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zdude954

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Everything posted by zdude954

  1. I have been given some very hard truths the other day. The person is right she has (for the sake of this) always been right. She has been like a crowbar slowly prying my eyes open. By opening my eyes more she is getting me to see I was right I am being a horrible person and I need to change I need to do something. If I don't then who knows what will happen, where I will be, or what I will be. Song quote, I'm hard to love, hard to love, No, I don't make it easy, I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood. By me being what I am being it's true, who would want to be with me? Let alone say they even know me. So to those people that say they know me and on here there are few, I need to say Thank you. I am sorry, I need to be and do better for myself for you and for everyone else. I know change does not come over night, but damn it I sure am going to go for it. I don't know where to start or what to start with so I am just going to start. I need to make my ups at least match my downs or be ahead of them. The good needs to out weight the bad. But where there is good there is evil, people of peace create engines of war, for where there is light there will always be darkness. But for as long as there is a balance between the two there will be stability and peacefulness.
  2. Today I feel so alone, unwanted, unloved, unneeded. I feel like crying myself to sleep, but all that does is make my eyes hurt. It feels like my whole life has been leading with the wrong foot. Every choice I have made has been the wrong one that I should have done something different. I am barely in function broke. I don't make enough money to have a place of my own, and now I have to buy a new to me vehicle. The vehicles I have owned have been horrible unsafe to drive. But I have to because I can't afford to get a nicer car to drive. So my vehicle braking, well it blows every plan out of the water. I was hoping to go back to school but now even if i wanted to i can't any more. The question I ask now is, what's the point? I.... I can't go get help even if I wanted too. Even if I did I would be to lazy to see them on a regular basis. I am a lazy good for nothing person. Everything I start I stop and give up. I don't want to do anything. To tell the truth I really don't even take care of myself, I do but I don't. Be tell me your not lazy you have a full time job so you can't be lazy. Well I don't want to be there, I hate getting up and going, when I come home I take a shower and lay in bed. I eat food, not healthy for good for me food just food. I have a gym membership but I don't go, I think about going but then I just say what's the point. I hat who I am, I hate what I am, I hate what I have done, I hate myself for not doing the things I should have done. I look in the mirror and I see a monster, an ugly, fat, stupid monster. People try to tell me I am not any of those things, that I am cuter then what I think I am. Well it takes just about every fiber of my being to not call them I lier, and sadly I have. People say that I am a good person that I am a great person to know that I do a lot of good. But I just see it as being nice that I don't want anyone else to feel worthless, because I know how that feels to wake up and cry because no one cares about you. I have woken up to many times crying or cried myself to sleep. I hate crying now because it's starting to hurt physically now, not just emotionally. I ask, if everyone tells me that I am better then what I think, that I am cuter then think, then why did my life turn out this way. I read so many guys on here and people I knew/know, that all they want is someone to love. Then you see all the women that just want to find someone who's not a jerk, and a womanizer. Well clearly no one looking hard enough. Because both sides want the same thing. My biggest fear is dieing unloved, but at the sametime it's problem I don't want to continue because no one loves me. All it does is make my head spine and my heart hurt. That's all I want so be loved and give my heart to someone but no one seems to want it. All the women that have come and gone have just used it, we'll now it's getting to the point where I am stitching stitches back together, like a child's stuffed toy. I don't want to continue anymore but at the sametime I don't want to die either. I feel like I am stuck in limbo.So to anyone who made it this far thanks, I guess. Zdude954 Aka, Zach
  3. I feel for you and your story you tell. (I am going to make a big skip because it will be the same story that the two other people have told) I have grown seeing my parents get into arguments from time to time but they are still married 25 years now. I have two sets of grandparents that have been married for over 50 years now. I am not in anyway saying that is was perfect everyday because it probably was not. But all of them still hold hands in public (to see two 80 year adults hold hands that's a sight), my grandpa gives grandma a kiss goodnight and a kiss goodbye. So I have grown up seeing that stuff my whole life, so to me that stuff is normal. Dad opens doors for mom not every time but most. So what I saw was my role model, and it shows I open doors and hold doors open for random people on the street. What he did was wrong on every level and is unacceptable. You shouldn't have been treated like that no one should ever be treated like that. I hope you don't just lump every guy you see as one of the bad ones, that his only goal is to sleep with you use you then toss you a side. Like teddy545 when you grow up being told this and that, then a few bad guys come into your life it is easy to see yeah that person was right. If it was then I would not be able to trust women then, because I have been used by a few women in the past. But I don't stop looking (it has now turned into personal issues but that's a different story) for that women I want to come home too. I ask you don't stop get better or start down that path and find that guy who is what your looking for.
  4. How are you doing?

    1. sittinginadarkroom

      sittinginadarkroom

      I am recovering from a concussion I sustained in a car accident on Dec 13. Other than that, I am very depressed because I lost my home and my dog. I am currently living with my best friend, but everything still feels like such a blur. If I were to cry, I would probably lose half my body weight in tears, which wouldn't be a bad thing. Becuase I am living with her now, I am not allowed to lose any weight past 100lbs. It has been chickening me on the inside but I am trying to fight it with all the skills I learned in therapy. Thank you for caring Zdude954. Your compassion gave me hope and for that I am eternally grateful. How are you? I hope you are well and enjoying the holidays. Thank you!!!

    2. zdude954

      zdude954

      I am glad to see you made it past your two month plan. I was checking every once and a while to see if you had gotten one, but then I still had no way of knowing if you where going to make it or not. It's good to hear that your ok coming out of the car crash. I hope that the therapy is helping you deal with your pains. Don't listen to the scale when you see that number anyway it lieing to you. What it says has nothing to with how pretty you are. I am glad to hear that your living with a friend that seems to care about you. I am sorry about your house and your puppy.

      How am I? Well the easy way to put it is I want to be dead. I still hate myself very very much, nothing I have done helped with anything it made somethings worse. I am not going to therapy of any kind nor will I, no doctors, no one will a medical license of any kind. I did have a good holiday it is/was very short. Now that it is over with I still don't want to continue into the next year.

  5. Well I have turned down from a few jobs I have applied too now. It is making me think I need to give up on my whole plan. I am feeling very down about the whole Idea, but now my parents have been telling other family members about it and very one says that they are proud of me. But none of that brings me any comfort. I was not doing it for them I was doing it for myself.
  6. What do you mean some people work on Saturday's.
  7. It is 6:47 am and it's already above 70 degrees, why?
  8. I can agree with pizza it's always good, how it's made may not be the best. Steak and eggs I could eat that every morning for breakfast.
  9. I hate my Internet service. That's all I have to say. Thank you and good________. (Enter when you read this there)
  10. If I turn left/right three times I will have gone right/left. If anyone say you can't get anywhere only making right/left they are wrong. It will just take you all day to get anywhere. Who ever layer the tile in my restroom did a horrible job of it. All the grout lines are uneven, the tiles themselves are not all level. I have only done tile maybe a handful of times but I am pretty sure I could do a better job of it.
  11. This song almost seems fitting to say here because we all are. Police message in a bottle.
  12. So tomorrow I am going to turn in my application to a company I would not mind working for. The job I want to do is welding. But I not only do I have to turn in my app but I will also have to weld for them. I have welded before so it's not like I have never done it. But I am so scared that if I don't do good enough, that means I have to go back to a job I don't like and is not doing me any good. I can not keep working where I am at, the place is poorly managed and they do not treat you with the respect you deserve to have. I really need to get this job, if nothing else to just be making more money. I need a new vehicle or at the very least a new to me vehicle. So if anyone reads this between now and the time I have to go in tomorrow, any advice will be much appreciated. Thank you
  13. Every hate group must register there group, well I found the best hate group ever. It's called general hate, they hate everyone they don't care what your background is they hate you.
  14. Two cans of mountain dew. The official drink of champions.
  15. V: Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villian by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. (he carves a "V" into a sign) The only verdict is vengence; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.(giggles) Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V. Evey: Are you like a crazy person? V: I'm quite sure they will say so. V for vendetta (I guess it's more of a monologue)
  16. Who wants a mustache ride? Super troopers Thorny
  17. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. Rhett Butler, (Clark Gabriel) Gone with the wind.
  18. You went full ******, man. Never go full ******. Tropic thunder
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