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Everything posted by zdude954

  1. In this country we have gone to a two party that has weaponized, we have become two totalitarian governments that hate each other. That super hate each other, that are just waring over each other for who's in control, and everyone has forgotten how to be a moderate. We need to remember it's not which side wins you represent 100% of the people and 50% of those people don't agree with you. We've got to have compromise between the two. We can not get caught up in the that 50% is 100% right. That the other 50% have rights they have an opinion that needs to be respected, that what they want is still valid. That we've got to work together to find that middle road. Instead of that your either extremist A or extremist B, that if you vote in the middle you can stay in your position. That's the problem, we have drive people to such extremes that they are afraid to the right thing because they will lose there job. That moderate has now been a bad word. George Washington warned that a two party system would rip this country apart and it has. The last "third" party president was Zachary Taylor for the whig party. Then even that it was not a true third party it was an off shoot of Republican party. I love America to be it's the best country in the world, but damn it this what we have become in nothing to be proud of. We have people that fight and fought for this country yet those are the ones no one wants to talk about them. Freedom is not free, just because you were born in a free country does not mean you have the right to freedom. Freedom is a gift, not a right. A country dividing will surely fail.
  2. This is kind of a continuation from the other day. How do you forget someone? How do you erase someone from your memories? My memories of someone I loved so very much keep coming back, I want them gone. I want to poor them out into a drain to be gone for ever never to be seen again. What use to be great memories, are now sour and bitter. I have begged them to stop and go away, to no avail. They have brought me to tears they cause so much pain they hurt so much. I have tired talking about them all that did is make them worse it did not help. When they appear in my dreams that just makes it worse, then you have no places to hide it makes it so much harder to deal with. Please make them stop, make her go away. Because of them I want to die to make them go away. If I was a stronger man I could deal with them, but I am not I am a weak emotional coward. I look around and see so many people who are better then me. Who live better lives. Who have loved ones. My life or my death will affect no one. I want the pain to stop, I want to stop.
  3. The memories of someone I use to love, but I can't love anymore. They use to be sweet memories but now they have turned sour to the mind I want them gone I want them to leave me alone. I can't forget them they just keep coming back and taking my sanity more and more. They are one of driving forces for ending it just to make them stop and go away. You asked.
  4. zdude954


    I give myself so much time but they keep coming back, multiple times a day, every day, every week. I have also yet to be glad that I have not tired in a while. I can even be doing something I like to do and be happy but still be thinking about it. There is no end to it. People say good morning to me, I have replied back what makes it so good. I hate myself, I hate who I am, what I have done, the people I have hurt, the things I have said. I want a happily ever after but I do not deserve it, I deserve to die. I have hurt everyone I know in some way shape or form. If I was a better person a braver then maybe but I am not any of things. I look into a mirror and all I see is a fat ugly monster, people say I am a nice sweet guy but I do not believe them. You are right in one regard if people found a member past away from here they would be sad. But it's set up so will never know that, the profile is just unactive and leaves people not knowing they just don't get on. No one on here would ever find out. Like what your view of friends is, but I do not see it that way I never have and I never will. No one here can or will ever truly understand what I am going threw, they can't understand. Because I don't know so if I don't know how can they.
  5. I can't wait for to be over so I that way I can sit down and watch TV with out seeing an ad for it. Personally I think it's not going to be good either way no matter who wins or loses. I am one of those people that does not fit into any political group I think they all have some good ideas and some bad ideas, so I don't agree with anyone but I don't disagree with anyone either.
  6. zdude954


    Has anyone else thought about what people do or think about when you die? I do and I have. To think about when people get the news your dead and gone, how many people are going to miss you? How many people will know I am even gone? How many people even care? Who will saddened by this news? Who might even be glad to hear it? I have thought about all those things, and even people on here yes you guys too. I find it truly saddening to think you might be talking to someone on here and then you stop hearing from them and you have no idea what has happened to them. Like if I was gone tonight and no one here ever heard from me again none of you would know what happened 97% of you wouldn't even care. The answers I have thought of to those questions make me uneasy some answers are really easy to answer and some are not. I am alone emotionally no one wants what I have to give. I am half way to a promise I made myself at 19, at the age of 50 if I am still alone I am going to end it all. But at this rate it would be before the age of 30, at this rate I don't want to see my birthday next year. I would rather be dead. Doing that is "selfish" how? So is going to the doctor when sick selfish? Is going to a psychologist selfish? I have never understood how it was selfish. Your making your pain go away, your ending your sufferings. How is that selfish? It's no different then someone self medicaiding themselves, the only difference is death. It's a take this once and all your problems are gone. Think of all the people you hurt by doing it, in many cases what other people. It's not like I have a wife and kids waiting for me needing me. Friends I have very few of those like two. They might miss me or might not hard to say. I have wished so many times to die, I wished I was never born. I want it all to go away I want to die.
  7. Not wanting to be alive anymore. Not wanting to see the sun raise anymore. I just want to go away and never return. I have only been up for 2 hours and I have thought about the idea of suicide 5 times now, and as the day goes on it will only get worse. I am so tired of everything, I am tired of the bullying, I am tired of the continent pain, I am tired of being alone unwanted unloved, I am tired of not going anywhere in life, I am tired of being who I am and not being good enough. Now you know what's on my mind.
  8. The Cubs winning the world series in game 7 with extra innings. Not a big baseball fan but they broke an over one hundred year curse.
  9. Ok being the tallest person to post height means nothing. I stand at 6'3" (1.9 meters) by what most everyone saying (guy's) then every women should be lining up to be with me guess what there not I can't get anyone to even look at me. I am a little over weight 224 lb (101.6 kg) I have an average build but I am strong. So clearly if was based solely on those things then someone with in 200 miles should want me but there isn't I've looked. Some women prefer taller men, some prefer shorter, some heavy set, some thinner. Just like every guy does not prefer the same type of women. On that topic alone we can go forever and forever till the world ends NO one is going to like the same things in their partner.
  10. I know I am the cause of my own pain now a days. But the bigger problem I won't do anything about it. How does one fix themselves really. Is it that I am afraid to get the help or that I just don't want to get the help. If I get help then what excuse do I have what reason do I have. I have nothing to blame anymore. The thing I want most no one is willing to give me. I am not asking for much, is asking for someone to love me. In my eyes I am almost 30 and still alone. It makes me cry to think about it, I see people younger then me married and with kids. But every time I try to change that I keep seeing the same thing no one wants me. No one will even give me the time of day, to even say hello. I don't want to die alone, but I know I am going too.
  11. zdude954

    a friend

    So I have a friend whom started volunteering in multiple things and with there job also. Well now they are just so busy now they just stopped being friends. I told them that they are going to be so busy they are not going to have anytime to talk with. That I would just become some number in there phone that they don't talk to anymore. They side "no I don't think so". Well I told them that because I have had friends do that so I know. Well guess what it happened, it's been some time now since I have heard from them.
  12. Something I have been downloading for 6 days (made me mad) it is at 99% at the time of posting
  13. zdude954

    giving away

    Nope not in the deal when you take it, it's yours forever no giving it back. When the deal is struck you never hear or see of me again, I am gone from you and everyone I know. (aka you now know) As the children say no taksies backsies.
  14. Today I saw my ex, not intentionally it was an accident. In that moment I wanted to cry. It's almost been a full year now, why do I still feel that way? There is no chance of me getting back with her, I know that. There are a lot of details I could go into I will save them (from you the reader). But the moment I know it was her I instantly wanted to cry. She did not see me or know I passed her I am glad she didn't notice me, if she did I don't know what would have happened then. Typing this now makes me want to cry and some memories are coming back to me. Would someone please make it all stop, make everything go away. Make the pain stop, make the memories go away, I want to close my eyes and never wake up again.
  15. zdude954

    giving away

    Does that mean yes? Lol.
  16. Does anyone want my life? I would be more then willing to give it to you, I am not selling it or asking for a trade. I will give you everything I own all the money, the few friends I have, my family everything, my job everything. All I ask is the clothes on my back and the shoes on my feet. Then I will disappear, you can't get a hold of me or get to worry what I will do or where I will be. I will simply disappear, I will simply no longer exist.
  17. BMI, is nothing to get to worked up over. It's body fat percentage is the one to be more concerned about really. At the end of the day all the really matters is that your comfortable with who you are and what you look like.
  18. I do not have any yet I can not afford to get them.The first one will go on either my left or right arm it will be the firefighters maltese cross with crossing fire axes behind it in the middle will be the 457 which is my father's numbers above it will say my and below it hero. Then on the other arm will be a sleeve with video game symbols and logos. I can not truly ever explain what video games have given me over the years, and most of you would never understand anyway. I tried to well kind if explain it in a blog post. Then the last one I would have to get the photo of the drawing and post it because I can not explain it well enough so you could picture it.
  19. If you plant the seed from an apple you just eat no matter what kind of apple it is you WILL NOT get that apple tree. Apples have cross genetically modified so many times that it will not produce the same apples. That and it is a very common practice to graft one apple tree onto the roots of an other, some tree are more resistant to environmental effects then others but produce an undesirable food where, some produce a better fruit UT the tree is weaker to environmental effects.
  20. Why does living suck so much?
  21. The city of Fort Wayne hold a festival called the johnny apple seed festival at Johnny apple seed park.
  22. zdude954

    video games

    When I could afford to buy my own console my father bought me two games halo, and fable two game known for violence. But even before that mortal combat, killer instinct, they would play with me sometimes. Then I got super Mario Bros for the super Nintendo then to the N64. I played grand theft auto vice city at young age, I have yet to shoot anyone, done any drugs, stole a car.
  23. I agree it does sound like you do. Coming from someone who does at times it can and will get scary I have zoned out while driving all of a sudden 2 hours had passed and I was in a different state. I was driving to that state anyway but I can not tell you what happened in those two hours. I have also been told well then how do you site in front of a screen and play video games then? Easy there is always something happening every second. Something can and will change at a moments notice keeping your mind busy.
  24. What is today? I was up late past midnight so it threw my off
  25. People will easily point their finger to video games being the problem. Someone shoots up a place, he played violent video games that must be the cause of it. Some of the studies say they are the cause some say they aren't. I have seen some say that they are inconclusive. But has anyone asked what some people have gotten from them. They gave me a place to be safe, where I could be anything I want to be. Where I control the outcome if I don't like it I can do it again. No one will make fun of me for being to tall, to fat, to dumb, because I pronounced something wrong, and if someone does I can probably hurt them. I could be anything from a great creator or destroyer, I could be a cowboy or a knight is shining armor. But no because I play violent video games there must be something mentally wrong with me. I use them as a haven of safety.
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