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Everything posted by zdude954

  1. Gauntlet (As in infinity gauntlet)
  2. I have eaten that, it's and odd taste to describe but it's good. How about dill pickle chips and peanut butter? Or dill pickle and popcorn?
  3. I know what you mean I have been there. I would play video games so much because in that world no can hurt me, no none can bully me. If they odds are at some point I get to hurt them back. It's a perfect world were if you don't like what happened you get to try again again till you get it right, or get the outcome you want. I watched Dragonball and Z, of course I pictured myself as a one of the team. I may not win every battle but in the end we would. The quote from the avengers age of ultron, puts into real perspective. Everyone creates the thing they dread. Men of peace create engines of war, invaders create avengers. People create... smaller people? Uhh... children! It's very true quote, we're ever there is good there is evil, light darkness, but as long as there is hope there will always be a chance.
  4. I don't know if I am worried about it so much. But more I just don't really understand it. I do want to help, and when I can't help the way feel I need to then that's when it starts to hurt.
  5. So the other day I noticed something about myself I never noticed. I am drawn to women with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and other thing like that. Here's what I think is going on in my head. My mother has clinical depression to the point you know when she did not take her meds. I have seen that life for as long as I can remember I am 25 now so let's say 7?? When I started to notice that kind of stuff. My father is not depressed at all if he then damn he is good at hiding it. Well seeing my mother suffer from it must have imprinted on my brain. So now when I she women deal with that I want to be there for them and help in anyway I can. Every time I see a women suffering, it makes me want to stop everything I am doing to help. But being online like this you really can be there. I just can't be there the way I feel I need to be to truly help. So in the end it just hurts me. It's a pain I can not run from, I can not hid from, once it's started down my path. There is no turning back, there is no stopping it, there is no out running it. I just have to be ready for it the moment it comes to collect it's debt. I must withstand the brunt of its force, sometimes I will win over it's pain, but most times i will fail and i will fall to it's might.
  6. The little signal bars on your phone are not standardized, my phone and your phone in the same spot can say different signal strength.
  7. Like your laying in a crowed bed but no one is laying beside you. You are truly not alone feeling like that. I have tried to help so many people sometimes at my own finances. But when I cry help who is standing beside me reaching out no one but me. As long as you are there to help you then you will never truly fail. Need help talk it out on here post it publicly or send it to someone privately what ever helps you the most. Most of the people on here are some of the most supportive people I have seen, especially on the Internet. Hoping you find what your looking for and peace inside Z
  8. Sorry not a philosophical view today Saturday night I went out catfishing a caught nothing (besides the point) but that's the only time I smoke and I smoked two cigars in 4.5 hours. I stayed out till 330 went home ate some pizza (which made me mad because I failed) watched some video on YouTube then passed out. I slept till 1030 woke up then went back to sleep then woke up again at 1245. From then on out I felt numb I did not do anything, I had some oatmeal and some juice. Watched more videos on YouTube then took an other nap. I felt numb I felt nothing all day. Then fast forward to 950 I went to lay in bed still watching YouTube videos. In my dreams my anxieties were in full force normally they don't show themselves in my dreams but they did. My separation anxiety took fist to bat, I felt that I was all alone that no one wanted me. That no one even the people I know wanted to know me or know my name. That every where I turned people turned there back on me. Of course she was there too I saw her face and her body I watched her turn and walk away. Then second to bat was just my normal anxiety, that I am failing life, failing to do anything with it, failing to find what I want from life, failing to find someone to love me. All night I was tossing and turning I kept waking up from my dreams when they went into over load just to have it over load again and again. I woke a total of four or have times last night. I had to be up at 6 for work. Then my dreams turned to what could have been. They focused on her and the life could have been. That life was so beautiful I felt loved and was giving my love back. Then it turned dirty seeing things that I should not see.( I am not going to say other then dirty) Then seeing the things me and her did do me and her never had sex but all the make outs ( i made her late for work because and her were making out, she wanted to leave but she kept coming back for more) and the teasing we did (damn she was good at it, she said I was better but idk). Seeing the life that could have been was beautiful and what I have always wanted. Seeing that life makes me want to cry and wish two thing happen one it never happened to begin with, and two that I would have been the one she chose in the end. Both ways hurt me, I wish I would have drank like I was planning on doing but I didn't do because then I would not remember them. I woke up from this but I woke too late I woke at the end of the dream jot the beginning. Then my anxiety stepped up to bat again this time hitting the home run all this will and possibly sound silly. But here goes this the part I don't know what to think about. So my mind started to wonder thinking what if I was a women? How would my life be then? Would I be happier, would I still be depressed as I am? Would I hate myself more or less? Many times I have thought about this if I was a women, I feel that I would love myself more then what I do. That I would be a better looking person then I am now. My two sister look so much better then I do so I can guess what I would be like from them. It could explain why I like some of the things I like. The things I have come with about that life I like and I don't like. One outcome I would be a slut, I am talking sex addict why because I would be one now if I found someone kind of is now. Or two I would be a lesbain. Sometimes I feel that I am in the wrong body that I should have been born a women. That my life would be so much happier if I was a women. Right now I am sitting in the corner at work hiding from everyone, I want to cry but I physically can't. I feel like I can't cry anymore that there are no more tears to be shed. If I ever ended my life that maybe I would get a second chance at it be a better person, better looking, happier, more confident, stronger person, loved more. Damn I was doing good on that front about suicide it was a few since the last time I thought about it. Why does everyone hate me? Why does no one want to know me? Why does no one want to love me? Why can't Zach ever be happy? I am sorry for sending this to you, I want to delete it all and say nothing. I hope no one finds me I want to go home but I can't and I don't leave till 4. Then when I go home I feel like no working out but how will I lose this disgusting looking body? How well I ever look better if I don't go? If I don't go today I will run even longer on the treadmill normally I run walk for anywhere from 1 to 2 hours if I don't go I will force myself to run for 3 or 4 hours nonstop. Then leg press till I can't lift anymore, then back to the treadmill for an other hour till I can't walk anymore. I was sad when I started typing this now I am mad at myself for looking like this My anxieties are still running very high right now and I am afraid to go to sleep. I can not hide from them in my dreams. I have to be up at 6 am for work. I really don't know how much longer I can keep going like this.
  9. Well this is not the first time I have done this. I have done it a few time now feel with deeper bigger cuts and watched the blood just run from the cut. I have never really thought about fluid dynamics before.
  10. Today at work I cut myself on accident not on purpose, I want to make it very clear I did not mean to do it. The cut is not very bad it's just a little cut but it is deep enough to bleed. So instead of getting anything to put on it I watched it bleed. I watched it for about 5 minutes, almost playing with. Seeing it drip, watching it pool up, then watching it run a little before doing anything about it I was almost transfixed by the sight of it. I know I am messed up in the head, I could never explain what's going on up there, but I just wanted to see if it's a new crazy or I am not alone.
  11. 94 temp 86 humidity Mow Grass ( I am back)
  12. In Alaska it is illegal to see a moose from an airplane, so if you do see one you better not say anything.
  13. Rise and roll donuts. Nicknamed Amish Crack. Baked fresh, glazed and then covered in powder sugar with cinnamon.
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