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newborn leader

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  1. I am tired. I am tired of people yelling at me for no apparent reason, constantly putting me down. I don't want to **** myself but I am on the verge of crisis, and I know it. If they keep their habits up, I won't be where I am at right now (I am trying to get better without doctors and without medication, because I don't have access to either... I was shamed because of my mental illness. There's a lot of Stigma where we are, especially in the house.) My sibling is a toxic person to be around, I always try to be nice to her/him by buying her/him things from my money or by talking nicely to her/him or whatever but s/he doesn't treat me as an equal. S/he yells at me for no reason, s/he demeans, degrades, and ridicules me. For example, I decided to clean the room today (as was asked of me) and I forced myself to overcome my phobia and OCD of holding nasty things (I found a piece of gum chewed and thrown-nasty, I know). Anyways, I picked up the vacuum and vacuumed the room (her/his chore) , during the course of which my sibling yelled at me (don't remember why, tbh, BPD sometimes makes me forget-thanks to my dissociation). I was then yelled at (by my sibling) for attempting to replug the vacuum where s/he plugged it. That's when I lost my cool. If no one is going to be there for me then I have to be there for myself, right? Well, I started to tell my grandma that I should be respected (rather loudly) and how it isn't fair for me to be yelled at consistently when I am doing things for others. She could care less. Then, when we were doing something, she's like: you can't go yelling, what would happen if you were to get married and your husband were to yell at you. How can I stay calm after that was said to me? I told her that she should be talking to my sibling rather than to me and I walked out wishing that she was dead. Now I'm sitting alone, after I shed some tears. That's my life, alienating and depressing. How can I feel better when I've got no one to stand up for me? When I can't even stand up for me? My childhood was stolen away from me, my teenage years were ruined for me, and now I'm coming up to my adult life and I'm still not any better than I was 6 years ago. I need to stay cool, I know that, I need to handle my anger better, I know that, but I'm not the only problem. Sorry, needed to shed some weight off of me....
  2. 37 degrees celsius, or was it 32? Honestly, the scorching heat strokes are empowering my senses of thirst and sweltering sensations. As if I didn't have enough to worry about, the moment I set eyes on the lasting sensations of the suns' rays was the last moment I endured the heavenly gast of breathtaking humidity. No, not humility as I face that daily...but, indeed humidity. Headaches of sparkling power and doom, bleeds of the ocean wide gaping nose, and more than one painstakingly enduring ghostly effects of laughter-I try to snicker beyond the facts of fasting, and I remember..I remember when I was in a country filled with freedom without the developing side-effects of war. I remember my mouth gaping open at the shock of almost a year filled with snow...I remember hating snow, but now I want it more than I want anything else. See, that's the funny thing beyond the snickering humans' elbow, it is when we no longer face our situation that we realize how much good we had it. So don't miss out on the chance of graduating with honors, like I did, don't miss out on the chance of feeling happiness even if it's the last moment. Fill your shoes with feathers, and fly, fill your nightmares with dreams of power and happiness...Dream Big, Dream Small, just don't ever stop dreaming of the things that you could do with what you have at this very moment.
  3. Welcome to DF, I hope that you will be able to get better. There are many members on here, like me, who're more than willing to help. I'd like to thank you for your service. If you want, whenever you need/want to talk to somebody you can always PM/message me. I wish the best for you.
  4. Welcome here, and I'd just like to say that this place has a LOT of helpful people so don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I'd be more than willing to help, btw and I'm sure many others would, too :)
  5. Why's it so hard for me to leave my mind? Why is it so hard for me to find a place to sleep, without being forced to move or to sleep with anxiety luring over me? I was so convinced that it was time to leave yesterday because I was awoken from my sleep numerous times. I don't usually complain about that but here's the thing: I was told to become more social with the family, so I tried to do that only thing is...why should I spend my time with people who name call me whenever they have a chance, who destroy any emotional stability I've managed to gather, who strike out any confidence and who don't see me for who I am? Let's be honest, the only reason I'm here is because I feel like I have to be. I don't know what to do. This morning I woke up thinking, why should I die just because my family are worse than my worst bullies? Why should I die just because I can't seek comfort within the grounds I was raised? Trust, Empathy, and Love that's all I ever asked for. I never asked for neglect, emotional or physical abuse. I've never asked to be brought into this world without a second thought, I didn't ask for where I am today but neither did any of us. I believe that in order to change, we should first look in the mirror deep down beyond our eyes and through the soul. Seek what we're looking for from within ourselves, because change starts with us...but how do we go from being made into awfully miserable creatures into empowering empathetic people? How do we go from being belittled, and ridiculed from those with higher superiority into helping others while we seek comfort ourselves? Tough life, tough questions and no answers. All I know is that it all starts from within. So, why did I name the title as "Stop it"? Well, yesterday while being moved from one place to another to sleep I remember my father standing in the doorway telling me to "Stop it". I was asleep, might've been complaining about how I couldn't find anywhere to sleep. I had been just awoken from tears falling down, and no I won't ever mention that to my family because no matter how hard I try they will always tell me that religion is the power to stability. I am religious, I pray and try my best to tell the difference between right and wrong but how am I supposed to know how to stop conflict from arising if that's all I've ever been exposed to? "Stop it", he said, "Stop it"...honestly I swallowed those words like venom, like poisonous snakes biting deep within the muscle, veins and blood. If I knew how to stop it, then I would have already done so but deep within I long for more than what I have and I won't stop until I have what I want. Until I have what I need. I need Love, not love from others but love from within. I remember trying to suppress the shrieks and cries of empowering doom and overpowering thoughts. Heck, if I can't stop crying from seeing an intrusive image over and over in my head then how can I start making a difference? I tried comforting the child within me, but that child and I know no better. We don't know how to comfort each other, because we've yet to be comforted by others. Or maybe I have been comforted by others, and this is all just a break in reality? Maybe I'm insane, maybe I'm the conflict that stirs the problems and everyone would do better without me? I don't know...all I know is that I long for more, and it all starts from within. Hope you enjoyed reading this, I hope to write more in the coming days.
  6. I'm sorry to hear that, that's really difficult to deal with...but whatever the case, remember that you're not and will never be a "sore loser" because you went to college and graduated and that's a huge accomplishment no matter what may happen.
  7. it's harsh to have those sort of people around you but remember that just because they don't know what you're going through, it doesn't mean that there are others who feel the same way; you seem like a great person who's hanging around with bad people and I don't know you but I do know this, you are not alone. You are courageous and brave for wanting to get help, advice, suggestions, anything. I'd like to ask you; if you have a hard time because of someone else, remember that they don't have to define who you are. You are the only person who can define yourself. However, I want you to know that you are a wonderful person and if you need anyone, someone to talk to then I'll always be here for you. If need be, you can PM me and I'll reply as soon as I can; you deserve a lot in this world, and the people who told you that, they don't deserve you.
  8. I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time, if you need to please feel free to PM me at anytime. I'll always be there to listen and help out :-)
  9. I don't exactly know what to say but I feel like I should say something because I'm a woman and it hurts me to read this. If there's one thing that I can say, it is; we all see the same sun set and the same sun rise, we all see different mountains in life, we all have our rough patches and our good moments, we all are human. It doesn't matter whether you hate me or not, to be honest I feel like I need to love myself before I feel loved or before I like someone else which is fine but sometimes words will hurt more than stones. I feel your pain, you said you were crying, and I know that it isn't easy and all you're trying to do is to get help but sometimes somethings are meant to be vended to some people and not the others. It isn't fair that life's hard or that sometimes you feel uncontrollably angry or that things aren't going the way you imagined but sometime, someday, you'll find happiness and you'll find out that this anger is worth it because it taught you to hold yourself together in the dark and in the light of moments. I wish the best for you and if I'd like you to take anything from this I'd like you to take this, we all look at the same thing and we all go through similar situations but it isn't about what you go through-it's about how you deal with it. You may travel a journey of 1,000 km only to find out that the destination isn't what you were hoping it'd be. It wasn't about the destination, because you never know what's ahead, it's about the journey and how you walk throughout it that truly counts. The past isn't preparing you for the future, the future prepares you for the future.
  10. I miss the smiles on your face And the help you give I miss talking about challenges I embrace I miss you, I miss her, and I miss everyone else in between I miss the hugs, kisses, and loves like I miss riding the limousine Flowers are pretty, The sunshine shines And your hair is ever-white But that is what makes you, you You are a loving person Ever so generous Kind with a blooming heart And you are so smart Thank you for being you Dedicated to a loving person
  11. I'm happy to hear that you've been feeling great for the week, I'm hoping that you do get the job that you want and if not then I hope that you do have a relaxing time.
  12. WARNING: I'm a negative person, trying to become more positive/optimistic, thus if you don't want to hear anything negative then please don't read. I'm Unmotivated: I have a bunch of homework, and this is my first year of procrastination. Unfortunately, it's also the most important year. I'm also worried/anxious: I have a test coming up on Friday and I still haven't studied or did the homework questions assigned for the unit. And I'm tired: I wish I can just sleep all day and not have to worry about anything. Thus to sum it all up, I'm feeling emotionally and physically (woke up with a swollen face) tired and exhausted. Unfortunately, I believe that I'm near my melting point....
  13. I got to stay home instead of go to school, and I guess that's a bit of an accomplishment....
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