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Blog Entries posted by zdude954

  1. zdude954
    In this country we have gone to a two party that has weaponized, we have become two totalitarian governments that hate each other. That super hate each other, that are just waring over each other for who's in control, and everyone has forgotten how to be a moderate. We need to remember it's not which side wins you represent 100% of the people and 50% of those people don't agree with you. We've got to have compromise between the two. We can not get caught up in the that 50% is 100% right. That the other 50% have rights they have an opinion that needs to be respected, that what they want is still valid. That we've got to work together to find that middle road. Instead of that your either extremist A or extremist B, that if you vote in the middle you can stay in your position. That's the problem, we have drive people to such extremes that they are afraid to the right thing because they will lose there job. That moderate has now been a bad word. George Washington warned that a two party system would rip this country apart and it has. The last "third" party president was Zachary Taylor for the whig party. Then even that it was not a true third party it was an off shoot of Republican party. I love America to be it's the best country in the world, but damn it this what we have become in nothing to be proud of. We have people that fight and fought for this country yet those are the ones no one wants to talk about them. Freedom is not free, just because you were born in a free country does not mean you have the right to freedom. Freedom is a gift, not a right. A country dividing will surely fail.
  2. zdude954
    This is kind of a continuation from the other day.
    How do you forget someone? How do you erase someone from your memories? My memories of someone I loved so very much keep coming back, I want them gone. I want to poor them out into a drain to be gone for ever never to be seen again. What use to be great memories, are now sour and bitter. I have begged them to stop and go away, to no avail. They have brought me to tears they cause so much pain they hurt so much. I have tired talking about them all that did is make them worse it did not help. When they appear in my dreams that just makes it worse, then you have no places to hide it makes it so much harder to deal with. Please make them stop, make her go away. Because of them I want to die to make them go away. If I was a stronger man I could deal with them, but I am not I am a weak emotional coward. I look around and see so many people who are better then me. Who live better lives. Who have loved ones. My life or my death will affect no one. I want the pain to stop, I want to stop.
  3. zdude954
    Has anyone else thought about what people do or think about when you die? I do and I have. To think about when people get the news your dead and gone, how many people are going to miss you? How many people will know I am even gone? How many people even care? Who will saddened by this news? Who might even be glad to hear it? I have thought about all those things, and even people on here yes you guys too. I find it truly saddening to think you might be talking to someone on here and then you stop hearing from them and you have no idea what has happened to them. Like if I was gone tonight and no one here ever heard from me again none of you would know what happened 97% of you wouldn't even care. The answers I have thought of to those questions make me uneasy some answers are really easy to answer and some are not. I am alone emotionally no one wants what I have to give. I am half way to a promise I made myself at 19, at the age of 50 if I am still alone I am going to end it all. But at this rate it would be before the age of 30, at this rate I don't want to see my birthday next year. I would rather be dead. Doing that is "selfish" how? So is going to the doctor when sick selfish? Is going to a psychologist selfish? I have never understood how it was selfish. Your making your pain go away, your ending your sufferings. How is that selfish? It's no different then someone self medicaiding themselves, the only difference is death. It's  a take this once and all your problems are gone. Think of all the people you hurt by doing it, in many cases what other people. It's not like I have a wife and kids waiting for me needing me. Friends I have very few of those like two. They might miss me or might not hard to say. I have wished so many times to die, I wished I was never born. I want it all to go away I want to die.
  4. zdude954
    I know I am the cause of my own pain now a days. But the bigger problem I won't do anything about it. How does one fix themselves really. Is it that I am afraid to get the help or that I just don't want to get the help. If I get help then what excuse do I have what reason do I have. I have nothing to blame anymore. The thing I want most no one is willing to give me. I am not asking for much, is asking for someone to love me. In my eyes I am almost 30 and still alone. It makes me cry to think about it, I see people younger then me married and with kids. But every time I try to change that I keep seeing the same thing no one wants me. No one will even give me the time of day, to even say hello. I don't want to die alone, but I know I am going too. 
  5. zdude954
    So I have a friend whom started volunteering in multiple things and with there job also. Well now they are just so busy now they just stopped being friends. I told them that they are going to be so busy they are not going to have anytime to talk with. That I would just become some number in there phone that they don't talk to anymore. They side "no I don't think so". Well I told them that because I have had friends do that so I know. Well guess what it happened, it's been some time now since I have heard from them.
  6. zdude954
    Does anyone want my life? I would be more then willing to give it to you, I am not selling it or asking for a trade. I will give you everything I own all the money, the few friends I have, my family everything, my job everything. All I ask is the clothes on my back and the shoes on my feet. Then I will disappear, you can't get a hold of me or get to worry what I will do or where I will be. I will simply disappear, I will simply no longer exist.
  7. zdude954
    Today I saw my ex, not intentionally it was an accident. In that moment I wanted to cry. It's almost been a full year now, why do I still feel that way? There is no chance of me getting back with her, I know that. There are a lot of details I could go into I will save them (from you the reader). But the moment I know it was her I instantly wanted to cry. She did not see me or know I passed her I am glad she didn't notice me, if she did I don't know what would have happened then. Typing this now makes me want to cry and some memories are coming back to me. Would someone please make it all stop, make everything go away. Make the pain stop, make the memories go away, I want to close my eyes and never wake up again.
  8. zdude954
    People will easily point their finger to video games being the problem. Someone shoots up a place, he played violent video games that must be the cause of it. Some of the studies say they are the cause some say they aren't. I have seen some say that they are inconclusive. But has anyone asked what some people have gotten from them. They gave me a place to be safe, where I could be anything I want to be. Where I control the outcome  if I don't like it I can do it again. No one will make fun of me for being to tall, to fat, to dumb, because I pronounced something wrong, and if someone does I can probably hurt them. I could be anything from a great creator or destroyer, I could be a cowboy or a knight is shining armor. But no because I play violent video games there must be something mentally wrong with me. I use them as a haven of safety.
  9. zdude954
    I was very intoxicated last night. It's the most I have been since I tried to die. I woke up still drunk, I threw up multiple times in a hour to the point it hurt as I was crying. I have not eaten much today. But I think I am done drinking like that again, I might have a few at a meal.
  10. zdude954
    I just want to thank all 1001 for taking the time to read this stuff. Yeah some of you maybe repeat reads. But to see the numbers keep climbing it makes me feel good that some people actually are taking the time to read this stuff. It maybe nothing to you but it's something to me. So thank you to everyone who's been reading this stuff. 
  11. zdude954
    So my brain is always running it's always thinking. So it's a good thing and it's a bad thing all at the same time. Because it's always thinking can figure things out pretty quickly, I see the problem or the issue and my brain instantly start trying to figure out ways around the issue or the correct way to fix it. It's a bad thing because it never stops running, being in your head that much is not a good thing. I will see something and I am trying to figure out how it was built or how I would built it, it always looking for something. I play video games everything from minecraft to gears of war, so the range of what I play is vast. They do a good job of keeping it calmer because in a second everything can change and I need to adapt and move on. Drinking also does a good job at slowing it down to the point people say I am a different person when I am drunk, normal me is a good person but drunk me is better. To be truthful I would not know because to me it's like a switch being flipped on or off I will remember having a few drinks but that will be it. (This is leading somewhere I promise)
    So today at work I was thinking I know a lot of my problems come from two main sources, one being the lack of love in my life and the second of self-confidence issues. So my brain did what it normally does started to tackle the problem. Well it stopped when it saw the correction but it's not a simple thing. The two go hand and hand, they are intertwined with each other. My brain stopped when it could not come with how to fix it. To fix the lack of love in my life means finding someone to love but then the self-confidence issues push forward and stop me from fixing the the first problem. But to fix the self-confidence issues is not as easy as it sounds, well not for me anyway. Because when I see myself in a mirror or my reflection it makes me cringe, so if it makes me not like myself why would anyone else like me? As far as me brain can figure even if I did find someone who does like me I will always not be good for them. That they deserve better then me. Many people have told me the guy inside is a great person, if that's true it's masked by what I see. The two images will never align.
  12. zdude954
    No real change nothing to really wright about this week. I have not changed anything still doing the same things I have been doing. Which in some regards that's ok because that means I am not going backwards but then I also feel like I am not moving forwards either. I am just sitting stagnant when something needs to be moving something needs to be changing. Arogon said, Open war is upon you weather you would risk it or not. This what it is like, other people wanting better for me but do I dear risk it. At what point is enough, enough. People saying do this and try that, how do they know what is right for me when I don't know what right for me. I live and have lived my life one day at a time, letting the river take me where ever it wants too. To have things planned more then a day out, is just something I simply just do not do. When I thought about going to school again I was ready that moment to get enrolled and start then come to find out I would have to wait for that then I gave up on that idea. When I do get an idea in my head my mind set goes straight into let do this and then let's get it down and get it done now. If it has to wait for something or someone I give up on it and move on. It can just take me so long to get motivated to do something that when it does not happen when I want it to happen I give up. 
  13. zdude954
    So I am lazy plan and simple. I want a new life but I guess inside I really don't want it. Because if I did then I would be doing more or for that fact something about it. Like four weeks ago I thought I had it all planned out I interviewed for a company making a lot more money they would have even payed for schooling and everything. But that fell threw I never heard from them I did not get the job. After that I lost everything, I gave up trying. I went back to the job I hate (I don't hate the work just the place), I gave up on the idea of going to school. The school keeps calling me and sending me emails and signing up, but now there is now way to pay for it. I have to get a new to me vehicle before I could ever go to school. At this point schooling would be a luxury that I couldn't afford. It's just a horrible cycle and when I get the strength to brake it something happens then I give up trying. All it does is make me hate my life. I look around and see people my own age so much farther ahead of me, then I look at my life and it makes me hate myself. Yeah the grass is always greener on the other, it not always true but at face value it sure is.
     Yesterday on my way to work I made myself sad with out even trying too. I starting thinking at I am alone, and unwanted. I am really tired of it but the more I try to fix that the more depressed it makes me. One of my greatest fears is living and dieing alone having no one to have spent my life with. At one point I had over four different dating profiles sent an untold amount of money, just to see no one. Nothing came from any of those not a single date, not even a conversation with someone. It's not even like I set my standards high, or set the range close to me. I set the range over 200 miles and said was will to drive to them. After half to three fourths of a year I deleted all of them. That day I cried myself to sleep, that was the day I gave up. Being all alone makes me more depressed, I know some people can't understand the why and to be honest neither do I. It's just a uncontrollable feeling I get inside, to the point I don't like seeing couples together in public. A few years ago I told myself if I was still alone at the age of 50 it's done and over with. When I think about it right now I feel very sad and I don't like what I see. I can't see how anyone is okay with spending there life alone, it makes me want to cry. 
  14. zdude954
    I feel like what is now holding me back is my job. I need to change my job but that can be easier said then done. I no longer enjoy it, I use to when some people I knew worked here but now that they are gone the joy is gone. I really did not see them that much but knowing they were here made it more enjoyable. Right now I am living pretty cheaply, but I need a new or new to me vehicle. I would not mind going back to school. I would have to find a part time job then so I could go to school and work, or I guess online classes. But I need to change that soon, the more I think about it the more it makes sense. I don't need to make 100k pluse to be happy, it's just means I get to live better. I don't know what I want to do I do know what I don't want to do I guess that's a start right? While that's going on work on the physical me. Then when we get that stuff is squared away then work on the living conditions that's I think. Then maybe someone to love, so that way my heart can stop hurting so much.
    There are two muffins in the oven one looks over at the other and says it's hot in here, the other muffin goes wow a talking muffin.
  15. zdude954
    I have differently plateaued. Which in my eye's is a good for bad things. It's good because that means I have improved from where I was, but now I am not getting better right now. When I started this it was a sudden change maybe it's time for a second one now. I am still looking that gym membership, I hope it still active. I am not sure what to change but something needs to now not in a week not in two weeks but in the next day or two I will have something to wright about. I feel this blog is weak so I will it with a joke. What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's heavy and the other is a little lighter. Hahahahahaha
  16. zdude954
    I feel like I have plateaued. I do believe that some if not a lot of my problems came from vitamin deficiency. I as not born 100 percent mentally stable so I am not expecting to be at 100, but I would like to be back to at least where a was. I know there will be things I will not be able to change about myself, so I either need to except those things and embrace them or just move on and deal with it. The physical from of me the person everyone see's that will be the next thing I work on and that will take a lot of time and some money to change. I will look into seeing if my gym membership is still active I believe it still but I will need to look. I will start working out and trying to loose weight. I have changed my mind I don't need to have the 6 pack of abs, but I do want a flat chest. I want to able to not wear a shirt to the beach or just being outside. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. In the process of changing that I hope that the person I see changes too. I know there will be somethings I will be able to change but that will mean paying money to go see someone about them. Like all my acne scars there is now a lazer treatment that you can get it, I really don't know how it works but the before and afters are amazing. That will be something I look into maybe next year the holidays are coming so I need to save money not spend it on myself.
    A big help is having a couple of friends that have stayed close, they know who they are. Some have played a bigger role then they will truly know. If one of them could only see it for themselves. I can not ever say Thank you enough to them for it. But should they ever see it they know how to reach me.
  17. zdude954
    I think it's day 7 or 6, I don't remember, I think 7 but anyway. I did not go work out that one day my joints hurt to much I did not want to make it worse. So instead I just relaxed took a nice warm shower and laid back. Still doing the vitamins which because of the b12 in them, my mood has stabilized. To those who do not know b12 has something to do with your mood stability. My mood changes are not as drastic, they are slower to react. I would not say I am happy but I am not as upset. I am not happy because of my job and where I live, but those are things that in the grand scheme of things can be changed very easily. I have a friend who wants me to visit, just to see things differently but really it would just be a vacation. Depending how things go and how fast other things change I will be able to go visit, realistically I don't know if I will be able to or not. Side tracked sorry. I would like to get back into working out and eating better to loose some weight even though people tell me I am not really over weight for my size but I sure feel that I am. If I loose 10 to 20 lb I would really be happy my dream goal is 200 lb, but well see. At my current weight it would not be bad if it was muscle but it's not.
    Well it's time to get back to work, man I don't like my job.
  18. zdude954
    Day three ways a nothing day I spent that day with my cousin playing some video games and having hard lemonade. Yum. Day 4 the day of writing. I am still taking the vitamins, if nothing else comes from them it will just good to take them. I came home from work and took a short nap I was pretty tired today. Tomorrow at work is a shorter day I think I will work out I don't know for how long but I think I will do that unless something comes up.
  19. zdude954
    So this is the second day of me trying to do something to improve my life. The first was nothing just thinking I guess. I have started taking a multivitamin again, I know I don't eat very good and maybe someday soon that will change. But I am taking it because I know I am probably lacking in some of vitamins and minerals. Two days in and I do feel something a little different, but it's to early to really tell anything yet. I have been told many times now to see a counselor, but I don't see the point? I do not understand what will come from it, besides just talking to someone. I know where a lot of my problems come from and what brought them about. I need a lot of improvement of myself image and how I feel about myself. I guess this is a start.
  20. zdude954
    I have been given some very hard truths the other day. The person is right she has (for the sake of this) always been right. She has been like a crowbar slowly prying my eyes open. By opening my eyes more she is getting me to see I was right I am being a horrible person and I need to change I need to do something. If I don't then who knows what will happen, where I will be, or what I will be. Song quote, I'm hard to love, hard to love, No, I don't make it easy, I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood. By me being what I am being it's true, who would want to be with me? Let alone say they even know me. So to those people that say they know me and on here there are few, I need to say Thank you. I am sorry, I need to be and do better for myself for you and for everyone else.
    I know change does not come over night, but damn it I sure am going to go for it. I don't know where to start or what to start with so I am just going to start. I need to make my ups at least match my downs or be ahead of them. The good needs to out weight the bad. But where there is good there is evil, people of peace create engines of war, for where there is light there will always be darkness. But for as long as there is a balance between the two there will be stability and peacefulness. 
  21. zdude954
    Today I feel so alone, unwanted, unloved, unneeded. I feel like crying myself to sleep, but all that does is make my eyes hurt. It feels like my whole life has been leading with the wrong foot. Every choice I have made has been the wrong one that I should have done something different. I am barely in function broke. I don't make enough money to have a place of my own, and now I have to buy a new to me vehicle. The vehicles I have owned have been horrible unsafe to drive. But I have to because I can't afford to get a nicer car to drive. So my vehicle braking, well it blows every plan out of the water. I was hoping to go back to school but now even if i wanted to i can't any more. The question I ask now is, what's the point?
    I.... I can't go get help even if I wanted too. Even if I did I would be to lazy to see them on a regular basis. I am a lazy good for nothing person. Everything I start I stop and give up. I don't want to do anything. To tell the truth I really don't even take care of myself,  I do but I don't. Be tell me your not lazy you have a full time job so you can't be lazy. Well I don't want to be there, I hate getting up and going, when I come home I take a shower and lay in bed. I eat food, not healthy for good for me food just food. I have a gym membership but I don't go, I think about going but then I just say what's the point. I hat who I am, I hate what I am, I hate what I have done, I hate myself for not doing the things I should have done. I look in the mirror and I see a monster, an ugly, fat, stupid monster. People try to tell me I am not any of those things, that I am cuter then what I think I am. Well it takes just about every fiber of my being to not call them I lier, and sadly I have. People say that I am a good person that I am a great person to know that I do a lot of good. But I just see it as being nice that I don't want anyone else to feel worthless, because I know how that feels to wake up and cry because no one cares about you. I have woken up to many times crying or cried myself to sleep. I hate crying now because it's starting to hurt physically now, not just emotionally. I ask, if everyone tells me that I am better then what I think, that I am cuter then think, then why did my life turn out this way. 
    I read so many guys on here and people I knew/know, that all they want is someone to love. Then you see all the women that just want to find someone who's not a jerk, and a womanizer. Well clearly no one looking hard enough. Because both sides want the same thing. My biggest fear is dieing unloved, but at the sametime it's problem I don't want to continue because no one loves me. All it does is make my head spine and my heart hurt. That's all I want so be loved and give my heart to someone but no one seems to want it. All the women that have come and gone have just used it, we'll now it's getting to the point where I am stitching stitches back together, like a child's stuffed toy. 
    I don't want to continue anymore but at the sametime I don't want to die either. I feel like I am stuck in limbo.So to anyone who made it this far thanks, I guess.
    Aka, Zach 
  22. zdude954
    Well I have turned down from a few jobs I have applied too now. It is making me think I need to give up on my whole plan. I am feeling very down about the whole Idea, but now my parents have been telling other family members about it and very one says that they are proud of me. But none of that brings me any comfort. I was not doing it for them I was doing it for myself.
  23. zdude954
    So tomorrow I am going to turn in my application to a company I would not mind working for. The job I want to do is welding. But I not only do I have to turn in my app but I will also have to weld for them. I have welded before so it's not like I have never done it. But I am so scared that if I don't do good enough, that means I have to go back to a job I don't like and is not doing me any good. I can not keep working where I am at, the place is poorly managed and they do not treat you with the respect you deserve to have. I really need to get this job, if nothing else to just be  making more money. I need a new vehicle or at the very least a new to me vehicle. So if anyone reads this between now and the time I have to go in tomorrow, any advice will be much appreciated. Thank you
  24. zdude954
    So yesterday I was at birthday party of my grandfather, he turned 80 with if his health stays like it is many more to go. But anyway, he was telling stories from he was a kid with his two sisters. Some of those stories were so funny, they made us laugh so hard it hurt. But it got me thinking, at the rate my life is going I don't want to live that long. I don't want to see that day at this rate. Yes I understand every day is different, and things can change on a dime. But at this rate 55 more years of this no Thank you. I can't and won't do it. Something would have to change every quickly for me to want to see that day that day come. 
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