Sorry not a philosophical view today
Saturday night I went out catfishing a caught nothing (besides the point) but that's the only time I smoke and I smoked two cigars in 4.5 hours. I stayed out till 330 went home ate some pizza (which made me mad because I failed) watched some video on YouTube then passed out. I slept till 1030 woke up then went back to sleep then woke up again at 1245. From then on out I felt numb I did not do anything, I had some oatmeal and some juice. Watched more videos on YouTube then took an other nap. I felt numb I felt nothing all day. Then fast forward to 950 I went to lay in bed still watching YouTube videos.
In my dreams my anxieties were in full force normally they don't show themselves in my dreams but they did. My separation anxiety took fist to bat, I felt that I was all alone that no one wanted me. That no one even the people I know wanted to know me or know my name. That every where I turned people turned there back on me. Of course she was there too I saw her face and her body I watched her turn and walk away. Then second to bat was just my normal anxiety, that I am failing life, failing to do anything with it, failing to find what I want from life, failing to find someone to love me. All night I was tossing and turning I kept waking up from my dreams when they went into over load just to have it over load again and again. I woke a total of four or have times last night. I had to be up at 6 for work.
Then my dreams turned to what could have been. They focused on her and the life could have been. That life was so beautiful I felt loved and was giving my love back. Then it turned dirty seeing things that I should not see.( I am not going to say other then dirty) Then seeing the things me and her did do me and her never had sex but all the make outs ( i made her late for work because and her were making out, she wanted to leave but she kept coming back for more) and the teasing we did (damn she was good at it, she said I was better but idk). Seeing the life that could have been was beautiful and what I have always wanted. Seeing that life makes me want to cry and wish two thing happen one it never happened to begin with, and two that I would have been the one she chose in the end. Both ways hurt me, I wish I would have drank like I was planning on doing but I didn't do because then I would not remember them. I woke up from this but I woke too late I woke at the end of the dream jot the beginning.
Then my anxiety stepped up to bat again this time hitting the home run all this will and possibly sound silly. But here goes this the part I don't know what to think about. So my mind started to wonder thinking what if I was a women? How would my life be then? Would I be happier, would I still be depressed as I am? Would I hate myself more or less? Many times I have thought about this if I was a women, I feel that I would love myself more then what I do. That I would be a better looking person then I am now. My two sister look so much better then I do so I can guess what I would be like from them. It could explain why I like some of the things I like. The things I have come with about that life I like and I don't like. One outcome I would be a slut, I am talking sex addict why because I would be one now if I found someone kind of is now. Or two I would be a lesbain. Sometimes I feel that I am in the wrong body that I should have been born a women. That my life would be so much happier if I was a women.
Right now I am sitting in the corner at work hiding from everyone, I want to cry but I physically can't. I feel like I can't cry anymore that there are no more tears to be shed. If I ever ended my life that maybe I would get a second chance at it be a better person, better looking, happier, more confident, stronger person, loved more. Damn I was doing good on that front about suicide it was a few since the last time I thought about it. Why does everyone hate me? Why does no one want to know me? Why does no one want to love me? Why can't Zach ever be happy? I am sorry for sending this to you, I want to delete it all and say nothing. I hope no one finds me I want to go home but I can't and I don't leave till 4. Then when I go home I feel like no working out but how will I lose this disgusting looking body? How well I ever look better if I don't go? If I don't go today I will run even longer on the treadmill normally I run walk for anywhere from 1 to 2 hours if I don't go I will force myself to run for 3 or 4 hours nonstop. Then leg press till I can't lift anymore, then back to the treadmill for an other hour till I can't walk anymore. I was sad when I started typing this now I am mad at myself for looking like this
My anxieties are still running very high right now and I am afraid to go to sleep. I can not hide from them in my dreams. I have to be up at 6 am for work. I really don't know how much longer I can keep going like this.