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About Kiukirilya

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  • Birthday 12/26/1987

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  • Location
    Ontario, Canada
  • Interests
    Photography, Gaming, Reading, Accounting, Biking, etc.

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  1. Kiukirilya

    Increase In Dose And Side Effects?

    I thought paxil was supposed to help with anxiety along with depression... I've been bumped to 30 from 20 3-4 weeks ago and I've been more nervous and paranoid about things that shouldnt matter, insane dizzy spells, heart palpitations, brain foggy, and still no help from the bump up. I am fairly new to paxil (3months I think). Doesnt seem to be helping me at all. But then again I am more prone to having side effects rather than the benefit the med is actually for...
  2. Kiukirilya

    YOU- you are why I'm here

    I can't imagine how I'd react if I bumped into my abuser out in public... I read somewhere that if you had the strength to persevere and get better once, you can do it again and again. Each time getting better and better. Easier said than done but it's hope ^_^. I hope you're doing well seeing as this was written 2 months ago... :)
  3. Things went from bad to horrific. I decided, with the support of my partner, to go no contact with his toxic narcissist of a mother. That made her even more angry,  mace her smear campaign worse and hurts my partner daily...

    Meanwhile my doc had upped my dose of effexor from 150mg to 225mg. I felt pretty ok for a few weeks then started spiraling down plus i was having side effects. Just saw her a few days ago she agreed they aren't working anymore,  dropped me back down to 150mg and i have to see a psychiatrist to get properly diagnosed and put on meds that can actually help me. My doc doesn't want to start trying a bunch of different meds since effexor was my 5th or 6th AD...  thing is my anxiety was still pretty bad at 150...

    I feel no joy as of late, can't do anything i used to do that made me happy, even the simplest task seems too hard,  no appetite,  no energy.  Everything feels pointless. 

    Also I'm ashamed to say I've started to pull my hair out... my hair bugs me and it's an oddly satisfying feeling, keeps my mind occupied... I've also been thinking of where I can burn myself where no one will notice...

    I feel so lost. My family has said they miss the old me. I miss the old me...i just can't see myself crawling out of this hole... i was thrown in by that monster narc and i just keep digging deeper for some reason.  I just can't cope. Isolating myself. Pretending I'm somewhat okay to others.  It's exhausting.... I'm so tired. 

  4. Boyfriend got sick last night after about an hour and a half after I left for the day... When I found out I felt so horrible. I wasn't there for him. There was nothing I could do for him. I'm just worthless. Alone.

    I cried for hours one end it seemed, started screaming into a pillow and debating on going to the er to get some drugs to help me sleep and calm down. I was afraid of doing that though because I was having horrible thoughts of hurting myself and didn't want them to keep me from seeing my boyfriend...

    Finally kept my mind busy watching Youtube videos about how to do pretty colouring with colour pencils...lol Colouring is so calming and keeps your mind occupied and away from thinking much.

    I just want this new anti-depressant to start working... maybe my dose needs to be upped... but then again its only been 10 days on it so far... my chest is almost constantly hurting lately...anxiety?... what to do...?

  5. Kiukirilya

    Anhedonia and crying

    I find I only cry when an anxiety attack has hit me. otherwise when things that would normally make me cry happen I feel nothing. Even though anxiety attacks are scary and painful they kind of make me feel more real in a sense. The thing I hate the most right now is that I was vegan and am not anymore because I can't even care about it, yet I know I care about it... hard to explain. I bet after something starts working and I get better I'll be so mad at myself...
  6. Kiukirilya

    New Medication Approved By Fda - Brintellix?

    I've been on it (called Trintellix here in Canada) for about a week and a half now. (I realize this is an old post but wanted to comment anyway) My doctor sold me on it because, in it's clinical trials, side effects were at a minimum for most people. I tend to get side effects more than benefits with any drug... sucks... To my understanding it isn't an SSRI, a "new type" of anti-depressant. The only side effects I've noticed so far are trouble sleeping through the night (wake up about once or twice an hour, going to find a sleep aid hopefully), and weird dreams. Hasn't helped the depression yet, but doc says it can take 4-6 weeks for most to notice anything. Has anyone else tried it so far? This is my 3rd anti-depressant and I'm trying to be optimistic...lol
  7. Boyfriend is on dose 4 of 6 total body radiation. His mother and boyfriend are coming up and will be here in a few hrs... Feeling very nervous/anxious and emotional about having to deal with them... because both of them are liars and revel on anything that'll inflate their egos... His mum is also staying with me for at least a week with an undetermined departure back to Windsor.

    It probably wont be as bad as I'm thinking it'll be... her bf is leaving on friday I think so that makes it better (I've always felt a weird vibe from him... don't know what it is... probably his self-inflating ego, and immaturity for being someone who is 20+ years older than I am)

  8. I've been on it for a week and already noticed too that binge eating has gone down. I was on zoloft and couldn't stop eating. I'd eat and eat until I felt like I was going to be sick and that's when I'd realize how much I'd eaten... I'm glad I passed your response ^_^
  9. I just started on it (called Trintellix here in Canada) last week because I was trying Zoloft and getting way too many side effects. MY doctor suggested it to me because the majority of people in the trials didn't get bad side effects. I always get side effects when taking any medications so the hope of no side effects is what made me agree to try it. The only thing I've noticed is very weird, vivid dreams (like something out of charlie and the chocolate factory with Johnny Depp...lol) and I wake up a lot through the night. Again though it's only been a week so we'll see I guess. I'll take weird dreams over sweating and other side effects :P.
  10. Hey there. I just started a week ago on 10 mg. Zoloft was giving me too many side effects. The only thing I've noticed is very weird dreams (at least they aren't nightmares!), and I wake up a lot through the night. Not feeling better but not feeling worse yet,but again it's only been a week. I'm curious about how others do on this med too.
  11. Kiukirilya

    can anyone relate? or is it just me?

    I can relate to almost all of the same things! It is messed up eh...
  12. Hey... Where to start...? I'm 28 and just newly diagnosed with depression (early January 2016). I've had an anxiety attack with the usual chest pain just thinking about joining and posting to this forum... but guess I'll start at the beginning, or what I think was the beginning of the downward spiral I seem to be in. Back in October my boyfriend had severely strained a muscle in his back and I had started to get really annoyed with him complaining and not seeking help ( coming from someone with a back problem of their own... I feel so horrible about that...). Well...anyway after that his back was getting better but he wasn't...At the beginning of November (2015) I finally convinced him to go to his GP because he had been vomiting almost everything he ate for 2 days and he was sleeping a lot. Well his doc sent us to the ER to have blood work done ASAP because he said he may be anemic... 3 or 5 days later he was diagnosed with Acute Undifferentiated Leukemia... I missed about a week of school at the beginning and then many more after that. I started to not be able to concentrate on anything which became a huge problem as exams were coming up very fast. I still astonishingly managed all A's and one B. The B made me very sad because I'd no longer be a 4.0 (I was in my second year at college and having a background of never having a grade above 70 throughout grade school and high school I was ecstatic and on a role having finally found what I wanted to do with my life) People gave me flack for being upset about that... whatever... Anyway continuing with all the circumstances that lead to today... So My boyfriend was in the hospital receiving chemotherapy and his mother turned into the devil reincarnate! Everything became my fault, I wasn't taking care of him properly, I was taking advantage of him because I didn't have a job (I had to quit my job because of my back problem and me and my boyfriend though it a good idea for me to finally go to school for what I wanted to do (accounting)), she was trying to break us up, it's like every thing she'd ever thought bad about me came out and I wasn't good enough for her son. I only knew all of this because my boyfriend was telling me this stuff because she was telling him. She was nice to my face but a viper when I wasn't there. I was becoming a wreck! She hosted a fundraiser and kept the money because she didn't want me to blow it all (on what? I never spend money. She thinks I'm horrible with money. Just because I don't have money doesn't mean I'm horrible with it...). Anyway she was continually coming out with more and more unfounded accusations about me because she was burned in the past and didn't want me to do that to her son. I was losing it! That's when the anxiety or panic attacks started. One day, with the permission of my boyfriend, I stood up for myself and that's when the gates of hell broke open. She broke me, like the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. she kept piling on and piling on to the point where I wished I'd never said anything and my boyfriend even agreed with me... I smoothed things over with her but she continued to talk about me to my boyfriend negatively (who does that! and he was always telling her that everything she was saying wasn't true and unfounded but she wouldn't listen of course). Every time from that point on I'd have horrible anxiety attacks when I'd have to interact with her which was necessary because of my boyfriends situation... I was crying at everything and anything, felt uncomfortable being anywhere but at home. I've lost all interest in everything I loved to do and so much more. I finally went to me doc in January after the semester started back up because I couldn't focus on anything, my notes were illegible and made no sense even though at the time I was taking them I thought it was going good, but nope... She started me on Escitalopram. My boyfriend needs a bone marrow transplant. I dropped out of school because we had to move ( and to be honest I wasn't doing well at all and was completely lost... LOST! I couldn't believe it I'd found something I enjoyed doing and was doing incredibly well at and was lost.). Things got horrible really fast 4 weeks into the escitalopram and I was having suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks, insomnia, loss of appetite, irrational fears of everything that wasn't in my home bubble, and gosh so much more, I was forgetting where I was at times and then panicking before realizing again where I was. I'd become so focused on something that when I'd look up I'd have no idea where I was... such a scary feeling... So my doctor switched me to Zoloft and I'm now in my 3rd week and feeling better than when on the previous med but still some worrisome things. I'm afraid to be alone yet afraid to be out in public, afraid of people unless I'm with someone I am very close with (my boyfriend or my mom(who was with me for a few days and helped me move in to our new place in a new city where my boyfriend is getting his transplant)), still anxiety attacks and irrational fears but not as bad as before. My boyfriend is admitted in 1 week and his transplant is in 2. I've been becoming increasingly more afraid and scared for him while going to all the pre-prep appointments, afraid of being alone when he's admitted. His mother is coming to stay for the week of his transplant and i've got mixed feelings about that... she's been very nice to me after finding out I was on anti-depressants (but scoffed saying it was just because of all the stress and am i actually depressed?.......). I think she finally got the hint to keep her unfounded ridiculous opinions to herself and that I'm truly committed to her son (after I dropped out of school to move for his transplant I think she finally realized how much I love him, that and she is now joint on his bank account and policing things and seeing that I don't spend any money outside of necessities...pft. I started letting her do what she wants so that I don't have to deal with her scorn about doing things wrong and all that. Seemed to make her happy to have control over our lives...whatever). So that's where I'm at today. Terrified. My suicidal thoughts are still there... I feel pretty determined about them actually... If my boyfriend doesn't survive I won't either. Thinking and even writing that out scares the hell out of me... Is the Zoloft working? Are the antidepressants supposed to stop those thoughts and help with the anxiety? I think I've developed a social phobia, I've never liked crowded areas and most people before now (worked in retail...) but I've never actually been afraid of people... I'm afraid of getting comments right now but know that it'll be a good thing to talk to other people going through this as well. I'm sorry that that was so long.