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Ambrer

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  1. Hiya. I apologise in advance for the rambling that I'm about to type. I'm just struggling so badly. I've been battling worthless feelings for months, now. I tried to keep it all under the surface. It was just like...this big, black thing in my head that would tell me I'm worthless. I'm slightly overweight, despite loosing a lot of weight I'm still not happy and that screams at me that I'm worthless as in my mind, I'm still fat. I can't hang out with my friends anymore because I'm so convinced that there's something wrong with me, I've done something to upset them (although they've said that nothing's wrong and I'm fine). Despite their assurances, I'm constantly being told that I'm worthless and I've done something to upset them, and that they'd be better off without me. Deep down; I know that it isn't true. If they didn't like me, they'd...you know, not bother. But I just can't turn these feelings off. Its taken me a long time to seek out help because every time I tried to reach out, admit to someone, anyone, that I was struggling - I'd get the feeling that I was too worthless, I didn't deserve help. I'd tried to stubly reach out for help, but I was also trying to hide it from everyone else. I finally got myself down to the doctor on Thursday. The plan at the moment is to switch me from Mirtazapine (30mg) to Citalipram (20mg). I'm in he process at the moment of weaning off the Mirtazapine before starting another. I'm in Uni, so they've also got my personal tutor involved, along with intense physiological appointments to try and...change my view of myself, I guess. Right now, I'm just feeling numb. Numb, with the occasional worthless feeling smashing through. I just sort of stay in bed at this point, I don't really talk to my housemates. I don't wanna bother them. I do try and retreat into my interests such as anime or video games. I've tried to game with my friends, but I also feel like im intruding if I ask if it's okay for me to join in, too. They say if they're online then it means just join in, but....I guess it would be nice if I did get an invite sometimes, but again, worthless feelings say it's wrong of me to even ask to play. Sorry. I'm rambling. I haven't tried to self harm myself or anything along that route, though I do feel like it would be better if I wasn't around. I just really hate myself right now and to be honest, I don't see why other people like me either. It's supposed to be me who keeps the group together by shouldering everything else, I'm supposed to be the one who just takes everything in their stride and just says it's all okay, when...it's not. Ugh. I just don't want to do anything anymore or just keep going, especially as I start my second year of my Zoology course next week. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to go into that hall and face it, not that I'm really friendly with anyone on my course anyway. I'm just not ready for all the work again, when I'm already beating myself up so much. Thanks for reading, anyway, guys. I'm sorry this probably came off as desperate and I'm sorry that it's probably difficult to follow.
  2. Hi there! Just wanted to assure you, that yes - I'm one of those ones that enjoys being single! Last year my 3 year "relationship" (I use quotation marks for a reason!) ended rather horribly - but honestly, I don't really count it as a relationship because nothing ever happened, and I was only seen and called a girlfriend by my ex when it suited him! I mean for crying out loud, we lived 3 minutes away from one another and only kissed once, not to mention he could never be bothered - we only met up once every couple of months. Since then, honestly - I have completely lost interest in getting into another relationship. To be honest, if I ever got back out into the whole dating scene (I only turn 20 in a month or so) then I'm really looking for..a best friend, rather than anything physical like that. I have absolutely no experience with a physical relationship either and I quite like being single! I've already decided that I don't want children - animals are my kids! ;) As I suffer with multiple anxiety disorders I just feel I drive people away let's be honest - I can't function as a normal human being, I don't want to bring anyone else into something that I'm battling with. It's not fair for them to see me like...this. Because while I go out there and pretend to be normal, I can't show them what goes on behind closed doors, or in my head. I really hope that your relationship works out - and if not, you can enjoy being single for a while! I just...like my space.I can go home from class and watch as much anime and eat whatever I like, and sit in my PJ's all night! But that's just me. Good luck!
  3. I'm up for that! Sadly I've been putting weight back on; but I've stabilized it out now - so it's just about keeping it off and loosing it again! I'm really into Bleach (the final chapter is next week and honestly, I'm super upset - I'm not ready to let go; this series has supported me through the really dark times...) and Attack on Titan! (Still new to that one!) I want to watch Fairy Tail and One Piece! I also watch Teen Wolf and absolutely in love with that one! With reading, I'm into fantasy mainly - Harry Potter, The Maze Runner, The Hunger Games - things like that! I'm happy to chat anytime - shoot me a message! The countdown app is super great; really helps me get through the days!
  4. I take 30mg nightly! It usually knocks me out cold! When you first start taking it, it does make you feel a little "shaky" for the first couple of weeks! I hope you feel better soon! Speaking to the doctor should help you! Just take it steady!
  5. No no, you were a big help! Thank you. I'm doing all I possibly can to keep out of her way at this point - I don't want to be involved. ...Thank you. That meant a lot. I know that I have to do what I need to do in order to live a happy life...and soon I'll be out of here. There's not much point fighting back against her in all honesty as it just makes the whole thing worse...it's like a drill sergeant. "Yes sir!" And move on.
  6. I do spend a lot of time out of the house - as much as I possibly can. I go to work to do overtime quite a lot, or I just go outside for walks. If I try and leave in the middle of one or her rages then I just end up getting a whole new one when I eventually come back inside. She does lock me out and thrash up my things, too. Thanks for the support. It's just too much to cope with at the best of times.
  7. I just...I just can't, guys. I can't do it. People who have spoken to me before know that I currently live in a mentally and verbally abusive home, with the majority of it coming from my Mother. But she's just gone absolutely insane and I just...I'm so upset because if I had another £500, I could be in my University Accommodation for the summer and get out of here by next week. Mum's been having a hard time at work lately, something about an investigation but I don't want to go into too much detail - anyway, she comes home and she's all like "I've had a bad day at work, so I have the right to be bossy and demand things from you and I may treat you like this, because I'm stressed out and it's okay". - No, it's not okay. She thinks that because things are difficult for her at work, she has the right to treat me like she does. And it's so not right on so many levels, it's unbelievable. Things got harder recently because I've refused to go on the family holiday with them this year - they're driving down to Spain from the UK for 2 weeks, and frankly, I don't want to do - so I'm not going. I don't really care if it sounds selfish, but...I don't want to go for a number of reasons, including; - I immediately get sunstroke if the temperature goes above 25 (Celsius). I would just be throwing up every 30 minutes for the whole trip and she's just shout at me for not wanting to sit on the beach in the full sun while being sick all the time, and last year all she did was drag me around in public places and shout at me for being unwell - I was forced to go into bathrooms to throw up every 30 minutes and frankly, I don't want to be shouted at for being sick. - They're camping - and she snores like anything and it's absolutely terrible. I get no sleep (it's really bad even with earplugs and headphones) and I just..don't enjoy camping. - All she will do for the entire 2 weeks is shout at me for various reasons. Most of the time, the "family holiday" is based around watching her snore by the pool or the beach (I have to stay in the shade because sunstroke), or being sat in the car for 9 hours plus while we drive around mountains so Dad and her can birdwatch. She also likes to shout at me about my weight and call me fat in front of a lot of public eyes, or just complain loudly to others about my various interests (Anime and Video Games) and mopes to anyone that will listen about how bad and unsocial I am. - Since I've told her that I don't want to come, she's been constantly making statuses on social media and talking to all her friends how horrible, selfish and disgusting daughter I am because I simply told her that I didn't want to go on holiday - like that's going to make me come?! So, quite frankly, I don't want to sit there and listen to that for 2 weeks while throwing up! I'd rather save my work holiday hours to go to Comic Con or places I enjoy instead of wasting them to listen to her call me fat or shout at me for throwing up for the entire 2 weeks. She keeps trying to guilt trip me into coming (too late now, won't have the work hours off!) and she keeps getting angrier and angrier that I won't come. Dad keeps telling me to stand my ground, as he says - I am now an adult and I have the right to not go if I don't want to. Dad doesn't even want to go - and he has to drive the 30 hours (all in one go!) as Mum refuses to drive. So things have been pretty salty because of the whole holiday thing....but the closer I get to moving out, the worse she becomes. This evening she came home in another foul mood and starts screaming for me like I'm some kind of dog! If you want to speak to me, have the respect to actually come up and talk to me instead of sitting your butt down and screeching for me like I'm some ******* animal. I have to show you the respect of coming down to talk to you while you scream at me like that, as well as whenever I want to talk to you - so respect goes both ways. After she's done screaming at me to nag about the hedgehog in the neighbors garden (they've raised the fence, how it that my fault?!) she starts accusing me of really stupid stuff, such as moving the dining room table, leaving the downstairs TV on (I'm never in there!) and just b*tching about my interests at the dinner table, encouraging Dad and my brother to rip into me and laugh in my face for the things I enjoy. At least I'm not out getting wasted and in trouble with the police! Then she complains about how I'm not eating (She keeps calling me fat, disgusting and I look like a whale) and force-feeds me burgers and apparently I can't move until I've eaten it - while calling me fat and going on about my eating habits! I throw up pretty much all my meals by this point shortly after eating them -I'm done with her ripping into me all the time. I just...I'm fed up. I just can't believe she thinks it's okay to treat me like I'm some dirt on the bottom of her shoe. I can't take the constant verbal abuse about the things that make me happy and what gives me the only light I have left, or about my weight. I just..I don't want to be here anymore, and despite my move out date approaching...I don't feel like there's any light at the end of the tunnel and I don't see the point in continuing forward. I just sit in my room, typing away at the computer, wasting out days because I'm too depressed to do much else. I need help.
  8. I'm in the exact same boat! I'm currently waiting through my last summer in an abusive household before I make my escape via going to University in September. I have a part time job (which I'm quitting in a few weeks to go to Uni!) so, to try and combat the depression, I try and work some more hours as it keeps my mind occupied and there is the added bonus of more money to go into my bank account for University. This has tended to backfire on me a tiny little bit though, due to the fact they've put me in for WAY too many hours and it's actually making me feel worse - but just take on a couple more hours here and there. Been trying to loose some weight to please my family too - and I've actually been spending a lot of time out of the house on walks since Pokemon Go came out! I'm not sure if that's your thing, but that's really helped me stay active while socializing - everywhere you look, people are doing it! I'm actually about to go out in a minute, just pulling myself together enough to shower and eat before I go. I've been playing a lot of video games and catching up with reading, too - but I completely get what you mean by the "in the moment" - I feel like that most days. Been binge watching Bleach (my absolutely favorite anime!) and fallen in love with it all over again. Just...the only advice I can give is take one day at a time. I like to have a countdown app on my phone which counts down the days, too! Always around for a chat.
  9. I recently got Pokemon Go on my mobile, and in order to "be the very best" and catch them all....I've been...ahem.... walking a minimum of 2.5 kilometers a day, just walking while playing the game! It's forced me to socialize with the "Pokestops" - places to get more items for the game with, as well as take on the Gyms. I try and get someone to come with me most of the time; but I also go out on my own. And me going outside and being social when not in work is a big deal for me.
  10. Hey there guys, you don't know how happy I was to see a thread on this medicine I'm on! I have had some success with this medication, but I wanted to talk to you guys about some side effects I've been happening; and hopefully people with more experience than me (Been taking it for about 8 months, maybe more!) can be some reassurance! I am currently taking a 30mg daily dose (I take it at night as it helps me sleep), though with my worsening SAD, GAD and I've recently developed a lot of panic attacks due to SAD and GAD, and severe depression - we were trialing a 40mg but I might ask for more 15mg so I can adjust as needed. Ever since taking this medication, I've had excessive weight gain. I've always been a skinny kid, but now I'm slightly overweight - I personally don't feel too bad about myself, except for some stretch marks (I'm using ReGen Cream to treat them and they've slowly started to fade from bright purple to brown/red). However, parents can't accept that I've put some weight on (It's mainly on my chin, stomach, thighs and waist) And they keep calling me fat, horrible, I need to work out, etc. I can't afford a Gym Membership but I'll get a free one when I go to University to help my weight loss. Cutting back on all the unhealthy food and not worrying about it is helping more than dieting, anyway. Has anyone else suffered with weight gain? If so, does anyone have any tips for getting it off? Another issue I've been having lately is sleeping. When I first started the medication, it would knock me out wonderfully and I'd sleep right through the night with absolutely no problem. If I forgot to take it one night, however, I have REALLY bad nightmares and I can't sleep at all. That scares me a little, as I'm unable to sleep without them. Recently, I've found that the medicine isn't really affecting my sleep that much - it makes me fall asleep, but I'm awake 3-4 times per night from really vivid nightmares or just waking up with an anxiety attack. I'm not sure why this is, either - it's also a worrying sign. I've also found it's not doing much for my SAD and GAD - Doing some research, I've found that it's mainly for depression use. Has anyone has success with treating SAD, GAD and anxiety attacks on them? I just feel like I'm getting worse and worse and it's so disheartening. People who I've talked to know that I am in a mentally abusive household currently, but I am leaving in 9 weeks to go to University. I'm considering trying the 40mg dose again; but I've had to bail out on it several times - it would make me so sick; I'd have to call out of work as breakdowns were a daily occurrence, and as I work in retail that simply can't happen. I'd have vomiting and other symptoms while attempting the 40mg dose, and just sleep the majority of the day - no matter what time I took it the night before. I just...I don't know. The doctor keeps blowing me from one medication to another, and because of my age (19); I think she feels that it'll "clear up on it's own" and I just don't know if she's taking me seriously, but I think that's my GAD talking.
  11. Thanks; guys. I'm just...completely worn down. I feel burnt out and I just don't know how I'm going to cope in the summer, I really don't. I'm going to have to work like every day just to escape them, haha. i just wish they'd try and understand. Instead they just use it against me and make me look like the bad guy. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Fingers crossed I'll finish college tomorrow and then catch up on my sleeping schedule.
  12. Unfortunately, despite everything I've tried, they're refusing to let me see a therapist. Instead, I need a "life coach" to knock some sense into me and get me out of the house, according to them. They don't believe I suffer from the anxiety disorders or the depression and think that I'm selfish for being depressed. Which is absolutely hysterical as the pair of them are on medication for anxiety and depression of their own! Mum is on medication to stop her being as violent and aggressive. I don't know if they care - I bet deep down they will. But... they make fun of me, a lot, in almost every conversation. It's not gentle, either. Usually it's about my weight but other times it's about my interests. They will laugh at how excited I get and tell me to stop being so stupid - but these things bring the only ray of light into my life.
  13. Unfortunately, every time that I try and say how negatively that it affects me, they instantly go "don't be so stupid!" Or "Shut up! You're too sensitive!" So sadly, they won't take anything I think seriously. I think spending a lot of time outside or in work might work...I don't know.
  14. Hi, guys. I just...really need some advice on how to get me through my last summer of living in an abusive household. I am moving out of the family home on the 12th September, to go to the other end of the country to study Zoology and therefore escape. (I'll have to come back for Christmas or Holidays, but I'll deal with that when I get to it.) I know that I haven't got too much more to go, but my parents are...abusive. It's mainly mental abuse, but they've now gone into verbal abuse to - saying about my weight (how I'm too fat); then if I don't want to eat they'll accuse me of having an eating disorder and force me to eat a burger or something...and theeeen they'll complain about how I'm too fat. My new medicine (Mirtazapine) really makes the weight stay as a main side effect. I've always been pretty skinny as a kid, but now...yeah. I'm slightly overweight but nothing too major. Trying to loose it to shut them up. They also enjoy encouraging my brother and other family members to tease me about my weight and my interest. For my age (19), I'm interested in other things than girls my age would be. Instead of drinking, relationships and being social, I'm pretty quiet, sticking to my room and video games, as well as a huge animal and anime lover. I stick to myself as most of my friends have abandoned or left me due to my SAD and GAD, as well as chronic depression - I don't want to put myself through the pain of loosing friends when they suddenly ignore and leave me. The hope is through counselling at University and being away from the abusive household, I'll start my recovery and hopefully get a little better in the social department - but I'm definitely not going clubbing, haha! I'd rather find a gaming buddy or join a gaming or anime society when I get to Uni and finding a gaming and Netflix companion! Moving up to Manchester means being closer to my best friend, and she's super excited about me being closer - we don't see each other very often and she can't wait to be able to meet! She says that I'll get sick of her, but I know that won't happen. She's more than a best friend, she's like a sister to me. Love her to bits. I just...I just wondered if any of you have any tips about coping while living here. The verbal abuse is daily. And mentally- they'll love my brother but instantly dismiss me if I try and talk to them or organize anything. Despite me age, they want to know what I'm doing at all times and I never have any privacy, as they'll storm in my room with a list of demands and I;m not allowed to eat; go to my job or do coursework until I've done them. I have small little ways of coping so far, which include writing in a journal (need to hide it real well!) and trying to keep my mind occupied, but there's only so much I can do. I have a countdown app too, but it really depresses me to see how long I've got left to go. I would move out and stay with my Grandparents until I go to university - but that will tear the whole family apart, and I don't want to be held responsible for it. My Grandma goes into surgery to have her hands rebuilt on Monday and she doesn't need anymore stresses right now. I'm just...I'm so alone.
  15. Hi there! I TOTALLY get this. Honestly, I feel this with you. As I'm not great with socializing in the outside world, I tend to hide away behind this screen and talk to people online! But I have recently been through a situation like this recently so I wanted to put in my "two cents"!. There was this boy named Connor, we'd been friends for years and he was my age. We got on great! He was there for me through the really messy break up of my ex of 3 years. As weeks and months went by we became pretty close, cuddles, you know, that kind of thing. It was nothing official but it was nearly...there, if you know what I mean. He eventually made his move by kissing me one night and I just panicked - my Social Anxiety went into overdrive and I just wasn't ready for a new relationship yet. I told him that I really wanted to try, but I just...wasn't ready. I just needed more time to get over my ex...but I did want to try. After that, he stopped talking to me completely - only texting asking for drunk lifts home. And yeah, it hurt - more so when he announced he had gotten with someone else in America. I mean, it's kinda my own fault as I pushed him away. But what I've learned from people who ignore me, both in real life and online - don't fret and sit there waiting for a message that will never come. Instead, focus on people who WILL take time out of their day to talk to you and make you feel welcome. Focus on people who won't throw you away for no reason. I really hope you feel better soon, and feel free to shoot me an IM if you ever want to talk!
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