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Ethosa

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  1. Yeah, I know how that feels. It's weird, I rarely open up to people. I tell things to friends, but I'm careful not to show the entire picture. People just so quickly come to conclusions, they try to find the very root of it, and if they can't, they say things like, "She has everything; family, friends, money. She has no reason to be sad." They think I want attention, they think I'm needy and weak. They don't know how hard it is for me to get out of bed sometimes, brush my teeth, or take a bath. It's a really big weight I have to carry around all the time, and having to pretend I'm not tired is the hardest part about it. There are times I drown in my insecurity, more than I care to admit. I used to hate looking at mirrors, but my friends loved to. They would ask me to come with them to the comfort rooms at school and I would just stay by the side lines, avoiding my own sight. I hated looking at pictures with me in it. I didn't like setting my Facebook display pic to an actual picture of myself. I wasn't jealous of how people looked; I was more jealous of their confidence. I knew I wouldn't be able to change how I look, so it would've been swell to be gifted with a little bit of confidence. But I never really thought I had the right to be confident.
  2. I don't think that's possible. I'm a minor, so I need my parents' consent for pretty much everything. It's just tiring having to hide it everyday, having to pretend that I'm doing swell when I'm really not. I'm afraid to talk to any adult, I feel like every one of them is somehow associated with my parents. I love my parents, but they just don't understand.
  3. I actually avoid staying inside. I don't like being left alone, I don't like being surrounded by walls. Similar to sitting down on one position for a 3-hour lecture at school, I become uncomfortable and squirmy.
  4. No, I was always shy in opening up topics of me possibly being depressed or anxious. I don't like seeking help from counselors because that would require my parents having to find out. The only time I was able to talk to a counselor was when I got into trouble for cutting my wrists. I went to an all-girls Catholic school when I was in high school, and they don't take so kindly towards these things. I've been told that it's a sinful indulgence. I was forced to agree to get it over with. That encounter did nothing to help me and it's left me feeling even worse about myself. This happened 2 years ago. I've been struggling with self-injury for 4 years. Thank you for your concern, I really appreciate it.
  5. Pretty much did nothing today. Didn't have school, so I just laid around instead of studying for my exam tomorrow.
  6. Don't beat yourself up over wanting to take care of yourself, but don't drag out your situation longer. Maybe finish the projects you're in the middle of right now, but don't accept any more if you can't handle it. Hang in there
  7. I wear glasses. I have astigmatism. Going a few minutes without glasses makes my head hurt like crazy. It's already a part of my overall appearance, and nobody really makes fun of it (save for a few close friends because they consider my frames to be "hipster"; it's all for good banter). Many famous brands offer their own line of frames like Lacoste, Calvin Klein, Prada, Ralph Lauren, but the most well-known is Ray-Ban.
  8. Why is it so hard to open up about mental illnesses? Why couldn't it be as easy as going to the doctor for a check up? What's with all this shame being associated with mental illnesses? Why is it whenever my parents see the cuts on my wrist, they get all worked up and angry? "We can't have that in the family! Only pussies do that!" my father would tell me. I'm so afraid of opening up. It's not so simple, it's not the easiest thing to shake off. I want it to stop. I want answers. I want a name for what I'm feeling. I feel so hopeless and trapped. I feel so tired of pretending that I can just shake off this feeling and go about my day like normal.
  9. I'm sorry about how you feel. Self-hatred is dark pit to be in. It makes you feel alone and unloved despite all the people around you. It's torture, really. It's so hard to stop it because it's you that's putting yourself under so much pressure, under so much pain, and you just have no idea how to stop yourself. However, the above suggestions can be so helpful. I was once told that "Pretension is the best way of moving on", and that's left the biggest mark on my mind. Even if you don't believe it for yourself, at least make the pretense that you are beautiful, that you are worth it, that you are smart. It will make the biggest difference, of having you say that for yourself repeatedly, and it will make you one day believe this.
  10. I think you should be honest with your employer. You current situation will affect your performance at work sooner or later. You need to take a little time off to make yourself stronger. You have every right to ask for it, you're just looking out for yourself. Take things slow, recovery doesn't happen overnight. Start out with small goals, and with doing something you love and you're really good at so you can start trusting yourself again. Opening up about those kind of things can be real tough, yeah. But it's sometimes the only option.
  11. Thanks for the warm welcome I'm quite enjoying my stay here, the community is lovely and understanding. To Siren; you're right. Becoming aware of my sexuality was just awkward. I've studied in an all-girls Catholic school for the majority of my life, and I've gotten used to interacting with girls my whole life that I'm just plain awkward around boys. It's a given that I have developed an attraction towards girls. I still have some attraction to boys, which is why I just consider myself bisexual. To Epictetus; your screen name is cool too!
  12. Ethosa

    Goals

    I just realized that I absolutely have no goals. I'm gonna list them all out here. Organize my portfolio Continue my work out Start drinking more water Pass my classes Last one's real important. I need a minimum GWA, and if I don't get that I'll be kicked out of uni. I'm almost confident that I'll make it. I don't wanna make myself super confident, I need a little space for doubt to push me harder. I also wanna start drinking more water, like follow that standard 8 glasses a day thing (I'm just at, like, 2 bottles a day for now). I've been gaining more weight than I should be, and it's making me dreadfully insecure. My mother suggested for me to cut back on the sodas and other sugary drinks and stick to water; I've found that as one of the best suggestions I've ever gotten.
  13. It's exam week. I took my first exam of the week a while ago, which is Algebra (it's my second time taking that class. I'm dreadful when it comes to Math). Not feeling so confident about that. I went on a date with my girlfriend. Took aside my pride once more and said sorry to my best friend for the second time. I didn't show her my best attitude yesterday. I was touchy and problematic and I might have put it all out to her. It's gonna be another day tomorrow.
  14. I've never associated celebrity obsessions with OCD before going through some of the posts here, but I've been through a similar situation. I was obsessed with a certain singer. She was breathtaking. She didn't just perform, she did some good to the world too, but she was often bombarded with hate from "haters" (I guess some obsessions aren't just associated with love, because I've seen some really dedicated haters too). I was known as the fan. I surrounded myself with people who shared my obsession. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, she was the one on my mind. I let her run my life. I don't spend my money, mostly skipping meals, just so I can buy her merchandise. I was proud of my obsession but I was often ridiculed or laughed at. Now I'm shy at even admitting that I was once a "die-hard fan". I'm a still fan though, but I'm not even close to obsessed with her anymore. I managed to get over my obsession because I found friends. This was probably the root of my obsession; the lack of understanding from my peers. My obsession died down as I started socializing a bit more. My CO no longer ran my life, and I started to find things I was interested in doing that benefited me too. She was a big part of my life, there's no use in denying that, but there's still that idea that she still has no idea who I am and that I even exist. I'm happy with the success she's attaining now, and I couldn't be more proud, but my life has become a lot better when I started to run my own life rather than let someone else.
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