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Everything posted by zdude954

  1. zdude954

    bad day

    Thank you to everyone that was concerned about me Thankyou.
  2. This will make all the GM fans made at me, but the original reason Nascar put restrictor plates on the cars was not because of driver safety it was because GM could not keep up with Ford and Chrysler. So in order to even them all out they slowed the other two companies. They do it now for driver safety.
  3. zdude954

    bad day

    Well to put it simply I feel broken, I feel like I am missing pieces of myself. I do not know what part or parts of me are broken and or gone but nothing feels right. I have eaten some but not three meals like two and a little snack. But my insides still feel funny uneasy.
  4. zdude954

    bad day

    I was very intoxicated last night. It's the most I have been since I tried to die. I woke up still drunk, I threw up multiple times in a hour to the point it hurt as I was crying. I have not eaten much today. But I think I am done drinking like that again, I might have a few at a meal.
  5. He is in so many movies that the average person will never know that's him. Andy is the mocap king.
  6. Is that who it is. I like the actor that plays him, over the years he is becoming more and more my favorite. Andy Serkis has played more people then anyone will ever know.
  7. I just want to thank all 1001 for taking the time to read this stuff. Yeah some of you maybe repeat reads. But to see the numbers keep climbing it makes me feel good that some people actually are taking the time to read this stuff. It maybe nothing to you but it's something to me. So thank you to everyone who's been reading this stuff.
  8. So my brain is always running it's always thinking. So it's a good thing and it's a bad thing all at the same time. Because it's always thinking can figure things out pretty quickly, I see the problem or the issue and my brain instantly start trying to figure out ways around the issue or the correct way to fix it. It's a bad thing because it never stops running, being in your head that much is not a good thing. I will see something and I am trying to figure out how it was built or how I would built it, it always looking for something. I play video games everything from minecraft to gears of war, so the range of what I play is vast. They do a good job of keeping it calmer because in a second everything can change and I need to adapt and move on. Drinking also does a good job at slowing it down to the point people say I am a different person when I am drunk, normal me is a good person but drunk me is better. To be truthful I would not know because to me it's like a switch being flipped on or off I will remember having a few drinks but that will be it. (This is leading somewhere I promise) So today at work I was thinking I know a lot of my problems come from two main sources, one being the lack of love in my life and the second of self-confidence issues. So my brain did what it normally does started to tackle the problem. Well it stopped when it saw the correction but it's not a simple thing. The two go hand and hand, they are intertwined with each other. My brain stopped when it could not come with how to fix it. To fix the lack of love in my life means finding someone to love but then the self-confidence issues push forward and stop me from fixing the the first problem. But to fix the self-confidence issues is not as easy as it sounds, well not for me anyway. Because when I see myself in a mirror or my reflection it makes me cringe, so if it makes me not like myself why would anyone else like me? As far as me brain can figure even if I did find someone who does like me I will always not be good for them. That they deserve better then me. Many people have told me the guy inside is a great person, if that's true it's masked by what I see. The two images will never align.
  9. No real change nothing to really wright about this week. I have not changed anything still doing the same things I have been doing. Which in some regards that's ok because that means I am not going backwards but then I also feel like I am not moving forwards either. I am just sitting stagnant when something needs to be moving something needs to be changing. Arogon said, Open war is upon you weather you would risk it or not. This what it is like, other people wanting better for me but do I dear risk it. At what point is enough, enough. People saying do this and try that, how do they know what is right for me when I don't know what right for me. I live and have lived my life one day at a time, letting the river take me where ever it wants too. To have things planned more then a day out, is just something I simply just do not do. When I thought about going to school again I was ready that moment to get enrolled and start then come to find out I would have to wait for that then I gave up on that idea. When I do get an idea in my head my mind set goes straight into let do this and then let's get it down and get it done now. If it has to wait for something or someone I give up on it and move on. It can just take me so long to get motivated to do something that when it does not happen when I want it to happen I give up.
  10. So I am lazy plan and simple. I want a new life but I guess inside I really don't want it. Because if I did then I would be doing more or for that fact something about it. Like four weeks ago I thought I had it all planned out I interviewed for a company making a lot more money they would have even payed for schooling and everything. But that fell threw I never heard from them I did not get the job. After that I lost everything, I gave up trying. I went back to the job I hate (I don't hate the work just the place), I gave up on the idea of going to school. The school keeps calling me and sending me emails and signing up, but now there is now way to pay for it. I have to get a new to me vehicle before I could ever go to school. At this point schooling would be a luxury that I couldn't afford. It's just a horrible cycle and when I get the strength to brake it something happens then I give up trying. All it does is make me hate my life. I look around and see people my own age so much farther ahead of me, then I look at my life and it makes me hate myself. Yeah the grass is always greener on the other, it not always true but at face value it sure is. Yesterday on my way to work I made myself sad with out even trying too. I starting thinking at I am alone, and unwanted. I am really tired of it but the more I try to fix that the more depressed it makes me. One of my greatest fears is living and dieing alone having no one to have spent my life with. At one point I had over four different dating profiles sent an untold amount of money, just to see no one. Nothing came from any of those not a single date, not even a conversation with someone. It's not even like I set my standards high, or set the range close to me. I set the range over 200 miles and said was will to drive to them. After half to three fourths of a year I deleted all of them. That day I cried myself to sleep, that was the day I gave up. Being all alone makes me more depressed, I know some people can't understand the why and to be honest neither do I. It's just a uncontrollable feeling I get inside, to the point I don't like seeing couples together in public. A few years ago I told myself if I was still alone at the age of 50 it's done and over with. When I think about it right now I feel very sad and I don't like what I see. I can't see how anyone is okay with spending there life alone, it makes me want to cry.
  11. I feel like what is now holding me back is my job. I need to change my job but that can be easier said then done. I no longer enjoy it, I use to when some people I knew worked here but now that they are gone the joy is gone. I really did not see them that much but knowing they were here made it more enjoyable. Right now I am living pretty cheaply, but I need a new or new to me vehicle. I would not mind going back to school. I would have to find a part time job then so I could go to school and work, or I guess online classes. But I need to change that soon, the more I think about it the more it makes sense. I don't need to make 100k pluse to be happy, it's just means I get to live better. I don't know what I want to do I do know what I don't want to do I guess that's a start right? While that's going on work on the physical me. Then when we get that stuff is squared away then work on the living conditions that's I think. Then maybe someone to love, so that way my heart can stop hurting so much. There are two muffins in the oven one looks over at the other and says it's hot in here, the other muffin goes wow a talking muffin.
  12. Why do I have to go to work? Cat I sleep a little longer?
  13. Thank you for saying those nice things. When saying weak I was more or less saying about the entire it's self. I hope you and everyone else likes the joke.
  14. I have differently plateaued. Which in my eye's is a good for bad things. It's good because that means I have improved from where I was, but now I am not getting better right now. When I started this it was a sudden change maybe it's time for a second one now. I am still looking that gym membership, I hope it still active. I am not sure what to change but something needs to now not in a week not in two weeks but in the next day or two I will have something to wright about. I feel this blog is weak so I will it with a joke. What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's heavy and the other is a little lighter. Hahahahahaha
  15. What's the point? The point is to get out and off your chest. It's to try and make yourself feel better. I know all to well about dead end jobs every job I have had is a dead end I have worked retail and food service so tell me about. I did not hate the job just that I was not making enough money to live. Everyone looses friends after high school. You move, they move, you grow up the list keeps going on and on. I have friends that I still talk too but he is about to move over 300 miles away, and one that is no longer in the country. But if I saw then tomorrow I would still call them friend. It's your call weather or not to call them friend or not.
  16. Hi foxxx, did you you know we have a squirrel? This place is pretty safe I think you will find what your looking for in that aspect. This there really a "bad" intro, it's all in what you feel comfortable with. The first day is a lot like the first day at school, your nervous because there are so many different people so you do more reading then talking but as you find yourself getting more and more comfortable you will open up more. I am looking for to seeing you around, I like you fox photo.
  17. At what point is a friend who is trying to help you actually doing more harm then good? Are there signs and warnings to watch out for, or is it just based off how you feel towards that given person? Then how does one go about correcting it? Should it be a sit down and talk it out or should it be more of a this is done and over with kind of thing.
  18. I feel like I have plateaued. I do believe that some if not a lot of my problems came from vitamin deficiency. I as not born 100 percent mentally stable so I am not expecting to be at 100, but I would like to be back to at least where a was. I know there will be things I will not be able to change about myself, so I either need to except those things and embrace them or just move on and deal with it. The physical from of me the person everyone see's that will be the next thing I work on and that will take a lot of time and some money to change. I will look into seeing if my gym membership is still active I believe it still but I will need to look. I will start working out and trying to loose weight. I have changed my mind I don't need to have the 6 pack of abs, but I do want a flat chest. I want to able to not wear a shirt to the beach or just being outside. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. In the process of changing that I hope that the person I see changes too. I know there will be somethings I will be able to change but that will mean paying money to go see someone about them. Like all my acne scars there is now a lazer treatment that you can get it, I really don't know how it works but the before and afters are amazing. That will be something I look into maybe next year the holidays are coming so I need to save money not spend it on myself. A big help is having a couple of friends that have stayed close, they know who they are. Some have played a bigger role then they will truly know. If one of them could only see it for themselves. I can not ever say Thank you enough to them for it. But should they ever see it they know how to reach me.
  19. I think it's day 7 or 6, I don't remember, I think 7 but anyway. I did not go work out that one day my joints hurt to much I did not want to make it worse. So instead I just relaxed took a nice warm shower and laid back. Still doing the vitamins which because of the b12 in them, my mood has stabilized. To those who do not know b12 has something to do with your mood stability. My mood changes are not as drastic, they are slower to react. I would not say I am happy but I am not as upset. I am not happy because of my job and where I live, but those are things that in the grand scheme of things can be changed very easily. I have a friend who wants me to visit, just to see things differently but really it would just be a vacation. Depending how things go and how fast other things change I will be able to go visit, realistically I don't know if I will be able to or not. Side tracked sorry. I would like to get back into working out and eating better to loose some weight even though people tell me I am not really over weight for my size but I sure feel that I am. If I loose 10 to 20 lb I would really be happy my dream goal is 200 lb, but well see. At my current weight it would not be bad if it was muscle but it's not. Well it's time to get back to work, man I don't like my job.
  20. Day three ways a nothing day I spent that day with my cousin playing some video games and having hard lemonade. Yum. Day 4 the day of writing. I am still taking the vitamins, if nothing else comes from them it will just good to take them. I came home from work and took a short nap I was pretty tired today. Tomorrow at work is a shorter day I think I will work out I don't know for how long but I think I will do that unless something comes up.
  21. final countdown But just the, it's the final countdown, part of the song that's it.
  22. So this is the second day of me trying to do something to improve my life. The first was nothing just thinking I guess. I have started taking a multivitamin again, I know I don't eat very good and maybe someday soon that will change. But I am taking it because I know I am probably lacking in some of vitamins and minerals. Two days in and I do feel something a little different, but it's to early to really tell anything yet. I have been told many times now to see a counselor, but I don't see the point? I do not understand what will come from it, besides just talking to someone. I know where a lot of my problems come from and what brought them about. I need a lot of improvement of myself image and how I feel about myself. I guess this is a start.
  23. I am sorry to hear that. But don't let that discourage you from letting people get to know you and understand what you are going threw. I will say it can be a little buggy at times I can't view the website on my tablet anymore the site will not load, so I have to do it on my phone. It will be nice to see you around, I hope you find what your looking for here.
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