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Everything posted by Ambrer

  1. Hiya. I apologise in advance for the rambling that I'm about to type. I'm just struggling so badly. I've been battling worthless feelings for months, now. I tried to keep it all under the surface. It was just like...this big, black thing in my head that would tell me I'm worthless. I'm slightly overweight, despite loosing a lot of weight I'm still not happy and that screams at me that I'm worthless as in my mind, I'm still fat. I can't hang out with my friends anymore because I'm so convinced that there's something wrong with me, I've done something to upset them (although they've said that nothing's wrong and I'm fine). Despite their assurances, I'm constantly being told that I'm worthless and I've done something to upset them, and that they'd be better off without me. Deep down; I know that it isn't true. If they didn't like me, they'd...you know, not bother. But I just can't turn these feelings off. Its taken me a long time to seek out help because every time I tried to reach out, admit to someone, anyone, that I was struggling - I'd get the feeling that I was too worthless, I didn't deserve help. I'd tried to stubly reach out for help, but I was also trying to hide it from everyone else. I finally got myself down to the doctor on Thursday. The plan at the moment is to switch me from Mirtazapine (30mg) to Citalipram (20mg). I'm in he process at the moment of weaning off the Mirtazapine before starting another. I'm in Uni, so they've also got my personal tutor involved, along with intense physiological appointments to try and...change my view of myself, I guess. Right now, I'm just feeling numb. Numb, with the occasional worthless feeling smashing through. I just sort of stay in bed at this point, I don't really talk to my housemates. I don't wanna bother them. I do try and retreat into my interests such as anime or video games. I've tried to game with my friends, but I also feel like im intruding if I ask if it's okay for me to join in, too. They say if they're online then it means just join in, but....I guess it would be nice if I did get an invite sometimes, but again, worthless feelings say it's wrong of me to even ask to play. Sorry. I'm rambling. I haven't tried to self harm myself or anything along that route, though I do feel like it would be better if I wasn't around. I just really hate myself right now and to be honest, I don't see why other people like me either. It's supposed to be me who keeps the group together by shouldering everything else, I'm supposed to be the one who just takes everything in their stride and just says it's all okay, when...it's not. Ugh. I just don't want to do anything anymore or just keep going, especially as I start my second year of my Zoology course next week. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to go into that hall and face it, not that I'm really friendly with anyone on my course anyway. I'm just not ready for all the work again, when I'm already beating myself up so much. Thanks for reading, anyway, guys. I'm sorry this probably came off as desperate and I'm sorry that it's probably difficult to follow.
  2. Hi there! Just wanted to assure you, that yes - I'm one of those ones that enjoys being single! Last year my 3 year "relationship" (I use quotation marks for a reason!) ended rather horribly - but honestly, I don't really count it as a relationship because nothing ever happened, and I was only seen and called a girlfriend by my ex when it suited him! I mean for crying out loud, we lived 3 minutes away from one another and only kissed once, not to mention he could never be bothered - we only met up once every couple of months. Since then, honestly - I have completely lost interest in getting into another relationship. To be honest, if I ever got back out into the whole dating scene (I only turn 20 in a month or so) then I'm really looking for..a best friend, rather than anything physical like that. I have absolutely no experience with a physical relationship either and I quite like being single! I've already decided that I don't want children - animals are my kids! ;) As I suffer with multiple anxiety disorders I just feel I drive people away let's be honest - I can't function as a normal human being, I don't want to bring anyone else into something that I'm battling with. It's not fair for them to see me like...this. Because while I go out there and pretend to be normal, I can't show them what goes on behind closed doors, or in my head. I really hope that your relationship works out - and if not, you can enjoy being single for a while! I just...like my space.I can go home from class and watch as much anime and eat whatever I like, and sit in my PJ's all night! But that's just me. Good luck!
  3. I'm up for that! Sadly I've been putting weight back on; but I've stabilized it out now - so it's just about keeping it off and loosing it again! I'm really into Bleach (the final chapter is next week and honestly, I'm super upset - I'm not ready to let go; this series has supported me through the really dark times...) and Attack on Titan! (Still new to that one!) I want to watch Fairy Tail and One Piece! I also watch Teen Wolf and absolutely in love with that one! With reading, I'm into fantasy mainly - Harry Potter, The Maze Runner, The Hunger Games - things like that! I'm happy to chat anytime - shoot me a message! The countdown app is super great; really helps me get through the days!
  4. I take 30mg nightly! It usually knocks me out cold! When you first start taking it, it does make you feel a little "shaky" for the first couple of weeks! I hope you feel better soon! Speaking to the doctor should help you! Just take it steady!
  5. No no, you were a big help! Thank you. I'm doing all I possibly can to keep out of her way at this point - I don't want to be involved. ...Thank you. That meant a lot. I know that I have to do what I need to do in order to live a happy life...and soon I'll be out of here. There's not much point fighting back against her in all honesty as it just makes the whole thing worse...it's like a drill sergeant. "Yes sir!" And move on.
  6. I do spend a lot of time out of the house - as much as I possibly can. I go to work to do overtime quite a lot, or I just go outside for walks. If I try and leave in the middle of one or her rages then I just end up getting a whole new one when I eventually come back inside. She does lock me out and thrash up my things, too. Thanks for the support. It's just too much to cope with at the best of times.
  7. I just...I just can't, guys. I can't do it. People who have spoken to me before know that I currently live in a mentally and verbally abusive home, with the majority of it coming from my Mother. But she's just gone absolutely insane and I just...I'm so upset because if I had another £500, I could be in my University Accommodation for the summer and get out of here by next week. Mum's been having a hard time at work lately, something about an investigation but I don't want to go into too much detail - anyway, she comes home and she's all like "I've had a bad day at work, so I have the right to be bossy and demand things from you and I may treat you like this, because I'm stressed out and it's okay". - No, it's not okay. She thinks that because things are difficult for her at work, she has the right to treat me like she does. And it's so not right on so many levels, it's unbelievable. Things got harder recently because I've refused to go on the family holiday with them this year - they're driving down to Spain from the UK for 2 weeks, and frankly, I don't want to do - so I'm not going. I don't really care if it sounds selfish, but...I don't want to go for a number of reasons, including; - I immediately get sunstroke if the temperature goes above 25 (Celsius). I would just be throwing up every 30 minutes for the whole trip and she's just shout at me for not wanting to sit on the beach in the full sun while being sick all the time, and last year all she did was drag me around in public places and shout at me for being unwell - I was forced to go into bathrooms to throw up every 30 minutes and frankly, I don't want to be shouted at for being sick. - They're camping - and she snores like anything and it's absolutely terrible. I get no sleep (it's really bad even with earplugs and headphones) and I just..don't enjoy camping. - All she will do for the entire 2 weeks is shout at me for various reasons. Most of the time, the "family holiday" is based around watching her snore by the pool or the beach (I have to stay in the shade because sunstroke), or being sat in the car for 9 hours plus while we drive around mountains so Dad and her can birdwatch. She also likes to shout at me about my weight and call me fat in front of a lot of public eyes, or just complain loudly to others about my various interests (Anime and Video Games) and mopes to anyone that will listen about how bad and unsocial I am. - Since I've told her that I don't want to come, she's been constantly making statuses on social media and talking to all her friends how horrible, selfish and disgusting daughter I am because I simply told her that I didn't want to go on holiday - like that's going to make me come?! So, quite frankly, I don't want to sit there and listen to that for 2 weeks while throwing up! I'd rather save my work holiday hours to go to Comic Con or places I enjoy instead of wasting them to listen to her call me fat or shout at me for throwing up for the entire 2 weeks. She keeps trying to guilt trip me into coming (too late now, won't have the work hours off!) and she keeps getting angrier and angrier that I won't come. Dad keeps telling me to stand my ground, as he says - I am now an adult and I have the right to not go if I don't want to. Dad doesn't even want to go - and he has to drive the 30 hours (all in one go!) as Mum refuses to drive. So things have been pretty salty because of the whole holiday thing....but the closer I get to moving out, the worse she becomes. This evening she came home in another foul mood and starts screaming for me like I'm some kind of dog! If you want to speak to me, have the respect to actually come up and talk to me instead of sitting your butt down and screeching for me like I'm some ******* animal. I have to show you the respect of coming down to talk to you while you scream at me like that, as well as whenever I want to talk to you - so respect goes both ways. After she's done screaming at me to nag about the hedgehog in the neighbors garden (they've raised the fence, how it that my fault?!) she starts accusing me of really stupid stuff, such as moving the dining room table, leaving the downstairs TV on (I'm never in there!) and just b*tching about my interests at the dinner table, encouraging Dad and my brother to rip into me and laugh in my face for the things I enjoy. At least I'm not out getting wasted and in trouble with the police! Then she complains about how I'm not eating (She keeps calling me fat, disgusting and I look like a whale) and force-feeds me burgers and apparently I can't move until I've eaten it - while calling me fat and going on about my eating habits! I throw up pretty much all my meals by this point shortly after eating them -I'm done with her ripping into me all the time. I just...I'm fed up. I just can't believe she thinks it's okay to treat me like I'm some dirt on the bottom of her shoe. I can't take the constant verbal abuse about the things that make me happy and what gives me the only light I have left, or about my weight. I just..I don't want to be here anymore, and despite my move out date approaching...I don't feel like there's any light at the end of the tunnel and I don't see the point in continuing forward. I just sit in my room, typing away at the computer, wasting out days because I'm too depressed to do much else. I need help.
  8. I'm in the exact same boat! I'm currently waiting through my last summer in an abusive household before I make my escape via going to University in September. I have a part time job (which I'm quitting in a few weeks to go to Uni!) so, to try and combat the depression, I try and work some more hours as it keeps my mind occupied and there is the added bonus of more money to go into my bank account for University. This has tended to backfire on me a tiny little bit though, due to the fact they've put me in for WAY too many hours and it's actually making me feel worse - but just take on a couple more hours here and there. Been trying to loose some weight to please my family too - and I've actually been spending a lot of time out of the house on walks since Pokemon Go came out! I'm not sure if that's your thing, but that's really helped me stay active while socializing - everywhere you look, people are doing it! I'm actually about to go out in a minute, just pulling myself together enough to shower and eat before I go. I've been playing a lot of video games and catching up with reading, too - but I completely get what you mean by the "in the moment" - I feel like that most days. Been binge watching Bleach (my absolutely favorite anime!) and fallen in love with it all over again. Just...the only advice I can give is take one day at a time. I like to have a countdown app on my phone which counts down the days, too! Always around for a chat.
  9. I recently got Pokemon Go on my mobile, and in order to "be the very best" and catch them all....I've been...ahem.... walking a minimum of 2.5 kilometers a day, just walking while playing the game! It's forced me to socialize with the "Pokestops" - places to get more items for the game with, as well as take on the Gyms. I try and get someone to come with me most of the time; but I also go out on my own. And me going outside and being social when not in work is a big deal for me.
  10. Hey there guys, you don't know how happy I was to see a thread on this medicine I'm on! I have had some success with this medication, but I wanted to talk to you guys about some side effects I've been happening; and hopefully people with more experience than me (Been taking it for about 8 months, maybe more!) can be some reassurance! I am currently taking a 30mg daily dose (I take it at night as it helps me sleep), though with my worsening SAD, GAD and I've recently developed a lot of panic attacks due to SAD and GAD, and severe depression - we were trialing a 40mg but I might ask for more 15mg so I can adjust as needed. Ever since taking this medication, I've had excessive weight gain. I've always been a skinny kid, but now I'm slightly overweight - I personally don't feel too bad about myself, except for some stretch marks (I'm using ReGen Cream to treat them and they've slowly started to fade from bright purple to brown/red). However, parents can't accept that I've put some weight on (It's mainly on my chin, stomach, thighs and waist) And they keep calling me fat, horrible, I need to work out, etc. I can't afford a Gym Membership but I'll get a free one when I go to University to help my weight loss. Cutting back on all the unhealthy food and not worrying about it is helping more than dieting, anyway. Has anyone else suffered with weight gain? If so, does anyone have any tips for getting it off? Another issue I've been having lately is sleeping. When I first started the medication, it would knock me out wonderfully and I'd sleep right through the night with absolutely no problem. If I forgot to take it one night, however, I have REALLY bad nightmares and I can't sleep at all. That scares me a little, as I'm unable to sleep without them. Recently, I've found that the medicine isn't really affecting my sleep that much - it makes me fall asleep, but I'm awake 3-4 times per night from really vivid nightmares or just waking up with an anxiety attack. I'm not sure why this is, either - it's also a worrying sign. I've also found it's not doing much for my SAD and GAD - Doing some research, I've found that it's mainly for depression use. Has anyone has success with treating SAD, GAD and anxiety attacks on them? I just feel like I'm getting worse and worse and it's so disheartening. People who I've talked to know that I am in a mentally abusive household currently, but I am leaving in 9 weeks to go to University. I'm considering trying the 40mg dose again; but I've had to bail out on it several times - it would make me so sick; I'd have to call out of work as breakdowns were a daily occurrence, and as I work in retail that simply can't happen. I'd have vomiting and other symptoms while attempting the 40mg dose, and just sleep the majority of the day - no matter what time I took it the night before. I just...I don't know. The doctor keeps blowing me from one medication to another, and because of my age (19); I think she feels that it'll "clear up on it's own" and I just don't know if she's taking me seriously, but I think that's my GAD talking.
  11. Thanks; guys. I'm just...completely worn down. I feel burnt out and I just don't know how I'm going to cope in the summer, I really don't. I'm going to have to work like every day just to escape them, haha. i just wish they'd try and understand. Instead they just use it against me and make me look like the bad guy. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Fingers crossed I'll finish college tomorrow and then catch up on my sleeping schedule.
  12. Unfortunately, despite everything I've tried, they're refusing to let me see a therapist. Instead, I need a "life coach" to knock some sense into me and get me out of the house, according to them. They don't believe I suffer from the anxiety disorders or the depression and think that I'm selfish for being depressed. Which is absolutely hysterical as the pair of them are on medication for anxiety and depression of their own! Mum is on medication to stop her being as violent and aggressive. I don't know if they care - I bet deep down they will. But... they make fun of me, a lot, in almost every conversation. It's not gentle, either. Usually it's about my weight but other times it's about my interests. They will laugh at how excited I get and tell me to stop being so stupid - but these things bring the only ray of light into my life.
  13. Unfortunately, every time that I try and say how negatively that it affects me, they instantly go "don't be so stupid!" Or "Shut up! You're too sensitive!" So sadly, they won't take anything I think seriously. I think spending a lot of time outside or in work might work...I don't know.
  14. Hi, guys. I just...really need some advice on how to get me through my last summer of living in an abusive household. I am moving out of the family home on the 12th September, to go to the other end of the country to study Zoology and therefore escape. (I'll have to come back for Christmas or Holidays, but I'll deal with that when I get to it.) I know that I haven't got too much more to go, but my parents are...abusive. It's mainly mental abuse, but they've now gone into verbal abuse to - saying about my weight (how I'm too fat); then if I don't want to eat they'll accuse me of having an eating disorder and force me to eat a burger or something...and theeeen they'll complain about how I'm too fat. My new medicine (Mirtazapine) really makes the weight stay as a main side effect. I've always been pretty skinny as a kid, but now...yeah. I'm slightly overweight but nothing too major. Trying to loose it to shut them up. They also enjoy encouraging my brother and other family members to tease me about my weight and my interest. For my age (19), I'm interested in other things than girls my age would be. Instead of drinking, relationships and being social, I'm pretty quiet, sticking to my room and video games, as well as a huge animal and anime lover. I stick to myself as most of my friends have abandoned or left me due to my SAD and GAD, as well as chronic depression - I don't want to put myself through the pain of loosing friends when they suddenly ignore and leave me. The hope is through counselling at University and being away from the abusive household, I'll start my recovery and hopefully get a little better in the social department - but I'm definitely not going clubbing, haha! I'd rather find a gaming buddy or join a gaming or anime society when I get to Uni and finding a gaming and Netflix companion! Moving up to Manchester means being closer to my best friend, and she's super excited about me being closer - we don't see each other very often and she can't wait to be able to meet! She says that I'll get sick of her, but I know that won't happen. She's more than a best friend, she's like a sister to me. Love her to bits. I just...I just wondered if any of you have any tips about coping while living here. The verbal abuse is daily. And mentally- they'll love my brother but instantly dismiss me if I try and talk to them or organize anything. Despite me age, they want to know what I'm doing at all times and I never have any privacy, as they'll storm in my room with a list of demands and I;m not allowed to eat; go to my job or do coursework until I've done them. I have small little ways of coping so far, which include writing in a journal (need to hide it real well!) and trying to keep my mind occupied, but there's only so much I can do. I have a countdown app too, but it really depresses me to see how long I've got left to go. I would move out and stay with my Grandparents until I go to university - but that will tear the whole family apart, and I don't want to be held responsible for it. My Grandma goes into surgery to have her hands rebuilt on Monday and she doesn't need anymore stresses right now. I'm just...I'm so alone.
  15. Hi there! I TOTALLY get this. Honestly, I feel this with you. As I'm not great with socializing in the outside world, I tend to hide away behind this screen and talk to people online! But I have recently been through a situation like this recently so I wanted to put in my "two cents"!. There was this boy named Connor, we'd been friends for years and he was my age. We got on great! He was there for me through the really messy break up of my ex of 3 years. As weeks and months went by we became pretty close, cuddles, you know, that kind of thing. It was nothing official but it was nearly...there, if you know what I mean. He eventually made his move by kissing me one night and I just panicked - my Social Anxiety went into overdrive and I just wasn't ready for a new relationship yet. I told him that I really wanted to try, but I just...wasn't ready. I just needed more time to get over my ex...but I did want to try. After that, he stopped talking to me completely - only texting asking for drunk lifts home. And yeah, it hurt - more so when he announced he had gotten with someone else in America. I mean, it's kinda my own fault as I pushed him away. But what I've learned from people who ignore me, both in real life and online - don't fret and sit there waiting for a message that will never come. Instead, focus on people who WILL take time out of their day to talk to you and make you feel welcome. Focus on people who won't throw you away for no reason. I really hope you feel better soon, and feel free to shoot me an IM if you ever want to talk!
  16. Perhaps you could take the lowest dose possible? I have been taking different anti-depressants (Currently on 45mg of Mirtazapine nightly) over the past couple of years, and Mirtazapine seems to really help me, as it's part sleeping pill. I also find if I forget to take it or stop; I have really horrible nightmares and can't sleep at all, as well as my social anxiety really bubbles over and takes control. I also find myself really depressed and crash hard when I'm not on them. I don't think going cold turkey (stop taking them all together) after taking them for so long might not be the best idea. Is there a way you can just "see how it goes"? With my current dose, my doctor gave me lots of 15mg tablets which I could take 30mg or 45mg as needed, as I was having a lot of trouble becoming adjusted to the 45mg dose. I'm not sure if you can do that with your current medication, but maybe speak with your doctor to have a professional opinion about reducing it down? It's good you're going down 10% each month, but it's important to be in contact with your doctor so that they can monitor your dose and how your body is handling it. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck!
  17. Welcome! Nice idea about the journal! I keep one nightly and I find it really helpful! People here are generally really nice! I hope that you'll like it here!
  18. I guess so. To be honest, to me, it really doesn't feel like I'm doing all that much. I'm just doing what's expected of me most days, when the reality is, I just want to hide away in bed or in my room and not do anything. Bad day today, I guess. Parents been down my back all day and I guess...pushed back down a few pegs.
  19. Exactly. Parents came home from a holiday last night (I didn't go as going away with them causes me major mental health relapses) and they decided they wanted to go out for dinner. Sure, but I had had an allergic reaction after accidentally consuming honey (I'm allergic) and they then decided to get mad at me because I didn't want anything to eat and made me order a burger. THEN they proceed to go on about how fat I am and how you can see how much weight I've gained in my face? Please stick around. Everyone here is lovely. I'm getting happy when I look at my little app on my phone that counts down the days - every time I see that figure tick down to another day less, or hit a milestone - I hit double digits a couple of days ago - it makes me hopeful that I will get out of here. I'm almost there - I'm just finishing up loose ends with coursework over the next 3 weeks, then I will be free for the summer. The plan is from there to work the days my parents are home, and give myself a break when they're not home. Get as much money in the account as possible - I have to quit working weekends and move my shifts to weeknights as parents want me to keep weekends clear for coming home. (Byah! I'm only going to come home to see my Guinea Pigs; I WISH I could take them! And Christmas and other holidays, because no way am I planning to come home frequently.) I might not be able to keep the job either but they're doing their best to arrange a transfer. Haha! Ever since me and my ex crashed and burned after 3 years (It was going to happen...19 and I still don't feel for anything..."physical" and turns out he was a right t*at! Never could be bothered to see me and never talked to me either, I was stupid for not seeing it quicker) and if I want a relationship I want a companion that loves video games, anime, conventions and animals as much as I do! When I graduate in 3 years time and move out, a dog is the first thing on the to-do list. That way I'd have a best friend for life. Thank you though! My SAD and GAD really affects relationships and I'm happier on my own at the moment; I need to work through my own demons before taking on anyone else and dragging them down with me. Taking it slow and steady with the dose. Will have to take tonight's dose pretty early so I don't struggle to get up again! Apart from making me slightly physically ill and really tired, I don't seem to have too many problems. Oh my goodness, no, shushhhhh! I am not a sweetheart! I do have a big heart, yes, but it often gets me into trouble as I care WAY too much. To be honest at Uni I'm just planning on finding a gaming buddy as I'm taking my consoles :P
  20. Hi! I know exactly what you mean by not fitting in! Take it from me - everyone in my class likes going out, getting drunk and just being stupid, while I'm a anime nerd, disney movie lover and spend 99.9% of the time on my coursework then Splatoon! (A great game for the Wii U if you own one!) But being here is great as you'll really begin to meet people who you can relate to, and everyone here is absolutely lovely! Make sure to stick around!
  21. Hi there! I know how you feel! I was having epileptic fits and doctors had to do loads of tests in order to find a cause for them. Whatever you do; do NOT Google your symptoms! I know that's tempting, but believe me, the last thing you want to do is trigger an anxiety attack over the results. I often distract my mind by taking up knitting (I use a knitting doll!) And I also find writing a journal really helps. I actually write mine in the form of writing to someone else - it feels like I'm talking to someone when really, I'm just talking to myself. Try and keep yourself busy so that you don't have the time to worry - and I really hope they all go well!
  22. I would help others...I want to. I just think that...my methods of self-help are non existent, and my SAD really affects how I can talk and interact with people. I'll have to give that website a read, though!
  23. It's massive! I'm so excited. I have a secret feeling that she's hoarding some house-warming (more like room warming..) supplies as well as some basic food that she's writing down to help me out when I first move in, bless her. Sadly, it's mainly the verbal and mental abuse which is a lot harder to prove it's happening *sigh* I just wish that...you know, they weren't like this. It's not enough for my parents that I'm studying and working. I do most of the housework, plus my studies and job, at the same time. If I don't meet their demands, I have to let my coursework suffer until I've finished their list of demands for me. They've actually stopped me going to work until I meet their demands, too. It's so stupid. It's things like cleaning my room, dusting + hoovering the whole house, clean out my brother's fish, tidy all the rooms...I only live in my bedroom and they sit there on their phones and watch it all.
  24. Oh, um...I'll be majoring in Zoology, hopefully, when I graduate in 3 years time. I chose Manchester because, out of all the places that did Zoology, Manchester is where my best friend lives. She's..more like my sister, actually. We usually text one another, but seeing each other face to face is pretty tough as we live 3 hours apart. I think she's more excited than me at the fact I'll be moving up there soon! Zoology is important, as I want to take my love for animals further and work with them one day. I'd love to specialize in Guinea Pigs, but then; I'd also settle for a Zoo-keeping Job. It's so tough being on my own for most of the time. I literally talk to my Guinea Pig, Smudge. Been through a lot together in the year that I've had her, and she is an amazing little piggie. She's got a deformed food and has suffered through many vet treatments and procedures, but she's always willing to purr and nuzzle herself into my neck. She just...knows. And that is why animals are better than people. (When I graduate and get my own place, a dog is at the top of the list!) I am looking forward to getting out of here. It's just focusing on getting through each day as it comes. My parents are becoming worse in terms of the mental and verbal abuse, sometimes leaking into physical abuse. Since I'm over 18 now, I can't report them to the authorities. Despite how they treat me...I don't think I could ever see them get in trouble. You could say I'm too nice for my own good.
  25. I hope you're right, I just feel totally...powerless and useless right now. Just...one day at a time. Actually, at the moment, it's more like an hour at a time. I am excited to get out of the house and start University, but...parents keep taunting me, saying they'll have to pull me out within a month. It's not helping my nerves.
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