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About Caitlyn

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  • Birthday 03/03/1997

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    Guitar, Photography, Medicine/Biology

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  1. Sure!! I took 20mg Prozac with 100mg of lamictal for about three years, at that time I was having more manic and then depressive phases. I was never diagnosed bipolar. I was able to see a doctor this past week for the first time in two years. I went because I knew I needed help with my anxiety and depression. She wanted to revisit prozac without the lamictal since I wasn't having manic phases anymore. I am not sure if my previous success was due to just prozac, lamictal, or both, but regardless I am happy to just be doing SOMETHING! From my understanding, prozac definitely helped with my depression before but lamictal gave me a really dull non-human feeling ( it is a mood stabilizer), so I am hoping to get away from that side effect without lamictal. I recall having to take it at a specific time (which I now realize is morning and not night) because it did affect how well I slept. Aside from that, I felt like I had more control over my thoughts which is something I am hoping for again. I will be updating my blog if I feel the medicine is affecting me more. I hope I an answer your questions!
  2. Prozac. The wait is over. Prozac, I haven't taken it in four years. It was almost like picking up a prescription for my youth. But after years of this feeling, it can finally be over. It's day one, and I feel good, but can't sleep, possible side effect? We will see here in another week. Keeping my head up for now.
  3. I often wonder why some days are harder than others. I almost feel like two different people. Person A- wakes up, showers, eats breakfast, goes to work, gets tasks done, leaves work on time, eats dinner on time, reaches out to family and friends, gets enough sleep, may hit the gym every other day Person B-Hits snooze multiple times, even though she knows more sleep wont help her feel better. May or may not shower. May leave for work on time, will stress and get upset at self if late. Work tasks take twice as long to complete. Down time spent worrying about situations that may not even happen yet. Has to leave work late because didn't get job done. Goes home and either goes to bed or eats unhealthy food. Today I got to be person A and person B. And that made it even more difficult because of the mood change mid-day, person B couldn't keep up with everything person A had started. I wish I knew why I felt so bad.
  4. Twisting words in to what you would like to say is what I have always considered an art. Stringing twenty-six letters in to words that describe situations sound's like an easy task, until you realize that there are literally over a million words in the English language, and not to count those other words in other languages that can't 100% be translated in to English words. How am I, on my mere 19 years on this Earth, supposed to know the correct words to talk about what I am actually feeling. Well, I guess this would be the start. If I could tell you where and when I first started feeling depression, then I'm not sure I would be here with this story. It could have been in elementary, after dealing with bullies and other kids that I couldn't relate to very day. Or maybe it was watching my brother grow more and more angry with life every day even as a child. Maybe it was when my parents took me to the doctor because I was growing too fast, and I officially was told that I was 'abnormal'. Maybe it was waking up at midnight to the sound of glass hitting the floor, followed by never ending arguments from my parents; arguments that even if they weren't being verbalized, it was apart were still going on mentally. Maybe it was the first time I felt the force of another person's hands hit my face, and as the air escaped between my skin and their hand, all I could think was, This was my fault. I remember growing up almost instantaneous. The carpet hit the back of my legs as my family sat around me. We played a lot of board games, and we spent a lot of time together as a family. It was normal, except, very soon, it wasn't. Divorce. What? Divorce. Oh. How do you respond to that. You know things aren't doing well, but you expect them to be okay. And then suddenly, they're not. To describe the feeling, it's as if all of my happy childhood were dumped in to a folder on a desktop, the folder was clicked and dragged straight in to the recycling bin on a Windows XP screen. Nothing to be relived again. I held my little sister's hands while we packed our toys in to our boxes. I looked and looked for answers to her questions but frankly, I didn't have them. Why is mommy sleeping on the couch? Are we leaving? How long will we be gone? Why isn't daddy leaving with us? Do I have to go? Why hasn't dad called us this month?....these past couple of months...since last Christmas? And just like that, we grow up. How do you define normal? If you wake up every day and someone punches you in the face, but that happens every day, then would you say that's normal to you? If you woke up every day miserable, would you say that's okay, It's normal to me. Every day was full of car rides. School. Therapy. Psychiatry. Aunt's house. Mom's house. Aunt's house. And frankly, it's a blur. A blur of beatings and getting sick. So sick that I didn't want to wake up in the morning and I ended up taking measures to make sure I wouldn't. Followed by more beatings, followed by medications to make me who I am not instead of fixing the issues. But the between doesn't exist anymore. The now. The ups. The downs. The head rushes. My mind never stops. Why is mine fast? What if everyone else is just slow. I feel the way I do because I analyze more, I am more self aware, surroundings aware, others aware. It is overwhelming that sometimes, I just want to disappear forever.
  5. Hi Trayton! First! Welcome! I am sorry your girlfriend is worried about your depression but I am glad that she wants you to get help. Coming here is definitely a first step in help. I was curious on how you have brought this up to your parents. You can ask at your next doctors appointment to speak to the doctor alone and the should honor that. Your parents should want you to feel better and can sometimes be the best to open up to, even if they aren't happy about it, they can be a key factor in getting help. If you are a minor and are in school, I encourage you to reach out to a school nurse or a teacher if you are feeling depressed. For therapy, as some say, it isn't an exact science. Sometimes it can take weeks with a therapist before you can really open up to them--and that's okay. It's kind of like dating, not everyone will be a match. If you think about it, it should be easier to open up to a therapist versus your girlfriend -- as they have no strings, no emotions, and no motives attached. Their job is simply to listen. So yeah, talk to someone! Feel free to jump on the chat if you need to talk. I hope you find what you are looking for here.
  6. Hey!! Welcome So firstly, it sounds like you either need to ditch this guy or have a serious conversation with him. From your third sentence there, it doesn't sound like he's doing you any good, and only adding to the situation. That definitely needs to change. You say "I never am good enough for anyone, not even myself". I am sorry you feel this way, I have definitely been there and I still continue to struggle with that a lot. But you need to know that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! And anyone who thinks different is wrong, even if that person is yourself. I have never met you but knowing that you exist makes you good enough, period, end of story. You and no one else deserves to treat you poorly. Instead of harming yourself, why not make yourself a cup of tea? Take a walk? Paint? Anything like that to help cope. Therapy isn't an exact science. Sometimes you have to see many of them before you get a match. It's kind of like dating but less complicated. There will always be someone else you can try to reach and I encourage you to do so. For medicine, not everything will make you change weight. Heck, you losing weight might just be because of stress right now. However you can continue to lose weight healthily with the correct diet and exercise even with medication, and if for some reason a medication is making you gain weight, know there there are literally hundreds of different medications you can try until you find one that works for you with a doctor. Step one, talk to someone. You might be able to avoid medicine all together with just therapy. Good for you for going back to school. Wherever you go, there are always friends to make. I hope you find what you are looking for here!
  7. Hello everyone! My name is Caitlyn and I seem to be caught in some awful mentality that I can't shake. I am here to listen to others, offer my advice, and to learn and maybe also teach how to cope. My whole life people have defined my depression as an illness, as a disability, as something that drags me down. And on some days, it is. But other days, I am able to use it as a different perspective on this world. I don't take things for granted, and I appreciate the good things more. I will do my best to be active in this community. Thank you for your time!
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