effects are awful. But I need to give it a couple of weeks to see if my body adapts. I don't know. I just feel helpless. And so alone. I am going to University soon, moving halfway across the UK to escape my toxic environment. I'm just so scared of going. Does it get any easier to control the symptoms? Does it ever stop enough so you can go out and live your life? Do you ever find friends? I'm 19, for goodness sake. But I just..I can't even order a coffee on my own. I feel absolutely useless and I ask myself on a daily basis how I study and keep up my cashier job. Some days I just want to hide under the checkout.
  3. Makes me feel slightly better. Thank you. Dreading the side effects as I'm usually absolutely terrible with them and you can't even get anti-sickness tablets over the counter in the UK anymore. Will take the first dose before bed tonight and see how we go.
  4. Hi guys, So been increased the amount of anxiety and depression meds up to 45mg a day. I'm upset with myself that I need a higher dose, but having a panic attack in the shops while trying to pick up the medication said what was needed to be said. The staff were lovely, though. Until now I've been taking 30mg a day, and just wondered if anyone else takes this medication and what I should expect from a higher dose? They're also part sleeping pill which is great, knocks me right out. I've also found that I still crash and go up and down frequently with these medication, but the doctor hopes that the higher dose will stabilize me further. Kinda upset, to be honest. It's a two steps forward, one back kinda battle at the moment.
  5. I really want to just hold on and hang in there until I get to where I want to be. But over the past few days, I've gotten so bad that I've started not wanting to even go to University anymore. I just feel super isolated from everyone and all I'm doing is just sitting here, in my room, staring at this stupid, tiny screen and just hoping that someone will bother to ask me how I am. It's stupid. All of my friends apart from 1 live hours away so I can't go and see them, and recently I feel like I'm just a bother to them and they only really text when they want, I usually have to start a chat off with them... I miss them so much. I can't even go to the shops to buy a box of cereal! For god's sake, nearly had a panic attack in Tesco because it was lunchtime and there was a lot of people! It's stupid. I just feel really alone. I want a hug. A mug of hot chocolate. But I just...I'm crippled by my parents and these stupid disorders and I've had enough, I hate looking at myself in the mirror as all I'm staring at is a complete mess of a girl. Who in their right mind would even look in my direction let alone talk to me? I lack social skills and I don't want to leave the house, ever. I'm just stuck.
  6. If i could get out of here, I would. But the only place I could go is my grandparents, and I don't want to tear my whole family apart by leaving now. I know that sounds bad, but I couldn't take destroying the whole family despite how bad they've been treating me. Only got until the start of September, but it's...it's getting worse. But head up and carry on, I guess? ....its so hard.
  7. Oh Chappy? Chappy is a she x3 Although at the moment I've been calling her a pain in the backside! She's just been spayed as she got really aggressive when she hit maturity. Yeah. I am really enjoying this forum as I know people at least understand what I'm feeling...
  8. I did meet with a counsellor last year...and it really, really didnt help very much. She didn't really seem engaged with my sessions at all and frankly, going to them made me feel a lot worse than I did before them. But I will look into the therapy you suggested and see if there are options nearby for me. Thank you :)
  9. Thank you all for what you've said here. I haven't really known what to say until now, so I thought I'd set my thoughts aside for a while and then come back. It's literally an upward battle, through mud, weeds, thunder and lightning at home right now. It's so strange. They're messing with my head - they keep shouting about my flaws one minute and then being all nice-nice two minutes afterwards. It's difficult to know what I'm going to get. It's also messing with my emotions and resolve; but I guess I can't let it get to me - I'm presuming it's only because I'm finally escaping their control. 12th September. That is the day I'm moving away, across the other side of the country (I live in the UK.) I'm moving 3-4 hours up North, to escape and put as much distance between me and them as possible. I'm studying a subject I love. The thought terrifies me - I'm scared I won't fit in; or my withdrawal will seriously impact on me making friends. But I got until September to worry about that. Everything has been put into place - accommodation paid (all off my own back. One thing I can be proud of...); student finance was accepted, and I've got 3 out of 5 offers. It's just the keeping going. It seems to get worse on a daily basis at the moment. They may have...locked me out of the house last night as they moved Smudge (one of my Guinea Pigs) outside...problem is; the poor girl has a broken foot and needs to be indoors for medicine and love and warmth. I decided that she wasn't staying there and put her in my bedroom instead. They didn't like it, and I was locked out for a couple of hours. I did have a key, so after a while I let myself back in.... I just didn't bother right away, was more happy sat in the car. I'm just scared as my date of leaving grows closer, their attempts to stop me from escaping are going to get worse. They've already started on the "you'll be c*** at university you can't even order at a restaurant and we'll have to pull you out within a month" taunts. But thank you. I really don't think I'm that likeable, or have a good heart. I just try to get myself up and moving most mornings, to be honest.
  10. Saw this forum and it looked great. Just wanted to say hello, really. So...Hi. ^^
  11. Hi, there. God. I don't even know why I'm writing this anymore. I thought it would help by talking to people who...share feelings like I do. I just feel so down. It's more than being down in the dumps. I'm seriously depressed, yet people in "real life" Really don't seem to care. I walk past them or try and talk to people about how I'm feeling...and it's no good. A little bit of background - 19 year old student. Currently studying Animal Management. Moving out of a toxic and abusive household in September (hooray). I've been diagnosed with severe Social Anxiety Disorder, as well as a Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Throw depression and lacking in social skills in the mix and there you have it. I've always struggled with being bullied throughout school, college it's getting a little better - anything is better than death threats, I guess. I'm rambling. Damn it. I'm sorry. I really don't know how to organize my thoughts into things that actually come out properly. Um... okay. I currently live in a household with my Mum, Step-Dad and my Half-Brother. My half brother is..the precious sunshine of the family, because he's my step-fathers son. Don't get me wrong, I call my step-dad "Dad" as he's brought me up and I've never known any different, but...I constantly battle with my Mum, with Dad more often than not taking her side. I remind my Mum of my biological father too much, and in her words: "She hates it. You walk like him, talk like him, and I hate it." It's not my fault that I do. I can't help it. My parents also like to spend most of their time shouting at me for things - they enjoy to call me crazy, stupid, miserable....I admitted to them that I was severely depressed and slightly suicidal and they turned round and was all like "You have no reason to feel that way, don't be so stupid, you've got this and that and you're just an ungrateful Biotch". Thanks. They also enjoy pointing out I've gained a bit of weight recently, thanks to my new pills I'm on to try and stabilize how long I'm getting. Most of the time I feel like I'm dirt on the bottom of their shoe. It stresses me out and physically drains me when I have to be near them - and I got so bad I started having fits, one scary time in the car while I was driving. Even though I was armed with the doctor's tests from the hospital and under strict instructions to take things steady, and I quote: "You're crazy if you think you've had a fit and so are the doctors that tested you, there's no way". Is there any surprise I've had another 2 since then? I absolutely hate living under this roof and people at college are making me feel bad - one of my classmate's mum sadly passed away and she started shouting at me - "How could you say these things about your family, at least you still have your Mum"...yeah, thanks. I feel as bad about myself as it is. I can't stand to be near them so I spend most of my time in my room. College is another problem. I try and talk to people and get drowned out most of the time, so I just sit in the corner and try to get on with assignments, but...I'm feeling more and more exhausted and I just really don't want to do anything anymore. Get out of bed, eat, sleep, homework..I just don't see the point. Getting seen by a doctor is hard enough, too. They don't take me seriously either. Most of the time she just talks over me, ups my dose, and gets me out of the office as soon as she can. Am I not serious because I happen to be a teenager, and depression is "normal"? I tried to speak to another doctor but they just referred me straight back to the first. I just feel so trapped and lost. Thanks to my disorder, I don't really leave the house anymore unless it's for work (I'm being cut off when I move out) or college. I don't really see anyone, and when I try to go somewhere my anxiety cripples me. I'm just stuck hiding in my bedroom, staring at this stupid computer screen. I just...I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't see the point. I just wish people...I wish people took me seriously. Took time out of their day to talk to me, and not call me names or that I'm crazy or I have no reason to feel this way. I wish people popped up to me and asked me how my day was, instead of me having to make the effort all the time. I just really don't see why I'm still here - I can literally vanish off the face of the Earth (I've tested it) and no one could give a single thought. I'm sorry. I know this is long. And pointless. But I just...wanted somewhere I could post this without being judged, I'm sorry.
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